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Do you ever worry that...

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BaseballWidow
*****

Member since 8/08

6657 total posts

Name:

Do you ever worry that...

your marriage won't survive infertility??

Also, what do you do to try and safeguard your marriage to prevent this (that is, if you worry)??

Posted 3/9/09 4:02 PM
 
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maybeamommy
Blessed beyond belief

Member since 10/07

17048 total posts

Name:

Re: Do you ever worry that...

I don't really worry about that - but we haven't been on this journey for nearly as long as many others have.

We try to keep our marriage a priority. We eat a homecooked dinner together 6 nights each week and Friday night is our "date night" - which can be just us going for dinner, meeting up with friends, etc... but definitely spending that time together. We have tried not to let IF change us or take over our lives. We still do our normal Saturday supermarket shopping together, eating ice cream sundaes on Sunday nights... silly things like that make me feel very close to my DH.

We also try to always have a plan. I'm definitely a planner and the feeling of "not knowing" troubles me a lot. So we always have a "if this works" and a "if this doesn't work" plan. We've also just tried to agree on when we'd need breaks, how long they'd be, and what we'd do in the meantime. Having agreements and compromised on those things helps us not to fight about what we'll do when those situations arise... KWIM?

Posted 3/9/09 4:08 PM
 

karenk71
Love

Member since 6/06

1547 total posts

Name:
Karen

Re: Do you ever worry that...

I used to wonder about this when I first started my IF journey, but honestly this is no longer a fear at all. I feel bad because sometimes I wonder if DH would've already had kids if he was with someone else, but I know we were meant to be together so that doesn't even really apply to the situation.
My marriage is my 1st priority and both of us take our vows very seriously. It took us a looooooongggg time to get married. I know we can work through absolutely anything.
I can honestly say even after everything we've been through with IF our marriage just keeps getting better.

Posted 3/9/09 4:23 PM
 

Daisy32
Mommy

Member since 2/08

8081 total posts

Name:

Re: Do you ever worry that...

yes...honestly it does cross my mind but I figure we have to do our best to roll with the punches and take each issue as they come. KWIM? I mean I know he's not going anywhere but still its something you think about.

The truth is IF is a struggle and can be quite traumatic.... and serious issues like that tend to tear marriages apart....but DH and I both keep reminding each other that we're a team and that we'll get through it together Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Message edited 3/9/2009 4:29:39 PM.

Posted 3/9/09 4:27 PM
 

Bxgell2
Perfection

Member since 5/05

16438 total posts

Name:
Beth

Re: Do you ever worry that...

I don't know, for us, IF brought us closer together. Admittedly, at first I had a very hard time grappling with it and kept my feelings to myself and would blow up at hm out of nowhere. THAT didn't help - I sought out therapy, which helped me to be honest with my own feelings first, which then allowed me to communicate better with my DH.

Once I started talking to him about my fears, my emotions, everything, that's when we really bonded so much more. And I made such a concerted effort to really focus on the things in my life that made me happy, like my DH, and our connection, so we started doing more date nights consistently and doing things together.

Once it came to injectables - DH took the brunt of the task, which helped bring us closer, I think, because we each had a role in it.

If you make an effort, I don't think it has to be a strain on your marriage Chat Icon

Posted 3/9/09 4:29 PM
 

BaseballWidow
*****

Member since 8/08

6657 total posts

Name:

Re: Do you ever worry that...

Posted by Bxgell2

If you make an effort, I don't think it has to be a strain on your marriage Chat Icon



Please don't take this the wrong way, but do you think the fact that you already had a child played into it?

And I would have to disagree that no matter what kind of effort one or both puts into it, it has to be a strain at some level...even if the end result is a better relationship. But again, already having a child could change that perspective, too.

Posted 3/9/09 4:37 PM
 

Bxgell2
Perfection

Member since 5/05

16438 total posts

Name:
Beth

Re: Do you ever worry that...

Posted by BaseballWidow

Posted by Bxgell2

If you make an effort, I don't think it has to be a strain on your marriage Chat Icon



Please don't take this the wrong way, but do you think the fact that you already had a child played into it?

