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Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

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Paramount
Sweet!

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Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/8217-m-expecting-twins-8212-feel-ruined-family-145000091.html


My husband recently wrote about our struggle with the news that we're expecting twins, the result of an IVF performed with the goal of adding just one more child to our family. His essay received a lot of comments - mostly negative. While I share my husband's sentiments, I wanted to tell my own version of our experience.

We currently have a three-and-a-half-year-old son. While my pregnancy with him was relatively easy, we were hit with severe colic during his first year that wreaked havoc on our lives. We've pretty much had struggles with sleep and behavior ever since.

Yet despite these challenges, we still wanted another child - a sibling for our son, mind you, not so much for us. We spent the next two years trying to conceive. Every month when I would get my period, I didn't just feel grief or disappointment - I was losing hope. I was exhausted and depressed. The emotional pain was incomprehensible to me. I was eroding as a person, losing weight and not being the best mom, wife, or professional.

Thoughts started running through my head: I may be old, but I am a healthy, good person. How could the universe not give me another child? Why must I suffer? What is the lesson behind all of this, if indeed everything happens for a reason?

Then my husband and I elected to pursue an aggressive fertility plan, and I found myself once again hopeful - for about a week. Nothing was wrong health-wise with either of us, and yet even with a gradual variety of treatments it was still not happening. So we tried IVF.

The doctors had discussed two options we could take with IVF: either one strong embryo and one not-so-strong embryo would be implanted or two okay embryos would be implanted, with the hope that one would take. Knowing this, my husband and I agreed to transfer both embryos. But the day of transfer my doctor said: "Good news! You have one stellar embryo and one really good one."

Related: 29 things you should NEVER say to a pregnant woman

I froze. Two strong embryos was a game changer, and I was panicking. We knew we only wanted one more child; the thought of having two - now a real possibility - was emotionally and financially overwhelming. But the other voice in my head was the hopeless me, the altered me with articles and data swimming in my head about how IVF does not work the first round, how statistically the chances are so much better if two embryos were transferred.

My doctor asked if I should call my husband to help decide whether we wanted to transfer just one embryo. Were we to do this, the doctor said the success rate of just one implantation was 40 percent, while transferring two embryos increased the chances of success to 65 percent. I was at rock bottom and desperate to be pregnant. I didn't know how much more treatment I could take. So I made the final call: we transferred both embryos.

Weeks later, I lay on the table - dazed and unhappy - as I received the news that there were two healthy sacs present. We were pregnant with twins - twin boys, we'd find out later. In my mind I had done nothing less than ruin our family.

Why am I not overwrought with joy? Well, it sure doesn't help that I feel like shit pretty much all of the time physically. The twin pregnancy has slowed me down and I can't care for my son the way I used to: I can't get on the floor, I can't bend over, I can't pick him up, I can't run after him. The low iron and gestational diabetes only add to the fatigue. During my first singleton pregnancy I was working out, working full time, taking a class at night, and keeping up with many of the household responsibilities - and that was when my husband and I only had ourselves to take care of. Now my husband is doing everything and running himself into the ground.

I don't want to read the message boards that talk about what a joy twins are and how it's so worth it and how "this too will pass" and what a blessing it is. When I complain that this pregnancy feels extremely more difficult than my first one, I don't want to hear another doctor say, "Well it's different - there are two." None of this makes me feel any better. Quite frankly, it just pisses me off.

Before pursuing fertility I was a positive person, a cheerleader type with the mindset that everything happens for a reason. Now I find my mindset has shifted. While I am grateful we are pregnant, I am changed. There has been too much pain, too much struggle, and not enough learning. The "glass half full" person is no longer. The twins are coming fast, and I don't feel a sense of joy. Instead, I feel responsible. We only wanted one.

I wonder how much strain having two infants at the same time will put on my marriage and older son. We are not rich. We work hard to provide a good life for our son, and we have dreams, as all families do, of going to Disney, college, etc. I worry about how much of our attention and resources will be taken away from our firstborn. We also now need a bigger car and a bigger house. What had I done?

