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How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

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TwinMommyToBoys
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Member since 12/16

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How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

How can I support my husband? He’s angry and irritable most of the time and a nasty towards me and saying I’m not being understanding because I asked him when he’s coming home... I’m working full time and taking care of the house and our kids, and the kids keep asking where their dad is and I’ve had it. I understand he’s devastated that his mother was just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer but he can’t live there and forget about us to be with his mom 24/7. He’s completely neglecting any responsibility for the kids. I took a day off work work tomorrow because he bitched he can’t see his mother and this is some how my fault, I have to work Saturdays, that is my schedule, nothing I can do about it. I’ve had it and I’m ready to loose it, but I also know he’s going through a lot but I’m ready to crack.
His mom didn’t begin her treatments yet, we were supposed to be going away in 2 weeks and he’s refusing to go because then he’s useless for 5 days and we can’t get our money back..... I’m just so irritated and angry at his behavior, which to a degree I get he’s scared he’s not being rational but I also can’t take him anymore
Not to mention he’s blowing through money paying for stuff for his brother when it comes to seeing his mom, buying his dad dinners nightly, I’m really angry he’s not even considering me, saying he will just pay for whatever needs to be paid for... hello we have a house and 2 kids... plus bills....

Message edited 11/8/2019 8:44:39 PM.

Posted 11/8/19 8:33 PM
 
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StaceyWill
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Member since 6/10

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Stacey

How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Oooof. I know you're venting but you sound really insensitive. My mother had skin cancer and the doctors thought it was way worse than it actually ending up being (Thank God) and I was literally beside myself. We cancelled a vacation because I could not have a good time when my family was going through such turmoil.

My advice is just be there for him, forget about you for a while (I know it's hard), but this is his mom. She is the most important woman in his life and she may be leaving sooner than he expected.

I'll pray for all of you.

Posted 11/8/19 9:18 PM
 

olive98
LIF Adolescent

Member since 11/12

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How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Wow not sure how to say this but you sound very insensitive and selfish. This is his mother who may not be around for much longer

Posted 11/8/19 9:32 PM
 

ali120206
2 Boys

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15626 total posts

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How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

My father in law was really sick a few years ago - I understand. It’s hard to be the one holding down the fort at home AND getting yelled at for simple questions.

I wasn’t upset that DH wasn’t there as much as he was taking out all of his anger and frustration at me for stupid things that i didn’t do as they weren’t a priority.

Just be there for him. Don’t give him a hard time for not being around and cancelling your trip as he needs to be there right now.

Posted 11/8/19 10:13 PM
 

MrsG823
Just call me Mommy.

Member since 1/11

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Samantha

How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

The best way to support your husband is to give him some space. Learning a parent has cancer is devastating- stage 4 no less. This is a time to take a deep breath, keep your opinions to yourself and take over the responsibilities of your home and children. Your husband cannot cure his mom but he can buy his father dinner. There are times in life you need to set aside budgets and indulge in small comforts.
Try to set up other child care arrangements and give yourself a break. As for your vacation plans it sounds like it would be prudent to reschedule for a later date.
I am hoping your anger and selfishness is your way of coping with this terrible situation.

Posted 11/8/19 10:21 PM
 

Chai77
Embarrassed to be an American

Member since 4/07

7280 total posts

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Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

His mother has stage four cancer. You just have to suck up and deal. You can hire help with the kids and house for now. But I would not be angry with DH. Are you really surprised he doesn’t want to go away and that he wants to be with his mother 24/7 now?

Posted 11/8/19 10:27 PM
 

LuckyStar
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Member since 7/14

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How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Most people tend to take their stressors out on the people closest to them- and you would be that person for your DH. I think you need to pick your battles. He’s understandably anxious, however, that doesn’t mean he should be snapping at you every time you ask a question. I’d say give him space and speak with his mother’s social worker about coping strategies and resources for the family.

You’re stressed, too. You get to worry about your MIL and your DH and your kids. That’s a lot of worrying. You’re also allowed to vent. Hang in there.

Message edited 11/8/2019 10:39:55 PM.

Posted 11/8/19 10:39 PM
 

loveus
LIF Adolescent

Member since 9/13

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How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Sent you a pm.

Posted 11/8/19 10:43 PM
 

LuckyStar
LIF Adult

Member since 7/14

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Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Posted by StaceyWill

She is the most important woman in his life and she may be leaving sooner than he expected.




While I agree that his mother needs a large portion of his attention right now and OP may temporarily be second in terms of immediate priority, a married man’s mother should not be the most important woman in his life. Ever.

