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Getting Nervous
Oct 17 2008 9:06AM

With beta on Monday, I just can't seem to concentrate on anything. I hate reading into everything that I am feeling but how can you not help it. I cannot remember a thing, I'm a nervous wreck. I probably need to do the meditation CD.

Yesterday I had a mild scare. I got the CD24 b/w back and my progesterone, which is always high at 43, was fine but my E2 level at 32 (which has never been check in the LP) was lower than the starting range for the LP. So, I started to panic, you know, thinking I've discovered the great secret of why this never works for me (when I know its just bad eggs). Anyway, Cornell said it was not anything to be concerned with. But, I'm like then why test for it. I have CD26 b/w today. I really don't get why 2 days later would be so different. But, the weird thing is, I will go to my local lab and they wont have the results till Monday, which is my beta day. The lab will fax them to me, but I cannot rely on them to fax it to the RE Why wont this lab fax any results to any of my doctors? its ridiculous. But, I guess I will get the beta results after I fax today's results. I probably should make sure I send in all my insurance out of network service for reimbursements.

I've been here so many times before. And I have my college friends SPA weekend planned for next weekend. And the whole time I'm thinking how would I keep good news from my friends (I don't want anyone to know anything until we hear a HB). But, now I'm like, shoot is this trip planned, meaning is the timing some kind of cosmic thing to help me through something if its bad. I really don't think I can deal with my friends or that weekend if its not the news I want to hear.

I'm trying to take one day at a time but its hard knowing this was our last attempt at IVF and if we need go DE I'm going to have a hard time selling the idea to DH. Not to mention I've been looking up the cost of it and it freaks me out $30k. Another thing women get screwed on, I'm sure Donor Sperm doesn't cost that much (or anywhere near it).

What happened to Ms. Totally Positive Attitude. I think I lost her a couple of days ago. I wish I could get her back. I'm going to work on that.

The only positive thing I can think of is that I have a sore lower back and my ab area was so sore and throbbing yesterday I had to take Tylenol and lay down. That never has happened in the past. But, most people say they felt nothing in the 2ww. So, what do I know. And I'm still not going to POAS. Though the thought keeps creaping into my head and i was thinking Sunday morning (which would have been my beta day if Cornell did Beta's on Weekends). Think I've finally gone insane.Chat Icon

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2WW land
Oct 12 2008 6:34PM

OK, so in reality it's not really two weeks. More like a long week and a half. I took it really easy for the first 3 days. I was starting to get cramps in my butt and legs from laying down so long. And no matter how many channels you have (um like 800), TV is still really bad. But, DH took care of me for the day of ET and the next day. Cooked for me etc...OK, but left the kitchen in a war zone. Ugg...why do I have to be such a neat freak. By Friday morning I just had to clean up a bit. I had him put away the heavy stuff, and I took care of the light stuff. I think he thinks if he cleans up, puts things in the dishwasher, I'm going to expect it from him all the time. Now why would I do a thing like that? :).

Anyway, do I feel anything? No, but I am crampy a little in the uterus area. But, who knows. I think PIO is giving me tons of symptoms, as usual. And not matter how hard you don't want to obsess over every little twitch you feel, there is no way not to think about it.

Beta is a week from tomorrow.

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October 8 - ET
Oct 11 2008 2:14PM

What a long stressful morning it was. They told me I'd get a call in the morning. The closer it got to 12pm the more stressed I was getting. Normally I would go to acu in the morning so it would go easier for me, but they weren't open on Wednesday mornings. Great! Finally by 12:10pm I call them. I had no idea who to call, so I just called everyone. Finally got someone on the phone that was able to tell me I would get a call in about 15 minutes.

Finally she calls and tells me I have a 3:45pm transfer. I breath a sigh of relief.

DH drove us in and I used my Anji recording to calm myself down. It is amazing how great those recordings are. Smartest thing I ever did was put it on my ipod. We got in without any problems. And arrived exactly on time.

