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dreamworld06
LIF Adult
Member since 2/07 1341 total posts
Name:
Heather
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Feeling left out
So there are several couples in my neighborhood that we met about a year ago. 2 of the couples have known each other longer but otherwise we all met at the same time. Lately it seems like 3 of the girls are getting together and leaving me and another girl out. When the whole group gets together my husband and I are most often invited and we all get along great. It hurts my feelings and I'm trying to decide if I should say something or not but I don't want to feel like they're inviting me just because I said something. What would you do?
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Posted 11/1/18 11:32 PM  |
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jaysee00
LIF Adult
Member since 3/06 1647 total posts
Name:
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Re: Feeling left out
I don’t think I’d say anything. I think it would be really awkward. Also you don’t really know the actual curcumstances of how they ended up planning to hang out. Maybe the next time you are together in a group, initiate a plan to hang out another time with just the women and see how that goes. I would feel the same as you but try to look at it from a different perspective:)
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| Posted 11/2/18 5:22 AM |
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Re: Feeling left out
I can see how that would hurt. We have a big group of neighborhood friends, and we often do things together, with and without the kids. We often go out for "ladies night" and we all just went trick or treating together and all of the families came back to my house. We've done a winery trip together.
However, we also do things in different combinations. Sometimes one of us will have a bbq and invite one or two other families but not everybody. Or sometimes I will have one family over for dinner.
I think when it's a large group, it can be hard to always include everybody to every event. Sometimes last minute things come up, or sometimes you want it more low key and don't necessarily want a huge crowd. It can be hard to coordinate plans and dates when you are consulting 5 other couples versus one or two.
As neighbors, we have tried to take the stance that everyone does not have to be included to everything. If my DS wants to have a sleepover with his friend up the block, he doesn't necessarily need to invite the kid next door, the kid around the corner, etc. If two of the wives wind up having a few glasses of wine on someone's back deck, they don't have to call everyone else to join. There is too much pressure that way, so we try to be inclusive but not crazy about it.
However, if it bothers you, and you want to be included more, I think rather than saying something directly (which could potentially make it awkward or further divide the group), I would just try to initiate more group activities with the neighbors. Be the organizer and then you can include who you want! If you initiate more frequent gatherings of the entire group, maybe it will be come more of a cohesive group, and others will naturally start including everyone.
Message edited 11/2/2018 9:04:04 AM.
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| Posted 11/2/18 9:02 AM |
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CookiePuss
Cake from Outer Space!
Member since 5/05 14007 total posts
Name:
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Re: Feeling left out
I don't think I would say something but I would try to plan something and invite everyone. I live in a neighborhood where some of us are very close and I would imagine that sometimes, the other women may feel left out. Sometimes it's circumstances...like we were at the bus stop and coffee/breakfast was last minute or we saw each other at the beach and it lead to going to the pool and BBQing.
I think it would help if you planned something that included everyone. It's probably circumstantial rather then intentional with regards to their GTGs.
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| Posted 11/2/18 9:43 AM |
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jams92
Member since 1/12 6105 total posts
Name:
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Re: Feeling left out
I agree with the others; i would NOT say anything. Next time you are all together (or start ag roup text with all the ladies) try to coordinate something for everyone and see how that goes.
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| Posted 11/2/18 10:04 AM |
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KarenK122
The Journey is the Destination
Member since 5/05 4430 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Feeling left out
I wouldn't say anything. People can hang out with whoever they choose. Why don't you initiate the invite and then maybe they will start including you as well.
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| Posted 11/2/18 10:04 AM |
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twizzlers
LIF Adolescent
Member since 11/14 874 total posts
Name:
x
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Re: Feeling left out
I totally understand you feeling left out. I also would not say anything. I would instead start/initiate a party/get together instead of waiting for an invite.
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| Posted 11/2/18 10:06 AM |
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RainyDay
LIF Adult
Member since 6/15 3986 total posts
Name:
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Feeling left out
You said they leave someone else out as well. Why not try initiating a get together.
