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jambalady
Is it summer yet?
Member since 8/06 7392 total posts
Name:
Holly
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Posted by jambalady
Listen, I think you have every right to have a conversation with them and it is the responsible thing to do.
What I would strongly caution against is how you decide to bring up the topic.
While you may have the best intentions for both your kids and theirs, all of your posts are coming off extremely cold and selfish.
What giomia and others are saying is that for many people, when they are thinking about the unthinkable situation of both parents passing away, the first thing you want to ensure is that they will be with people who will love and take care of them no matter what, unconditionally, with no reservation or hesitation.
The thought of money should never come into mind.
Just understand that train of thought when you bring up the discussion. Don't lecture about how irresponsible they are.
Say you are honored and that you will love them unconditionally and then ASK them how they would ideally like to see them raised. What kind of college do you see them going to and then gently volunteer how you have planned for your kids security.
You should approach it as how you can best serve the best interest of your niece and nephew and NOT the burden it will be on you and how it is taking away from your existing family.
What you are saying now is "poor me" and not "what can I do to help then". Or at least that is the tone you are giving off.
What you call cold and heartless, I call practical and responsible. I have also said 400 times, RIGHT NOW, it ISNT about helping my niece or nephew or how they would feel if their parents DIED, bc THEY ARE NOT DEAD. It is about taking the responsible steps NOW god forbid anything SHOULD ever happen in the future.
Agreed. They are not dead, and RIGHT NOW, you are not broke, homeless with 4 kids to support.
It's all about perception and belief that you have the kids best interest at heart. I'm not saying you don't. I'm sure you do.
All I am saying is think about how you suggest a better way for all of you that doesn't focus on what a burden it will be for you.
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Posted 4/30/13 4:08 PM  |
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Sash
Peace
Member since 6/08 10314 total posts
Name:
fka LIW Smara
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Thanks for the opinions, and I am glad to hear *most* dont think I am being unreasonable here.
At X - I just feel like it is NOT THEIR choice to make, if it could have a serious negative impact on the lives of my family, as well as their children, it is NOT a choice but a necessity. The irresponsibility to NOT think of these things while you can is incomprehensible to me.
What does your DH think about this? How close is he with his Sister? Maybe she isnt thinking of it from a selfish point of view.
My sister and I are very close and it was always implied that anything happened to us we will get each other kids. I never felt like she was making the choice for me or vice versa. This is something I had to discuss with my DH when we were engaged since my niece was already born. I had to make sure he was on the same page. Was your DH aware of this?
Now as for as my back up guardians, since there is no implication with another couple/person I would have to discuss it with whomever we choose. I dont know who they are yet.
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| Posted 4/30/13 4:18 PM |
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buttercup
St. Jude pray for us...
Member since 1/11 2951 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
I read most of the comments and to me, I wouldn't bat an eye trying to take our nephews. Will it be hard.. yes, no doubt but those children just lost their parents and regardless of how irresponsible you want to label the parents, we just have to make do... that's the definition of family to me. So what, no big vacations, fancy birthday parties etc.. but all children will grow in a house filled with love and at some point they will appreciate it.
And to the comment that the parents in question just assumed they will be taken care and to be annoyed about it.. that blew my mind. So what if they assumed.. that's what family is there for.. they've got you, regardless of there's money involved or not. I think many look at is as a burden upon themselves and their family to raise another child.. yes there are financial implications but seriously, in the long run if you putting food on the table for 5, what is another two more mouths.
This is just my thinking and my humble opinion as I come from a family where my parents still support their parents and families back home. Its just how its done for us... and if that is what is expected of me, then I would do it.
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| Posted 4/30/13 4:24 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Oh, I give up.
And before anyone says, not everyone is going to agree with you, blah blah blah. That is FINE.
I have repeatedly said the same things over and over and over. And yet, some of it, like, OF COURSE I would still take them, seems to be falling on deaf ears. If you want to call me, cold, heartless, selfish, that "I'm not there for my family", if you want to make it out like I am looking for money from them, that money is a deciding factor as to whether I would care for them, then THAT is where you are wrong and THAT is why I give up. Not bc you don't agree with me.
I still stand by my feelings, that I am being responsible and practical in considering how we would financially provide a good life for everyone and how we would provide at all. And if considering the implications it would have on my children....college, etc, makes me selfish, then fine, in that regard, I welcome being called selfish.
