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Pray4Baby2010
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Member since 10/09 5796 total posts
Name:
MB
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by Xelindrya
Sorry but I’m in the minority here. Money wouldn’t have come to mind. I’d just feel very humbled they choose to trust their children to me. So I wouldn’t bring anything up. Just hope for the best that for other reasons that this never comes to pass.
Sorry I just can't understand this- I am in a similar situation and of course I am honored and would literally DIE before I would ever let my niece/nephew go to strangers or whatever.
But why on earth would planning things out for the best outcome mean that you don't want them? I think actually it says the exact opposite- that you love them SO much that you want to make sure that they are provided for and can go to college and not end up in debt, etc.
DH and I waited until we were older/more established to have our children so we could give them the very best- why would I want my children or my niece/nephew to have anything less?
I just don't understand why anyone doesnt see the op's point here?
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Posted 4/30/13 1:33 PM  |
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july4mrsO
Happy boy!
Member since 5/10 2867 total posts
Name:
Jess
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Quite the dilemma
I'm just speaking for myself here. It's not that I don't see the OP's point, I believe I do. I agree that people should have life insurance and they should ASK someone to be their child's guardian. However, the way I read it in later posts made it seem like this was just a passing comment in conversation and not a thought out plan yet. To me, that doesn't mean there are no plans to get life insurance in the future, etc. Maybe this is something she's just starting to think about. Who knows?
It's understandable to me that you would want to be practical and know the financial situation ahead of time. For me, if I was asked to be a guardian for a close family member, I would not think to question anyone on life insurance, etc. I don't think anyone was saying it's wrong to talk about life insurance when appointing a guardian. I think most of us were saying, it just wouldn't cross our minds in that moment. That's all.
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| Posted 4/30/13 1:48 PM |
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Otherme
Square head cutie pants
Member since 3/06 6899 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Posted by JandJ1224
You would get social security every month which would help cover the costs to raise them. If it were my sister I would suggest life insurance.
For me god forbid something tragic happened I would take my neices in a heartbeat with no questions asked. The money could figure it self out.
I am going to say this one last time, OF COURSE I WOULD TAKE MY NIECE AND NEPHEW. I have said it a million times, life insurance is NOT a stipulation to me deciding to take them or not. I wouldnt turn them away, leave them out on the street, send them to live with some strangers. I would never. Is that clear?
I'm so sorry you have to keep repeating this over and over again.
It's pretty obvious to me what you were asking and why
your heart and mind are in the right place, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise
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| Posted 4/30/13 1:57 PM |
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DiamondGirl
You are my I love you
Member since 7/09 18802 total posts
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DiamondMama
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by Pray4Baby2010
Posted by Xelindrya
Sorry but I’m in the minority here. Money wouldn’t have come to mind. I’d just feel very humbled they choose to trust their children to me. So I wouldn’t bring anything up. Just hope for the best that for other reasons that this never comes to pass.
Sorry I just can't understand this- I am in a similar situation and of course I am honored and would literally DIE before I would ever let my niece/nephew go to strangers or whatever.
But why on earth would planning things out for the best outcome mean that you don't want them? I think actually it says the exact opposite- that you love them SO much that you want to make sure that they are provided for and can go to college and not end up in debt, etc.
DH and I waited until we were older/more established to have our children so we could give them the very best- why would I want my children or my niece/nephew to have anything less?
I just don't understand why anyone doesnt see the op's point here?
MB I am totally with you, it makes no sense to me, if someone is comfortable enough to leave their kids with me to raise, I am comfortable enough to suggest they set up the best way to care for their children financially.
My brother WOULD leave his son with me and DH in large part bc we are responsible, loving aunt/uncle--notice the word RESPONSIBLE--providing for your children is your responsibility as a parent and if my brother wasn't doing that I would be sure to tell him he should.
Message edited 4/30/2013 2:06:07 PM.
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| Posted 4/30/13 2:05 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
I swear sometimes I think I am in the twilight zone 
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| Posted 4/30/13 2:17 PM |
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MRsFaTThead
NY GIRL IN TEXAS
Member since 6/10 5483 total posts
Name:
WHO GIVES A POO WHO GIVES A FUDGE !!
