LIFamilies.com - Long Island, NY


RSS
Articles Business Directory Blog Real Estate Community Forum Shop My Family Contests

Log In Chat Index Search Rules Lingo Create Account

Quick navigation:   

.

Posted By Message
Pages: [1] 2

maybebaby
LIF Adult

Member since 11/05

6870 total posts

Name:
Maureen

.

Message edited 3/16/2011 8:51:50 AM.

Posted 3/4/11 8:11 AM
 
Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource

8ternity
<3

Member since 11/08

10586 total posts

Name:
Formally NYPD-Wife

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

Sorry your going through this and I have no advice but If I were in your shoes I would feel the same way you feel...Best of Luck!

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 3/4/11 8:31 AM
 

DRMom
Two in Blue

Member since 5/05

20223 total posts

Name:
Melissa

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

No career is worth your life and while he wouldn't be in combat, it is a dangerous place to be. No way in he!! my DH would be going there. I totally understand your feelings

Posted 3/4/11 8:39 AM
 

maybebaby
LIF Adult

Member since 11/05

6870 total posts

Name:
Maureen

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

Posted by DRMom

No career is worth your life and while he wouldn't be in combat, it is a dangerous place to be. No way in he!! my DH would be going there. I totally understand your feelings



I know..it upset me to think of where he will be. But all i'm told is that its a "safe" zone (nowhere is safe i keep telling him)..

The thing is...many of his coworkers have done these tours. They keep telling DH that this is his best bet for advancement/promotions and learning this part of the agency.

I am sitting here feeling like the bad wife for telling him no. He argues "do you think I WANT to leave you and the boys and work 7 days a week?? IN IRAQ??". And i get that. But he keeps saying how in the scheme of life, 6 months isn't that long..whereas i reply "yes, but right now its a long time".

Chat Icon I seriously don't know what to say about it. He said if it upsets me that much he won't do it, but not to complain when he doesn't get bumped up the pay scale. I can't believe that THIS is the way to "learn the agency". I didn't think this was a possibility when he got a job there.

Posted 3/4/11 8:48 AM
 

Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn

Member since 5/05

27567 total posts

Name:
Janice

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

that is so hard.

dh would go. he does basically anything legal for career advancement.

this sounds crazy...but as a sahm, i realize the "provider pressure" he has and i tend to support him.

6 months gone though...i would hate it but would survive. josh would have the hardest time...at the end of the day though...he would definitely go...and that is without knowing about the extra pay. with that info, dh would throw himself a going away party.

Posted 3/4/11 8:52 AM
 

maybebaby
LIF Adult

Member since 11/05

6870 total posts

Name:
Maureen

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

Posted by Janice

that is so hard.

dh would go. he does basically anything legal for career advancement.

this sounds crazy...but as a sahm, i realize the "provider pressure" he has and i tend to support him.

6 months gone though...i would hate it but would survive. josh would have the hardest time...at the end of the day though...he would definitely go...and that is without knowing about the extra pay. with that info, dh would throw himself a going away party.



NOOOO JANICE YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THE VOICE OF REASON, LOL!!

I know. Sigh. The "provider pressure" is the hardest part. DH feels like he isn't doing enough. He was passed over for a much needed promotion this year...they only promoted 2 out of 15 people at his grade level. The ones promoted were the ones that had that additional training and experience.

Ugh. WHY does it have to be Iraq and WHY 6 months. I hate it hate it hate it!!!!

Chat Icon

Thinking about it makes me cry. The boys run so fast to the door every night to see their dad. That would be the hardest part..

Posted 3/4/11 8:57 AM
 

Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn

Member since 5/05

27567 total posts

Name:
Janice

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

I am sorryChat Icon

But, I do see what Leo goes through. put in a 14 hour day yesterday..comes home, eats...left last night at 11 so store is closed so he can regrout floors. last week he painted the place after hours by himself.
he puts so much into trying to get ahead...no OT, just salary.

so if there was a sure fire way to get there, i could not say no. i would be in shock...sick for josh...but leo would need me to say yeah...