Message edited 4/30/2013 4:40:45 PM.
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| Posted 4/30/13 4:32 PM |
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computergirl
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 3118 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by buttercup
yes there are financial implications but seriously, in the long run if you putting food on the table for 5, what is another two more mouths.
I'm sorry but raising a child is so much more than having a couple extra bowls of pasta on the table. This is like saying the cpsts of home ownership are nothing worse than a trip or two to Home Depot  People literally defer having a second child due to the cost of childcare. People start saving for college the day the kid is born. Children require medical care. Children require dental care. All you hear about, and what most of us are LIVING, is how there are a lot of costs, both obvious and hidden, to raising a child.
In a perfect world, we could say "love is all you need" but in reality it takes money too.
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| Posted 4/30/13 4:34 PM |
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MRsFaTThead
NY GIRL IN TEXAS
Member since 6/10 5483 total posts
Name:
WHO GIVES A POO WHO GIVES A FUDGE !!
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Oh, I give up.
And before anyone says, not everyone is going to agree with you, blah blah blah. That is FINE.
I have repeatedly said the same things over and over and over. And yet, some of it, like OF COURSE I would still take them, seems to be falling on deaf ears. If you want to call me, cold, heartless, selfish, that "I'm not there for my family" then THAT is where you are wrong and THAT is why I give up. Not bc you don't agree with me.
Don't you dare give up!!! Imo some of these broads are crazy! !!! So it's ago to bring up that you want someone to take care of your kid/children whem your die but it's not okto talk amout money?! Why the fudge not!?
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| Posted 4/30/13 4:43 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by MRsFaTThead
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Oh, I give up.
And before anyone says, not everyone is going to agree with you, blah blah blah. That is FINE.
I have repeatedly said the same things over and over and over. And yet, some of it, like OF COURSE I would still take them, seems to be falling on deaf ears. If you want to call me, cold, heartless, selfish, that "I'm not there for my family" then THAT is where you are wrong and THAT is why I give up. Not bc you don't agree with me.
Don't you dare give up!!! Imo some of these broads are crazy! !!! So it's ago to bring up that you want someone to take care of your kid/children whem your die but it's not okto talk amout money?! Why the fudge not!?
My stance certainly hasn't changed, and I AM going to bring it up to my BIL and SIL. BUT really, I feel like we are stuck in some terrible loop here and people are starting to get nasty and honestly, I wanted their opinions on LIFE INSURANCE, not what kind of Aunt or person I was. So to that, I am done discussing. If anyone cares to continue on discussing the financial implications or what one should or shouldn't plan for in the tragic event someone with children should pass away, I am all ears, to ALL opinions.
Not one more time, will I however, defend myself as a it relates to me and the level at which I value or care about my family.
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| Posted 4/30/13 4:51 PM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54921 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Posted by MRsFaTThead
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Oh, I give up.
And before anyone says, not everyone is going to agree with you, blah blah blah. That is FINE.
I have repeatedly said the same things over and over and over. And yet, some of it, like OF COURSE I would still take them, seems to be falling on deaf ears. If you want to call me, cold, heartless, selfish, that "I'm not there for my family" then THAT is where you are wrong and THAT is why I give up. Not bc you don't agree with me.
Don't you dare give up!!! Imo some of these broads are crazy! !!! So it's ago to bring up that you want someone to take care of your kid/children whem your die but it's not okto talk amout money?! Why the fudge not!?
My stance certainly hasn't changed, and I AM going to bring it up to my BIL and SIL. BUT really, I feel like we are stuck in some terrible loop here and people are starting to get nasty and honestly, I wanted their opinions on LIFE INSURANCE, not what kind of Aunt or person I was. So to that, I am done discussing. If anyone cares to continue on discussing the financial implications or what one should or shouldn't plan for in the tragic event someone with children should pass away, I am all ears, to ALL opinions.
Not one more time, will I however, defend myself as a it relates to me and the level at which I value or care about my family.
FWIW I agree with you 100%.
As a PARENT I couldn't imagine not having life insurance to provide for MY DD should the unthinkable happen.
Woud my sister still take her in shoudl me and DH die? Of course.
But as HER PARENT- I couldn't imagine not at least TRYING to provide for her.
It's not my SISTER'S responsiblity - just because she is my sister. It is MINE.
Period the end.
