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When is this going to let up?

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amac27
LIF Infant

Member since 8/09

363 total posts

Name:
A

Re: When is this going to let up?

Posted by Budjeg11

Posted by amac27

I understand that working parents have it hard. I can't imagine juggling both a job and all the responsibilities of parenting. However, I think that it is really sad that ANY time people post an article about the difficulties of being a SAHM, working moms need to jump on that thread and complain about their own problems, acting those that stay home have nothing to complain about. It's like Stay at Home Moms just need to shut up and be grateful. We are not allowed to be frustrated or frazzled or bored. EVERYONE struggles in life. It is not a competition. One persons struggles do not negate the feelings of someone else.



I hear you.. but I think the comments are more about know your audience. Not that youre not allowed to feel frazzled etc or complain about your life. But if I live in a 3,000 square foot house and I complain to someone who lives in a 1,000 square foot house that my house is not big enough they will probably roll their eyes at me. Just like if a SAHM complains to a mom working 70 hrs a weeks about not having enough time they may roll their eyes.

Honestly, I work part time (25-30 hours a week) and for the first time both my kids are in school full time this year and i have two days "off" I feel kinda dumb complaining about not having enough time to get things done to my friends who are working full time.

That doesn't mean that SAHM or other moms cant complain or vent about other things like being bored, or not fulfulled or whatever, or that they have it easier or should shut up and be grateful. Everyone has their own journey and struggles.. just don't complain that you dont have enough time to the person who likely has much less time than you.



But the author of the article did not complain once about her lack of time. She just stated that SAHM (or in her case Work from Home Moms) deserve just as much respect as those moms who work outside the home. And yet, once again, there were a few posted into(not all)who were very passive aggressive in their feelings towards Stay at Home Moms. I just wish more people who do what the author said and just stay confident in their own choices and stop worrying about other people's choices.

Posted 10/22/19 4:19 PM
 

ml110
LIF Adult

Member since 1/06

5396 total posts

Name:

Re: When is this going to let up?

Posted by Budjeg11

Posted by FirstMate







That being said these conversations essentially turn into a contest of who has it harder the SAHM v. Working mom and that debate is often illogical because yes being a mom is hard either way but some moms do have it easier for various reasons beyond whether they work outside of the house or not.

i.e. are your kids in school? how much does your spouse help? Does your kid have extra or special needs ? How much outside or hired help do you get for domestic chore etc etc etc.




This.... I'm a SAHM and both my boys are in school full day this year (youngest just started kindergarten). So while, yes, i do have it very good and can't complain too much... there are more factors that go into how busy, tired, etc moms are than just whether they work out of the home or not.
** In my case, my husband is NOT a huge help around the house. i think i've just created this whole attitude in my house of "Mom has time, she'll take care of it..." because i decided to be a SAHM. so my husband (and kids) don't feel any obligation to help out with all the little stuff. so everything falls to me- every load of laundry, every dish, every dirty toilet, every piece of school paperwork, every errand, every school project, every day off or sick day that the kids have (instead of alternating staying home with the kids when they're sick)- we don't have grandparents or family around that help out with the kids after school or days off, they don't have the after care program staff doing their homework with them.... so, yes, i do have it good, but theres a lot that falls on me because I have more time.
on the other hand, my friend that works full time has her in laws living right across the street that take her 3 kids for the whole weekend almost every weekend, help her keep them busy on their days off from school, she has a cleaning service, grocery delivery, landscaper... basically a full staff helping her all the time HAHA
so, i mean, really every situation is different, and we're all just doing our best to raise these feral monsters we call our children LOL

Message edited 10/22/2019 8:55:27 PM.

Posted 10/22/19 8:53 PM
 

NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..

Member since 11/09

48592 total posts

Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!

Re: When is this going to let up?

I agree - every situation is different.
I work full time but I am not tired or stressed. Because I have a DH who has the luxury of being a stay at home dad.
So he handles the sick days, the days off from school, the running her to her activities at 4 pm, starting homework, doing the grocery shopping and cooking.
If we were both working it would be a whole other ball game.
I think my point was when I first replied that no matter WHAT you do- work full time, stay home full time, or any variation of the 2, you will get people who judge and comment.
That's just the nature of humans. They can't mind their own business or keep their opinions to themselves.
And the best defense against that is to just ignore it, don't take it to heart, and live your life how you see fit.

Posted 10/23/19 9:33 AM
 

b2b777
LIF Adult

Member since 9/09

4325 total posts

Name:

Re: When is this going to let up?

