I feel like a horrible mom...

So, my mom is visiting from another state and leaving in a few days...

Last night, my 9 month old was up ALL NIGHT. She would not sleep, unless I held her - which I ended up doing out of pure desperation at around 4am. I didn't know at the time that she caught my 4 yo daughters cold. So, today, I was exhausted. My husband works nights and he let me sleep for 3 hours when he got home before he went to bed himself.

Well, today was a good day for the most part, but then at the end of the night - my mom had been helping me - we put both kids to sleep and my mom actually got the baby down in her crib. My mom told me that I appear to be miserable. My house is too cluttered and the confusion of the clutter is part of what's making me upset. I need to calm down because "do you know how many times you cried tonight in front of your daughter?" She told me "I don't know if you realize, but your daughter has a lot of anxiety..."

Here's the thing - I really think I'm a good mom....I try so hard, but I was just burnt out tonight... My husband (at work again tonight) and I got into a fight and I ended up hanging up on him. I made a special going away dinner for my mom and instead of enjoying it together, we had to scarf it down while holding a baby and/or playing with a child because they were a bit difficult at bed time since they're both sick. I work full time and I'm just burnt out.

Now, instead of sleeping when they're both sleeping, I'm up obsessing about how I acted. About how I cried in front of my 4 yo. How I'm messing her up with my anxiety. How I don't make the best of situations because I'm stressed out or tired...

I just feel so upset and guilty and like I'm messing it all up.

Help fellow moms... I'm feeling really sad right now.

(Please no judgement...I get enough of that at home)

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

You had a frustrating situation: you are not a bad mom!

If anything, your mom shouldn't be criticizing you. She's the one who looks like a bad mom!

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

You are not a bad mom. Everyone has bad days and breaking points. When you are sick or tired it is hard.

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

If clutter and crying a bad mom made, CPS would have a file a mile long on me.
She needs to mind her own business .
And i would love to know what a cluttered house hasto do with parenting. One has about zero to do with the other. Trust me, I know.

Message edited 1/15/2017 9:12:20 AM.

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

We have all been there!

Dont be so harsh on yourself. Easy does it.

You may be in survival mode. Find out what needs to be done (one step at a time) to take care of your anxiety

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

You are certainly not a bad mom! Your mom is just worried/ concerned though the delivery could have been better . Do you cry often or feel overwhelmed often? If so, talk to your doctor and they will help you, BTDT. If not, chalk it up to a bad day and move on, we all have bad days !

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

I feel like a horrible mom...

You are NOT a bad mom. We've all had times like that. Your mom (and I'm sure she didn't mean to) made a frustrating situation even more frustrating. By even writing your post, you are showing what a GREAT mom you are!! You care!!
Try not to be so hard on yourself. Like i said, we've ALL been there. It's part of being a mom.

Message edited 1/15/2017 1:13:14 PM.

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

You are not a bad mom .... and neither is your mom for saying what she did.
I think she said what you needed to hear, what wasn't so obvious.
Sick children didn't help the situation either.

Can your mom come visit again, but this time to help you get a grip on what needs to be done ? Especially since you and DH have opposing schedules.
For example the clutter. If it really exists and makes cleaning up difficult can you go thru it and get rid of unnecessary stuff ?

Don't get overwhelmed. Make a bucket list of what you would like done, would like to change and tackle one thing at a time.

I am not a mom so I don't know what it is like to take care of little ones.
I do know what it feels like to get overwhelmed with things in life, sick elderly FIL and elderly dad, 3 households.
Breathe.
It will work out.

I feel like a horrible mom...

You're not a bad mom and I'm sure your mom was trying to be helpful but kids just are overwhelming and sick kids are worse. I will have a 4 year old and a nb in July and I'm nervous. If you feel anxious or overwhelmed all the time then a dr talk is needed but it sounds like you are doing fine.

