What would you tell DH?

Here is the situation. I have my own small dance school. I work four afternoons a week from September-early June. I love what I do and I make good money doing it.
DH works a normal full time job. He works 5 minutes from our house. He works from home on Thursdays. His job is really flexible with letting him leave early if the kids are sick.
We have family watching our boys in the afternoon from when I leave for work until DH comes home-roughly 3:00-6:00. That leaves DH in charge of dinner, homework, and bedtime before I even get home. And next year I'll be working more late nights. He's feeling really overwhelmed and unhappy about our arrangement.
He's been offered another position in his company. It's about 25-30 minutes from our house. Less money. No more working from home. No more flexibility. But it's a positive career move for him. He feels like it would offer him more future stability.
I know as his wife I should encourage him, but I'm having a hard time doing that. I feel almost like part of why he wants to take the position is so that he has less responsibility at home. I get that he has a lot on his plate, but I feel like this decision is a bit selfish of him. I wouldn't feel right having our family stay later and feeding the kids until DH gets home, so I feel like we will need to hire a babysitter for the afternoons. So not only will DH be making less, but now we will have more expenses.
Somebody point me in the right direction, because I really don't know how I'm supposed to react.

Re: What would you tell DH?

Message edited 5/14/2013 9:44:35 PM.

What would you tell DH?

i agree with you. it sounds like you guys have a good thing going on now. dinner homework and bedtime is a lot, but on the flipside you are both close to home, have flexible schedules, and the fact that the money is less and you may have to hire a babysitter may cause added stress. can you talk to dh about how you are feeling? my dh does a lot but we work opposite schedules so he doesn't have a choice.i would feel the same. good luck

Re: What would you tell DH?

Less money and a longer commute? No! It just doesn't make sense right now

Re: What would you tell DH?

Would his salary and benefits eventually outweigh the extra cost it will cause you now and if so, how soon?

I agree with the above poster, it sounds like you have a good thing going. I probably wouldn't change it.

Re: What would you tell DH?

Re: What would you tell DH?

I think you really need to talk to him. By thinking he's doing this to do less at home is a bit of a trust issue and I think it's important you are on the same page.

DH has wanted to apply for various positions and I keep telling him NO WEEKENDS! I work weekends since he works during the week. His job isn't open on weekends but if he went to another location he could have to work weekends and that wouldnt be fair to me since I'm already working nights usually on the weekends.

My point is there has to be a balance. DH gets DD all weekend long when I'm at work. Every bottle, nap, diaper etc. Is it exhausting? Yes. But it's as exhausting for me KWIM?

What would you tell DH?

So he wants to take a pay cut AND travel further and this is a POSITIVE move? Yeah, honestly I think he's just looking to get out of home time. Which is complete BS. If it was more money, maybe but to lose money an travel and now pay a sitter. Nope.

Re: What would you tell DH?

Re: What would you tell DH?

If the new job was truly a positive career move and DH was unhappy in his current position, I would support him 100%. I feel most moves within a company should have pay increases or at minimum be a lateral move with equal pay. If it is a different role that he has always wanted, that would be ok too.

If he is seeking another position that is further away for less pay just so he can get out of childcare duties during weeknights, that is unacceptable!

Message edited 5/15/2013 7:55:50 AM.

Re: What would you tell DH?

Re: What would you tell DH?

Re: What would you tell DH?

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Re: What would you tell DH?

You are going to get a lot of people to agree with you. Your set up sounds good now...

But, job stability is really important. If you can't support your family on your salary alone, you have to consider your DH job stability.

I work 30 min away from home and get paid less than I would if I worked 5 minutes away... Thing is, I have amazing job stability and a great position. If DH loses his job, my job would pull us through.

As for the time away from the kids and a sitter... These are things only you guys can decide.

What would you tell DH?

I mght be in the minority here but I think long term for my jobs. So I don't think the decision is one that is easily made.

