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Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

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nycgirl
Angels!

Member since 3/09

7721 total posts

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Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Posted by jessnbrian

I'll add this... and I'm sure all grandparents don't feel this way, but my mom said that someone told her that "you love all of your grandchildren, but the first one is extra special", and she just winked at me (I had my family's first grandchild and great-grandchild, and I'm the first grandchild for my grandparents). My grandmother, from her wheelchair in the hospital, looked up and winked at me too, nodding her head in agreement. It's horrible, and it sucks, and it's not the case for everyone, but this definitely happens. On my dh's side, it's a little different, he's the first of his generation to carry on the family name, and our son is the first of that generation to carry on the family name, so he's up on a pedestal, but he's NOT the first grandchild.



LOL! This is SO true (in BOTH sets of our families). My lucky son is the WORLD to my parents. Likewise, my nephew is the world to DH's parents.

Posted 2/11/15 9:10 AM
 
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shellbebaby
So In Love!

Member since 8/11

1487 total posts

Name:
Michelle

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Posted by jessnbrian

Posted by TryingandHiding

Thanks all Chat Icon

@loveus: I understand that there's a big difference between a daughter and a daughter in law, but is there a big difference between a daughter and your son? That's the part that gets me. Can someone shed light?



Yes. There is. Daughter (typically) will get the help where a son won't, and I think the thought is that the DIL's mother/parents will help. Now, if the DIL's parent's aren't around for whatever reason, then my mom would offer, but in our family, my sil to be's mom will be aallll over helping. And this probably comes from the old fashioned belief that the MOTHER cares for the child and the FATHER works, so the MIL of the mother (following? it's a weird way of saying it) wouldn't want to step on the mother's toes... does that make sense?



Old adage... A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son till he takes a wife. Not saying it's right, or always true, but there is a reason it's said.

Thinking through all my parents friends that have both sons and daughters who are grown up and married... Yes the parents are ALWAYS closer with the daughters. I can't think of a single example where that is not true. Not sure why. Again I'm an only, so I can only go off what I see around me.

Message edited 2/11/2015 11:13:58 PM.

Posted 2/11/15 11:10 PM
 

LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!

Member since 5/05

18885 total posts

Name:
L

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

I just wanted to put something out there. My kids are the first grandchildren for either side. My inlaws volunteered to watch my son while I worked. They are ten years older than my parents and it was just too much for them. They are much better now that my kids are older, but babysitting for them when you are closer to 70 than in your late 50s is a huge difference. What they thought that they could do, in reality was not the case.

I would not ask your inlaws to babysit when they are already babysitting for a sibling. You are putting them in a no win situation. If they leave your sil and bil they will forever be pissed off with you because they are going to be scrambling for care for one or two days. It is very hard to find one or two day care situations. Most places want a minimum of three days. You don't know if your sil bil pays your inlaws. Would it be nice if they offered, yes, but they don't owe it to you to care for your child. I am sorry you feel slighted, but I don't think it is intentional on their part. I have to ask, is the sibling a daughter or son? I do think for childcare, parents are more willing to help their daughter over their son if the daughter has her own mom nearby.

Posted 2/12/15 8:38 AM
 

hopingforbaby
We made a wish & you came true

Member since 2/10

2695 total posts

Name:
Me

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Posted by shellbebaby

Posted by jessnbrian

Posted by TryingandHiding

Thanks all Chat Icon

@loveus: I understand that there's a big difference between a daughter and a daughter in law, but is there a big difference between a daughter and your son? That's the part that gets me. Can someone shed light?



Yes. There is. Daughter (typically) will get the help where a son won't, and I think the thought is that the DIL's mother/parents will help. Now, if the DIL's parent's aren't around for whatever reason, then my mom would offer, but in our family, my sil to be's mom will be aallll over helping. And this probably comes from the old fashioned belief that the MOTHER cares for the child and the FATHER works, so the MIL of the mother (following? it's a weird way of saying it) wouldn't want to step on the mother's toes... does that make sense?





Old adage... A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son till he takes a wife. Not saying it's right, or always true, but there is a reason it's said.

Thinking through all my parents friends that have both sons and daughters who are grown up and married... Yes the parents are ALWAYS closer with the daughters. I can't think of a single example where that is not true. Not sure why. Again I'm an only, so I can only go off what I see around me.



As the mother of a son, I seriously want to punch people who say this to me. That's not directed at you, it just really grates on my nerves when people tell me that. I actually find it really insulting and hurtful to say to the mother of a young boy. Chat Icon Chat Icon

FWIW, My DH is just as close to his parents as his sister and he sees them a lot more than she does also.