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

You're not a bad mom. Your daughter will be fine. Trust me. I've cried in front of my kids a million times and they are the happiest kids around. And you should see the clutter in my house with 3 kids that are 5 and younger. My house looks like a bomb hit it daily. I'm a FTWM too so I get it. DH and I definitely don't have enough time together. At night, the kids are on top of us and by the time they go to bed, I'm usually too exhausted to even clean up the toys and crap that has taken over my house.

You have 2 little kids who are both sick (I had one kid with the stomach bug this week and I wanted to rip my hair out, never mind the others). You also have a baby which is stressful in itself. Take it day by day. Some days I have crappy ones. And I say ok tomorrow will be better. We are home, together, everyone is alive, ok it's fine. Lol Hang in there! Don't be hard on yourself.

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

You should see what goes on in my house.

Do not beat yourself up! You work FT, have sick kids, your mom is visiting, your DH works nights? Give yourself a break!

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

It's very tough, all of it. You are human. You can't always do the ideal thing as a response to stressful situations. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

It sounds like you are just in an overwhelming spot at the moment and that is the slice that your mom saw.

You should not feel like a bad mom!

As far as what your mom said, I would just try to brush it off if you can.

I feel like a horrible mom...

Do you have mom friends you can text when things like this happen? I find it helps A LOT to text, "I'm a bad mom tonight" and then follow through with all the details. It's so much easier to de-stress with another mom than it is with your husband or mom. It doesn't seem like you are a bad mom and someone once told me (in the first one of these messages I started with my mom friends), that if you're worried that you're a bad mom, you're definitely not because a bad mom wouldn't care that she's being a bad mom. Bed time is HARD. I work full time, opposite schedule of my husband, so I work all day then take care of the kids all night by myself. I've had some very low moments around bedtime (like, I stood outside ds1's door pulling it shut while he screamed on the other side in the pitch black because I had put him to bed 100 times for over 2 hours and I was done...I cried, he cried, no one slept, we woke up my other kid, he probably got a little scarred that day...). No one is perfect, but we learn and hopefully do better the next time.

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

Your mom should not have said that. Or maybe she could have shared her concerns in a better way. Do not feel bad about yourself for one more second. Motherhood is not a fairy tale. I am convinced there is no other job that is as challenging as being a mom (of course it is the most rewarding as well). It is extremely difficult to find time for it all, keep a clean house, spend quality time with your kids, be a good wife, work outside of the home (if you do), keep yourself a priority, care for your sick kids, etc. We do the best we can do. We will have amazing days and days that we are tired, cranky, and just need a break. It is OK. It will all be OK.From one tired mom to another.

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

I read this the other day. Long read but I thought it was so honest and I identified with it quite a bit. Take a look.

https://wonderoak.com/2017/01/09/dear-kids-when-im-not-good-at-this/

I feel like a horrible mom...

You are not a bad mom. Every. Single. Mom has had moments like that. And if they say they haven't they're lying. We're all just doing the best we can.

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

I think your story is the daily story of many of us. Did your mom offer to help you out or did she just through out that nugget of judgment and leave? Our parents forget what it's like. We are just doing the best we can.

I just had a coworker tell me that her daughter wakes up every day at 5am to work out for 2 hours and she takes care of her 3 kids all day by herself while maintaining a spotless home. Her daughter is in perfect shape and they have their children enrolled in every activity imaginable, so you(referring to me) can do it too! I smiled and felt a little bad knowing that there are probably struggles in her daughter's world that she could never share with her own mother since she has to appear "perfect" in her eyes...

I feel like a horrible mom...

A "bad mom" wouldn't be concerned and / or questioning her actions. The fact that you care enough to get the opinions and advice of strangers on the Internet makes you a great mom!

Everyone has a bad day here and there. I don't think crying in front of your children or even yelling at them once in a while is going to "mess them up." That said, if it's happening frequently you may want to take a step back and figure out how to relieve the stress. And realizing that you are too stressed and taking the steps to alleviate it what makes us all good moms!!!

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...

You are not a bad mom! Hang in there! Ask for help when it's needed.

Message edited 1/16/2017 10:48:57 PM.

Re: I feel like a horrible mom...