Posted 3/4/11 9:06 AM
 

nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.

Member since 7/05

57538 total posts

Name:

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 3/4/11 9:23 AM
 

MorningCuppaCoffee
Tired!

Member since 12/07

16353 total posts

Name:
Allison

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

I don't know what to say. Bottom line, this is a decision you and your DH need to make.

It is dangerous, but so is practically every place on LI these days if you follow the daily headlines.

Posted 3/4/11 9:28 AM
 

neener1211
:-)

Member since 4/07

22952 total posts

Name:
J

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

I'd say no.

My DH was in the Army, and if he had told me that he volunteered to go to Iraq, I would have had a meltdown.

DH had previously been to Kuwait-actually he arrived the first day of the war. He said he never EVER wanted to go back.

Posted 3/4/11 9:54 AM
 

greenybeans
:)

Member since 8/06

6435 total posts

Name:

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

No, there is just NO way I would be ok with that. I know women do it all the time but I"M not that strong. So no, I don't think you're a witch for saying no.

Plus J is doing sooo well. I honestly wouldn't want to mess with that. I can't imagine Lance not seeing his dad for 6 months. I couldn't, he couldn't.

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 3/4/11 10:09 AM
 

-Laurie-
Hi!

Member since 5/05

2536 total posts

Name:

k

Message edited 9/1/2011 12:31:33 PM.

Posted 3/4/11 10:15 AM
 

Little-J-Mommy
I'm a Big Brother

Member since 5/06

8041 total posts

Name:
D

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

I had a melt down of my own when DH got his current job and had to go to Virginia for 4 weeks for training. I felt like it was going to be forever and that Jack needed his daddy. He had just turned 2 before dh left and he missed Jack's 2nd HalloweenChat Icon

BUT, they spoke on the phone every day and the 4 weeks seems like a blip now in retrospect. (and now with SKYPE, they could see each other every day).

BUT, this was Virginia and 4 weeks. NOT Iraq and 6 months. IDK what I would do. Sorry, I'm no help. Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 3/4/11 10:18 AM
 

Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)

Member since 5/06

23378 total posts

Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

I totally understand your point.

my brother spent 2 tours in Iraq as a marine. my bff spent a year there as an army officer.

my cousin is currently serving out someplace in the area on a Navy ship. he has a family. a wife and two kids. and while the Navy is generally pretty safe nowadays, just the stress of being away from his family..is very hard.

but they make it work. he has no choice but to accept sea duty.

as far as your husband, I don't know what agency he's in so it's hard to say, but I can tell you that the culture in my particular offce/agency is that it's very difficult to move within the agency generally speaking.

there are people from my agency and other offices in my agency serving over there now. the odds are in your husband's favor in terms of his safety but no place in that country is "safe". even the green zone.

I understand the pressure he feels to move up and provide more. and this very well may be the best way to do it to be honest. but things would have to be different to make you comfortable.

for starters, you should move back to NY to be with family (my cousin before this deployment moved his wife and kids from MD to Jax, where her family is), even if you own your home. it's not easy and you will appreciate every face that knows what you are going through.

there is a chance if you say no he will resent you for not "letting" him do what he thinks he needs to do for his family. but there is also a chance, however slight, that your worst fears could come to fruition. you both have to realize this and be prepared for what could happen.

I wish you the best. this is not an easy decision in any way.

good luck. Chat Icon

ETA: from the kids perspective, it's easier now when they have a less concept of time. the 4 yr old does much better with his daddy's absense than the 6 yr old does, so if he were to do it, now would be the best time in terms of the kids.

Chat Icon

Message edited 3/4/2011 10:23:28 AM.

Posted 3/4/11 10:22 AM
 

MrsPJB2007
MBA at your service!

Member since 7/06

12020 total posts

Name:
MJ

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

Very sorry you are dealing with this.

My BIL is an independent contractor who works for the military, involving national security issues. (He can't give us many details on his job, so sorry I can't be more specific.)

