Really Stupid, Shallow Question.

Do you ever worry about your child being considered unattractive when they are older? Not unattractive to YOU - but to their contemporaries? That when they are 16 and all their friends have dates for the junior prom they will be sitting home moping around? That when the other kids are hanging out at the beach with their sunkissed skin and shiny hair - your kid will be home watching tv with a pasty, pockmarked complexion and dark circles under their eyes?

I didn't.. until yesterday. I was talking to one of the mom's from my kid's school. She said something about the fact that she spent a lot of time putting her younger son in activities because she just 'knew' that he was going to be a 'Barton' like her own brother if she wasn't careful. She said because Noah was small for his age I should really consider doing the same. Basically her brother - as it turns out - was just a lonely, unpopular kid in high school. As an adult he hasn't fared much better - she said his short stature, receding hairline and 'unfortunate' nose have left him single and (presumably) a virgin at 45.

I've never met her brother so I couldn't tell you what he's like but I was a little horrified that she felt like she needed to take preventative measures to keep her son from meeting the same fate as her brother. I kind of told her it was ridiculous and that her kids - and mine - would be just fine. To which she answered "Not every kid turns out fine.. there are always Bartons in the world and at least one in every class."

Now.. part of me doesn't care. My kids are funny, smart, confident, outgoing, attractive and sweet. But I wonder if other people will see them like that. NOT other adults - but the kids their own age as they grow up. I want them to be happy and now this is one more worry I have.

I KNOW it's wrong. I teach my kids not to judge by looks or demeanor and I teach them that they have their own unique talents that make them special no matter what. But today I just feel like no matter how much I do there is always that possibility that they could still become these social outcasts and feel really lonely and unhappy. The idea makes me sad and sick.

Has anyone else given this even a moments thought or am I the only shallow freak out there?

ETA: I was not the most popular kid in HS - just your average jill. And I was completely happy with that. I don't really care if they are average in popularity or even well below the 'popular' bar that seems to be set arbitrarily by some random PTB. But I do care that they have friends and feel like they fit in SOMEWHERE.. does that make sense?

I don't know - it is stupid and not really about high school which is a breeding ground for insecurity anyway. Some of the best people I know were tortured in high school. But I guess I am worried about life in general.. I feel so confused about this issue at the moment.

Message edited 5/27/2009 7:41:12 AM.

Re: Really Stupid, Shallow Question.

First of all I don't think you are a shallow freak. We all want the best for our children and have seen how hard it can be to be the outcast in school. If you are unsure, read Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult.

Second, yes I have thought about it, maybe not to such an extent, but it has crossed my mind. All we can do is help our kids to be well rounded and confident. Confidence is one thing that can put any bully in their place. Truth is ALL kids will be picked on in school for something we need to give them the tools to know how to deal with it. And most importantly make darn sure its not my kid that's being a bully. That would crush me more than anything else. I will never be the not my kid parent....if my kid is a bully he will deal with me.

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You are not shallow at all.

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She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

I would want my children to have good values, and to learn to love themselves rather than worry about what other people think of their looks. Its a big bad world out there, and I think teaching them to be happy and proud of who they are is more important than teaching them about how important looks are.

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EWWW! This woman doesn't sound like she is playing with a full deck. It is fine if she wants to talk about her own brother and son, but to suggest that your son might have issues in the future is !

It is not shallow or stupid for you to be concerned for your son's future. She was just a bee buzzing in your ear, giving you something to worry about. I bet you that this will not be the last thing she will buzz about!

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I think she voiced what others might never admit.

Because it is true! Kids are cruel. Adults are cruel. People are shallow and it might take someone with an open mind to talk to people who might not "fit" the profile.

It's just that sometimes you just don't voice your concerns outloud!!!! You keep your mouth shut and do what you have to do for your kids to make sure they have an "easier" transition in life. So enrolling them in football to make them more "manly" is one of those things. I don't feel a mom should say such thing. You just don't say it!

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as a redhead, suzy...i would explain what a firecrotch is before puberty hits...I was very confused when first confronted with this term I waited like a week, then asked my mother what they were talking about. she almost fainted. that was my only red issue.

I don't know if I worry about his appearance more then the fact that I worry he is a loner personality and really bossy. So if a kid does make it into his inner play circle, he is going to get bossed around and be told what to do.

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I do think about this. I think it's normal to wonder what the future holds. And I don't blame your friend in a way, b/c the reality is people DO see the outside way before they even give the inside a chance.

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i do not think you are shallow. i have the same concerns.

my sister is in her mid-twenties and has only had one serious boyfriend. she is a pretty girl but has always struggled with her weight. she also has serious confidence issues.

however, she was involved in tons of activities when we were younger - including sports, which she was never very good at, but tried hard.

i truly believe that you cannot force a child to grow up to be a popular, well-liked kid. you can expose them to all sorts of experiences and activities but personality is really the deciding factor. some kids are just loners, and really, there is nothing wrong with that.

i wonder if "Barton" likes the way his life is, or if he hates his life, but chose not to do anything to improve it. big difference.

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ah, ignore that mom......

being socially well-adjusted has to do with personality, not looks. I knew kids in HS and earlier who were very good looking, but were considered 'ugly' becuase they were socially awkward. Also, many kids with tons of friends and dates were average looking but were socially well-adjusted.