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| Posted 11/2/18 10:09 AM |
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PhyllisNJoe
My Box Is Broken
Member since 6/11 9145 total posts
Name:
Phyllis
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Re: Feeling left out
I wouldn't say anything. Sometimes within a bigger group, a smaller group emerges. It doesn't feel great to those left out, but they probably just mesh well together. Doesn't mean they don't like you or want to hang with you, they just got closer. It happens.
I agree with the others... try initiating a GTG with all of you and see how it feels to you. You may see those 3 are more a closer group - it happens
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| Posted 11/2/18 10:13 AM |
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jamnmore
LIF Adult
Member since 6/16 989 total posts
Name:
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Feeling left out
Saying something will make the group awkward. I would not do it. Make plans of your own. Big picture, it's not that big a deal. The others that make plans may have more of a connection due to lifestyle or circumstances (SAHM VS WM). FWIW I don't even speak to my neighbors,never mind hang out with them.
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| Posted 11/2/18 10:38 AM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54917 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: Feeling left out
Posted by jamnmore
Saying something will make the group awkward. I would not do it. Make plans of your own. Big picture, it's not that big a deal. The others that make plans may have more of a connection due to lifestyle or circumstances (SAHM VS WM). FWIW I don't even speak to my neighbors,never mind hang out with them.
LOL ditto.
But I think that stems a lot from being left out. A lot. All my life. So I put up walls because it wasn't worth the constant hurt feelings.
Friendships are a LOT of work.
One way to handle it is to do what the others suggest here- make your own plans, invite people over etc.
My way was to say EFF them all and become a recluse.
I wouldn't recommend my way.
Message edited 11/2/2018 11:09:49 AM.
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| Posted 11/2/18 10:56 AM |
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edfilippi
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 997 total posts
Name:
Erica
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Re: Feeling left out
I 100% would not say anything. People are allowed to hang out separately and not as a group all the time. It will make things awkward. Initiate plans with the women you are feeling left out by or make plans with the other woman who is being left out.
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| Posted 11/2/18 12:26 PM |
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lululu
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 9508 total posts
Name:
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Re: Feeling left out
This is the way that I would handle it. Next time you are out and you find out about something that they did together without you, or if you see they did something together on social media, get in touch with the one that you are closest with and say "Hey, I saw that you and X & Y all did this! If you do that again let me know, I would love to come along if you don't mind." They may not realize you are available or it may be a spur of the moment type thing, but letting them know you are interested may make them realize they should give you a call. However, I think that organizing a couple of activities that you invite them to is also a good idea because the fact of the matter is, most of the time you only think of the people that are in your face day in and day out.
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| Posted 11/2/18 12:42 PM |
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itsagoodlife
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/15 619 total posts
Name:
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Re: Feeling left out
No offense meant here but seriously... this keeps coming up on here and I’m confused.
People are allowed to hang out with (and include) whoever they want to hang out with or include. I do not understand why people get their feelings hurt when others do things. Plan something and invite them if you want to hang out with them. Or, find new people to be friends with.
No offense, but maybe they didn’t want to invite you... or maybe it never occurred to them to include you. It sounds like this group is an established group of friends. Forcing yourself on them by saying something or even saying “hey next time invite me!” Is desperate in my opinion. If they wanted you there, they would have asked you.
We are all adults and not everyone always needs to be invited everywhere
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| Posted 11/2/18 2:21 PM |
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dreamworld06
LIF Adult
Member since 2/07 1341 total posts
Name:
Heather
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Re: Feeling left out
Posted by itsagoodlife
No offense meant here but seriously... this keeps coming up on here and I’m confused.
People are allowed to hang out with (and include) whoever they want to hang out with or include. I do not understand why people get their feelings hurt when others do things. Plan something and invite them if you want to hang out with them. Or, find new people to be friends with.
No offense, but maybe they didn’t want to invite you... or maybe it never occurred to them to include you. It sounds like this group is an established group of friends. Forcing yourself on them by saying something or even saying “hey next time invite me!” Is desperate in my opinion. If they wanted you there, they would have asked you.
We are all adults and not everyone always needs to be invited everywhere
The group is established- with me in it. It's not like they were established and I just came along. We all became friends at the same time. It hurts my feelings because it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Just like you said, " If they wanted you there, they would have invited you" which makes me wonder why they didn't want me there and that hurts my feelings.
