Need to vent/What do you do?

DD is 2 and strong willed, but usually very good! I pick and choose my battles, and often ignore bad behavior when it's just attention seeking, and distract her. This works for us and has saved me from meltdowns and tantrums.

She's a great eater, so if she's not hungry, I don't force it bc I know that usually she eats like a champ.

What do you do when close family members take it upon themselves to discipline your child or tell them to finish all their food etc. when you're sitting RIGHT THERE?!?

One example: DD was asking DH something in front of SIL and didn't say please...SIL (who had no kids) takes it ion herself to tell DD to say please to DH...even though I was sitting RIGHT next to her and didn't feel it was necessary for her to say please in this particular situation...

I'm finding this happening more and more and it's really starting to bother me! I would never try to parent someone else's kid...especially in front of her actual parents!

WWYD?

Re: Need to vent/What do you do?

Something like that would not bother me as long as it was said in a nice manner regarding the please. I don't really think that is disciplining your child.

Need to vent/What do you do?

I don't think that would bother me either. I would take it as her trying to help. If she were like my SIL and takes DD's socks off after I said, I wanted them on. Then I would be angry at that. This did happen and I told her that I wanted them back on and I would appreciate it if she respected my wishes.

If you are not comfortable with what happened, I would talk to them and explain, look I know you are only trying to help but, I need it to come from me.

Message edited 6/26/2013 2:22:52 PM.

Re: Need to vent/What do you do?

Thanks. I guess this bothered me because it happened after a few other things, so I was already annoyed. Like SIL saying "Let me see you eat more of your chicken before you can get up".

I know all of these things are meant to be helpful, but I also feel a bit like I'm being undermined as the mother. Also, my own mother and sister would never be that direct with telling my DD stuff like that...they would usually say "you can't get up until mommy says its ok). So I guess I'm not that used to other people giving commands to DD.

Re: Need to vent/What do you do?

Message edited 6/26/2013 2:34:23 PM.

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Re: Need to vent/What do you do?

Re: Need to vent/What do you do?

One of my sisters used to do that all the time and it would drive me crazy. She also did not have kids (she just had a baby so I'm sure she will understand now) And doesn't have much experience with kids. She felt as if EVERY little thing should be addressed and used as a learning opportunity ie/ if my DD took something out of my hands just a little too forcefully instead of taking it nicely... If my DD was 2yrs at the time I might ignore that. If she was 4 or 5yrs, I would definitely address it. My Sis just didn't grasp why I would let anything slide. My other sister who also has a DD and I would try and educate her in child development and strategies commonly used at different ages to teach manners and eliminate behavior problems (we both work with young kids). She finally seems to get what we are saying especially since she sees how awesome our girls are turning out and how mannerly they are.

I would either just ignore her or just use those opportunities to educate her and explain why you handle certain situations with your DD the way you do considering her age, maturity and past experiences. It drove me crazy when my sister would discipline my DD when I was standing right there or try and parent her because although she meant well, most of the time my sister had no idea what she was doing and made the situation worse ( by giving attention to attention seeking behaviors I was purposefully ignoring)....

Re: Need to vent/What do you do?

I really want DD to learn good manners but I'm unfortunately not always on top of her about it, so it wouldn't bother me if someone reminded DD to say please/thank you/etc. I'd be grateful.

The other stuff would upset me. It isn't up to her to make those decisions, especially if you're right there.

But you have to discuss clear boundaries with her. I already know that the day will come when certain members of DH's family will cross the line and I'll need to have that talk with them.

Re: Need to vent/What do you do?

Thanks everyone. I just want to elaborate DD usually says please, we'll actually "pees"-she just turned 2 and is starting to put sentences together...she has good manners...we were in a restaurant and DD handed DH a straw and said "open?" DH took the straw to open it...SIL...from practically across the other side of the table says "Say please to daddy"...talking over DH and I to tell DD. if DD handed HER the straw and she told her to say please, I'd be 100% fine with that. But she was in no way involved in the exchange and I still feel like she was butting in when it wasn't necessary...

Re: Need to vent/What do you do?

I think I'll talk to DH and see if maybe he can casually mention something to SIL. We get along really well, and I don't want to make waves...but this is starting to bother me more and more...if she's watching DD and tells her all these things, that's A-OK but I don't appreciate it when DH and I are both right there.

Re: Need to vent/What do you do?

I wouldn't care about the please thing, I wish that more people would enforce that with DD since we do it at home.

The food thing though is different, imo. I wouldn't want anyone telling my kid that they needed to finish all her food. I wouldn't mind them telling her to try it or no dessert or whatever, but not to finish her plate. I think she's much too young for that kind of thing.

ETA: the food thing bothers me b/c i feel like that is such a personal choice - all kids are different kinds of eaters, all parents have a different way of approaching getting your kid to eat.

Message edited 6/26/2013 3:16:30 PM.

Re: Need to vent/What do you do?

sorry but nothing you've said sounds that bad.

If someone says something to AJ that I generally agree with or see no harm in then I shrug it off. It won't hurt her to hear other adults give her direction. She knows my rules trump others and she is allowed to question any adult with any 'order'.

Mine is 5 now and if you tell her to sit up straight, finish her food, say please and thank you or use a fork, I have no issue (all I agree with) you tell her she has to pray before dinner and you'll get a look of death from me but no words. If she ask (and she will) why she has to close her eyes then I'll tell her "some people believe in thiking nice things before they eat to be grateful"

Now if you tell her she isn't to drink using a straw (my step mother) or can't have glass or silverware I will speak up and defend her.

Generally tho, all kids take discipline better from others in my mind. And thankfully she's a tattle tale will always tell me in detail what everyone has told her to do and why. LOL

Need to vent/What do you do?

Yeah she sounds like she is overstepping her bounds. If it is something you know DD has a problem with that you are trying to work on, then reinforcements are good. Especially from someone who you are close with and see all the time. She might view your DD as a surrogate child.

When my first niece was born, we all lived at home with our parents. She was the golden child. She had 6 adults taking care of her and doting on her because she was the first baby. I lived with her for 3 years before my sister got pregnant with twins. Me and my BIL would butt heads about everything. He never parented and all he would do is yell at us from the couch, while we were taking care of my niece. I would always say don't yell at me get off your a** and stop parenting from the couch! So I did feel like I was entitled to "raise" my niece because she was in my care. It's not easy to turn that on and off.

Now if this was my sister doing anything you just described it wouldn't be any problem for me. However if this was my MIL, I would be seeing red. LOL I do appreciate when my BIL reprimands my DDs because they are diabolical masterminds and probably up to no good but she stepped on your toes at dinner from across the table telling your DD to say please and thank you. That would have got a "I've got it, you can just enjoy your dinner" from me.

Message edited 6/26/2013 5:16:01 PM.

Re: Need to vent/What do you do?

ok.. forcing my kid to eat ...... NO WAY, just ask a room full of weight watchers people... some probably had family force food on them growing up.. Politely tell your child.. Its ok you don't have to eat it.

discipline.. thats up to parents to give time outs... All a non parent should say is - No don't hit your sister... if they continue its parents problem to handle how ever.

BUT telling kid to say please or thank you... its good to develop manners young.

Message edited 6/26/2013 7:20:46 PM.

Re: Need to vent/What do you do?

My mil feels the need to repeat everything I say. It's super annoying but unless she's trying to rush them, I stop it.

But I know how frustrating it is.

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Re: Need to vent/What do you do?