I know damn well that my sister would never leave my DD out on the street if I didn't have insurance. But I would NEVER consider that.
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| Posted 4/30/13 5:15 PM |
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Kitten1929
LIF Adult
Member since 1/13 6040 total posts
Name:
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Quite the dilemma
This is silly. It is glaringly obvious that people need to fight just for the sake of fighting. Isn't flucking obvious that anyone would take an orphaned child in without question? And "make it work?" But I'll be honest and say that anyone who brings a child into this world and doesn't plan for the grim unpleasantries of life is DAMNED IRRESPONSIBLE.
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| Posted 4/30/13 5:24 PM |
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Sash
Peace
Member since 6/08 10314 total posts
Name:
fka LIW Smara
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Posted by MRsFaTThead
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Oh, I give up.
And before anyone says, not everyone is going to agree with you, blah blah blah. That is FINE.
I have repeatedly said the same things over and over and over. And yet, some of it, like OF COURSE I would still take them, seems to be falling on deaf ears. If you want to call me, cold, heartless, selfish, that "I'm not there for my family" then THAT is where you are wrong and THAT is why I give up. Not bc you don't agree with me.
Don't you dare give up!!! Imo some of these broads are crazy! !!! So it's ago to bring up that you want someone to take care of your kid/children whem your die but it's not okto talk amout money?! Why the fudge not!?
My stance certainly hasn't changed, and I AM going to bring it up to my BIL and SIL. BUT really, I feel like we are stuck in some terrible loop here and people are starting to get nasty and honestly, I wanted their opinions on LIFE INSURANCE, not what kind of Aunt or person I was. So to that, I am done discussing. If anyone cares to continue on discussing the financial implications or what one should or shouldn't plan for in the tragic event someone with children should pass away, I am all ears, to ALL opinions.
Not one more time, will I however, defend myself as a it relates to me and the level at which I value or care about my family.
Well I dont think Im crazy because money is not a factor in taking in my nieces or nephew.
Nor did i ever question you as an aunt. However, I would like to ask you a question: what happens if you have this discussion and they have no plans of getting life insurance. How would you deal with it. Are you 100% OK with financially sacrificing you and your family and dealing with all the emotional strain that comes with it if something were to happen? and i genuinely am asking out of curiousity.
You dont have to answer but its just something to think about since this is going to impact your family & there could be a chance that they will be laid back about the life insurance.
My aunt and her Fiance had to to live separately when she took my sister and I in. It was a huge strain dealing with her two kids, his two teen kids and then me & my sister. It was a stressful situation for everyone and everyone had to sacrifice.
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| Posted 4/30/13 5:28 PM |
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Sash
Peace
Member since 6/08 10314 total posts
Name:
fka LIW Smara
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by Kitten1929
This is silly. It is glaringly obvious that people need to fight just for the sake of fighting. Isn't flucking obvious that anyone would take an orphaned child in without question? And "make it work?" But I'll be honest and say that anyone who brings a child into this world and doesn't plan for the grim unpleasantries of life is DAMNED IRRESPONSIBLE.
umm no its not obvious, that is why you have kids in foster homes. All the kids arent there because they have cracked out parents. I know instances where kids were put in foster homes because family/friends did not take them in.
Not everyone is willing/capable of being a suitable guardian and I dont think that makes them a bad person.
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| Posted 4/30/13 5:35 PM |
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Kitten1929
LIF Adult
Member since 1/13 6040 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by Sash
Posted by Kitten1929
This is silly. It is glaringly obvious that people need to fight just for the sake of fighting. Isn't flucking obvious that anyone would take an orphaned child in without question? And "make it work?" But I'll be honest and say that anyone who brings a child into this world and doesn't plan for the grim unpleasantries of life is DAMNED IRRESPONSIBLE.
umm no its not obvious, that is why you have kids in foster homes. All the kids arent there because they have cracked out parents. I know instances where kids were put in foster homes because family/friends did not take them in.
Not everyone is willing/capable of being a suitable guardian and I dont think that makes them a bad person.
I am speaking specifically about the people who have posted on this thread. I never said not taking in a child made someone a bad person.
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| Posted 4/30/13 5:44 PM |
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MAC222
LIF Adult
Member since 12/08 3860 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Posted by MAC222
How old are the kids? How do you know there isn't a life insurance policy?