All the same women were there from ER. I guess we were all 3dt. And how nice it was to sit there without a full bladder. Cornell doesn't do ultra sound guided transfers unless you have a tricky uterus. Which, thank goodness for small things, mine is not considered. After I changed and the nurse took my vitals, i had like 2 minutes b/f they asked me in for transfer. It was only Dr. Chung and a nurse who did not introduce herself. Got in position and the embryologist came out and confirmed my name and then put our emby up on the screen. Dr. Chung said it was 7 celled which is just where it should be (b/w 6-8) and I asked if it was fragmented and he said "not at all". This is the first time anyone has ever said that to me. I think the co-culture made all the difference. Plus it wasn't multi-nucleated either. He did the transfer, I felt absolutely nothing. I didn't even believe he was over when it was over. Then they rolled me into the recovery room and DH came in. Now last transfer we got in a huge fight on the way home about something that wasn't real. So, I told him that we are not talking this time. But, we actually had a fun conversation while I was resting there. And he did start with a stupid conversation and I put my hand up and said, no no no...we are not going there and we're not talking anymore. Seemed to have worked. If I told you what he brought up you would laugh....alright he starts asking me when we will start on our 2nd. I know he's a positive person and all but come on. But, when he said we'd wait 1-2 years, that is when I put my hand up. I'm currently 40. Sometimes I have no idea if he knows this or not, he must still think I'm 29 (the age I was when we met). But, really, why was I haven't this conversation at all. Men! Though I do love how positive he is. And maybe for once I feel it with him.

The dreaded 2ww begins and think I decided not to POAS, even though I have 20 of them on the premises. What good can come from it. I'll wait till my beta October 20th.

I just pray that my little bean is strong and wants to stick around.

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October 5th - ER
Oct 7 2008 6:28PM

ER started out being a good day. DH and I decided to drive in in the wee hours of the morning (5am) to get in by the 6:30am time we were told to be there. Kinda made it on time. I knew we didn't have to be exact. Went to admitting and paid for the hospital use. For some reason the printer was not working so I still need to call to get my receipt. The hospital was really nice, I'm so used to hospitals looked so used and abused. Found my way the Greenberg Pavillion. Did I mention the hospital was huge? Took elevator to 8th floor and there is this huge sign saying Invitro Fertility (or something close to it). I was about the 4th one out of 11 to show up. Got my little outfit and waited in the Ethan Allen waiting room. DH parked the car and then joined me. He went off to do his thing and they called me in and gave me an antibiotic drip and then took me to the waiting room. I tried not to look at the girls before me who were being carted out of the OR room. But, you just can't help it. I think I waited like 15 minutes and then I went in. So fast. Was kinda weird b/c you are saying hello to everyone and then you have to take off the pants they gave you and the robe and hello bare butt. Why do they even bother covering us up. Laid down on the table and woke up in recovery. DH was at my side and I was feeling OK.

Then the nurse comes up and tells me that they retrieved 3 oocytes. And I'm like WHAT! I guess I thought I was going to have like 8 or more. This was not what I wanted to hear. I started crying bc our previous cycles weren't so great and now I'm at Cornell and its supposed to be the best not the worst. Turns out all those follies were empty. I still cannot believe it. We head home, I'm a mess. I just slept all day on the couch. I think DH went out for 4 hours and I had no idea.

So, I waited on pins and needles the next morning for my fertility report. Out of 3 eggs only 1 was mature and fertilized with ICSI. Thank goodness for this one perfect little emby. I hope its strong enough to make it. I know their lab is one of the, if not the, best and I hope that co-culture is what will make the difference here. Praying so hard, using visuals and whatever else I can think of.

I went to acu this morning and it really calmed me down. And so now I have this new revelation that I cannot predict the future and anything is possible. I feel like my whole future is riding on this little emby. Hope it can handle the pressue. Transfer is tomorrow (thank G-d).