He has done 2 assignments in Iraq, 6 mos at a time in the past 4 years. As well he did some time in Korea, by the de-militarized zone, for months at a time.

My sister had to be with their 2 kids alone, without any family in VA.

They somehow made it work. It wasn't the most ideal situation, but with phone calls & skyping, they were able to keep in contact a great deal. So it is doable that it can be done, and done more than once.

But obviously everyone is different and you have to do what is best for you and your family!

Good luck!

Posted 3/4/11 10:27 AM
 

peanutbutter2
Carpe diem!

Member since 11/10

5287 total posts

Name:

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

I don't think you're being a witch at all. I would feel the same way, and there is no way I would be cool with DH going.

Posted 3/4/11 10:35 AM
 

CookieMomster
Golden

Member since 5/09

6414 total posts

Name:
Me

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

Oh my!!!! I see both sides of this, and it can't be easy for you. DH is in the military and has been to Afghanistan. He will even tell you NO PLACE is safe. He did volunteer to go the first time, and I knew that he would never move from his current rank if he didn't go, and he would be "unhappy". But when he came back and a deployment came around and he was told he didn't "have" to go but could volunteer, I said NO! I told him that the first time I got it, I understood, but no way in H E L L was I going to do this again unless necessary. Also if you choose to do it, do it while the kids are young. I think you both need to swallow the initial shock....think it over a few days...and then talk to him.

Posted 3/4/11 11:40 AM
 

JessInCA
live laugh love

Member since 8/06

5082 total posts

Name:
Jess

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

DH was deployed to Iraq multiple times while he was active duty.

Having BTDT, and knowing how much the country has changed since the other times he was there, and knowing that he'd be there in a legislative rep position and not a combat position... I still wouldn't "want" him to go. But I would not tell him he couldn't.

It would be something we had to weigh and decide together. Advancement in his career is an important thing. And the extra money helps. If he believed it was truly what he needed or wanted to do, I would support him. It would be hard, but we'd get through it.

But that's me. Good luck, I don't envy your being in that position Chat Icon

Posted 3/4/11 11:52 AM
 

RocPin
Life's Beachy <3

Member since 2/08

6765 total posts

Name:
Heather

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

My husband is currently deployed to Afghanistan for 4-6 months. I am not going to lie, IT SUX!!

However, we both work for the same Government Department of Defense contractor and I realize the pressure for him to go on these deployments. It also helps him with job advancement which is very important to us. He works 84 hour weeks while he’s over there. Its part of the deal. He also gets time and a half for every hour over 40, plus 35% on top of everything for Hazard duty pay. That is a VERY significant amount of money in comparison to what he makes in the states.

He puts a tremendous amount of pressure on himself to make a lot of money and help provide nice things for us. I have protested these trips in the past as they are 100% voluntary, but he insists on going so I have never held him back.

We do not have children yet (one on the way) so I cant even imagine how difficult that will be but right now, its manageable. Im sure my tune will change once this little one arrives. I know he is well taken care of. I talk to him every day so that makes me feel better. I do agree with others that say Iraq is a much better place than it was years ago, thats not to say its a "SAFE" place.

Good luck with your decision. Please let me know if I can help in any way.
Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 3/4/11 1:34 PM
 

maybebaby
LIF Adult

Member since 11/05

6870 total posts

Name:
Maureen

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

Thanks so much for all the advice!!

This is prob one of the toughest decisions ever. I honestly can say that I don't know what will happen. I know we have to make the right choice for us but it helps to hear others opinions and stories...

I would have been better about all this before having kids. With them in the mix now, i think to myself GOD FORBID something happened over there to him. I would be forever resentful that he went. Then again, the chances are prob slim...but you just never know. The money would be so nice. The opportunity for him would prob be priceless.

I asked him to please talk to someone at work about OTHER options that can help him along..anything they may have that doesn't involve leaving us for that long....i don't think there is much else for what he needs unfortunately.

Thanks again. I will update when i can!