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Re: Quite the dilemma
I wonder how many of these "we would make it work" peeps would make a fake screen names to vent how a family member didn't prepare and how broke they are and can't provide for their own kids
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| Posted 4/30/13 2:20 PM |
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GioiaMia
Let's Go Rangers!
Member since 1/07 14818 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by 2BadSoSad
I swear sometimes I think I am in the twilight zone
Hey, I feel the same way!!! 
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| Posted 4/30/13 2:23 PM |
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DiamondGirl
You are my I love you
Member since 7/09 18802 total posts
Name:
DiamondMama
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by MRsFaTThead
I wonder how many of these "we would make it work" peeps would make a fake screen names to vent how a family member didn't prepare and how broke they are and can't provide for their own kids
I just dont get it, it would not be the FIRST thing that came to my mind but certainly if I was aware my brother and SIL had no insurance policy I would discuss the benfits with them and suggest they get one, honestly what good parent wouldn't want to be informed of this?some might not know.
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| Posted 4/30/13 2:29 PM |
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MAC222
LIF Adult
Member since 12/08 3860 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
How old are the kids? How do you know there isn't a life insurance policy?
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| Posted 4/30/13 2:42 PM |
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computergirl
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 3118 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
I am really, really shocked by the number of "everything will work itself out" responses. All you read on this board are posts about how hard it is to make it on Long Island-- the cost of housing, the cost of childcare, saving for college, a tough employment market, and so on. Things are clearly not always "working themselves out" or people would not be struggling so much. That said, to appoint a guardian without a plan in place for how you'd help that guardian AFFORD those kids is wildly selfish, irresponsible and entitled. Really taking advantage of the bonds of family. I would be rightfully annoyed if I were the OP.
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| Posted 4/30/13 2:44 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by MAC222
How old are the kids? How do you know there isn't a life insurance policy?
6 and 2
How I know is irrelevant to this conversation, honestly, but the fact remains I am 110% sure there is not one in place.
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| Posted 4/30/13 2:46 PM |
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Karen
Just chillin'!!
Member since 1/06 9690 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by computergirl
I am really, really shocked by the number of "everything will work itself out" responses. All you read on this board are posts about how hard it is to make it on Long Island-- the cost of housing, the cost of childcare, saving for college, a tough employment market, and so on. Things are clearly not always "working themselves out" or people would not be struggling so much. That said, to appoint a guardian without a plan in place for how you'd help that guardian AFFORD those kids is wildly selfish, irresponsible and entitled. Really taking advantage of the bonds of family. I would be rightfully annoyed if I were the OP.
Beautifully said!!!
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| Posted 4/30/13 2:48 PM |
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Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!
Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
Name:
Veronica
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by Pray4Baby2010
Posted by Xelindrya
Sorry but I’m in the minority here. Money wouldn’t have come to mind. I’d just feel very humbled they choose to trust their children to me. So I wouldn’t bring anything up. Just hope for the best that for other reasons that this never comes to pass.
Sorry I just can't understand this- I am in a similar situation and of course I am honored and would literally DIE before I would ever let my niece/nephew go to strangers or whatever.
But why on earth would planning things out for the best outcome mean that you don't want them? I think actually it says the exact opposite- that you love them SO much that you want to make sure that they are provided for and can go to college and not end up in debt, etc.
DH and I waited until we were older/more established to have our children so we could give them the very best- why would I want my children or my niece/nephew to have anything less?
I just don't understand why anyone doesnt see the op's point here?
ok i didnt read pages 2 & 3 etc.. i only read the question. Holy cramolies the emotions on here are crazy.. so I came at this innocent but stupid. so let me clarify.
Money or not, she'll take the kids. Good for her. just saying *I* wouldnt have thought of the money situtation nor would I bring it up. Her original post said basically "would you say something" my answer is 'no'. Prehaps I should have stopped there (well lets be honest hell YEAH i should have stopped there) but the rest I wrote was NOT meant as some sort of attack.
no one WANTS to have their children OR their adoptive children to have less than they can possibly give. EVER.
But my family adopted 3 children when we had only one income in the house and maxed out. Did it make life hell? sure. But we didnt stop to think, we just did it. It was us or they'd be wards of the state.