6 and 2
How I know is irrelevant to this conversation, honestly, but the fact remains I am 110% sure there is not one in place.
Okay, I was asking as in had they told you there wasn't one in place when she said she would want you to take the kids. Honestly, I would have your husband do the talking. Again, it could just be the way I am reading it, forgive me..you just aren't coming off like you truly care and want them to get a policy, but more how crazy and selfish it is that they don't have one. If these are your in-laws, just tell you husband to talk to his brother/sister, then you don't have to worry about it. But i would wait until they officially ask you.
Message edited 4/30/2013 9:22:32 PM.
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| Posted 4/30/13 8:33 PM |
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LeeCR7
LIF Infant
Member since 5/08 138 total posts
Name:
Laura
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Re: Quite the dilemma
It's clear that you would take your nieces/nephews, and that is, simply, wonderful. Regardless of the circumstances, I'm sure you would make it work.
It seems like most people are saying that there is nothing wrong with having a conversation with the parents, and I agree. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. What people seem to be cautioning you about is how to approach the matter. Money is an incredibly sensitive issue, and if you tell them that they are acting irresponsibly, etc, it is likely to blow up with nothing resolved. So have the conversation if you feel you need to do so, but make sure it does not come off as judgmental, because people tend to dig in their heels when they feel they are being judged.
Ultimately, you can't force them to buy life insurance, but you can try to gently steer them in the right direction. And that will only work if you have a very diplomatic conversation with them.
Good luck!
BTW, we are in a similar situation, and my SIL and BIL don't have life insurance and say they can't afford it, so it would be tough if we had to take in their kids. I won't say it doesn't worry me sometimes, but there's nothing I can do about it. Hope it works out better for you, and, of course, I hope none of us have to deal with this situation in reality!
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| Posted 5/1/13 12:31 AM |
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schmora15
LIF Adult
Member since 9/08 2476 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Posted by MRsFaTThead
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Oh, I give up.
And before anyone says, not everyone is going to agree with you, blah blah blah. That is FINE.
I have repeatedly said the same things over and over and over. And yet, some of it, like OF COURSE I would still take them, seems to be falling on deaf ears. If you want to call me, cold, heartless, selfish, that "I'm not there for my family" then THAT is where you are wrong and THAT is why I give up. Not bc you don't agree with me.
Don't you dare give up!!! Imo some of these broads are crazy! !!! So it's ago to bring up that you want someone to take care of your kid/children whem your die but it's not okto talk amout money?! Why the fudge not!?
My stance certainly hasn't changed, and I AM going to bring it up to my BIL and SIL. BUT really, I feel like we are stuck in some terrible loop here and people are starting to get nasty and honestly, I wanted their opinions on LIFE INSURANCE, not what kind of Aunt or person I was. So to that, I am done discussing. If anyone cares to continue on discussing the financial implications or what one should or shouldn't plan for in the tragic event someone with children should pass away, I am all ears, to ALL opinions.
Not one more time, will I however, defend myself as a it relates to me and the level at which I value or care about my family.
As a mom I would LOVE that you care enough to ask. God forbid something does happen, I would want to know my kids are taken care off how I want them to be and how they need to be. I can't believe how negative some people are.
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| Posted 5/1/13 6:24 AM |
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alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!
Member since 5/09 18388 total posts
Name:
Allison
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Posted by MRsFaTThead
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Oh, I give up.
And before anyone says, not everyone is going to agree with you, blah blah blah. That is FINE.
I have repeatedly said the same things over and over and over. And yet, some of it, like OF COURSE I would still take them, seems to be falling on deaf ears. If you want to call me, cold, heartless, selfish, that "I'm not there for my family" then THAT is where you are wrong and THAT is why I give up. Not bc you don't agree with me.
Don't you dare give up!!! Imo some of these broads are crazy! !!! So it's ago to bring up that you want someone to take care of your kid/children whem your die but it's not okto talk amout money?! Why the fudge not!?
My stance certainly hasn't changed, and I AM going to bring it up to my BIL and SIL. BUT really, I feel like we are stuck in some terrible loop here and people are starting to get nasty and honestly, I wanted their opinions on LIFE INSURANCE, not what kind of Aunt or person I was. So to that, I am done discussing. If anyone cares to continue on discussing the financial implications or what one should or shouldn't plan for in the tragic event someone with children should pass away, I am all ears, to ALL opinions.