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| Posted 11/2/18 3:16 PM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54917 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: Feeling left out
Posted by dreamworld06
Posted by itsagoodlife
No offense meant here but seriously... this keeps coming up on here and I’m confused.
People are allowed to hang out with (and include) whoever they want to hang out with or include. I do not understand why people get their feelings hurt when others do things. Plan something and invite them if you want to hang out with them. Or, find new people to be friends with.
No offense, but maybe they didn’t want to invite you... or maybe it never occurred to them to include you. It sounds like this group is an established group of friends. Forcing yourself on them by saying something or even saying “hey next time invite me!” Is desperate in my opinion. If they wanted you there, they would have asked you.
We are all adults and not everyone always needs to be invited everywhere
The group is established- with me in it. It's not like they were established and I just came along. We all became friends at the same time. It hurts my feelings because it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Just like you said, " If they wanted you there, they would have invited you" which makes me wonder why they didn't want me there and that hurts my feelings.
I agree with you. It is hurtful. And saying- hey maybe they didn't want you there- is insensitive IMO.
Being left out is no fun in high school and it's still no fun as an adult.
I'm sorry they made you feel bad. I've been there, it stinks.
Maybe make plans with the other girl who got left out - and leave THEM out.
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| Posted 11/2/18 3:36 PM |
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PearlJamChick
No one sings like you anymore.
Member since 7/10 9264 total posts
Name:
Petticoated Swashbuckler
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Re: Feeling left out
I would initiate plans. I wouldn’t inquire as to why I wasn’t invited somewhere; I don’t think everyone needs to be invited to everything just because they are all within the same crew.
Take the reigns and make a plan with them; now is actually a perfect time to try to plan something within the next couple of weeks before the holidays are here and everyone gets really busy.
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| Posted 11/2/18 3:53 PM |
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drpepper318
MIR MIR MIR!
Member since 6/07 8274 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: Feeling left out
If you really want to hang out with these people, I think you have to make plans with at least one of them to push yourself into the circle a little more. They may not realize you’re interested & leaving you out is unintentional. If it is intentional you’ll see that by their reactions.
It’s crappy, but this is why I tend not to have groups of friends, because I’ve always been the one to be pushed to the outer edge while the others got closer... not sure why but that always used to happen to me... now I just have individual friends I do things with.
Good luck. They may not be worth your time in the end but if they are, then putting yourself out there more, instead of just waiting to be invited, should help.
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| Posted 11/2/18 4:14 PM |
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FirstMate
My lil cowboy
Member since 10/10 7789 total posts
Name:
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Re: Feeling left out
Ugh that stinks. I understand why you feel hurt. Nobody likes to feel excluded.
I would not say anything. Like PP said, I would just start organizing more things so you are included.
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| Posted 11/2/18 5:12 PM |
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itsagoodlife
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/15 619 total posts
Name:
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Re: Feeling left out
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by dreamworld06
Posted by itsagoodlife
No offense meant here but seriously... this keeps coming up on here and I’m confused.
People are allowed to hang out with (and include) whoever they want to hang out with or include. I do not understand why people get their feelings hurt when others do things. Plan something and invite them if you want to hang out with them. Or, find new people to be friends with.
No offense, but maybe they didn’t want to invite you... or maybe it never occurred to them to include you. It sounds like this group is an established group of friends. Forcing yourself on them by saying something or even saying “hey next time invite me!” Is desperate in my opinion. If they wanted you there, they would have asked you.
We are all adults and not everyone always needs to be invited everywhere
The group is established- with me in it. It's not like they were established and I just came along. We all became friends at the same time. It hurts my feelings because it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Just like you said, " If they wanted you there, they would have invited you" which makes me wonder why they didn't want me there and that hurts my feelings.
I agree with you. It is hurtful. And saying- hey maybe they didn't want you there- is insensitive IMO.
Being left out is no fun in high school and it's still no fun as an adult.
I'm sorry they made you feel bad. I've been there, it stinks.
Maybe make plans with the other girl who got left out - and leave THEM out.