Posted by ml110

Posted by Budjeg11

Posted by FirstMate







That being said these conversations essentially turn into a contest of who has it harder the SAHM v. Working mom and that debate is often illogical because yes being a mom is hard either way but some moms do have it easier for various reasons beyond whether they work outside of the house or not.

i.e. are your kids in school? how much does your spouse help? Does your kid have extra or special needs ? How much outside or hired help do you get for domestic chore etc etc etc.




This.... I'm a SAHM and both my boys are in school full day this year (youngest just started kindergarten). So while, yes, i do have it very good and can't complain too much... there are more factors that go into how busy, tired, etc moms are than just whether they work out of the home or not.
** In my case, my husband is NOT a huge help around the house. i think i've just created this whole attitude in my house of "Mom has time, she'll take care of it..." because i decided to be a SAHM. so my husband (and kids) don't feel any obligation to help out with all the little stuff. so everything falls to me- every load of laundry, every dish, every dirty toilet, every piece of school paperwork, every errand, every school project, every day off or sick day that the kids have (instead of alternating staying home with the kids when they're sick)- we don't have grandparents or family around that help out with the kids after school or days off, they don't have the after care program staff doing their homework with them.... so, yes, i do have it good, but theres a lot that falls on me because I have more time.
on the other hand, my friend that works full time has her in laws living right across the street that take her 3 kids for the whole weekend almost every weekend, help her keep them busy on their days off from school, she has a cleaning service, grocery delivery, landscaper... basically a full staff helping her all the time HAHA
so, i mean, really every situation is different, and we're all just doing our best to raise these feral monsters we call our children LOL



I agree, however i think what you are saying implies that if you work you are off the hook for some of the stuff you listed above. My husband is a GREAT dad but he has not skills in the house. I work full time and do all the stuff you listed. I think the problem is typically gender based and we were raised and taught how to do specific things. I am good at holding down a house, balancing a checkbook, working AND being mom. Sadly these things leave us all wiped out, which is why we are so bitter and may jump down the throat of a SAHM once in a while Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon
I have friends in all walks of life and i commiserate with all of them. Having kids is hard, period!

Posted 10/23/19 1:10 PM
 

Budjeg11
LIF Adult

Member since 4/11

2537 total posts

Name:

Re: When is this going to let up?

Posted by b2b777

Posted by ml110

Posted by Budjeg11

Posted by FirstMate







That being said these conversations essentially turn into a contest of who has it harder the SAHM v. Working mom and that debate is often illogical because yes being a mom is hard either way but some moms do have it easier for various reasons beyond whether they work outside of the house or not.

i.e. are your kids in school? how much does your spouse help? Does your kid have extra or special needs ? How much outside or hired help do you get for domestic chore etc etc etc.




This.... I'm a SAHM and both my boys are in school full day this year (youngest just started kindergarten). So while, yes, i do have it very good and can't complain too much... there are more factors that go into how busy, tired, etc moms are than just whether they work out of the home or not.
** In my case, my husband is NOT a huge help around the house. i think i've just created this whole attitude in my house of "Mom has time, she'll take care of it..." because i decided to be a SAHM. so my husband (and kids) don't feel any obligation to help out with all the little stuff. so everything falls to me- every load of laundry, every dish, every dirty toilet, every piece of school paperwork, every errand, every school project, every day off or sick day that the kids have (instead of alternating staying home with the kids when they're sick)- we don't have grandparents or family around that help out with the kids after school or days off, they don't have the after care program staff doing their homework with them.... so, yes, i do have it good, but theres a lot that falls on me because I have more time.
on the other hand, my friend that works full time has her in laws living right across the street that take her 3 kids for the whole weekend almost every weekend, help her keep them busy on their days off from school, she has a cleaning service, grocery delivery, landscaper... basically a full staff helping her all the time HAHA
so, i mean, really every situation is different, and we're all just doing our best to raise these feral monsters we call our children LOL



I agree, however i think what you are saying implies that if you work you are off the hook for some of the stuff you listed above. My husband is a GREAT dad but he has not skills in the house. I work full time and do all the stuff you listed. I think the problem is typically gender based and we were raised and taught how to do specific things. I am good at holding down a house, balancing a checkbook, working AND being mom. Sadly these things leave us all wiped out, which is why we are so bitter and may jump down the throat of a SAHM once in a while Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon
I have friends in all walks of life and i commiserate with all of them. Having kids is hard, period!