I just dont, in general, think of finances that way (naive I guess). i dont care who gets what for inheritance money either. Give me something or nothing, because nothing will replace a loved one.  its not meant as a 'you didnt think of it that way' but more like this....
if the worst happens NOTHING else will matter..
Is it a better idea to be prepared? yes. But that's THEIR decision to do so. they have not. I am not the kind of person to point that out to them. I am just hoping nothing would ever happen that it would come to that.
to OP. Hey, I just hope you never have to test the waters.. ever. Because at the heart of this whole conversation is the death of loved ones.. thats all I see. Saddness.
But no.. i don't think this reflects on you in anway other than you're thinking ahead.. they are not. but that can be said for so many of the choices we all make.
Does it reflect on them? maybe, but they can be human and just not thought of it.
everyone else.. i hope none of us ever EVER have to test these waters ourselves and at the very least maybe some of us will go out and get some life insurance.
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| Posted 4/30/13 2:57 PM |
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Pray4Baby2010
<3 Cutest Giants Fan
Member since 10/09 5796 total posts
Name:
MB
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Re: Quite the dilemma
X- sorry I shouldn't have specifically called out your post. I just legit felt bad for the OP- she obviously cares for her niece and nephew and wants the best. And now is a perfect time to have this conversation since everyone is here to talk about it and work through it
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| Posted 4/30/13 3:14 PM |
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Traysee
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/10 652 total posts
Name:
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Quite the dilemma
Ok so now after reading all these replies.. what are you going to do? I think I would probably put it on DH to open up the conversation, since it is his brother's children right? I would probably invite them over for dinner and have the discussion in person.
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| Posted 4/30/13 3:16 PM |
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MRsFaTThead
NY GIRL IN TEXAS
Member since 6/10 5483 total posts
Name:
WHO GIVES A POO WHO GIVES A FUDGE !!
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Re: Quite the dilemma
im sorry but my sil has every right to bring up money!!!!!!!!!!! kids aint cheap!!!!!!! why should my child/children make her life harder than what it needs to be. What about her life?!??!?! The home she might want to buy with her husband. The children she wants to have and the things she want to do for them!!!!
i still can't over this "make it work" crap!!!!
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| Posted 4/30/13 3:40 PM |
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neener1211
:-)
Member since 4/07 22952 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: Quite the dilemma
If you discuss your concerns with your BIL and SIL now, while they are still alive, neither you nor they have to worry about how their children will survive financially. What if they had chosen a friend, or another family member with less to work with than you...is that fair? No.
The responsible thing for them as parents to do is to not only make sure they are taken care of physically, but also financially.
If you don't have the discussion with them, nothing will get done. Especially if this is a valid concern. The OP wants to make sure that her niece and nephew are well taken care of. That's the point. Not that she's worried about only the money. She wants to be prepared for this responsibility-and this is part of being prepared.
I would never imagine having anyone take care of my kids without them knowing that my children would be taken care of financially if something happened to us. It would be irresponsible of me as a parent to make my children suffer in any way and my family struggle to care for the children I decided to have.
Message edited 4/30/2013 3:45:08 PM.
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| Posted 4/30/13 3:42 PM |
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Katareen
5,000 Posts!
Member since 4/10 7180 total posts
Name:
Katherine
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by MRsFaTThead
im sorry but my sil has every right to bring up money!!!!!!!!!!! kids aint cheap!!!!!!! why should my child/children make her life harder than what it needs to be. What about her life?!??!?! The home she might want to buy with her husband. The children she wants to have and the things she want to do for them!!!!
i still can't over this "make it work" crap!!!!
Yes I agree...we are the named guardians for my SIL who has 4 kids. DH and I both need to work to provide for our ONE child, so if we had 5 and no life insurance money--even if we cut out EVERY extra--it would be impossible. We simply do not bring in enough money to "make it work". They would survive, but the kids would not have warm clothes, shoes, proper nutrition, safe daycare. That just isn't a life anyone wants for their children/nieces/nephews.
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| Posted 4/30/13 3:46 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Quite the dilemma
This was a what would you do question in OP.