Posted 3/4/11 1:48 PM
 

MrsGmomof3
...

Member since 6/08

3290 total posts

Name:
Irrelevant

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

Posted by Janice

that is so hard.

dh would go. he does basically anything legal for career advancement.

this sounds crazy...but as a sahm, i realize the "provider pressure" he has and i tend to support him.

6 months gone though...i would hate it but would survive. josh would have the hardest time...at the end of the day though...he would definitely go...and that is without knowing about the extra pay. with that info, dh would throw himself a going away party.



I totally agree with this. Yes, it will S*CK having him gone for that long, but in the long run, if its "whats best" for our family, DH would go, and I would cry.

Posted 3/4/11 2:06 PM
 

heathergirl
Cocktail Time!

Member since 10/08

4978 total posts

Name:
American mouth

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

I think I would let DH go. I know it would be hard, but I'd hate for him to be stuck if there was a way he could advance. If it's something he really wants to do, I think I would sit tight and hire a nanny to help out w/the daily routine and have my family on alert if I needed them in an emergency.

Very tough decision and many Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 3/4/11 2:23 PM
 

MorningCuppaCoffee
Tired!

Member since 12/07

16353 total posts

Name:
Allison

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

Posted by maybebaby

Thanks so much for all the advice!!

This is prob one of the toughest decisions ever. I honestly can say that I don't know what will happen. I know we have to make the right choice for us but it helps to hear others opinions and stories...

I would have been better about all this before having kids. With them in the mix now, i think to myself GOD FORBID something happened over there to him. I would be forever resentful that he went. Then again, the chances are prob slim...but you just never know. The money would be so nice. The opportunity for him would prob be priceless.

I asked him to please talk to someone at work about OTHER options that can help him along..anything they may have that doesn't involve leaving us for that long....i don't think there is much else for what he needs unfortunately.

Thanks again. I will update when i can!



Doing what I do for a living, I know there are plenty of things that can happen to us right here in our comfort zone at any time that could change our lives for the worst. That's kinda why I said what I said above as well.

I know the location is not ideal, but the thing to focus on if he decides he really wants to go is the thousands of people who do come back safe and sound.

Posted 3/4/11 2:36 PM
 

maybesoon
LIF Adult

Member since 9/09

5981 total posts

Name:

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

no way, I would not even feel bad about telling DH never to mention that to me again !!! my boys would not survive w/ out DH for 6 months, neither could I!!

I would be working FT if DH even considered doing something like this

Message edited 3/4/2011 2:40:32 PM.

Posted 3/4/11 2:38 PM
 

Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!

Member since 8/05

14470 total posts

Name:
Veronica

Re: DH keeps talking about doing a 6 month assignment in Iraq..really need input..

Posted by Janice

that is so hard.

dh would go. he does basically anything legal for career advancement.

this sounds crazy...but as a sahm, i realize the "provider pressure" he has and i tend to support him.

6 months gone though...i would hate it but would survive. josh would have the hardest time...at the end of the day though...he would definitely go...and that is without knowing about the extra pay. with that info, dh would throw himself a going away party.



ITA
But I grew up military 6m would be hard but they would be fast. and the pay off career wise would be much longer.

but I am sorry its bothering you so Chat Icon

If it were my hubby tho, yes I'd encourage him to go with the condition he was on skype every single day.

Posted 3/4/11 2:46 PM
 
Pages: [1] 2
 
Quick navigation:   
Currently 433641 users on the LIFamilies.com Chat
New Businesses
1 More Rep
Carleton Hall of East Islip
J&A Building Services
LaraMae Health Coaching
Sonic Wellness
Julbaby Photography LLC
Ideal Uniforms
Teresa Geraghty Photography
Camelot Dream Homes
Long Island Wedding Boutique
MB Febus- Rodan & Fields
Camp Harbor
Market America-Shop.com
ACM Basement Waterproofing
Travel Tom

      Follow LIWeddings on Facebook

      Follow LIFamilies on Twitter
Long Island Bridal Shows