if you had a traumatic birth experience...

what did you do to get over it and heal??

i was hospitalized with pre-eclampsia at 32w4d and was hoping to make it to 36w. after four days in the hospital where i felt great, i ended up developing HELLP syndrome and i had an emergency CS under general anesthesia at 33w1d. it took a long time and IVF for me to get pregnant and i was really enjoying pregnancy i was not at all ready to give birth. i was hoping to attempt a natural birth although i didn't have my heart set on it. they were going to induce me and let me try a vaginal delivery, but she was breech so we had to go CS. during the CS i lost a lot of blood due to both a clot and the placenta growing into the uterine wall. i was scarily close to needing a hysterectomy. after the surgery i needed 4 bags of blood, one of platelets, 24 hours of magnesium, and a morphine pump. i didn't meet my baby until she was almost 48 hours old. this was the first time in my life i was ever in the hospital for anything.

i feel really traumatized by the whole thing. i was treated fine by the doctors and nurses but i feel like the whole experience has left me fragile and scarred. i just was not mentally ready to have my baby, and i although she is here and i love her so much i feel so much guilt over not being able to carry her to term so she wouldn't have to be in the NICU. i feel like my body failed her. she is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen in my life, but i wish i could put her back in me for a few more weeks.

i know its probably normal to have all of these feelings given the circumstances. i just dont know how to go about accepting it and putting it behind me. i dont know if i need to talk to a professional or how to work through it on my own. im only 9 days post partum and i dont expect acceptance to be quick, i just feel like i dont even know where to start.

anyone else have a really traumatic experience with the birth of their first??

Re: if you had a traumatic birth experience...

I think time will help it pass....you should talk to someone though it will help, maybe you have a touch of PPD???

Re: if you had a traumatic birth experience...

I had a very horrible birth experience, you can read my birth story, it's mostly in there. This happened January of last year. I swore I would never ever ever get pregnant again and take the chance. Well after awhile it starts to pass and you start to think about it again. About 5 months ago I started to get the itch again and I actually felt ready to maybe do it all again. Long story short, I can't have anymore children, well I can but I shouldn't but if I was given the go ahead, I would have done it again. It's all very fresh for you, give it time, the feelings and fears will start to ease but give it some time. Don't stress it right now, no need to. You will see that after some time you will be ok. FM me if you want to talk.

Re: if you had a traumatic birth experience...

Reading your post took me back to where you are...trust me it will all seem like a distant and scary memory that produced the biggest love of your life

I too had a wonderful pregnancy, no complications at all. Around 37 weeks my DD stopped moving mostly all day. They hooked me up to a fetal monitor a few days in a row and said she was a "lazy baby". Around the same time I started swelling a ton, they said "normal". A day or so later I was sick. I ached. I felt like an organ hurt was all I could describe.

After hours of convincing STBX and doc it was not gas pains, I headed to the ER. They ran blood did a few sonos of my organs and said it was gas.

The next morning while checking out the doc on duty decided to look over my blood before I checked out and noticed the resident missed a whole page. My platelets were dangerously low, I too had HELLP syndrome.

Immediately I was wisked into the ER (thankfully further along I was 38w 6d). I was put under general anesthesia and didn't know for hours later if I had a boy or girl.

I was on magnesium for 3 days which was absolute hell. I saw one eye on everyone. I couldn't focus, couldn't nurse couldn't sleep I was a disaster.

Almost 34 months later I try not to remember the birth, but the life my daughter lives every day. She and I almost didn't make it. My levels were so low if the doc didn't catch it we both wouldn't be here.

I thank god everyday she looked at the chart one last time before I headed out.

If you ever want to FM me, please do, I know what you are going through.

We have to be lucky they caught it, HELLP is a very scary thing and we are lucky our DC made it through it

Message edited 5/23/2011 9:56:35 PM.

Re: if you had a traumatic birth experience...

Flowerwife! I remember you from the TTC board! I am so happy for you... congratulations! I am sorry to hear about everything you have been through. You have been through so much but you have finally hit the light at the end of the tunnel! You have your beautiful baby to enjoy... you have not failed her. You have given her LIFE!!! You have done everything right! Everything is so new and unexpected right now. You can't blame yourself for feeling the way you do... you have been through a lot! I promise you it will get better... you are still healing and getting used to this new life. Everything is so surreal the first month! DS is 9 months now and I still feel like I am in some strange dream. You have a great support group here... I have gotten such wonderful advice from these ladies. If you have any questions or just need to vent... we have all been there! I would definitely mention your feelings to your doctor at your next visit though (or call if you feel you need to). Best wishes to you and your new family! Feel well and take care!!!

Re: if you had a traumatic birth experience...