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Trigger done!!!
Oct 4 2008 5:13PM

Well, I went into the city last night on a 7pm bus. I love the Jitney. I even got in early, can you imagine no traffic on a Friday night. And DH was so great b/c he picked my car up from the lot so I wouldn't get towed. Met my cousin at a bar (no I didn't drink). We headed over to Grand Central and had dinner at the mezzanine restaurant that starts with the letter M. No brain cells left. Anyway, it was great view up there and I love the architecture of the building. Wish they never destroyed the old Penn Station, but anyway.....

After dinner I headed uptown to my IVF coordinators apartment. She was helping me by doing my trigger shot. But, i got there at 10pm and she wasn't home and I talked myself out of panicking. Really don't know what I would have done if she didn't come home 5 minutes later. I would have had to do my shot myself in the hallway or something. that would have been crazy. But, she called my cell and told me she was on her way back from helping another person with their shot. Whew. Anyway, hadn't met her b/f. She was super nice and the shot went fast and easy. Went in at exactly 10:15pm. Then I headed downtown to my cousins apartment. We were both so tired that she fell asleep and I went to bed and was sleeping in 2 minutes.

Got up this morning at 5:30am. I guess I'm getting better at getting up this early. But, I dont' really want to make it a habit, if you know what I mean! Pre-op went fast. Filled out the forms and had b/w and u/s. Doc measured only the lead follies and she must have seen the look on my face because she told me there are more I just measured the lead ones. I guess there are 5-6 lead ones. I think I have more than I have ever had before. We'll see what they get tomorrow at ER. We have to be there at 6:30am and usually they tell everyone to get there at 7:15am. I'm sure we will be late, as usual. There has to be a good egg in there, I just know there has to be.

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Trigger tonight!
Oct 3 2008 5:57PM

Got the call, trigger tonight at 10:15pm. Which means 9:15 ER on Sunday. I'm excited and nervous. As of this morning I had 6 follies on right (20, 18, 17,13,12 &11)and 3 on the left (18,12 & 11). Those are not totally correct, because after he counted 4 on the right I went into shock, because the day before there weren' that many. Smaller ones probably wont have time to catch up but I have never had so many larger ones that close in size.

Now if I can just get one golden egg and a miracle.

I think I'm one of the last ones in Cornell's series 79 (if not the last one). I hope there are others tomorrow morning at the pre-op.

I'm still a wimp with the IM and I am having a nurse in NYC do it for me and then i'll stay at my cousins (be nice to see her anyway, we are really close).

Please, I know we're been doing a lot of praying, but please send some our way.

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Trigger maybe tonight
Oct 3 2008 11:37AM

I'm pretty sure trigger is tonight. I have a few more follies. Can you believe it? YEAH!!! I think there is a 20, 18, 17, 13, 12 and 11 on right and left has a 18, 13, and 11, there's another one but its a little under 10. I swear it was acupuncture yesterday. Every time I go the next day its a million times better. I have been praying for 10, and I'm almost there. Though I am also praying for one that is strong and healthy.

I am going to stay at my cousins in the city tonight. She's like my sister. My IVF coordinator does trigger shots on the side for extra money. So, she's going to do my shot tonight. I'll go to her apartment. And because she's the coordinator it will guarantee an early ER. I got it all worked out...LOL. Then Saturday morning I have to be at Cornell at 6:30am for pre-op. Since their operating suite is across the street at the actual Hospital. I now need to tell my local nurse that I dont' need her for trigger shot. Hope I remember.

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October 2nd
Oct 2 2008 5:12PM

Getting really close now. I am feeling totally swollen in my ovaries and its getting hard to wear jeans. I think the meds are messing my stomach up so I am only eating small meals now. Todays follie count was 17.5, 16.5, 15 and 14 on the right and on the left was a 14 and a 10. I am stimming for one more day. They lowered my Gonal-f to 375, menopur is the same at 150 and I do another ganirlex to stop me from O'ing. I hope this is it b/c I only have one day of meds left and I don't want to order more. I am so ready. I wish I did trigger tonight because my RE usually does ET on Tuesday, oh well. Wonder who's on on Wednesdays? Need to have a little conversation with those follies later...LOL.

till tomorrow...