So, IMO, yes he needs to devote a lot of time to his mom at the moment, but his wife and kids still hold the “most important” title.

Posted 11/8/19 10:53 PM
 

NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..

Member since 11/09

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..being a mommy and being a wife!

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Posted by LuckyStar

Posted by StaceyWill

She is the most important woman in his life and she may be leaving sooner than he expected.




While I agree that his mother needs a large portion of his attention right now and OP may temporarily be second in terms of immediate priority, a married man’s mother should not be the most important woman in his life. Ever.

So, IMO, yes he needs to devote a lot of time to his mom at the moment, but his wife and kids still hold the “most important” title.



Yes that statement took me aback as well. (Putting the current situation and illness aside that is...)
As a married woman, is your father the most important man in your life? Or is it your husband now?

Posted 11/8/19 11:07 PM
 

SLPRunner
LIF Adult

Member since 12/13

967 total posts

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How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I went through this recently with my mom. My mom died recently of stage 4 lung cancer. It was really rough on me since August. I also was and still am angry and irritable s lot of them. And fortunately my DH has taken a lot of it. This is not an easy time for your husband. My DH would give me my space but I had to learn to communicate better with him. It was okay if I was going to be at the hospital all day but I couldn’t like fall of the face of the Earth and ignore everything at home (I kinda did that the week after she died. I went up to her house every day for a week to clean stuff up). My DH was insensitive to me at times but looking back I think we were both stressed. The money thing came up too because my mom had none and my sister who lived with my mom has limited financial means. So I paid for things insurance didn’t cover, funeral expenses, legal fees. My DH understands it has to be done but he’s not happy and it continues to be a sore spot between us.

Posted 11/8/19 11:17 PM
 

StaceyWill
It's a girl!!!

Member since 6/10

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Stacey

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Posted by LuckyStar

Posted by StaceyWill

She is the most important woman in his life and she may be leaving sooner than he expected.




While I agree that his mother needs a large portion of his attention right now and OP may temporarily be second in terms of immediate priority, a married man’s mother should not be the most important woman in his life. Ever.

So, IMO, yes he needs to devote a lot of time to his mom at the moment, but his wife and kids still hold the “most important” title.



Yeah. I guess I should've said "one of the most"...

Posted 11/8/19 11:27 PM
 

LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!

Member since 5/05

18709 total posts

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L

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I recall your post from last week. Look your husband is obviously upset and he does need to be there. You need to step up things at home. Maybe take your kids on vacation yourself and ask your parent to come with you. You need to pull up and take a lot of your husband's slack. This is what is meant by for better and for worse.

Posted 11/8/19 11:28 PM
 

gina409
TWINS!

Member since 12/09

27635 total posts

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g

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I don’t mean to be harsh

Suck it up. It’s hard. And I’m sure you are worn thin

It’s still not as hard as watching your parent sick and god forbid die

Stage 4 is not stage 1.

You need help ask for it Friend. Hire mothers helper etc

Let him be with his mom.


What would your reaction be if this was the other way around

Posted 11/8/19 11:42 PM
 

Mrs213
Up your butt with a coconut!

Member since 2/09

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How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Sorry but you have to just roll with it. His mother is possibly dying. Let him ***** and moan. Let him be angry. Support him by just being there when things go downhill. Don’t worry about the house being a wreck. Explain to the boys their grandmother is sick and dad is helping take care of her. Let him have this time with his mom, she may not be here much longer. I’m sorry your family is dealing with this. Just hang in there...

Posted 11/9/19 7:00 AM
 

Dolphinsbaby
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Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I’m sorry. It’s a tough spot for all. All I can say is this too shall pass. I’m sure he is realizing his time is short with his mom right now and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about $. You can always make more $ (I know, I know- this is not that easy), but he won’t always have this time with his mom/family.

Just wondering, did they say how long they gave her? You need time for yourself too, but unfortunately you can’t lean on him right now. Just try to buck up and seek out help from others for now. It won’t always be like this.

My mom suddenly passed away when my twins were 8 months old. I know it’s a different situation. But I basically fell off the face of the earth for about a week and then I was useless for awhile after that. My dad was useless and didn’t know how to plan/do anything and my sister lives far and came home for the funeral and pretty much said it was too tough to deal with it and left right after. I had a lot of resentment and anger toward everyone (including mom) and my poor DH got the brunt of it. I would go from screaming to crying in a second. DH was wonderful and let me process it all. We got through it and I’m not gonna lie it was a pretty rocky time in our marriage. Just be there for him.

Message edited 11/9/2019 12:25:46 PM.

Posted 11/9/19 7:27 AM
 

Hofstra26
Take Me To Disney!