I thought of colic, and the change that postpartum depression had inflicted on me the first time around. Why would the universe, God, karma, whatever, whomever think it was a good idea to bring forth twins in our lives? When would anything go my way? Before I had children, it seems like it used to.

Now, seven months into my pregnancy - and in therapy - I still feel remorse and am terrified of our future. When I chose to plant both embryos, I made a decision that forever impacted our lives, and not necessarily for the better. The shrink says I am transferring my memories of my first challenging infant experience to these unborn babies. Maybe I am; the old me would naively think that there's no way these babies could be as bad, but the new me is expecting the worst.

I completely acknowledge that for many, the journey to conceive is more difficult than our story. I realize better people than me are out there feeling joyful and benefiting from a far sunnier perspective. For anyone who is worried about me and my husband, our son brings us a ton of joy. We are always amazed by how much we love him, and I'm sure this indescribable love will extend to his brothers. But for now, I'm having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

-By Paula Garland



...

Posted 6/28/13 1:08 PM
 
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JDubs
2 years flew!

Member since 7/09

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Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

Chat Icon i don't really have anything nice to say so i'll just leave it at that.

Posted 6/28/13 1:14 PM
 

mrsm-2011
He's here <3

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Theresa

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

Posted by JDubs

Chat Icon i don't really have anything nice to say so i'll just leave it at that.



yep me too

Posted 6/28/13 1:19 PM
 

Lillies
Thank you Blessed Mother

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<3

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

Me three!!! Chat Icon

Posted 6/28/13 1:22 PM
 

Otherme
Square head cutie pants

Member since 3/06

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Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

this line says it all to me:
"The twins are coming fast, and I don't feel a sense of joy. Instead, I feel responsible. We only wanted one. "

WELL THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE ONLY IMPLANTED ONE EMBRYO!!!
Chat Icon Chat Icon
wah, she feels responsible. No shiit sherlock, that's what happens when you have kids

Posted 6/28/13 1:24 PM
 

ElizaRags35
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Me

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

Posted by JDubs

Chat Icon i don't really have anything nice to say so i'll just leave it at that.



Yup. I have words in my head but they'll just be **** out here.

Posted 6/28/13 1:25 PM
 

alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!

Member since 5/09

12787 total posts

Name:
Allison

Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

I get some of her feelings though.

I had a HORRIBLE pregnancy, went through fertility treatments and had a horrible first 3 months after DS was born.

I understand her fear. I am petrified to have another baby. I dont want too go through all that again. But I do want to have another baby. When I do get pregnant again I am sure I willhave these fears she has. It took a toll on my relationship and I wonder if it all happens again wil we make it through.....

THe decision she made with implanting two....she knew that there was a possibility and I think you need to be OK with that before you even start the process.

Posted 6/28/13 1:28 PM
 

AngnShaun
Rest In Peace Frosch!! <3

Member since 1/10

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Ang

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

Posted by Lillies

Me three!!! Chat Icon



me 4

Posted 6/28/13 1:32 PM
 

Pomegranate5
LIF Adult

Member since 2/11

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Pomegranate5

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

Posted by JDubs

Chat Icon i don't really have anything nice to say so i'll just leave it at that.



My thoughts exactly.

I get the feeling that if I knew these people IRL I wouldn't like them at all.

It's like these people refuse to even TRY to have even a shred of optimism. Those poor babies. Chat Icon

Posted 6/28/13 1:34 PM
 

StaceyWill
It's a girl!!!

Member since 6/10

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Stacey

Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

They didn't WANT another child, they just wanted a sibling for their son. IMO, they should never have gotten pregnant agan. I just hope that these babies don't suffer because of their a$$hole parents.

Message edited 6/28/2013 1:38:03 PM.

Posted 6/28/13 1:35 PM
 

MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!