I agree, I work PT and my husband doesn't help with squat. I refuse to work FT bc I know my husband would still not help with squat! That is just how he was raised in terms of gender roles- although his mom did not work so it is illogical but I digress. Yet, I have friends who are SAHM whose husbands help with everything at home- EVERYTHING, cleaning the house, caring for the kids etc. , doing the grocery shopping, running errands. So it really is not about SAHM v., WM but the whole picture. You better believe though that when these SAHM's lament about domestic stuff and not having tired etc.. I kinda Chat Icon Chat Icon But I remind myself that they may have other demands that I dont so I let them vent...

Posted 10/23/19 3:31 PM
 

amac27
LIF Infant

Member since 8/09

363 total posts

Name:
A

Re: When is this going to let up?

Posted by Budjeg11

Posted by b2b777

Posted by ml110

Posted by Budjeg11

Posted by FirstMate







That being said these conversations essentially turn into a contest of who has it harder the SAHM v. Working mom and that debate is often illogical because yes being a mom is hard either way but some moms do have it easier for various reasons beyond whether they work outside of the house or not.

i.e. are your kids in school? how much does your spouse help? Does your kid have extra or special needs ? How much outside or hired help do you get for domestic chore etc etc etc.




This.... I'm a SAHM and both my boys are in school full day this year (youngest just started kindergarten). So while, yes, i do have it very good and can't complain too much... there are more factors that go into how busy, tired, etc moms are than just whether they work out of the home or not.
** In my case, my husband is NOT a huge help around the house. i think i've just created this whole attitude in my house of "Mom has time, she'll take care of it..." because i decided to be a SAHM. so my husband (and kids) don't feel any obligation to help out with all the little stuff. so everything falls to me- every load of laundry, every dish, every dirty toilet, every piece of school paperwork, every errand, every school project, every day off or sick day that the kids have (instead of alternating staying home with the kids when they're sick)- we don't have grandparents or family around that help out with the kids after school or days off, they don't have the after care program staff doing their homework with them.... so, yes, i do have it good, but theres a lot that falls on me because I have more time.
on the other hand, my friend that works full time has her in laws living right across the street that take her 3 kids for the whole weekend almost every weekend, help her keep them busy on their days off from school, she has a cleaning service, grocery delivery, landscaper... basically a full staff helping her all the time HAHA
so, i mean, really every situation is different, and we're all just doing our best to raise these feral monsters we call our children LOL



I agree, however i think what you are saying implies that if you work you are off the hook for some of the stuff you listed above. My husband is a GREAT dad but he has not skills in the house. I work full time and do all the stuff you listed. I think the problem is typically gender based and we were raised and taught how to do specific things. I am good at holding down a house, balancing a checkbook, working AND being mom. Sadly these things leave us all wiped out, which is why we are so bitter and may jump down the throat of a SAHM once in a while Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon
I have friends in all walks of life and i commiserate with all of them. Having kids is hard, period!



I agree, I work PT and my husband doesn't help with squat. I refuse to work FT bc I know my husband would still not help with squat! That is just how he was raised in terms of gender roles- although his mom did not work so it is illogical but I digress. Yet, I have friends who are SAHM whose husbands help with everything at home- EVERYTHING, cleaning the house, caring for the kids etc. , doing the grocery shopping, running errands. So it really is not about SAHM v., WM but the whole picture. You better believe though that when these SAHM's lament about domestic stuff and not having tired etc.. I kinda Chat Icon Chat Icon But I remind myself that they may have other demands that I dont so I let them vent...




I completely agree with this. However, and I am sure that I am gonna get flack for this, but I definitely think that it's important to consider these types of things when choosing a life partner. My husband is EXTREMELY helpful and I am grateful, but then I would not put up with any less. I have so many girlfriends who complain about their husbands and I have a hard time feeling sorry for them because they chose to marry a person who does little to contribute except financially.


Posted 10/23/19 6:19 PM
 

Budjeg11
LIF Adult

Member since 4/11

2537 total posts

Name:

When is this going to let up?

Yes! I figuratively kick myself in the but on the daily for choosing a partner with antiquated gender roles . And it had nothing to do with
His finances either lol . But what youre saying is the equivalent of someone else telling a SAHM that they have trouble feeling sorry for them if they feel unfulfilled in their life bc they chose to stay home rather than work.

Posted 10/24/19 12:14 AM
 

amac27
LIF Infant

Member since 8/09

363 total posts

Name:
A

Re: When is this going to let up?

