i know i prob sound crazy..

but does this happen to anyone else...

i am pregnant,no less with twins,i could not be happier and more grateful...i will always keep with me that although we have our miracles9knock on wood) there will always be someone else fighting the fight

so why am i still bitter and jealous?? i still cringe
when i hear omg i hate being pregnant and i want a drink...i still cringe when i hear someone say why is it taking so long and it has been 3 months...why do i even care?

is this what infertility really does when it comes to scarring you? will i always feel this way?

i think what it is all my friends,including some i met on here and have become great friends with are all beginning to try for number 2 while here i am 12 weeks with our first,well first 2 technically lol

i lived through all the talk the first time of how hard this is,and the advice of put ur legs in the air and if u have sex 5 days in a row u will get pregnant...and i said nothing bc i was too consumed with being sad bc one after one they were pregnant and i was not

now it is all starting again and it is eating at me and i have no idea why

do not get me wrong they have been amazing,always supported us and were so happy for us when we finally got the one that so far has been sticking

i think it is i will always look at pregnancy differently,something that took forever,a battle that hopefully one day we will finally win

not the fun of just getting it on..the pain of thousands in bills,hundreds of bruises from meds,....idk i know i sound crazy and prob bitter it is just like i feel like in my everyday life nobody understands

thanks for reading

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

Well, I clearly can't speak from a success story standpoint, but I when I was pregnant with triplets, we saw my DH's cousin who was pregnant at the time. Even though I was pregnant (x3!!!!) I was still peeved at the fact that she had it so damn easy.

Actually, while I was there, she complained about a tiny blue mark at the fold of her arm where she had bloodwork done for the glucose test. I soooo wanted to lift my shirt so she could see the hundreds of track marks and battle wounds I had going on .. dark purple peach pit bruises... you know the deal.....


I don't think the sting ever goes away... but again.. not speaking from the perspective of someone with a gigantic pregnant belly or a baby in her arms.. so who knows, maybe it DOES get better.

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

I know I am SCARRED from infertility. It changed me in many ways...not all for the better...and there are some things I will never get over/be able to tolerate from other people. All I take with me at this point in time is that despite my journey being long and hard, I am one of the lucky ones because I did bring home a beautiful, healthy child. My experience is no one else's and no one else's is mine. There are even women who have dealt with infertility who I can't relate to. Maybe their journey was shorter or they didn't embrace their pregnancy the way I did. Such a personal journey and don't let anyone ever tell you your feelings are wrong...they aren't.

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

From what i hear, we are scarred for life. While i prefer that none of us ever have to go down this road, i wont forget what its like to be on the other side (even though ive only been on this "other" side for a short time) and will be sensitive to those going thru it.

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

Message edited 6/3/2012 9:16:59 AM.

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

Do you remember my "sandwich" post? It obviously wasn't about a sandwich but just the ongoing emotions of how I feel with having dealt with infertility and now pregnant as opposed to the norm (I guess you can say) and their everyday trials and tribulations!
All I know is that I'm starting to feel better, safer. I still have my moments, right before my weekly sono, if I dont' feel the baby move for a couple of hrs, etc. Like some of the other ladies before me, I made little milestones, and that's helped me to relax a bit. It does get easier with time and development of growing baby.

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

from a BTDT standpoint, it gets better in some ways and worse in others.

a year removed from a nearly deadly birth experience, i def love hearing about who is pregnant, even though a vast majority of my mommy friends who have babies around Em's age are onto their second pregnancies. that is what it is, and despite my own struggle, i dont actually want to be pregnant right now, so while i get a little jealous that my ordeal makes me more timid about fertility and pregnancy as a whole, i still find myself mostly happy for others.

what aggravates me more now is people who cry and moan about how their "freedom" is taken away by their baby, and how much they miss now that they are parents. although i never cared much about that anyway, not a day goes by where im not incredibly grateful for my miracle. even when she poops everywhere or is crying and screaming for no reason, i would never ever trade it, especially not for my old "freedom."

so while id like to say that those feelings go away completely, in a sense they just get redirected somewhere else

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

for me..right now, being 14 weeks pregnant i think i am still sensitive about alot of things.

It still annoys me when others dont appreciate getting pregnant easily/quickly, it bothers me to see people who are not ready or want a baby have one and it annoys me when i'm so anal about what i put into my body and i see so many others be relaxed about what they eat, drink or the environment they are in. But honestly, if it was the other way around and i didnt have to deal with IF i probably wouldnt be feeling like this. IF really messes with you! Hopefully as time goes on IF wont dominate so much of my thoughts...

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

I am bitter about the fact that I can't relax and enjoy being pregnant. I feel like infertility has made me too aware of all of the bad things that can go wrong. I am living each day counting down to my next appointment so I can see that everything is still good.

I am nervous bc I stop progesterone tomorrow after being on it for 12 weeks. I feel like the dr should check my levels to make sure i am making enough on my own but I don't go in for 2 more weeks!

So yes, I think it is normal to hate on all those girls who never had to worry!

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

I really want to punch people out that complain about the things they cannot do during pregnancy.

I def am scarred. I still see pregnant woman and have to stop myself because my first thought is "I bet they didn't even try". The other day I was telling my friend about my struggles. She got pregnant by accident and she said oh my friend who took 6 months to get pregnant said she would get upset when she would see other women with babies. REALLY???? I didn't even have a response.

I think most pregnant women are not freaking out as much between sonos. I had a sono at 10 weeks and I have to wait until this Thursday for my 12 week sono and I swear it has been the longest 2 weeks ever. I juggle between elation and complete panic on a daily basis. I am dreading those weeks in between my 12 week and 20 week sono where I won't know what is going on. I guess I will be crazy forever

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

I know my journey was not as long as many others but I felt the same way, even throughout my pregnancy. Every time I heard of someone getting pregnant so quickly or 'by accident', i would also feel jealous and butter. For me, it has gotten a lot better now that Ryan is here. I do think my endometriosis diagnosis and the crap i had to go through to treat it has forever changed me as a person. I still don't know if I will be lucky enough to get pregnant again while other women won't give that a second thought and I think there will always be some level of bitterness there. But then I look at my son and just feel so grateful that he is here and healthy. I was meant to have THIS baby and if this was the journey I had to take to have him, then so be it.

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

thanks everyone! i really appreciate it..wish i felt better ,maybe on my kids 3rd birthday

Re: i know i prob sound crazy..

Reading this made me so sad, because I feel the same way...and my twins are almost 2 years old!

I know I have said this before, but infertility changes you. It changes everyone in different ways, but there is always a change. I still feel a twinge of jealousy when someone gets pregnant quickly...it's almost second nature now.
I, actually, had a lot of guilt with my own pregnancy. I had a lot of complications and felt awful complaining, because it's all I prayed for over 2 years.

Anyway, all of these feelings are normal. Once your beautiful babies are here, you will be busy living them and being a mommy. Those feelings will show up, from time to time, but I do think it's less and less as time goes on .