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Getting close
Sep 30 2008 12:35PM

Been stimming for about 8 days. Cornell will only measure follies greater than 10. So, I still have 3 on the right (now about 14,13,and 11 and 1 on the left at 12. But, there are a few 9's that they are hoping will catch up (and me too, come on 9's get in the game). I think I saw 2 or 3 around 9'ish (they go so fast). So far all the RE's I have met have been very nice and very positive. I am guessing I will trigger Thursday or Friday night, but you never know how the follies will grow. Last cycle I had a 15 and the next day it was 18 and I triggered that night. Started Ganirelix last night to stop me from ovulating (they start that when the follies get around 12/13). I feel pretty good overall. I was kinda beotchy last week but this week it seems to have gone away (or perhaps I'm not noticing it....LOL). I probably will be going back tomorrow.

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Back to the RE
Sep 29 2008 10:15PM

Uggg. Had to go back to the city on Sunday morning after going in on Saturday morning. They wont do an u/s until your E2 has risen. Well it rose (to 230) and now it was trekking back to NY. Saw 4 follies, 3 on rigth at 11, 10 & 10 and 1 on left at 10. Met Dr. Klingman (or soemthing liek that), he was so positive. Told me everything looks great and that is still early yet. They are all the same size, I hope that is a good sign. There were a few smaller ones but they wont measure anything smaller than 10. I go back tomorrow morning for b/w and u/s and I just pray so hard that more follies are joining the party. I also started using ganirelix tonight. So, I guess they just assume my largest follie is 12/13 at this point. The shots don't even phase me anymore. Whats one more at this point. So, its three shots a night. I do feel like a pin cushion.

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Slow and steady
Sep 27 2008 11:07AM

Its day 6 on the stims. Its going slow. Not even asking for my b/w results. I figure I would save myself from freaking out. I'm on a slow protocol and I could be stimming for about 12 days, so long way to go. I just have to trust my Doc knows what he's doing. Been doing the Anji tapes nightly (though missed last night because I had a late acupuncture appointment). The only weird thing is I have screwed up my appointments twice this week for acupuncture. I never do that, let alone twice in the same week. Are these meds messing with my brain cells...LOL. The only thing I do know is that I have only had b/w since my baseline on Monday because my E2 levels haven't risen yet. So, I bet I keep doing my meds at the same level and head back in on Monday or Tuesday morning for more b/w.

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Off to a good start
Sep 22 2008 5:53PM

so yes, today was baseline U/S and b/w. They start off telling me I'm missing my prolactin b/w. And I'm like, what.... it was fine last week when I reviewed everything. I was sure I had done it. I wasn't worried. I waited for like 1 1/2 hours and was starting to think they had forgotten me b/c it seemed like everyone had gone in that came after me. First time in for monitoring. It was kind of comical in the room. The "hot" doc (as he's now referred to, don't remember his name he said it so fast) came in with the nurse and someone else. OK, these rooms are not even big enough for 2 plus the patient, let alone 3. And how does one get undressed with the chair behind the u/s machine....LOL. Doc starts in with the prolactin test again yadda yadda yadda, like its my fault its not done. I wasn't taking any sh***t from anyone about that. I'm like fine I'll take a script and go to the lab at home. I'm not getting excited or anything but I do have more resting follies than I have ever had before (could the acu and herb supplements make a difference????hmmmmm). I think it was 6 under 10. How come we get a tiny little screen to watch????LOL.... The whole thing was making me laugh even though I was sooo tired. So, I just make my 9:35am bus back home, get off the bus and notice I have a message on my cell from the nurse. They have my prolactin results, never mind. Duhhh!