Posted by Budjeg11

Yes! I figuratively kick myself in the but on the daily for choosing a partner with antiquated gender roles . And it had nothing to do with
His finances either lol . But what youre saying is the equivalent of someone else telling a SAHM that they have trouble feeling sorry for them if they feel unfulfilled in their life bc they chose to stay home rather than work.



I do see the connection, but sometimes people stay home because they have no other choice. My son had an illness that required me to stay home. Some people stay home because Day Care is too expensive. It's not always because families are "privileged".

Posted 10/24/19 6:37 AM
 

ml110
LIF Adult

Member since 1/06

5396 total posts

Name:

Re: When is this going to let up?

Posted by Budjeg11

Posted by b2b777

Posted by ml110

Posted by Budjeg11

Posted by FirstMate
















i!



I agree, I work PT and my husband doesn't help with squat. I refuse to work FT bc I know my husband would still not help with squat! That is just how he was raised in terms of gender roles-




Yup... same here. Even before kids when we were both working, I still ended up doing ALL the house stuff... so I was pretty much like "Hell no if i'm doing all this AND working once we have kids, too!" HAHA
I knew it when i met him how he was raised, and married him anyway LOL BUT hes extremely useful/ helpful in other ways. He can fix anything and everything (hes an engineer...) so, hes saved us literally tens of thousands of dollars over the years in repair bills or hiring a contractor for remodeling. hes fixed the furnace when it went out on a saturday night, our washer, installed a whole baseboard heat system himself when we added on to our house, hes been outside until 10/10:30 every night the past couple weeks putting in our new patio because the patio guy we hired "ghosted" us... hes the treasurer for our boys Cub Scout pack and goes to all that stuff with them, takes the older one skiing in the winter... so, hes not a total dud HAHAHA he was just raised with very definite gender rolls... and i actually like being "suzy homemaker" LOL so, having me SAH works for us for now.

Posted 10/24/19 7:52 AM
 

StaceyWill
It's a girl!!!

Member since 6/10

20912 total posts

Name:
Stacey

When is this going to let up?

To answer OP's question - it is NEVER going to let up. Some people always think their life is harder, they're more tired, busier, etc. But you NEVER know what is going on in someone's life.
My mother always told me when I would complain about stuff as a kid - if everyone put their woes in the middle of the room - after hearing everyone else’s - you are going to want to take yours back.
Moral of the story - everyone should mind their own biz and live their life not worrying or comparing it to anyone else's. Because you just never know.

Posted 10/24/19 8:37 AM
 

Budjeg11
LIF Adult

Member since 4/11

2537 total posts

Name:

Re: When is this going to let up?

Posted by amac27

Posted by Budjeg11

Yes! I figuratively kick myself in the but on the daily for choosing a partner with antiquated gender roles . And it had nothing to do with
His finances either lol . But what youre saying is the equivalent of someone else telling a SAHM that they have trouble feeling sorry for them if they feel unfulfilled in their life bc they chose to stay home rather than work.



I do see the connection, but sometimes people stay home because they have no other choice. My son had an illness that required me to stay home. Some people stay home because Day Care is too expensive. It's not always because families are "privileged".




No one said anything about privilege but it's still a choice that's made .

Posted 10/24/19 9:16 AM
 

LuckyStar
LIF Adult

Member since 7/14

6019 total posts

Name:

When is this going to let up?

I agree that the involvement of a spouse is a huge factor in balancing work/home.

But I find it interesting that everyone is discussing traditional gender roles and how they impact a husband’s involvement (or lack thereof) on a thread about SAHMs, some of whom must have sons.

Posted 10/24/19 9:22 AM
 

Sash
♥4Yrs Strong♥

Member since 6/08

8148 total posts

Name:
fka LIW Smara

Re: When is this going to let up?

That was a terrible article and she sounds bitter asf.

I don’t think shm are exclusive to getting judgements and criticisms. All moms and women are criticized, no one group is special sorry. We all get it. Lol.

Op, I don’t think you’re the only shm - there is a quite a few in this site alone or used to be.

Posted 10/24/19 10:22 AM
 

ml110
LIF Adult

Member since 1/06

5396 total posts

Name:

Re: When is this going to let up?

Posted by LuckyStar

I agree that the involvement of a spouse is a huge factor in balancing work/home.

