Your opinion on DS's birthday

Quick background: DS is 3 and very shy/timid. He was in Early Intervention because he would not speak when people are around (other than immediate family), he is currently in CPSE since he aged out of EI.
DD is currently in Kindergarten, but when she was in Pre-K last year she started having play dates and being invited to birthday parties.
DD has gone on multiple play dates with 3 different girls and my wife has asked if she can bring DS along also. He goes but does not play with them, he just plays off on the side by himself.

DD has also been invite to a few birthday parties last year and the mothers have been kind enough to allow DS to go also. He also doesn't participate, but stays off on the side.
I'm sure deep down he WANTS to participate but is too scared to but I'm surprised that when he comes home I always ask if he had fun and he says he does. (but you can tell from videos/photos that he wants to join in, so Im surprised he says he has fun)

We just joined the local sports club to get access to a pool, and we brought the kids this weekend (this was also the location of a birthday party that the kids went to).
DS suprisingly said he wants his birthday party (who said he was having one?) to be at the same place Jennifer (DD's friend) had hers (which was the sports club)

I'm down with it, but my wife is against it (she just wants a family dinner) because:
We have nobody to invite - for DD's birthday last year we had a party for the first time and invited her whole pre-k class (which I think is a common thing to do). Half the class showed up.

My wife said when DD was 3 (and in preschool) it wasn't "real" school and most kids just went home and most people don't form relationships, thats why play dates/parties didn't start until Pre-K which was in a 'real' school.
Since DS is in a special program, the kids in the class are from multiple locations (Queens/Brooklyn/Manhattan) and they get bused home so we've never met any parents, etc.
So its tough to schedule play dates and so on. (since people live ALL over)

I suggested inviting DD's 3 playdate friends - but my wife thinks they would not show. She thinks most parents would find it strange to be invite to a friend's siblings party and would not make it a priority to attend.

She thinks DS would feel weird if we rented a big party room (that place only has a big room) and it ends up just us or just us and like 1 other kid.

She makes sense, but DS specifically mentioned having a birthday party and specifically mentioned that location.
My wife wants to have a dinner with just us because there would be low attendance if we had a party and she thinks he would feel bad/party would look bad to him.

I said - fine, we'll do a McDonald's party or something, but "same thing" she said - low attendance so it'll look bad (I said he wouldn't notice, but I'm clueless about things)

What do you all think?
Thanks

Message edited 11/5/2019 12:29:35 PM.

Re: Your opinion on DS's birthday

I'm going to preface this by saying I am a big party thrower so you should know where this is coming from.

I would have the party for him, especially because he asked for it. If you really have nobody to invite, can you just go there as usual and say it's for his birthday? Would he know the difference? I don't know that my 3 year old would. You could do that and then go home and have his family party.

I don't disagree with your wife about what she said about class friends. I don't know anyone in my 3 year old's class. Or 4 year old's either for that matter. Both of my sons have been invited to class parties, however, and I have taken them. We all live in the same area though so it's not borough hopping.

I don't see a problem with inviting DD's friends if you have become friendly with the families and they know your son.

Your opinion on DS's birthday

My son started in EI at 9 months old. Transitioned to CPSE and is now in special ed at 8.

We threw bday parties at the EI level. And the turnout was great. Every student attended. We had his party at Boune U one year, at 9am and it was a full house. Not one single person missed the party from his class regardless of how far they had to travel.

Personally at that age and given the background, I think parents are more inclined to accept the invites to foster social skills. Since going to elementary school, where he is in a self contained class and has been with the same kids since K, there is less social oppurtunity. Not a many bday parties. And a lot less kids to interact with.

Side note - He may be perfectly happy playing by himself. Don't discount that. My son would be at that age.

Message edited 11/5/2019 12:53:29 PM.

Your opinion on DS's birthday

When we threw DD's party we picked a local place (I wanted a bounce gym or a big ass gymnastic studio) because we live in the city and my wife said:
"All the kids live around here and most people don't have cars in the city so we have to pick a local place because the parents are not going to take a taxi or drag the kids on the subway just to go to some party."

She gave the example of 1 of the parties DD went to, it was at Chucky Cheese and my wife had to take an Uber to get there (it wasn't close to a subway) and the turn out was pretty low. One of the other parents there was complaining about the location.

Your point about parents in EI trying harder makes a lot of sense. Since he is in CPSE, he's actually in an integrated class now.

>>He may be perfectly happy playing by himself. Don't discount that.

That is true, but the reason I was surprised was because:
"He looked like he wanted to join in/looked sad" - thats why I was surprised he said he had fun, because you can tell he wanted to be part of it/not doing what he was doing

Message edited 11/5/2019 1:03:25 PM.

Your opinion on DS's birthday

I’d have the party and invite the kids from his school.

My DD is turning 4 and has been to a bunch of parties in addition to her own. We also get together for play dates and have spent the last 2 Halloween’s with school friends. I disagree that friendships don’t form at this age. Perhaps they will change and you may lose touch as time goes by but that doesn’t make these friendships less legit.

Also, as someone who went to private school in Queens and had friends scattered all over the city- I’m still friends with a lot of these “kids” and we’re in our 30’s.

Re: Your opinion on DS's birthday

I say have the party, invite the school friends and let DD invite her friends too.

My kids went to a daycare when they were very young. I had never met most of the parents. It was always a quick pickup and drop-off. We always threw a "school" party and you'd be surprised how many kids came. I just sent the invites in and the teachers would put 1 in each kids mailbox.

I would invite DD's friends too, so she'll have friends to hang out with and your son won't really notice who is there for him vs his sister. I always let DS invite a couple friends to his brothers things. It isn't weird. You can always just send the parents a text instead of the invite and let them know that DD wanted to invite them. It's like a play-date but with cake, I don't see why they would say no unless they had something else going on that day.