Also, as far has him trying to get away from his duties at home....Honestly. I work a full time job and if I had to come home everynight and do dinner, HW, bath, bed dishes.....it would be a lot and I would get sick of it very quickly. My DH works full time also and those responsibilities are fully shared. I do get that your schedule doesn't allow for you to shar in these but I would be doing everything to make it easier if I was home all day.

Re: What would you tell DH?

What would you tell DH?

This is a tough one. If he is legitimately considering switching jobs because of housework, that is beyond wrong and I would definitely tell him it's unacceptable. But if he is truly unhappy at his job and he believes this could be a good move for him, I would support him taking the new job.

When I had DS, I cut my hours at work (and took a decent pay cut). I was seeing him an hour a day (if I was lucky) and I would have panic attacks at my desk if I was asked to work late because I knew I wouldn't see him at all that day. From a purely financial standpoint, it wasn't an ideal move. But my mental and emotional state is so much better that the pros vastly outweigh the cons in our situation.

I would just talk to him and see where his head is at. You know him better than anyone so if you think he is doing this for an easy out, you should let him know that taking a new job is not the way to go. But I know if I felt my DH was truly unhappy, I would support whatever job change that could make him happier (as long as it didn't SEVERELY hurt our finances to the point where we can't make ends meet).

Re: What would you tell DH?

Wow.. toughie.. my gut says talk to him about it.

I think it may be easy to see it as him trying to get out of responsibility but I am sure he loves your kids very much and maybe a career move will provide for their college and futures in a way that his current role would not? Even considering a job of any kind at less money can’t be easy these days. So it has to have some true pros that cannot be ignored. I’d seriously talk to him.

But in my home? No I could not discourage him from a choice as long as he justified it for the whole home, the family. My child is already in child care from 8am until 5:30-6pm and I see no harm in that at all. If I could trade and have her ‘only’ in child care for half that it would be a ‘negative’ to me since I find child care as learning / social highlight for her. However, if my hubby wanted to purposely have our house make LESS money just to be a career move well then.. I’d have to laugh because after all that is what I did! But we survived it and now its just part of our lives. So if he wanted to do the same I’d expect him to defend his decision logically with me before making it. Status quo is easier but we can and will survive change and make THAT status quo. But it’s a lot easier to accept change when you ‘buy into it’.

For me its putting it on paper. This is our monthly income and monthly expenses. This is what they WILL be. I did this when I moved to TX. Some things went up actually while my income went drastically down. Then we factored in stress. Seriously, how much friction would it or could it cause. Then we added in hours of ‘home time’ weekends and week days both. In NY we actually spent less weekend time together than here. So now that we spend less week day time it’s a wash. Week day time for us is more about getting ready for the next day vs weekend time which is really more family time. Then it’s a pros vs cons and what we can ‘live’ with for what ‘gain’.

Good Luck

Re: What would you tell DH?

Re: What would you tell DH?

Re: What would you tell DH?

I wouldn't want to tell him no and then have him hold it against you. Whatever is going to make him happier. My DH turned down a promotion because he loves his position now and his schedule wouldn't be as flexible. I also have my own business and although it was his decision, I was very happy..I count on his flexibilty.

What if you discuss the possibility of having a sitter come to the house and get the kids started with dinner and fed before he gets home. Then see if he still would want to take the new position. GL!!

What would you tell DH?

I think he has to be happy as well. That is great that this is working for you now, but would this new job eventually bring in more money for your family? If so, then i say deal with it now so you can reap the benfeits later.
My DH just took a promotion a couple months ago which cut his OT out almost completely. OT is A LOT of money!!! He will eventually get it back ful swing, but for now we are cutting back a little so we can have more later. Also, his happiness is important to me as well. If he hated what he was doing I would encourage him to find something that makes him happy b/c if he is not happy it will eventually trickle down to you and your family.

Re: What would you tell DH?

Re: What would you tell DH?

What time do you get home? I don't know about ur house but in mine bed time is such a shit show. If I were him the dinner stuff wouldn't be a big deal but being in charge of bedtime alone would be a stressor.