Member since 5/06

12457 total posts

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Marisa

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

I don't understand the need to put this out there for the whole world to read .....some things are private, some feelings are private - apparently with these two, NOTHING is sacred.

I can understand freaking out b/c you wanted one and now you're getting 2 - I would be a mess! It could happen naturally as well !

I don't think she's a horrible person, or a horrible mother - I think she's scared, and nervoous and I think she has every right to those feelings - I just don't think WE all need to know how she feels about it .......Chat Icon

Message edited 6/28/2013 1:37:54 PM.

Posted 6/28/13 1:36 PM
 

saraH
happy birthday sweet kate!

Member since 5/05

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I know that God exsists, I held her in my arms...

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

She goes out of her way to say the baby was to be a sibling for their son. She never once says she wanted another child.

I can't imagine living my life like that. These people need help. They are going to resent those poor children for their whole lives.

Posted 6/28/13 1:38 PM
 

MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!

Member since 5/06

12457 total posts

Name:
Marisa

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

Posted by saraH

She goes out of her way to say the baby was to be a sibling for their son. She never once says she wanted another child.

I can't imagine living my life like that. These people need help. They are going to resent those poor children for their whole lives.



her reason for wanting another child was to give her son a sibling - I don't understand why that's terrible?
is that not a good enough reason? What IS a good enough reason? "just b/c I want one?" - I can tell you that I love BOTH of my boys and thank god for them every single day - I can also tell you that my life was significantly 'easier' with just one child - that's just a simple fact. ONE person to take care of and raise is very different from two or three -

I have friends who say they feel terrible they're not giving their son a sibling - she says it she feels horrible every single day and worries that she's making a horribly selfish decision - but she just can't handle another child. - No one tells her she's a disgusting human being b/c she chooses not to have more children.

So, THIS woman decided that instead she WOULD give her son a sibling b/c she felt it was important for him -

I'm not following why this is a bad thing -

Message edited 6/28/2013 1:47:23 PM.

Posted 6/28/13 1:46 PM
 

MrsPJB2007
HOMEOWNERS!!!!!

Member since 7/06

11752 total posts

Name:
MJ

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

Posted by MarisaK

I don't understand the need to put this out there for the whole world to read .....some things are private, some feelings are private - apparently with these two, NOTHING is sacred.

I can understand freaking out b/c you wanted one and now you're getting 2 - I would be a mess! It could happen naturally as well !

I don't think she's a horrible person, or a horrible mother - I think she's scared, and nervoous and I think she has every right to those feelings - I just don't think WE all need to know how she feels about it .......Chat Icon




The only thing I can think of is they put it out there to let others who might have the same fears or feelings know that they are not alone. Perhaps not reading something like this from someone going through it, made it harder on them mentally/emotionally? So I assume they are wanting to let other couples out there know that they aren't alone.

Posted 6/28/13 1:46 PM
 

HomeIsWithU
Love my little man <3

Member since 9/07

4180 total posts

Name:
J

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

I hope when these children grow up they don't ever stumble upon these articles. What a horrible horrible thing to know that your own parents didn't want you and for 9 months dreaded the day that you would be born.

Posted 6/28/13 1:51 PM
 

ali120206
2 Boys

Member since 7/06

12476 total posts

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Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

I think they should have stopped at the first article - this article just makes it worse.

I feel bad for the twins - if they ever do a google search, they will see just how unwanted they were - even if their parents feelings change once they meet them!

Posted 6/28/13 1:52 PM
 

sameinitials
insert creative comment here

Member since 2/12

1240 total posts

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Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

I really see nothing wrong with this, except for the fact that her name is attached to it. If it were anonymous, I'd be all for it.

I think she is really brave to admit this, and I'd guess that a lot of women feel the same way but are afraid to say it.

Posted 6/28/13 2:01 PM
 

jams92

Member since 1/12

5006 total posts

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Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

Posted by MarisaK

I don't understand the need to put this out there for the whole world to read .....some things are private, some feelings are private - apparently with these two, NOTHING is sacred.