And I would have to disagree that no matter what kind of effort one or both puts into it, it has to be a strain at some level...even if the end result is a better relationship. But again, already having a child could change that perspective, too.



Maybe, I don't know honestly because I was obviously in a different position than most. But I do know that infertility, whether it is primary or secondary, is difficult, whether or not you already have a child. And in fact, as I've mentioned this on other posts, experiencing secondary infertility introduces a whole different set of emotions, guilt, devastation.

I admit it is difficult to put myself in the shoes of someone experiencing primary infertility, so I can understand why someone looking at a woman experiencing secondary infertility might think it isn't as difficult, but speaking for myself, I don't see it that way. It's certainly a "different" experience, but that doesn't qualify it as less painful.

And I'm not saying it isn't a strain - of course it is - but personally, for myself, confronting the pain and talking about it openly, and making a concerted effort to connect with my husband, turned a difficult experience into a bonding experience, one, while technically a strain, did not break my marriage.

Posted 3/9/09 4:45 PM
 

MrsRbk
<3 <3 <3 <3

Member since 1/06

19197 total posts

Name:
Michelle

Re: Do you ever worry that...

Posted by Bxgell2

I don't know, for us, IF brought us closer together. Admittedly, at first I had a very hard time grappling with it and kept my feelings to myself and would blow up at hm out of nowhere. THAT didn't help - I sought out therapy, which helped me to be honest with my own feelings first, which then allowed me to communicate better with my DH.

Once I started talking to him about my fears, my emotions, everything, that's when we really bonded so much more. And I made such a concerted effort to really focus on the things in my life that made me happy, like my DH, and our connection, so we started doing more date nights consistently and doing things together.

Once it came to injectables - DH took the brunt of the task, which helped bring us closer, I think, because we each had a role in it.

If you make an effort, I don't think it has to be a strain on your marriage Chat Icon




I agree with Beth. Our relationship grew stronger having to go through all we did. In the very beginning before we even went to the RE, it was very difficult, we were on two different pages, but over time ( a short period of time), it really strengthed our relationship

Posted 3/9/09 4:51 PM
 

BaseballWidow
*****

Member since 8/08

6657 total posts

Name:

Re: Do you ever worry that...

Posted by Bxgell2


I admit it is difficult to put myself in the shoes of someone experiencing primary infertility, so I can understand why someone looking at a woman experiencing secondary infertility might think it isn't as difficult, but speaking for myself, I don't see it that way. It's certainly a "different" experience, but that doesn't qualify it as less painful.




I agree that trying to put oneself in another's shoes is difficult, which is why I was asking IF you thought it made a difference or not, not implying that it would or should. Like for me, would it be any less stressful the second time around, if we ever get that far...can't say until I'm there. Was just curious if YOU thought it made a difference for your situation or not. Like i said, didn't mean to imply anything otherwise.
Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 3/9/09 5:22 PM
 

BaseballWidow
*****

Member since 8/08

6657 total posts

Name:

Re: Do you ever worry that...

Posted by daisy32


The truth is IF is a struggle and can be quite traumatic.... and serious issues like that tend to tear marriages apart....but DH and I both keep reminding each other that we're a team and that we'll get through it together Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon



That's how we deal..the "in this together" approach. I guess I am more afraid of the if it never happens scenerio...what then? Right now we may say we are OK with stopping after (certain $$ spent, certain amt of time, certain procedures) and we agree now...but what if one of us changes their mind...then what? Chat Icon

Posted 3/9/09 5:25 PM
 

KrisT
Two Boys for Me!!

Member since 1/07

5213 total posts

Name:
Kristin

Re: Do you ever worry that...

Like some of the others have said, I really think that IF has brought us closer together. We are definitely a team and in it together. I think it sometimes hurts him that I have to deal with the "brunt" of IF, i.e. the doctor's appointment, the injections, dealing with the m/c issue, etc.

DH always jokes around that it is a "uter-US" and not a "uter-I" Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 3/9/09 5:50 PM
 

BA2008
Need to find some hope!