Although my birth story isn't as traumatic as yours it def did not go as I planned. I developed preeclampsia and had to have a emergency c section under general anesthesia at 33 weeks 6 days. I was on magnesium for 24 hours following their birth and then developed fevers so I was not able to see the babies until day 4. I was so angry at everyone who came to visit...that they got to see my babies before me. Every time I thought about the experience I became so angry and upset. I dreamed of giving birth or at least being awake for the csection for my entire life and I missed the entire thing. I also felt like I "failed" at being pregnant.

Now 4 months later I am watching friends of mine continue to struggle with infertility and loss and it has put things into perspective for me. I am so lucky to have 2 beautiful babies and it doesn't matter how they came into this world...all that matters is that they are healthy and I thank g0d everyday for them.

Hang in there you will feel better!

Re: if you had a traumatic birth experience...

I had a traumatic birth experience, a lot of things went wrong and then a sick baby..... It took me nearly a year to get over it and I still have issues. The thought of getting pregnant and having another child for me is very difficult right now because of it. I saw a therapist who dealt with traumatic births here in CT. Ask your OB for a recommendation. It was really important for me to talk about this with someone that had an idea of what I went through. I was sick of people telling me that I had a beautiful daughter, put it all behind me and get over it... it wasn't that easy! The therapy and time helped. Its been over 2 years and its much better but I'm still not completely over it....

Re: if you had a traumatic birth experience...

Mine wasn't as traumatic as yours, but as traumatic as things ever go for me, it was pretty serious.

I kind of forgot about it a few weeks later, and while a year later, I remember it was traumatic, I have a hard time remembering why.

Your baby will help you forget

Re: if you had a traumatic birth experience...

I definitely did....It is nearly three and a half years later and it still greatly affects me. I had a horrible experience, horrible pregnancy, just awful and then had a c-section with major complications during...it put me at a great risk and unfortunately for me, I remember most of it very vividly happening. I thought I was going to die....literally.

It was hard to deal with for quite a while and I don't think I felt like myself for close to two years afterwards but my DS is everytihng to me and was sooo worth every second, however, the nightmare experience I had is the main reason I have not had a second. I am completely terrified of having another experience like that. I don't let my mind go there too much anymore but remembering that experience is sadly one of the scariest times of my life....I am older so my clock is LOUDLY ticking and my window is getting slimmer and slimmer by the day but even knowing what I do I am still very much thinking about trying for a second......

Re: if you had a traumatic birth experience...

No experience but many hugs.

Re: if you had a traumatic birth experience...

I had a traumatic experience with the birth of my first DS 3 years ago. Thankfully DS was fine, but I nearly died post delivery due to a hospital error. Afterwards, I had pretty bad PPD. I don't know if it was the result of the birth, but it was hard and I kept reliving the experience in my head. Hospitals are emotional triggers for me, due to having 6 operations as a small child.

I ended up going to a therapist. Just talking to her for 3 sessions worked wonders. She indicated that many women suffer PTSD from a traumatic birth. It is hard because many dismiss it due to the fact that you have a wonderful baby as a result. I found this article enlightening.

http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2010/02/17/ptsd_in_childbirth/index.html

Hugs to you- it will get better..

Re: if you had a traumatic birth experience...

I had absolutely HORRID birth experience and to be honest, im still not over it and am still harboring negative feelings towards it. Mine was hosital error and doctor error that almost ended very badly for me all because the hospital didn't sterilize their instruments properly before my c-section and i ended up with a severe staph infection in my uterus, blood and lungs along with pnuemonia and post partum congestive heart failure, i had to be hospitalized for a week, half of that in ICU and missed the first 2 weeks of my DD's life and left me unable to breastfeed because the IV antibiotics they gave me were so potent, it killed the amazing supply that i had. The doctor never apologize, i later found out that OB (the on call one since my doc was on vacation) was sleeping with the OR nurse, WHOM of course i had in there as well and the OB was in the process of leaving his wife of 20+ years and movein with her. I have no idea of that had anything to do with it but it still . I am scared to death of having this baby, i swore i WOULD NOT have another c-section but of course i have placenta previa so i HAVE to have one, i have an appointment bext wednesday and i plan on discussing fully the c-section and what will be done to insure that does not happen again. I do not want to be attached to an IV pole the first month os my DC'd life at home like i was with DD, she was up every 2 hours to feed and i was up every 4 to do my IV treatment, it's was un-nerving. It's all in my birth story on my profile. I do plan on telling my OB his on call doc is NOT to touch me OR my baby.

Im so sorry you have to deal with this, i would recommend a counselor for sure. They put me on PPD medication because i was so upset about my birth experience, didn't help much though. Def talk to someone!

Message edited 5/24/2011 8:23:18 AM.