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Confused

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noni882
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Confused

So this kind of a 2 part question
My DD is 10 and she got an iPad a few months ago. A lot of her friends have phones so she has started to text a few from her iPad. She is limited to 1 1/2 hours on the iPad. This includes video games, YouTube, texting etc.
We’ve never had an issue until recently. She is attending camp this summer and has become friends with 2 girls that she really wasn’t that friendly with at school. I read through her texts the other night and saw some things talked about that I was surprised about.
They were talking about being lesbians and bi. They used expressions like wtf..
so my questions are a) do I talk to her about her feelings that she may be gay. I don’t even think she truly knows what that means.
B) do I try to put some separation between her and these 2 girls? I feel like they are not having the greatest influence in her.
I honestly didn’t think I would be dealing with stuff like this in the 4th grade!!!

Posted 8/7/19 10:23 PM
 

Cruisin
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Member since 2/16

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Confused

Dealing with the same regarding a camp text group started this week with boys going into 5th. It’s incredible what these kids know and say.
A lot of it is texting those bitmoji pics back and forth- no real conversation going on.
My advice, and what I’m currently doing, is monitoring and keeping an eye. We talk about coming to me if anything makes him feel uncomfortable or he doesn’t know something or someone being mean. The world is so scary - I’m so nervous to raise a ‘tween’ in now a days!!!

Posted 8/8/19 3:27 AM
 

Katareen
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Katherine

Confused

Personally I think at that age you need to have a rule that you’re permitted to read her texts whenever you want to. This way since you have a rule set up she doesn’t think you’re invading her privacy.

Then I might sit down with her and discuss this conversation. I wouldn’t so much be worried that she’s having bi/lesbian feelings—But I wouldn’t want her to start saying these things as if someone who is bisexual or lesbian is the butt of a joke. They have to understand that while it’s perfectly normal for somebody to be a homosexual it isn’t appropriate to use those words as an insult.

Posted 8/8/19 7:43 AM
 

noni882
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288 total posts

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Re: Confused

Thank you for the responses. Yes, I agree that I need to set up a rule that we are allowed to read her texts so she doesn't feel like I am invading her privacy. It never seemed to be an issue before these last few weeks.
As far as the bi/lesbian issue, I honestly don't think she really knows what that means but doesn't want to admit it and look uncool with these new friends. They aren't making fun or using it as an insult. They were talking about it and asking each other what they were and one girl said she was a lesbian and the other said she was bi.
These kids grow up way too fast nowadays! It's a scary wold and I feel like I want to shelter y kids from things but then they are learning everything anyway from friends.
I have tried to have open conversations with her about things bu she gets really embarassed and asks to stop or starts crying.

Posted 8/8/19 10:06 AM
 

NervousNell
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Re: Confused

Posted by noni882

Thank you for the responses. Yes, I agree that I need to set up a rule that we are allowed to read her texts so she doesn't feel like I am invading her privacy. It never seemed to be an issue before these last few weeks.
As far as the bi/lesbian issue, I honestly don't think she really knows what that means but doesn't want to admit it and look uncool with these new friends. They aren't making fun or using it as an insult. They were talking about it and asking each other what they were and one girl said she was a lesbian and the other said she was bi.
These kids grow up way too fast nowadays! It's a scary wold and I feel like I want to shelter y kids from things but then they are learning everything anyway from friends.
I have tried to have open conversations with her about things bu she gets really embarassed and asks to stop or starts crying.




But do 10 year olds actually have sexual attractions and feelings to any sex at this point?
I am not sure they even know what that means in reality to be honest.
Like the one who said she was bi- does she even know what that involves sexually?
I mean it seems a bit young for that.
I mean, go play with Barbies or something- you have MANY MANY years to worry about the drama that comes with sex..
Jesus.


Message edited 8/8/2019 10:58:23 AM.

Posted 8/8/19 10:56 AM
 

nycbuslady
LIF Toddler

Member since 9/15

436 total posts

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Confused

I think they kinda know things, but not really. I'd ask her "Do you know what this means?" I bet the other girls don't know either.