Not one more time, will I however, defend myself as a it relates to me and the level at which I value or care about my family.
FWIW I agree with you 100%.
As a PARENT I couldn't imagine not having life insurance to provide for MY DD should the unthinkable happen.
Woud my sister still take her in shoudl me and DH die? Of course.
But as HER PARENT- I couldn't imagine not at least TRYING to provide for her.
It's not my SISTER'S responsiblity - just because she is my sister. It is MINE.
Period the end.
I know damn well that my sister would never leave my DD out on the street if I didn't have insurance. But I would NEVER consider that.
I 100% agree with you too. It's not about would you take them in or not its about being a responsible parent now for your child's future. They were responsible enough to think about guardians now they can be responsible enough to think about the financial side of it.
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| Posted 5/1/13 5:40 PM |
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by jambalady
Listen, I think you have every right to have a conversation with them and it is the responsible thing to do.
What I would strongly caution against is how you decide to bring up the topic.
While you may have the best intentions for both your kids and theirs, all of your posts are coming off extremely cold and selfish.
What giomia and others are saying is that for many people, when they are thinking about the unthinkable situation of both parents passing away, the first thing you want to ensure is that they will be with people who will love and take care of them no matter what, unconditionally, with no reservation or hesitation.
The thought of money should never come into mind.
Just understand that train of thought when you bring up the discussion. Don't lecture about how irresponsible they are.
Say you are honored and that you will love them unconditionally and then ASK them how they would ideally like to see them raised. What kind of college do you see them going to and then gently volunteer how you have planned for your kids security.
You should approach it as how you can best serve the best interest of your niece and nephew and NOT the burden it will be on you and how it is taking away from your existing family.
What you are saying now is "poor me" and not "what can I do to help then". Or at least that is the tone you are giving off.
This was so well said. Too bad the OP can't see that.
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| Posted 5/1/13 7:15 PM |
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Mrs213
????????
Member since 2/09 18986 total posts
Name:
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Quite the dilemma
Idk, life insurance can be costly and DH and I are in a bind right now financially we are lucky we can afford the minimal amount we have. I'd be careful how you approach this. Ts not at the forefront of everyone's mind ya know?
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| Posted 5/1/13 9:50 PM |
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butterfly20
Party of 5 - 2015
Member since 4/06 7390 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
haven't read all the pages of drama...... But here goes(and I'm sure you'll have a field day with this).
Kids are very expensive. You procreate, you provide for your kids. If you provide for them while your alive, then why wouldn't you want that for when your gone? Life insurance can be costly BUT you only need to buy a 20 year term life policy to get you through to college age... Once their in college you aren't going to need a guardian for them... Dh and I take the 2x the salary life insurance option from work, and have equity in house/bank account that someone would be able to afford guarding our kids. We originally thought IL's (over my sister) , but now thinking BIL that he's older.
Its not just a money issue... are you sure the four kids would get along under one roof, day after day?I have 2 kids, I could tell you right away 2 extra kids with no extra money would break us(no it wouldnt be fair for dh and I to have to get second jobs - see the kids less, sell the house to rent a 2 bedroom etc) ..I do have a niece&nephew, I'm pretty sure sibling has life insurance policies ontop of investment accounts, the house equity, money not being an issue I still personally would not take my niece and nephew.I knew this when my son was a baby(probably even before he was born) Yeah I love them, but the way they were raised, so different then my kids, it would be such a mess. I'd think they'd be best off with their grandparents. Doesn't mean I don't love them. I love them, but I didn't procreate them, I'm not obligated, and no one would be happy.
There is only one kid I would without hesitation accept as guardian(oddly enough I've only hung out with her twice since shes in TX) but I know she'd get along well with my kids in respect and all. Assuming no extra money, I could stretch the budget to one extra kid without having to sell the house, and give up sports teams for kids - they'd all maintain their lifestyle and be happy.
Since its DH's family, DH needs to have the talk...
- Hey, you guys mentioned us being the guardians for your kids. While we are very honored you guys would think of us, our budget and savings wouldn't be able to provide for 2 extra kids. Do you guys have a life insurance policy to cover their expenses? (Then if No- I'm sorry then we are not the best option to take on that responsibility, we'd still be there to visit them and if they need someone to talk to.
Message edited 5/1/2013 11:21:39 PM.
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| Posted 5/1/13 11:18 PM |
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