I can understand freaking out b/c you wanted one and now you're getting 2 - I would be a mess! It could happen naturally as well !

I don't think she's a horrible person, or a horrible mother - I think she's scared, and nervoous and I think she has every right to those feelings - I just don't think WE all need to know how she feels about it .......Chat Icon



ITA with this but think maybe she posted this so others know its ok to feel scared because everything out there just says how happy and joyful pregnancy should be. i dont agree that she wrote it but perhaps that is why she wrote it.

I was fortunate that i had a great pregnancy and therefore im looking fwd to doing it again, but i know if i was sick and miserable and suffering from post postpartum depression and having a baby with colic i wouldnt be as excited to have another and i would probably feel the same way - but i would do it because i want more than one child and i want DD to have a sibling. to be honest, even with a good pregnancy if i got pregnant with twins naturally i would be panicking, nervous, scared about the toll it iwll take on my relationship with DH, and on us financially etc.

she did end the article saying that she will love
the twins as much as she loves her first son - this is just how she is feeling now.

lets hope when they are born she does feel that love and joy that she is missing now...and lets hope her kids never see this article

Message edited 6/28/2013 2:14:56 PM.

Posted 6/28/13 2:12 PM
 

AScottWolf
I <3 our squish!

Member since 11/10

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Adriana

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

I might be the odd ball out.

I don't see this woman as a bad person or as a bad mother. Should she have thought twice about the real possibility of having twins? Yes. Absolutely. However, at least from what I get from the article, she was desperate and terrified. Is it the "right" reason to make the decision she did? Eh, I don't think it's my place to decide that.

As for why she wrote this article, perhaps it was hard for her to sit back and read what the responses were to her husbands article w/o speaking her side. Honestly, I would never even know about this article if it weren't for here. Also, I think the fact that she is in therapy talking about these issues is a big deal. She's not ignoring her feelings. Not only is she acknowledging them, she's looking for help because either she knows they aren't "right" or they are causing her a significant amount of stress and she doesn't want that to effect her babies. Hopefully she'll continue therapy and find a way to talk to her children about her feelings before they read this on their own.

I also don't see what's so wrong with having another child so you're son has a sibling to grow up with. I'm 30w pregnant now but the plan is to have another child. Having another so my future son has a sibling is a MAJOR reason I want another kid. I grew up as an only child and it was great in certain ways but it royally s*cked in other ways.

Posted 6/28/13 2:14 PM
 

DRMom
Two in Blue

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Melissa

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

Great! 2 selfish, self-centered azzholes found each other and are now pro-creating!Chat Icon

Posted 6/28/13 2:22 PM
 

EatingMyVeggies

Member since 1/12

4362 total posts

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Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

Posted by MrsPJB2007

Posted by MarisaK

I don't understand the need to put this out there for the whole world to read .....some things are private, some feelings are private - apparently with these two, NOTHING is sacred.

I can understand freaking out b/c you wanted one and now you're getting 2 - I would be a mess! It could happen naturally as well !

I don't think she's a horrible person, or a horrible mother - I think she's scared, and nervoous and I think she has every right to those feelings - I just don't think WE all need to know how she feels about it .......Chat Icon




The only thing I can think of is they put it out there to let others who might have the same fears or feelings know that they are not alone. Perhaps not reading something like this from someone going through it, made it harder on them mentally/emotionally? So I assume they are wanting to let other couples out there know that they aren't alone.




I agree.

Even if I don't agree with views, I like to read the thoughts or feelings that aren't normally revealed

It's what makes people not perfect. I also think by writing and sharing, it provides them a way to help others not feel alone, but it's also cathartic. Sharing it is different than a journal entry.

So while I don't like her view, I'm still interested. I bet many feel that way but can't share with friends or family.

Posted 6/28/13 2:26 PM
 

starr
little whale on the way

Member since 6/10

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Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

Posted by sameinitials

I really see nothing wrong with this, except for the fact that her name is attached to it. If it were anonymous, I'd be all for it.