Here's a funny story. My sister and niece went on a tour of Italy and we were texting about the tour. I asked if she met any fun people on the tour and she texted "Yes, we've been hanging out with two couples -- one gay and one straight." My 11 YO daughter was reading my texts and asked "What does she mean by "straight"?" LOL

Posted 8/8/19 1:05 PM
 

noni882
LIF Infant

Member since 7/06

288 total posts

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Re: Confused


But do 10 year olds actually have sexual attractions and feelings to any sex at this point?
I am not sure they even know what that means in reality to be honest.
Like the one who said she was bi- does she even know what that involves sexually?
I mean it seems a bit young for that.
I mean, go play with Barbies or something- you have MANY MANY years to worry about the drama that comes with sex..
Jesus.





So true.... I feel the same way and part of me just wants to drop the conversation before giving her a whole lesson on the different types of relationships etc.
I feel like a lot of my DDs friends have older siblings in high school and they are learning this from them. Also, her friends seem to be allowed to watch stuff that I don't allow DD to watch- R rated movies, Stranger Things, Pretty Little Liars etc

My DD unfortunately is now learning this stuff too.
I wish they would all go back to playing Barbies!

Posted 8/8/19 1:09 PM
 

NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..

Member since 11/09

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..being a mommy and being a wife!

Re: Confused

So my daughter is 9 and this is the extent of it.

Boys are gross
She is never getting married and will stay with daddy forever. (I think he may have had something to do with this one lol)
She wants to adopt a baby in the future because she does NOT want a baby in her belly.


So, yeah.
Bisexual, lesbians etc- not even on the radar at this age.

Posted 8/8/19 1:21 PM
 

LuckyStar
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Member since 7/14

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Re: Confused

Posted by NervousNell

So my daughter is 9 and this is the extent of it.

Boys are gross
She is never getting married and will stay with daddy forever. (I think he may have had something to do with this one lol)
She wants to adopt a baby in the future because she does NOT want a baby in her belly.


So, yeah.
Bisexual, lesbians etc- not even on the radar at this age.



Mini Nell makes some fine points.

Posted 8/8/19 2:45 PM
 

LuckyStar
LIF Adult

Member since 7/14

5906 total posts

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Confused

I’d probably drop it, especially if she gets upset when it’s mentioned. As long as she’s not being given the impression that homosexuality has any negative connotation I think it’s fine. Kids just want to make their peers think they’re mature than they really are.

Posted 8/8/19 2:48 PM
 

Sash
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Member since 6/08

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fka LIW Smara

Re: Confused

I’m in the minority but I do not think 10yrs old is too young to understand what homosexuality is.My son started really understanding and knowing at around 9.
There are some kids that age that know they are attracted to the same sex.

I wouldn’t harp on it because I don’t think someone saying they are bi or lesbian is necessarily bad. I would have a candid convo. Sometimes you can gage whether she knows what that means or was just agreeing to stuff without knowing to seem cool. One of my fears as a parent is my son being gay and him being scared to talk about it. So if I read or saw something where he was discussing this, I would definitely talk to him.


My son is 10 and while he still says girls are gross or doesn’t appear to like anyone, im pretty sure his hormones are going.

Posted 8/8/19 5:45 PM
 

Straightarrow
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Re: Confused

Posted by Sash

I’m in the minority but I do not think 10yrs old is too young to understand what homosexuality is.My son started really understanding and knowing at around 9.
There are some kids that age that know they are attracted to the same sex.

I wouldn’t harp on it because I don’t think someone saying they are bi or lesbian is necessarily bad. I would have a candid convo. Sometimes you can gage whether she knows what that means or was just agreeing to stuff without knowing to seem cool. One of my fears as a parent is my son being gay and him being scared to talk about it. So if I read or saw something where he was discussing this, I would definitely talk to him.


My son is 10 and while he still says girls are gross or doesn’t appear to like anyone, im pretty sure his hormones are going.



I agree with this. My son has a friend who is gay (they're 12) and his mother knew before he did, lol. But he knows as well and has for a while.

And on the flip, my son had a 'girlfriend' from mid fifth to mid sixth grade. They actually made me nervous and I was so happy that they didn't go to school together because adults had to be around when they were together. She's gone now, thank god. lol.

But I read my son's texts, we have my SO's son's phone cloned so we know everything he sends and receives (he doesn't live with us full time)

It's a different world out there. Yes, we played with Barbies and American Girl at these ages, but not anymore.

Message edited 8/9/2019 3:20:49 PM.

Posted 8/9/19 3:20 PM
 

NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..

Member since 11/09

48292 total posts

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..being a mommy and being a wife!