Member since 2/08

2485 total posts

Name:
Beth -Ann

Re: Do you ever worry that...

I also really worried about this. But oddly, its brought DH and I closer together than I ever thought possible. Even when I had to bring up the idea of DE to DH. I thought this is it, its gonna be the last straw. And he is all for it. I still have trouble talking to him about this stuff sometimes. Either he's not interested or I get too emotional on him and me.

Even 2 years ago when I had the m/c he was at the hospital in like 20 minutes. And he was an hour away. And while I had to lay down and take it easy he rose up and did the cooking and laundry etc...

I'm not gonna say that we didn't fight about this stuff, cause we have. But, it can really bond you together (and it can break you apart if you both don't agree). But, Men come around eventually. They are slower to accept what we already know etc...

Message edited 3/9/2009 6:33:38 PM.

Posted 3/9/09 6:27 PM
 

hopeandfaith75
LIF Adolescent

Member since 7/08

587 total posts

Name:
K

Re: Do you ever worry that...

Yes! I wonder this a lot. I tell DH that if he had married someone else he would have kids by now since I am the reason that we are having IF issues. I sometimes think he will get sick of this and leave me for someone who can actually have kidsChat Icon

Posted 3/9/09 6:35 PM
 

babyfaith
Onward and Upward!

Member since 2/08

3210 total posts

Name:

Re: Do you ever worry that...

I definitely worried how IF would affect my marriage, not because of DH's reactions but because of how distraught I was while going through it.

Posted 3/9/09 7:14 PM
 

-BabyMiracle-
When will my ship come in?

Member since 9/07

1056 total posts

Name:
J

Re: Do you ever worry that...

Posted by babyfaith

I definitely worried how IF would affect my marriage, not because of DH's reactions but because of how distraught I was while going through it.




This is how I feel. I do not handle this well at all. I am a complete and total mess at all times.

Luckily, my DH has dealt with enough crap in his life to know and understand and hope that this is just one more hurdle we have to overcome. Together. We don't play the blame game at all. We have MF, but we are married so we are infertile together.

Posted 3/9/09 7:29 PM
 

rose825
Best Friends

Member since 6/05

10228 total posts

Name:

Re: Do you ever worry that...

absolutely, and we were dealing with secondary IF. But it was like it was this black cloud over us. It consumed usChat Icon

Posted 3/9/09 8:42 PM
 

WNA01
my 2 boys

Member since 10/08

4240 total posts

Name:

Re: Do you ever worry that...

I think IF has made our relationship stronger. B4 we were ttc we were just a reg couple who hardly had any worries. Once we started ttc and dealt with IF issues and mcs we just grew stronger as a couple for each other.

Posted 3/9/09 10:08 PM
 

MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!

Member since 2/07

7254 total posts

Name:

Re: Do you ever worry that...

Absolutely. After we were told that IUIs wouldn't work for us and it was IVF or nothing... I thought we were over. Chat Icon It was either we were over (if he didn't give in), or our chance at a family was over (if I did give in)... and the thought of both were absolutely heartbreaking. Chat Icon Thank God my DH saw me fall completely apart, and on the spot changed his mind, after telling me for well over a year that he'd NEVER agree to IVF. Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon That in itself brought us together stronger than we've ever been, and going through all that IVF entails (not to mention IF) made us stronger as a couple.
We're struggling right now... though I'm doing my best to keep quiet for now... until I know what's what with these last few claims that are still in process.
DH and I have VERY different views on what our next steps should be. At this point I think he feels that we've done all we can, and exhausted our benefits trying, and still haven't had success... so his view is to trust in God. And my view is I am trusting in God, and he's telling me to... (insert next steps here- though honestly I don't have any right now, but there just have to be some...) it's putting us in a very bad position, and one that I'm just kind of leaning back on for now rather than having an in depth conversation that I know is going to lead to a big argument. Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon That that does not kill us makes us stronger (or something like that Chat Icon) right? Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon
ETA: it took me a while to get back here but I realized that I never actually answered your question. Chat Icon
No, at this point in our journey I honestly don't think that IF could break us. I think at the end of the day it may mean we have no kids Chat Icon or that we go a different route to have our family, but I feel confident enough in our marriage and how far we've come and how much closer we are as a result of our journey- so no matter what our final outcome is, we'll make it thru it. Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Message edited 3/11/2009 8:32:00 AM.