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Night before CD2 baseline
Sep 21 2008 9:19PM

So, I thought I was gonna be good and post daily but that just ain't happenin.

Wednesday I started the estrogen patch and then Thursday I started the first of 3 ganirelix shots. Doing the shots was like riding a bicycle. Not that I want to be doing shots, I'd rather be riding...LOL.

Yesterday was the 3rd day of shots but I felt like crap all day. Like a brick house smashed into me. Could not get right...and then at 5pm a little early I started getting AF. Duh...you'd think by now I would know my symptoms. But, i was not expecting it until today. Which is really CD1 anyway...YEAH!! Right on my schedule. And with 2 days to spare to get into Cornell's series 79. Tomorrow I go in for baseline b/w and u/s. Praying everything is looking good and for lots of resting follies.

Oh yeah, the patch is still on and I now leave it on until it falls off. It seems on really good. Can't imagine this thing falling off.

I seem to still be in good spirits but I'm having these crazy horror dreams every night about having a baby or getting pregnant. But, nothing is normal or right. I have been reading a kind of horror detective novel from Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child and I know this has to be influencing my dreams. So, I think I better cut out their books for a while and read some silly romance books. I mean one dream was taking place in a ghost town that was all black and white and blue and this old man reads my fortune and tells me I'm having two boys but not at the same time, but at the time in the dream we are searching for a missing child but I don't remember whose it was. Then the next night I have this dream about twins and one was taken away because she had green skin. It was really freaky. Then another night I was having a boy and it was the size of a 10yr old skinny boy (like my nephews size) and you could see the outline in my body. It wasn't a normal pregnancy all bumpy and round it was flat. I cannot even describe how gross it was. Anyway, time to read something nice.

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co-culture
Sep 16 2008 6:12PM

Today was the co-culture biopsy. I was so nervous starting yesterday for some reason. Had a crazy dream that night that just set off the whole day out of wack. Nothing went right. Can't remember the dream at all. But, last nights dream was really cool. It took place in some weird haunted fishing town. Must be related to the detective novel I am reading. But, there was a baby missing and we were all looking for it (wasn't ours) and in the middle a very old man read my fortune. Said not to worry and that I was going to have two children. Both boys. So, I woke up in much better mood today. Though not sure where that dream came from, would be great if that really came true. Got on the Hampton Jitney and headed to NYC. Got in about an hour before my appointment and actually used the time to read (something I don't get to do enough). Called me in exactly at 11am. The whole procedure was over in 5 minutes. Hurt a little but for a second and i didn't realize he was done. I thought that was just getting stuff into place. Got back home earlier than I thought. But, i am a bit tired since I took 600mg of ibuprofen. Think its staying in my system a little longer than it should have. Tomorrow starts the estrogen patch.

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Starting
Sep 14 2008 8:51PM

This week starts IVF#3 for us. It is the last one with our own eggs. I'm slightly worried but have this positive energy flowing from somewhere, i don't know from where. I'm amazed I can even say that with everything we've been though.

My meds came Friday and Saturday. I am still amazed that my insurance covers them since they don't' cover IVF. Though yesterday I oddly forgot my gonal-f was coming (had to come separate b/c of pre-authorization wasn't done in time) and I went out to brunch with my SIL. I came back and I had a little panic attack when I saw 2nd attempt would be Monday. Yikes, it needs refrigeration, especially with the horribly hot humid weather this week. But, after I called up fedex and found i could pick up the package after 1:30pm, the doorbell rings. It was the fedex guy, he came back because he wanted to make sure I got my meds. I was so taken back by that. I have to remember to give him a nice holiday bonus. What a great guy.

Tuesday I go into NYC for my co-culture biopsy and then Wednesday I start the estrogen patches, followed the next day by Ganirelix for the next 3 nights. CD2 will be here before I know it.

New RE, new Lab, higher dose of meds, chinese herbs, wheatgrass, acupunture, fish oil, grape seed extract and organic food (or as close to I can get). Lets see what it does for me now.



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