Re: Confused

Posted by Straightarrow

Posted by Sash

I’m in the minority but I do not think 10yrs old is too young to understand what homosexuality is.My son started really understanding and knowing at around 9.
There are some kids that age that know they are attracted to the same sex.

I wouldn’t harp on it because I don’t think someone saying they are bi or lesbian is necessarily bad. I would have a candid convo. Sometimes you can gage whether she knows what that means or was just agreeing to stuff without knowing to seem cool. One of my fears as a parent is my son being gay and him being scared to talk about it. So if I read or saw something where he was discussing this, I would definitely talk to him.


My son is 10 and while he still says girls are gross or doesn’t appear to like anyone, im pretty sure his hormones are going.



I agree with this. My son has a friend who is gay (they're 12) and his mother knew before he did, lol. But he knows as well and has for a while.

And on the flip, my son had a 'girlfriend' from mid fifth to mid sixth grade. They actually made me nervous and I was so happy that they didn't go to school together because adults had to be around when they were together. She's gone now, thank god. lol.

But I read my son's texts, we have my SO's son's phone cloned so we know everything he sends and receives (he doesn't live with us full time)

It's a different world out there. Yes, we played with Barbies and American Girl at these ages, but not anymore.



We have a childhood friend who is gay and yes, looking back we knew it from when he was like 6 years old, but not because he had sexual attractions and feeligns towards the same sex at that age or even at 9. He just always was more "feminine" if you will, always seemed more one of the girls than one of the guys.
When he came out many many years later, it was no surprise.
My point is- do 9 year old girls know what bisexuality involes? Do they know it means they are attracted to a man's penis and a woman's vagina and all the things that go along with that kind of sexual relationship?
Do they feel turned on by another girl's breasts ? Do they feel sexually attracted to either sex? I really hope not at that age. Because being bisexual or gay or whatever, is not something to just say because you think it makes you feel cool or older or worldly. Or because you heard it in a movie or TV show. It's a SEXUAL orientation.

And maybe I'm in the minority but my daughter is 9 and still plays with her dolls as do many of her friends and I thank God for that every day. So it's not ALL kids at this age who are acting like the are 21 because it's a "different" world now.
I also see a big difference between 9 and 10 year olds and 11 and 12 year olds. By 11 or 12, yeah I can see "boyfriends and girlfriends" etc.
There's a huge jump in maturity between those ages IMO

Message edited 8/9/2019 3:43:31 PM.

Posted 8/9/19 3:37 PM
 

Sash
♥4Yrs Strong♥

Member since 6/08

8029 total posts

Name:
fka LIW Smara

Re: Confused

Posted by NervousNell

Posted by Straightarrow

Posted by Sash

I’m in the minority but I do not think 10yrs old is too young to understand what homosexuality is.My son started really understanding and knowing at around 9.
There are some kids that age that know they are attracted to the same sex.

I wouldn’t harp on it because I don’t think someone saying they are bi or lesbian is necessarily bad. I would have a candid convo. Sometimes you can gage whether she knows what that means or was just agreeing to stuff without knowing to seem cool. One of my fears as a parent is my son being gay and him being scared to talk about it. So if I read or saw something where he was discussing this, I would definitely talk to him.


My son is 10 and while he still says girls are gross or doesn’t appear to like anyone, im pretty sure his hormones are going.



I agree with this. My son has a friend who is gay (they're 12) and his mother knew before he did, lol. But he knows as well and has for a while.

And on the flip, my son had a 'girlfriend' from mid fifth to mid sixth grade. They actually made me nervous and I was so happy that they didn't go to school together because adults had to be around when they were together. She's gone now, thank god. lol.

But I read my son's texts, we have my SO's son's phone cloned so we know everything he sends and receives (he doesn't live with us full time)

It's a different world out there. Yes, we played with Barbies and American Girl at these ages, but not anymore.



We have a childhood friend who is gay and yes, looking back we knew it from when he was like 6 years old, but not because he had sexual attractions and feeligns towards the same sex at that age or even at 9. He just always was more "feminine" if you will, always seemed more one of the girls than one of the guys.
When he came out many many years later, it was no surprise.
My point is- do 9 year old girls know what bisexuality involes? Do they know it means they are attracted to a man's penis and a woman's vagina and all the things that go along with that kind of sexual relationship?
Do they feel turned on by another girl's breasts ? Do they feel sexually attracted to either sex? I really hope not at that age. Because being bisexual or gay or whatever, is not something to just say because you think it makes you feel cool or older or worldly. Or because you heard it in a movie or TV show. It's a SEXUAL orientation.