Posted 3/9/09 10:19 PM
 

Daisy32
Mommy

Member since 2/08

8081 total posts

Name:

Re: Do you ever worry that...

Posted by KrisT


DH always jokes around that it is a "uter-US" and not a "uter-I" Chat Icon Chat Icon



Thats the sweetest thing I've ever heard Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 3/10/09 8:07 AM
 

shiv
Twinsanity!!

Member since 5/07

4747 total posts

Name:
Shiv

Re: Do you ever worry that...

It has brought us closer. Before, we were just a married couple dealing with everyday responsibilities. Now we've met our first challenge in our marriage and we've come together to work through it side by side. I'm not saying it's been easy AT ALL! We've had our blow outs and it's caused a great deal of stress BUT we always come back to being full of support and love for eachother and helping eachother through this. We love eachother so much it would be hard to break that down.

EFS

Message edited 3/10/2009 9:07:53 AM.

Posted 3/10/09 9:00 AM
 

shiv
Twinsanity!!

Member since 5/07

4747 total posts

Name:
Shiv

Re: Do you ever worry that...

Posted by hopeandfaith75

Yes! I wonder this a lot. I tell DH that if he had married someone else he would have kids by now since I am the reason that we are having IF issues. I sometimes think he will get sick of this and leave me for someone who can actually have kidsChat Icon



Oh no, don't think that! DH married YOU not your future children. I truely doubt he wants a wife just for breeding, he wanted YOU. Chat Icon

Posted 3/10/09 9:02 AM
 

JennyPenny
?

Member since 1/08

12702 total posts

Name:
Jen

Re: Do you ever worry that...

While we were dating I went through endometriosis and had 2 surgeries for it and went through menopause for 6 months. I thought for sure he was goona run for the hills when it was too painful to be intimate and when I was a raging beast from 6 months of Lupron.

We were dealing with my IF way before we were even married. I had a miscarriage before we were married. We started seeing th RE before we were married. I asked him millions of times if he wanted out so he wouldn't have to deal with all of this. He always assured me we were in this together and he wasn't going anywhere. Don't get me wrong- he definitely got frustrated with me a zillion times and we had our share of arguments, but he always stood behind me 100% and let me take the lead and decide which next steps were right for ME.

He was always supportive and we have already been through so much in our 7 years together. I think we are definitely closer than most couples who haven't had any struggles yet.

Posted 3/10/09 9:14 AM
 

DRMom
Two in Blue

Member since 5/05

20223 total posts

Name:
Melissa

Re: Do you ever worry that...

Posted by shiv

It has brought us closer. Before, we were just a married couple dealing with everyday responsibilities. Now we've met our first challenge in our marriage and we've come together to work through it side by side. I'm not saying it's been easy AT ALL! We've had our blow outs and it's caused a great deal of stress BUT we always come back to being full of support and love for eachother and helping eachother through this. We love eachother so much it would be hard to break that down.

EFS



Very similar for us. In actuality I feel like IF helped my DH and I become the people we are: strong, smart and willing to do whatever it took. The clincher is that my DH would have been happy not having children so he pretty much did this for me(and our family) Of course now the boys are here he couldn't picture it any other way but I will always remember thatChat Icon

Posted 3/10/09 9:36 AM
 

spooks
So in love!

Member since 6/06

4378 total posts

Name:
Sarah

Re: Do you ever worry that...

I was and am sometimes worried about this - but I do feel it has gotten us closer and made us stronger. We've had a few big blow outs, but I feel they had to happen and made us closer - it reveleaed alot about how we were both feeling. It definitely still sometimes puts a strain on the relationship, but I think overall we've learned more about each other, seen different sides, and stregnthened our marriage - it still is a lonely process, but it also helps to feel like a team.

Posted 3/11/09 2:29 PM
 
 

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