Posted 2/12/15 10:28 AM
 

MissMeliss
Love my kids

Member since 11/08

1424 total posts

Name:

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Posted by hopingforbaby

Posted by shellbebaby

Posted by jessnbrian

Posted by TryingandHiding

Thanks all Chat Icon

@loveus: I understand that there's a big difference between a daughter and a daughter in law, but is there a big difference between a daughter and your son? That's the part that gets me. Can someone shed light?



Yes. There is. Daughter (typically) will get the help where a son won't, and I think the thought is that the DIL's mother/parents will help. Now, if the DIL's parent's aren't around for whatever reason, then my mom would offer, but in our family, my sil to be's mom will be aallll over helping. And this probably comes from the old fashioned belief that the MOTHER cares for the child and the FATHER works, so the MIL of the mother (following? it's a weird way of saying it) wouldn't want to step on the mother's toes... does that make sense?





Old adage... A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son till he takes a wife. Not saying it's right, or always true, but there is a reason it's said.

Thinking through all my parents friends that have both sons and daughters who are grown up and married... Yes the parents are ALWAYS closer with the daughters. I can't think of a single example where that is not true. Not sure why. Again I'm an only, so I can only go off what I see around me.



As the mother of a son, I seriously want to punch people who say this to me. That's not directed at you, it just really grates on my nerves when people tell me that. I actually find it really insulting and hurtful to say to the mother of a young boy. Chat Icon Chat Icon




ITA hopingforababy. I find it very obnoxious, to be honest.

Posted 2/12/15 10:51 AM
 

shellbebaby
So In Love!

Member since 8/11

1487 total posts

Name:
Michelle

Kind of spin-off to

Sorry if I offended... I said before writing it that "I'm not saying it's always true", but it is always said. I'm just pointing out that very often, and not all the time daughters stay closer with their parents then sons. That's why the line exists at all. Lines like this don't exist for no reason at all.

I think this is more true in families with both daughters and sons. It's certainly true in the case of child care. I can thinknof at least 30 examples among my parents friends were they bend over to help their daughter but not their sons. But in most these cases the DILs have helpful parents.

Message edited 2/12/2015 11:11:24 AM.

Posted 2/12/15 11:05 AM
 

hopingforbaby
We made a wish & you came true

Member since 2/10

2695 total posts

Name:
Me

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

Posted by shellbebaby

Sorry if I offended... I said before writing it that "I'm not saying it's always true", but it is always said. I'm just pointing out that very often, and not all the time daughters stay closer with their parents then sons. That's why the line exists at all. Lines like this don't exist for no reason at all.

I think this is more true in families with both daughters and sons. It's certainly true in the case of child care. I can thinknof at least 30 examples among my parents friends were they bend over to help their daughter but not their sons. But in most these cases the DILs have helpful parents.



I realize it may not always be true but when you are a new mother of an infant boy and going through PPD, hearing that is EXTREMELY hurtful and offensive. Whether often true or not a line like that should NEVER exist. Not trying to attack you just trying to make you understand why someone may be hurt by that remark.

In my experience, the parents in my family help out all of their children equally regardless of sex. If anything, people joke that Dh is the favorite child all the time. I can't speak for everyone's family dynamics but all I can say is my kids wil be treated and loved equally regardless of whether this baby is a Chat Icon or a Chat Icon.

Message edited 2/12/2015 11:19:48 AM.

Posted 2/12/15 11:18 AM
 

JME78
LIF Adult

Member since 11/09

3490 total posts

Name:

Re: Kind of spin-off to "equality" on relationships

I think its an old school/traditional mentality.

My maternal grandparents were off the boat Italians. My mom has 3 brothers, I have 8 first cousins who are all older than me, yet my grandparents were most involved with my brother and I. I think its the mentality that the mother is responsible for the childrearing, and therefore since my grandparents obviously were closer to my mother than to their son's wives, they had more of a "say" and felt comfortable doing more for us without stepping on any toes. My grandfather would buy us whatever he wanted, take us wherever he wanted, etc, because if my mom had an issue, that was one thing, but he didn't want to start anything with his daughters in law.

During the summers my grandparents watched us, but my cousins that were closest in age to me went to their maternal grandmothers during the day. I think that is where the saying stems from. Its not that they loved their sons any less, its just a comfort/access thing.


Posted 2/12/15 12:43 PM
 
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