Member since 7/06

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Kristen

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Posted by NervousNell

Posted by LuckyStar

Posted by StaceyWill

She is the most important woman in his life and she may be leaving sooner than he expected.




While I agree that his mother needs a large portion of his attention right now and OP may temporarily be second in terms of immediate priority, a married man’s mother should not be the most important woman in his life. Ever.

So, IMO, yes he needs to devote a lot of time to his mom at the moment, but his wife and kids still hold the “most important” title.



Yes that statement took me aback as well. (Putting the current situation and illness aside that is...)
As a married woman, is your father the most important man in your life? Or is it your husband now?



Agree with the above 100%. DH's mom is in NO way the most important woman in his life and my dad is NOT the most important man in mine. As a married couple, you are each others number 1, NO question. JMO.

Back to the topic at hand, my DH's dad died last year of pancreatic cancer, it was a stress on all but the best thing you can do is be there for your DH. Some days will be better than others, but you'll get through it. Even if he's grumpy and taking his upset and anger out on you it's not intentional, you're just the closest one to him.

Unfortunately, your regular day to day will be disrupted right now, it's just the way it goes in times like these. That being said, it probably isn't the best time to take a vacation anyway so I think you need to let that go. Realistically, even if you got him to go it would be a miserable time because mentally, he'd be checked out. Pick your battles. This is one I think you won't win. Sorry.

It all comes down to this. Be there for him, listen and give him extra love. That is your job right now. Period. I get that you're frustrated (maybe angry too) but marriage isn't always fun and happiness. Sometimes, you will have to deal with stress, sadness and even death and right now it's YOUR turn to show what a great, loving, caring spouse you can be. Don't make this about you, it's not. This too shall pass.

Hang in there, love him and you will get through this. Thoughts and prayers for his mom and your family.Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 11/9/19 8:33 AM
 

PhyllisNJoe
My Box Is Broken

Member since 6/11

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Phyllis

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

You’ve gotten good advice from everyone and I agree with picking your battles and letting him be. He’s under an extreme amount of emotional stress right now and any little thing/question you ask that does not pertain to this very important situation at hand will be answered in a not so nice way. It sounds like he is consumed with his mother’s illness and helping his family at such a difficult time and you should maybe think of it as a really good quality in him. He’s stepping up for them in their time of need. Just back him up.

If you won’t get $ back for cancelling your vacation, see if someone wants to go with you. It’s spent money anyway and he may have more peace of mind not knowing your home waiting for him to hurry up and get back. He can spend some time with his family and you get away for a bit

Posted 11/9/19 8:47 AM
 

OhBoyorGirl
LIF Adult

Member since 2/12

1735 total posts

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Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

My own mom is battling stage 4 cancer now. It is extremely difficult to balance wanting to be there for her, and caring for my own family. I don’t think you’re being selfish- raising a young family and managing a household is hard work, and when you’re down a team player/ it takes a toll! My mom’s legacy will be that she always put her children first, and I know that at home taking care of my children is where she’d prefer me to be most days, and I take comfort in that. That being said, my husband has been very supportive as far as me running out shortly after he gets home from work in the evenings, sacrificing weekend family time so that either just me or all of us can go visit, and luckily if anything major comes up during the week his job has been great about him leaving to come take care of our kids so I can run up to be with my mom. The past few months have been a complete rollercoaster and things can change at any given moment. There is no way I would want to go on a vacation right now, and I am grateful that my husband would be understanding of that. I couldn’t be far from my mom- because “what if”, so I do think you need to be understanding of that.

Have either your father in law or your husband considered therapy to help them navigate through all of this?

Prayers for your family.

Posted 11/9/19 9:21 AM
 

SecretlyTTC14
LIF Adult

Member since 12/13

1583 total posts

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B

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I completely understand. FIL was diagnosed with cancer and we had a new baby at the time. DH spent days and nights at the hospital for months. I understand it's his parent, but he cannot just forget his responsibility to his own children. That's life. It sucks. I've lost grandparents, a parent, a sibling, a close cousin and a best friend all in the past few years. I would have loved to drop everything to deal with it how I wanted. We don't have the luxury when you have kids that need to be taken care of and bills that need to be paid. Which sounds insensitive but that's life. It sucks. He needs to help a little. You don't throw away everything because a loved one is sick.

For everyone saying it's insensitive, what happens if the mortgage doesn't get paid? The utilities are shut off? What then? You can't just neglect responsibility and blow through money because you're going through a hard time. You can't put the pressure of every single thing on the other spouse and expect them to be ok for weeks/months on end.