I actually read a research study recently (can't remember where... but it was a british study) that followed kids from their infancy to their teens. The babies/toddlers who had their parents explain others emotions had more friends when they were older and were more socially well-adjusted than the kids who never received these explanations

(ex. "don't take Mike's toy away... that makes him sad" vs. "stop taking his toy")

Don't know how much this should be believed, but I'm going to explain to DS that Oma is happy, and the boy in the story is mad.... can't hurt.

Message edited 5/27/2009 10:43:06 AM.

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I'm worried & I'm not worried.

I don't want my kids to be the ones that kids tease. I don't think any of us do. I agree that she's saying what everyone else is fearing. I see my son can be more of a loner than I'd like.

I do think getting your child interested in activities is a great idea to forge friendships - but I wouldn't be obsessive about it.

I think she is looking at her brother's physical traits as a reason for his misery when really it was his personality that ws the downfall. If he's so busy being miserable about being short, having acne or being unpopular, she's right he's not going to make friends. I know plenty of people who shaped their lives about how unpopular or popular they were in school. I always thought it was a shame how much that plays a role. It's about personality not about looks.

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ive thought about it... but i think that dh and I remember what it was like growing up, and can try and apply that to our kids... we both had friends, but not the popular group growing up and it was ok.

i disagree with that lady saying physical traits are the reason. Dh had acne durring high school, but he played baseball and he still had friends.

A kids self confidence will have impact, and as parents we can help try and boost it for them to believe in themselves, then they'll have confidence to make friends with similar interests.

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I feel like I can relate to this mother but on a different level. I'm thinking that she feels that he wasn't as fortunate as most guys his age then and now. He didn't compare. SHe is fearful that her son will be like him so her mission in life is to NOT make him anything like his uncle. I understand where she is coming from.
She can't change her bothers looks or her sons but she can try her best to shape and mold her sons character. It may or may not work. She will have to love her son no matter how he turns out.
I never had a decent relationship with my dad or my brother. My brother is 6 years older than me and although I love him, we aren't close. I was subjected with a lot of his bs growing up. I NEVER wanted a son b/c I feared him turning out like my brother. This is why I understand where she is coming from. My brother happens to be decent looking and talented but he has issues I won't mention. In any case, I will try my hardest and pray my hardest that if I have a son he'll be nothing like him.

As far as my DD's....I do think a lot about that stuff. I am going through it with my oldest. She is very well known and liked in her school b/c of her happy go lucky personality but she doesn't have many friends. She has friends but not a lot. She is heavier than most girls and her skin is darker than her peers. I don't want her to be miss popularity, I want her to be happy just like she is now. I just pray that she will remain this way b/c lord knows that it gets harder as the years go on.

With my other 2 Dd's- 1 has thin genes and the other has my horrible "fat" genes. Since they are different I'm so afraid there will be some serious issues with jealousy.

All I can do is my best and pray my hardest.

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I am a little horrified that she told you that you should do this for your son. If she wants to voice her own concerns for her son, that's one thing. I can be a sympathetic listener. I don't know how kind I would be when she suggested that my son might also become a "Barton" and I should do something about it.

I used to teach high school and IMO, popularity is about a lot more than looks. Things are definitely easier in some respects for beautiful kids, but the kids who were the real leaders and the most popular were not always the best looking ones. I think it has a lot more to do with personality, how they get along with others and the self confidence they have. In my experience, the kids who were really unpopular, or didn't fit in at all had big problems in their home and personal lives. I think if a parent can provide a loving, supportive home life for a child, it goes a lot further than pushing the child into tons of activities they may or may not want to do.

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I don't think you are shallow. As someone who stuck out for looking different, I know what it feels like to be singled out. I was always clean and neat, had nice clothes and friends, but I was overweight and not terribly popular as a result.

If I teach Abigail anything about looks, it will be about taking pride in her appearance. I will expect her to bathe regularly, keep her hair neat and to wear clean clothes whenever she can.

I never thought that I would have such a beautiful daughter. But I am realistic. I was NOT a beautiful baby or a good looking teenager. I went through some VERY awkward times when it came to looks and styles and got picked on for it. I got better looking with age and even still, do not always feel "pretty enough." It is very possible that Abby and any other children I may have will go through those times too like any other kid. I just hope I am able to instill confidence in her that she can overcome any obstacle.

BTW, one of my students looked at her picture and said she should be one of America's Next Top Models. That was good for a chuckle!

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Not stupid at all. I had to wear glasses from a very early age, and some kids are just plain mean.

I don't think as far ahead as the teen years for DS, but I do hope he doesn't get picked on, though I know he will to some degree. My hope is that we raise him with enough self confidence so this stuff rolls off his back for the most part. I also hope he doesn't pick on other kids.

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I must admit that I do worry about these things. Children can be mean and teenagers can be cruel. I do not think that anyone wants their child to be the object of ridicule, unfortunately, someone's child will be.

I will teach my kids to never be mean to anyone and to be compassionate towards others. In addition while I cannot ensure that my kids will be a certain way - I will make an effort to enroll them in activities so that they learn how to socialize and be part of a team.

I don't need my kids to be prom queen but I want them to have friends and be happy. I often wonder about teenagers who are outcasts and many of them come from seemingly normal families with normal siblings...