And maybe I'm in the minority but my daughter is 9 and still plays with her dolls as do many of her friends and I thank God for that every day. So it's not ALL kids at this age who are acting like the are 21 because it's a "different" world now.
I also see a big difference between 9 and 10 year olds and 11 and 12 year olds. By 11 or 12, yeah I can see "boyfriends and girlfriends" etc.
There's a huge jump in maturity between those ages IMO




No one is saying every single 10 year old knows what it means to be Bi,Gay or a lesbian. However, it would be really ignorant to think a 10 years old cant start feeling attracted to each either whether it be the same or opposite sex. I was still playing with barbies at 10yrs old but I also remember having two big crushes at that age as well. It doesn't mean they are acting like adults, it's hormones and natural. Some mature faster than others. It's always been that way.

A child can understand the premise of being gay and it has nothing to do with body parts. I know I never been initially attracted to a man because of his Penis. So that is an odd statement. And yes kids say a lot of dumb stuff to sound cool, it doesn't sound far fetched as well for one girl to agree with her friends without understanding the whole concept.

My only point is that what the OP described isn't far fetched and she should have a conversation. It's good to communicate with your child on these things and not assume they are too young or don't know. My stepson is 21 and my son is 10, I am speaking from firsthand experience.

Message edited 8/9/2019 4:03:44 PM.

Posted 8/9/19 3:56 PM
 

Straightarrow
LIF Adult

Member since 2/11

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Re: Confused

Posted by NervousNell



And maybe I'm in the minority but my daughter is 9 and still plays with her dolls as do many of her friends and I thank God for that every day. So it's not ALL kids at this age who are acting like the are 21 because it's a "different" world now.
I also see a big difference between 9 and 10 year olds and 11 and 12 year olds. By 11 or 12, yeah I can see "boyfriends and girlfriends" etc.
There's a huge jump in maturity between those ages IMO




You are right there is big difference between 9&10 and 11&12, however, I feel the big change in behavior, etc comes like mid-fifth grade, or seemed to with my son and his friends. And you can be 9-11 depending on when your birthday is (probably 10-11 except for the odd circumstance)

I'm not even talking puberty changes, I am talking about how they allllll got phones by the end of 5th grade, etc.

Posted 8/9/19 4:02 PM
 

Sash
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Member since 6/08

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fka LIW Smara

Re: Confused

Posted by Straightarrow

Posted by NervousNell



And maybe I'm in the minority but my daughter is 9 and still plays with her dolls as do many of her friends and I thank God for that every day. So it's not ALL kids at this age who are acting like the are 21 because it's a "different" world now.
I also see a big difference between 9 and 10 year olds and 11 and 12 year olds. By 11 or 12, yeah I can see "boyfriends and girlfriends" etc.
There's a huge jump in maturity between those ages IMO




You are right there is big difference between 9&10 and 11&12, however, I feel the big change in behavior, etc comes like mid-fifth grade, or seemed to with my son and his friends. And you can be 9-11 depending on when your birthday is (probably 10-11 except for the odd circumstance)

I'm not even talking puberty changes, I am talking about how they allllll got phones by the end of 5th grade, etc.



Also kids, especially girls may be going through puberty at 10, their hormones start getting out of wack at 9. A 9/10 yr old knowing what it means for someone to be gay, does not sound like they are acting like a 21yr old.

Posted 8/9/19 4:07 PM
 

KarenK122
The Journey is the Destination

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Karen

Confused

My daughter and her friends understood what gay/bi/transgender was by the time they were in 2nd grade, if not earlier. We have many same sex couples at our school and we have a few transgender children. It was explained to them very simply and it was never an issue. From what I see with my daughter's friends, they don't understand "true feelings" but think that they should. A few of them have crushes or boyfriends and I asked them the other day what do they do with their boyfriends or why they decided to have a boyfriend. Basically it was nothing and that they just thought it sounded cool or the kid was cute.