OP I really feel for you. I've been there and it's awful. Just keep going. I know it's hard but you will get through it. I would try to take the vacation by yourself with the kids and bring a friend or relative of yours. Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 11/9/19 10:00 AM
 

RainyDay
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Member since 6/15

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Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Posted by SecretlyTTC14

I'm sorry you're going through this. I completely understand. FIL was diagnosed with cancer and we had a new baby at the time. DH spent days and nights at the hospital for months. I understand it's his parent, but he cannot just forget his responsibility to his own children. That's life. It sucks. I've lost grandparents, a parent, a sibling, a close cousin and a best friend all in the past few years. I would have loved to drop everything to deal with it how I wanted. We don't have the luxury when you have kids that need to be taken care of and bills that need to be paid. Which sounds insensitive but that's life. It sucks. He needs to help a little. You don't throw away everything because a loved one is sick.

For everyone saying it's insensitive, what happens if the mortgage doesn't get paid? The utilities are shut off? What then? You can't just neglect responsibility and blow through money because you're going through a hard time. You can't put the pressure of every single thing on the other spouse and expect them to be ok for weeks/months on end.

OP I really feel for you. I've been there and it's awful. Just keep going. I know it's hard but you will get through it. I would try to take the vacation by yourself with the kids and bring a friend or relative of yours. Chat Icon Chat Icon




No one is saying he doesn't have to work and pay bills but if he needs her to step up to the plate and take over more of the responsibilities at home then that's what she should be doing so he can spend time with his mom. Skipping the vacation should be a non issue because he will be so preoccupied with what is going on with his mom.

Based on recent posts this is a pretty recent diagnosis, so he still needs time to process this and needs OP support. This is what marriage is about, for better or for worse. I have been in your husband's shoes both when my grandmother and my brother died. He stepped up to the plate, didnt question me being with my family all the time and took care of DD all on his own. I am not saying it was easy on him and I am thankful everyday for him not adding to the stress.

To OP, I feel for you because it can't be easy being on the other end. Try to be patient, he needs your support. Give him time to process what is going on.

Posted 11/9/19 11:04 AM
 

SecretlyTTC14
LIF Adult

Member since 12/13

1583 total posts

Name:
B

Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Posted by RainyDay

No one is saying he doesn't have to work and pay bills but if he needs her to step up to the plate and take over more of the responsibilities at home then that's what she should be doing so he can spend time with his mom. Skipping the vacation should be a non issue because he will be so preoccupied with what is going on with his mom.



From the OP it sounds like she has taken over more of the responsibilities... she's taken over all of them. That's not right. I've been on both sides of it and I would never leave 100% of everything on DH. I still took care of all my responsibilities when my own father died last year. He shouldn't be dumping 100% of everything on the OP. He cannot completely neglect the responsibilities that come along with having kids (which according to the OP, that's exactly what he's doing). That's not right no matter what. I'm not saying he has to go on like his parent isn't sick, but he can't continue to neglect everything. OP said she's ready to crack, that has to account for something. Why is he allowed to drop everything and leave her holding it all?

Posted 11/9/19 12:04 PM
 

olive98
LIF Adolescent

Member since 11/12

776 total posts

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Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?


His mother is dying. She needs to 100% pick up the slack. That's what a marriage is about. How can a vacation even be brought up??? He isnt dumping everything on her. He is in shock, grief, anxious etc
She needs to step it up and understand that it's not about her. I have been in this situation. I was practically a single mom for a while but you know what for better or worse. That's what you do. If a vacation or other petty things weren't brought up I would feel more sympathy for the OP but honestly she sounds selfish.
And to those even bringing up that his mom isnt the most important woman in his life, right now she is. Right now it's all he can think of. It's his mother!!!

Posted 11/9/19 12:43 PM
 

jlm2008
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Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Posted by olive98

Wow not sure how to say this but you sound very insensitive and selfish. This is his mother who may not be around for much longer



This. I can't even believe what I am reading. I am hoping it's just because you are stressed and venting. He should be spending every moment he can with his mother, she is dying. You can postpone your vacation.

Posted 11/9/19 12:47 PM
 

Summer123
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Member since 5/19

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Re: How I can support my husband while his mom goes through cancer?

Posted by jlm2008

Posted by olive98

Wow not sure how to say this but you sound very insensitive and selfish. This is his mother who may not be around for much longer



This. I can't even believe what I am reading. I am hoping it's just because you are stressed and venting. He should be spending every moment he can with his mother, she is dying. You can postpone your vacation.



Agreed!!!!!!

Posted 11/9/19 3:27 PM
 
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