Answers are mixed.
I would not bring it up.
They should have insurance. A lot of people do not. I cannot spend other people's money for them no matter how hard I have tried.
For a what would you do...I am telling you what I did. I have 12 kids willed to me...I never discussed finances. I really never thought of it.
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| Posted 4/30/13 3:55 PM |
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jambalady
Is it summer yet?
Member since 8/06 7392 total posts
Name:
Holly
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Listen, I think you have every right to have a conversation with them and it is the responsible thing to do.
What I would strongly caution against is how you decide to bring up the topic.
While you may have the best intentions for both your kids and theirs, all of your posts are coming off extremely cold and selfish.
What giomia and others are saying is that for many people, when they are thinking about the unthinkable situation of both parents passing away, the first thing you want to ensure is that they will be with people who will love and take care of them no matter what, unconditionally, with no reservation or hesitation.
The thought of money should never come into mind.
Just understand that train of thought when you bring up the discussion. Don't lecture about how irresponsible they are.
Say you are honored and that you will love them unconditionally and then ASK them how they would ideally like to see them raised. What kind of college do you see them going to and then gently volunteer how you have planned for your kids security.
You should approach it as how you can best serve the best interest of your niece and nephew and NOT the burden it will be on you and how it is taking away from your existing family.
What you are saying now is "poor me" and not "what can I do to help then". Or at least that is the tone you are giving off.
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| Posted 4/30/13 3:56 PM |
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Sash
Peace
Member since 6/08 10314 total posts
Name:
fka LIW Smara
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Quite the dilemma
Without a doubt i would take my sisters kids in regardless of money. And I will have to make it work. However, because we are well aware of sudden deaths and how it can impact everyone around you, we both do have Life Insurance etc. I totally relate to everyone who said, I wouldnt be thinking about it and would take the kids in regardless. my mother died unexpectedly and I know how it feels to be orphaned as a child. It is a major reason why I decided to take in my son even though I had originally planned to be Childless cpl.
I do agree that everyone should be prepared and have life insurance. And i do not think it is wrong to sit and talk with your SIL and voice your concerns. This is the well being of her children, maybe she really isnt thinking about it in detail. There are many people who dont actually plan life after their own death or arent comfortable. My sister and I always casually say stuff like that. You will get my kids if I die. So definitely talk with SIL or have your DH have the conversation. But the conversation definitely needs to happen.
Lastly, I agree with the others that your post appeared to have an underlying tone. That is how i read it. It seemed like although you would take them in, it may not be something you will be able to handle or would want to do. Ofcourse this is perception and I could be wrong. However, if this is how you feel, than I would have a conversation and have them choose other guardians. The last thing those children & your family would need is to be in a stressful environment. A decision like this can break a family up.. so I strongly recommend that anyone who is going to agree to be a guardian, that they have clearly thought it out thoroughly and both spouses are on the same page.
Now this may not be how you feel at all but if it is or anyone in this situation, then I think its ok to say I will be there for your kids but I will not be able to take care of them full time and it isnt in the kids best interest. And yes this may cause controversy or some tension now, but I think in the long run it is best to think what would be best for the kids. I also wholeheartedly believe that this does not mean you do not love your nieces/nephew or there isnt some strong bond.
Again if this is NOT how you feel and it just about the SIL catching you off guard and not having anything prepared for her children, then i think the only advice I can give is to sit down and have a conversation with them. GL, it is definitely a big decision that people take lightly because they dont think it could happen.
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| Posted 4/30/13 3:58 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Thanks for the opinions, and I am glad to hear *most* dont think I am being unreasonable here.
At X - I just feel like it is NOT THEIR choice to make, if it could have a serious negative impact on the lives of my family, as well as their children, it is NOT a choice but a necessity. The irresponsibility to NOT think of these things while you can is incomprehensible to me.
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| Posted 4/30/13 4:00 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by jambalady
Listen, I think you have every right to have a conversation with them and it is the responsible thing to do.
What I would strongly caution against is how you decide to bring up the topic.
While you may have the best intentions for both your kids and theirs, all of your posts are coming off extremely cold and selfish.