I was not trying to be insensitive... just making the point that sometimes maybe people just want to hang out with a few friends and NOT the entire group. There have been times when I have wanted to ONLY hang out with 1 or 2 of my friends. I did not want friend 3 or 4 there because there was something I wanted to talk about and only friends 1 and 2 knew the situation. I do not get offended or get my feelings hurt when a few friends go out without me. I do not feel left out....because there have been many times that I have done something, had dinner, drinks, had a girls weekend, with just 2 or 3 friends and NOT invited the entire group. Maybe its just my friends, but we do not get offended when someone is "left out". Its never done maliciously. I think people are too sensitive and that social media makes it worse because people post every move they make and then others have FOMO syndrome.
As I said, we are all adults and can make plans with who we please. Obviously mine is an unpopular opinion.
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| Posted 11/2/18 6:02 PM |
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LuckyStar
LIF Adult
Member since 7/14 7272 total posts
Name:
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Re: Feeling left out
Posted by itsagoodlife
We are all adults and not everyone always needs to be invited everywhere
I think part of being an adult is being inclusive and sensitive to other people's feelings. That is the difference between an adult and a high schooler.
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| Posted 11/2/18 6:24 PM |
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Re: Feeling left out
Posted by LuckyStar
Posted by itsagoodlife
We are all adults and not everyone always needs to be invited everywhere
I think part of being an adult is being inclusive and sensitive to other people's feelings. That is the difference between an adult and a high schooler.
I agree with this. I think your motivation to initiate and maintain friendships overtime changes as does how you interact with others as an adult
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| Posted 11/2/18 10:02 PM |
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itsagoodlife
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/15 619 total posts
Name:
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Re: Feeling left out
Posted by TwinMommyToBoys
Posted by LuckyStar
Posted by itsagoodlife
We are all adults and not everyone always needs to be invited everywhere
I think part of being an adult is being inclusive and sensitive to other people's feelings. That is the difference between an adult and a high schooler.
I agree with this. I think your motivation to initiate and maintain friendships overtime changes as does how you interact with others as an adult
We will have to agree to disagree. We are NOT children anymore which is precisely WHY we don’t have to “invite the whole class” anymore.
As I said... not done with malice. People are way too easily offended.
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| Posted 11/3/18 10:57 AM |
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Re: Feeling left out
Posted by itsagoodlife
Posted by TwinMommyToBoys
Posted by LuckyStar
Posted by itsagoodlife
We are all adults and not everyone always needs to be invited everywhere
I think part of being an adult is being inclusive and sensitive to other people's feelings. That is the difference between an adult and a high schooler.
I agree with this. I think your motivation to initiate and maintain friendships overtime changes as does how you interact with others as an adult
We will have to agree to disagree. We are NOT children anymore which is precisely WHY we don’t have to “invite the whole class” anymore.
As I said... not done with malice. People are way too easily offended.
I think there's a difference between purposefully "cliquey" or malicious versus just not inviting everyone to everything.
I mean, if there was an established group of say, 6 people (neighbors, college friends, etc.), and 5 constantly made plans together and left the 6th out, one would think that it's intentional and designed to be hurtful. And that would be wrong.
But I agree that if there is a group of 6 neighbors that get together sometimes but then sometimes 3 of them go out without the other 3, I see nothing wrong with that.
I have several groups of friends, from my neighborhood, from my son's school, his sports teams, my beach cabana, etc. I think it's a lot of pressure to think, "oh no, if I"m going out to dinner with a and b from the baseball team, I better invite the other 9 moms, because we sometimes go out for ladies night together." That would be crazy and make it very hard to make any plans.
I took that to be what the original poster meant when she said "everyone doesn't have to be invited to everything." As adults with maturity, I think we can understand that.
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| Posted 11/3/18 3:17 PM |
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Re: Feeling left out
Posted by LuckyStar
Posted by itsagoodlife
We are all adults and not everyone always needs to be invited everywhere
I think part of being an adult is being inclusive and sensitive to other people's feelings. That is the difference between an adult and a high schooler.
But, and this is not directed towards the op, sometimes people just don’t want everyone there. Maybe the person they’re excluding gets too drunk, or is too sensitive. Maybe they obsessively talk about themselves. Maybe they have annoying characteristics.
Maybe these traits are diminished in a larger setting, but people can only tolerate them in small doses.
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| Posted 11/3/18 7:13 PM |
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