But I find it interesting that everyone is discussing traditional gender roles and how they impact a husband’s involvement (or lack thereof) on a thread about SAHMs, some of whom must have sons.



yup... SAHM with 2 boys. I work really hard to not raise my boys with the attitude my husband was raised with- his mom literally told him "you're job is school, mom will take care of everything else...." Chat Icon so even though i chose a "traditional" gender role of SAHM, i work hard to make sure my sons appreciate my role, and pitch in. Like right now, I did laundry a little bit ago- they're at school. I very easily could've taken the 5 minutes to put it in their drawers for them, but instead i folded it and left it all on their beds so that they'll have to put it away when they get home. i run the dishwasher while they're at school, and when they get home, one of them will help me empty it. my husband does cook dinner a few nights a week, so they see that dads can cook too LOL
so i do try hard to not just raise them where mom does everything for them...

Posted 10/24/19 10:45 AM
 

amac27
LIF Infant

Member since 8/09

363 total posts

Name:
A

Re: When is this going to let up?

Posted by ml110

Posted by LuckyStar

I agree that the involvement of a spouse is a huge factor in balancing work/home.

But I find it interesting that everyone is discussing traditional gender roles and how they impact a husband’s involvement (or lack thereof) on a thread about SAHMs, some of whom must have sons.



yup... SAHM with 2 boys. I work really hard to not raise my boys with the attitude my husband was raised with- his mom literally told him "you're job is school, mom will take care of everything else...." Chat Icon so even though i chose a "traditional" gender role of SAHM, i work hard to make sure my sons appreciate my role, and pitch in. Like right now, I did laundry a little bit ago- they're at school. I very easily could've taken the 5 minutes to put it in their drawers for them, but instead i folded it and left it all on their beds so that they'll have to put it away when they get home. i run the dishwasher while they're at school, and when they get home, one of them will help me empty it. my husband does cook dinner a few nights a week, so they see that dads can cook too LOL
so i do try hard to not just raise them where mom does everything for them...




I think this is amazing-kudos to you! My father was a great Dad, but a ****** husband. My grandmother practically wiped his ass growing up and (though my mother worked full time), he did little to help with any household tasks. My mom was very resentful and I swore that that wouldn't be me. Though I do stay home, I fully expect that my husband helps out with the children and household tasks. I don't want to raise my children to think that it is ok for husbands to not help out with the household.

I have been slacking with getting my son to help out though (he is only 5, but he can contribute in small ways), and these are great ideas.

Posted 10/24/19 11:41 AM
 

FirstMate
My lil cowboy

Member since 10/10

6505 total posts

Name:

Re: When is this going to let up?

Posted by ml110

Posted by LuckyStar

I agree that the involvement of a spouse is a huge factor in balancing work/home.

But I find it interesting that everyone is discussing traditional gender roles and how they impact a husband’s involvement (or lack thereof) on a thread about SAHMs, some of whom must have sons.



yup... SAHM with 2 boys. I work really hard to not raise my boys with the attitude my husband was raised with- his mom literally told him "you're job is school, mom will take care of everything else...." Chat Icon so even though i chose a "traditional" gender role of SAHM, i work hard to make sure my sons appreciate my role, and pitch in. Like right now, I did laundry a little bit ago- they're at school. I very easily could've taken the 5 minutes to put it in their drawers for them, but instead i folded it and left it all on their beds so that they'll have to put it away when they get home. i run the dishwasher while they're at school, and when they get home, one of them will help me empty it. my husband does cook dinner a few nights a week, so they see that dads can cook too LOL
so i do try hard to not just raise them where mom does everything for them...



And your future daughter in law thanks you for that!!

In one of the posts above, someone said something about not picking a partner that helps you and you created your own issues (or something to that effect...I'm paraphrasing). TBH, I feel like none of that gets fleshed out until you have kids and different responsibilities are put into place and I think that is why a lot of marriages fail.

Pre-kids, did it really matter who was doing what? We ate out a lot and cleaned as needed. It wasn't until the responsibility of kids came along that we need to really figure out whose job was whose due to time constraints. My DH has some really antiquated, chauvinistic ideas that I find appalling. If I was a SAHM, I doubt he would help me at all. But, being that I work FT, he helps me tremendously. He does laundry, he cleans, he bathes the kids, he will cook if I tell him what to do, he will run to the store. He is the sole caretaker of the outside property. I carry a lot of the load, but he definitely, definitely helps. Honestly, I think we are a far better match now than we were when we got married. I can say we are a great team. But I had no way of knowing that when we got married.

Sorry I digressed and went off topic!

Posted 10/24/19 4:04 PM
 
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