What giomia and others are saying is that for many people, when they are thinking about the unthinkable situation of both parents passing away, the first thing you want to ensure is that they will be with people who will love and take care of them no matter what, unconditionally, with no reservation or hesitation.
The thought of money should never come into mind.
Just understand that train of thought when you bring up the discussion. Don't lecture about how irresponsible they are.
Say you are honored and that you will love them unconditionally and then ASK them how they would ideally like to see them raised. What kind of college do you see them going to and then gently volunteer how you have planned for your kids security.
You should approach it as how you can best serve the best interest of your niece and nephew and NOT the burden it will be on you and how it is taking away from your existing family.
What you are saying now is "poor me" and not "what can I do to help then". Or at least that is the tone you are giving off.
What you call cold and heartless, I call practical and responsible. I have also said 400 times, RIGHT NOW, it ISNT about helping my niece or nephew or how they would feel if their parents DIED, bc THEY ARE NOT DEAD. It is about taking the responsible steps NOW god forbid anything SHOULD ever happen in the future. And sorry if wanting a good life and being able to provide for my children is considered selfish. If thats what it means to be selfish, then so be it.
Message edited 4/30/2013 4:04:39 PM.
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| Posted 4/30/13 4:03 PM |
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jambalady
Is it summer yet?
Member since 8/06 7392 total posts
Name:
Holly
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by Sash
Without a doubt i would take my sisters kids in regardless of money. And I will have to make it work. However, because we are well aware of sudden deaths and how it can impact everyone around you, we both do have Life Insurance etc. I totally relate to everyone who said, I wouldnt be thinking about it and would take the kids in regardless. my mother died unexpectedly and I know how it feels to be orphaned as a child. It is a major reason why I decided to take in my son even though I had originally planned to be Childless cpl.
I do agree that everyone should be prepared and have life insurance. And i do not think it is wrong to sit and talk with your SIL and voice your concerns. This is the well being of her children, maybe she really isnt thinking about it in detail. There are many people who dont actually plan life after their own death or arent comfortable. My sister and I always casually say stuff like that. You will get my kids if I die. So definitely talk with SIL or have your DH have the conversation. But the conversation definitely needs to happen.
Lastly, I agree with the others that your post appeared to have an underlying tone. That is how i read it. It seemed like although you would take them in, it may not be something you will be able to handle or would want to do. Ofcourse this is perception and I could be wrong. However, if this is how you feel, than I would have a conversation and have them choose other guardians. The last thing those children & your family would need is to be in a stressful environment. A decision like this can break a family up.. so I strongly recommend that anyone who is going to agree to be a guardian, that they have clearly thought it out thoroughly and both spouses are on the same page.
Now this may not be how you feel at all but if it is or anyone in this situation, then I think its ok to say I will be there for your kids but I will not be able to take care of them full time and it isnt in the kids best interest. And yes this may cause controversy or some tension now, but I think in the long run it is best to think what would be best for the kids. I also wholeheartedly believe that this does not mean you do not love your nieces/nephew or there isnt some strong bond.
Again if this is NOT how you feel and it just about the SIL catching you off guard and not having anything prepared for her children, then i think the only advice I can give is to sit down and have a conversation with them. GL, it is definitely a big decision that people take lightly because they dont think it could happen.
ITA!
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| Posted 4/30/13 4:03 PM |
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Sash
Peace
Member since 6/08 10314 total posts
Name:
fka LIW Smara
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by Janice
This was a what would you do question in OP.
Answers are mixed.
I would not bring it up.
They should have insurance. A lot of people do not. I cannot spend other people's money for them no matter how hard I have tried.
For a what would you do...I am telling you what I did. I have 12 kids willed to me...I never discussed finances. I really never thought of it.
This is me too. Idk maybe its because I am Hispanic and a lot of my family does not have Life insurance. The way it has worked in my family, is someone dies young or unexpectedly.. everyone gets together to pay for the funeral. Then we collectively decide who gets the kids if there is any because the deceased did not plan it. This is what happened with me and several other cousins when our parents passed away.
Thankfully, for the most part with my generation of cousins, we are more prepared/responsible than our parents were.
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| Posted 4/30/13 4:07 PM |
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