vent...x related...long and exhausting

how...how can a mother be such a wench to her child? i don't understand. ughhhhh

background:

my stepson has stated for about 2 yrs that he wants to live w/us, he finally has had enough of his mom galavanting till all hours, never being home w/him and the like. so last weekend, he sat his mom down (he's almost 9 mind you) and he explained that he thinks he'd be happier at his dad's house to switch the living arrangement so that he will see her on the weekends and spend the weeks with us. he told her that since she works nights and some weekends, that he doesn't really see her and that since his daddy works weekdays, he'd have more time with at least one of his parents.

she tells him no - too young to make that decision. during the week, she left him in the house alone for 3 hours on 2 separate days...so he's not old enough to decide where he wants to live, yet he is old enough to take care of himself in a house where the garage door doesn't lock (just found this out today)...

anyway, my stepson calls her today to tell her that he forgot his phone at our house (yes he has a cell b/c he's often at other people's houses during the week and she was tired of my dh calling to speak to him) well, she doesn't answer and he leaves a message telling her to call dh's phone if she needs to reach him and that he'd see her later.

all day - not 1 phone call...ok...so we go to drop him off at the house at 6...no one's there. call her phone- straight to voicemail...call again, mailbox full. head back home (1.5 hour ride to our house from her house)

she calls as we exit the highway to say, "oh, my phone is dead" then she said she'll come to us to pick him up..ok, no biggie...fast forward 1 hour and she calls to say that she's had a few drinks and doesn't want to risk getting pulled over...HELLO, risk getting pulled over? how about risk killing someone???? so then she said she'll pick him up in the morning at 6:00.

UGH it infuriates me (and by now I should just give up hoping that she'll ever change) but it infuriates me how she can be so ignorant to her son's feelings. gee, i wonder how she'd feel if she knew her mother didn't try to contact her all day and then spent too much time partying to bother to pick her up...

yet after all this, she still thinks he's better off with her. unfortunately, the courts down here tend to side with the woman, as per the lawyers we've contacted. so basically if he doesn't have any broken bones, it's ok.

how can a mother not care about the food she puts into her child's body? (ALWAYS fast food - never a home cooked meal, ever)
how can a mother care more about her clothes looking right and her son's clothes are too short or too tight?
how can a mother leave her son for hours on end, by himself in his house without a care or concern regarding who might be in the neighborhood that day?

i just don't understand. during the past 5 years she has done some crazy s#!$, but i'm just fed up. this boy has the chance to live with his father who adores the heck out of him, a family where both parents are home no later than 5, a younger brother to play with, a home cooked meal at least 6 nights a week and yet she doesn't see the logic as to why he'd rather live with us, and see her when she has time for him every other weekend.

it's just not fair...

the look of disappointment on his face when we pulled up and there was no car in the driveway, no note on the door and no car in the garage (he pulled open the unlocked garage door) is just too much. he shouldn't have to face this many disappointments in his life, certainly not by nearly 9. it's just not right




k, thanks for letting me vent...

Re: vent...x related...long and exhausting

Wow. I don't even know what to say. Do courts allow 9 year olds decide where they want to live?

Re: vent...x related...long and exhausting

I think it's time for your DH to pay a little visit to the courts & have a hearing on this issue. If they were to hear all of this mess, wouldn't he be granted primary custody? The poor kid! Obviously his mother has more important things going on. I mean, what's more important than your child????

Re: vent...x related...long and exhausting

First off, I'm so sorry that you have to witness your stepson's heartbreak. As a teacher in Queens, I see negligent parents all the time and it is the most disgusting thing in the world. Some people don't realize how luck they are.

In regards to her leaving her son for hours on end home alone... can't she get into trouble with the law? I probably should know more about the laws on this, but I know that in CT, where I grew up, a child had to be at least 10 years old to be left home alone during the day. Maybe you should ask your lawyers about that. I don't think any judge would grant full custody to a woman who leaves her child home alone against the law.

After all of that and the unlocked garage door and "dead" cell phone, I would be fed up, too. Sorry again.

Re: vent...x related...long and exhausting

thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and post advice n hugs. we were originally told by 1st lawyer that he'd have to be 12 for the courts to take him seriously. after some research on our part, we found out that there isn't a specified age but the lawyer was probably going off of his experiences.

we had child services look into the situation when she was basically homeless a few years back and living w/a boyfriend and friends - the then boyfriend lied for her and the case went no where

her dad's into politics down here and knows a lot of judges which s ucks for us. the south is also the good ol'boy system and many true southerners don't look favorably upon "yankees"

we told him we'll do what we can for him and we won't give up...it just doesn't seem as though anything will happen anytime soon without her consent...i think that's b.s


thanks again for the

Re: vent...x related...long and exhausting

I am a firm believer that you MUST protect your child..so if this child needs you and your DH then you should go to a lawyer and get your child custody arrangement changed.
Keep records of EVERYTHING/. Video tape or photo when she is not there. Record how often she leaves her son alone- what times, how long. Everything.
Proof goes a very long way. She probably does not want to lose the child support. I know my Aunt's husband had a similar situation. They agreed to pay the support even though his daughter would not longer live with the mother. that is when the mother easily agreed.
Wrong but it worked.
This child deserves a parent to be home with him and not left alone. He also deserves to be in a safe home..and honestly a women who NEEDED a few drinks before she could pick up her child has a lot of issues.

I hate to see a child so desperately need their mom to step-up..but many times they just don't.

Re: vent...x related...long and exhausting

Wow what a beauty she sounds like

I would keep pushing the courts and document every incident. Like today write it down in a notebook...how many times you called when what she said etc. Maybe if you present the courts with documented occurences like this they will decide to take further action.

Re: vent...x related...long and exhausting

Posted by jacquig

Wow what a beauty she sounds like

I would keep pushing the courts and document every incident. Like today write it down in a notebook...how many times you called when what she said etc. Maybe if you present the courts with documented occurences like this they will decide to take further action.

Re: vent...x related...long and exhausting

It will not be an easy road and it will not be cheap,but please do what you can for him. Do not get frustrated that the courts don't just place a kid where they say they want to go. Not every kid will say they want to go with the more responsible parent. As for the old boy network, as a lawyer I see that it exists just about everywhere, but fight as much as you can.

Re: vent...x related...long and exhausting

How frustrating and sad!

Document everything you can. It will be a long battle you may never win but don't think your step-son will ever forget or fight for himself too.

Re: vent...x related...long and exhausting

thank you ladies... we get him for the summer and during that time we're going to go to a lawyer in ny and see what we can do. she needs to get her life together but it doesnt seem likely. she once mentioned to me that she and her adopted mom disagree on raising kids, her adopted mom feels as though your life should change when you have a child and she (the x) didn't agree with that....hello, life does change and for the most part, the child is the center of your universe....what is wrong with her!!!!

well, i don't want to ruin a perfectly good morning. bad enough i had to see her at 7:00 when she came to pick him up-now he has an 1.5 ride to school instead of the usual 10 mins.

thanks again!!!!