As far as the texting, my daughter started texting at about 10 years old. We have many rules surrounding it. I read everything. If she deletes a text, she loses her phone. If she says anything inappropriate, she loses her phone. I will though ask her first if she types something I find inappropriate because I know sometimes she does not know what it means. I might give her a pass for that once, but if she does it again, no more phone. I ask questions about what the other girls (and boys) text. Kids are vicious over texts. She thinks I'm the meanest mom ever but that's my job lol.

Posted 8/9/19 6:49 PM
 

Sash
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Member since 6/08

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Re: Confused

Posted by KarenK122

My daughter and her friends understood what gay/bi/transgender was by the time they were in 2nd grade, if not earlier. We have many same sex couples at our school and we have a few transgender children. It was explained to them very simply and it was never an issue. From what I see with my daughter's friends, they don't understand "true feelings" but think that they should. A few of them have crushes or boyfriends and I asked them the other day what do they do with their boyfriends or why they decided to have a boyfriend. Basically it was nothing and that they just thought it sounded cool or the kid was cute.

As far as the texting, my daughter started texting at about 10 years old. We have many rules surrounding it. I read everything. If she deletes a text, she loses her phone. If she says anything inappropriate, she loses her phone. I will though ask her first if she types something I find inappropriate because I know sometimes she does not know what it means. I might give her a pass for that once, but if she does it again, no more phone. I ask questions about what the other girls (and boys) text. Kids are vicious over texts. She thinks I'm the meanest mom ever but that's my job lol.



Chat Icon Chat Icon at the last line. My son doesn’t even have a phone yet, so I’m basically the anti-Christ.

Posted 8/9/19 8:52 PM
 

M514
Hi

Member since 8/10

5545 total posts

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Confused

I would definitely have a conversation with your daughter about her texts and let her know that you will be checking her messages. If you think these girls are a bad influence, talk to your daughter about it and limit contact.

I really think a lot of kids think it’s cool to talk or act like they know what those words mean. I was at a concert last week and there was a group of teeenagers sitting together. One girl was cuddled up to a guy sitting next to her, she kissed him, then turned and kissed the girl sitting on the other side of her. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

My daughter (going into 3rd grade) had a child in her kindergarten class with same sex parents, and she came home talking about it one day, so we had a conversation about it. She has also been in classes with this child's twin sibling. Most recently, we were away on vacation and saw a male couple with a child in a stroller. I noticed my daughter looking at them and she said to me “ X and X (twins from her classes) have two moms”. I knew she was looking and comparing it to what she knows.

Posted 8/10/19 7:58 AM
 

LSP2005
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L

Re: Confused

One of my friends daughter's came home from sleep away camp at age 12 to tell her mom she was the only straight girl in her bunk and that she felt ostracized by the rest of the girls because they were all either bi or gay. My son just turned 12 and he has friends of all kinds of kids. I know some of his friends are very into their looks and have been since at least 3rd grade. I discussed this with both of my kids who basically concluded that are too young to deal with these types of things and they wondered how other kids could know that they liked someone yet.

Posted 8/10/19 1:50 PM
 

mrsrainbow
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Member since 1/17

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Re: Confused

If your intention to separate the girls because she's a "bad influence," I would take a step back and ask what is making you think that and why. Once you process that, I think you will have a clearer idea as to how to proceed.

Curiosity about sexuality is normal, but only you know your daughter and her emotional maturity and what she's been exposed to and influenced by.

"WTF" is inapprropriate language for that age regardless, so that definitely warrants a conversation.

However, tread lightly with the rest and keep a keen eye on how she responds/interacts. Good luck.

Posted 8/12/19 3:02 PM
 

nycgirl
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Re: Confused

A) Our kids know what gay, trans and bi mean. They are 7&9. It helps diffuse stupidity that they may hear (there was a whole to do about a “gay test” on the bus). At 9, my son would love to marry his BFF... but he does have feelings towards a girl... and we gently acknowledge that it’s different. I know the school covered trans (we have a student who is) in 1st grade.

B) Good luck with friends. Speaking to your daughter and discussing what she discusses with them may be a better long term goal. You never know... the kid who looks polite can be the worst of influences

Posted 8/12/19 4:10 PM
 

Mrs213
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Member since 2/09

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Confused

Personally I would talk with her about these conversations and check for understanding about what these things mean. If she doesn’t understand I would explain it. I would also be monitoring all of her conversations and address things as they come up. The best thing to do is be transparent and make her aware she can discuss any concerns with you.

Posted 8/17/19 12:35 PM
 
 

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