I think she is really brave to admit this, and I'd guess that a lot of women feel the same way but are afraid to say it.



couldnt have agreed more.

as someone who is going thru fertility treatments I can see exactly see where she is coming from. I do not have children yet unfortunately, and cant wait to have them. But this process has killed me emotionally. I have never been a positive person, but gong thru this experience made even more pesimistic. thinking abt pregnancy for me now is progestorone, estrogen, sacs and all the rest of the crap. It's horrible.
I am dreading getting pregnant at this point as much as not ever having children. I feel like I have been traumatized, and my trauma keeps happening to me with each period I get. Makes me feel like a failure as a human being on daily basis. and my story isnt even that special, on here there are many more women who had much bigger and much more horrible things happen to them on their road to having a baby.

So I really do not understand this hate towards this woman and her husband who by the sound of it are just freaking out after going thru many struggles on all fronts. We shld all just feel bad for them and give them vibes that it all will work out better than ever for this family. After all they shared their story, which is not that different with celebs sharing post partum and mesectomy stories and we all peg them as brave to talk abt such tabu issues.

Posted 6/28/13 2:37 PM
 

secretlyTTCagain
LIF Adult

Member since 1/13

969 total posts

Name:
finally :)

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

I would feel a little more pity for her if the article was the same, but being sure she only wanted one she decided just to put back one and it split and she ended up pregnant with identical twins. But, I cant help but roll my eyes at this article when she went with two great looking embryos knowing she absolutely wanted one child.

I would never normally say "oh she should just adopt" but if she feels this badly about two, and I also remember from the other article that they wanted a girl, that maybe adoption would have been a better fit for their "needs."

In any event, hopefully they are just super stressed and will be happy and love the twins once they are born. I just wish they didnt publish this with their names...

Posted 6/28/13 2:39 PM
 

Hofstra26
Emerson & Grayden

Member since 7/06

17117 total posts

Name:
Kristen

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

I don't know, to me she just sounds like a very pregnant, very tired mommy who has very normal fears about having multiples. I guess it's all how you interpret the article. I think she's expressing normal fears and stress as the twins birth approaches. I honestly can't say I wouldn't be $hitting a brick if I found at I was having twins at some point. I would love them no different than the kids I already have and would feel equally as blessed BUT intially, I would be terrified of how I would manage two babies at once, how it would change things for the family, the cost, etc. I think she has very real, very normal fears about having multiples.

And being pregnant with twins can't be easy. Being pregnant with one while chasing after a 4 yr old was hard enough, being pregnant with twins would make it that much harder. I think once the babies are born and she is feeling better physically (and mentally) she will be overjoyed and happy. One look at those babies and she will probably wonder why she ever felt the way she did. I think when you're in the midst of being very pregnant (and feeling like hell physically) and you don't know what to expect it can be hard to see the forest through the trees. KWIM?

I don't think she's a bad person for admitting her fears and reservations about having twins, I just think she's human

ETA - I tried for a looooong time to conceive our DS and it was not an easy road. When I found out I was pregnant I was beyond happy but at the same time, scared to death. I was so afraid that another baby would ruin my DDs life. What if she felt displaced? What if she resented him? I was nervous about how we'd have to adjust our lives........again and how we'd manage with two. I couldn't imagine loving someone else as much as I loved my DD. It was scary. I was nervous. I think we all have those fears, this woman just spoke out publically.

Now that my DS is here, I can barely remember what it was like before him. My DD adores him, DH and I are madly in love with him and our family feels perfect and complete. I knew in the end that's how we'd feel but it doesn't mean I wasn't nervous along the way.

Message edited 6/28/2013 2:54:25 PM.

Posted 6/28/13 2:44 PM
 

ElizaRags35
My smushy face is here!

Member since 2/09

14720 total posts

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Me

Re: Remember the article written by the husband who did NOT want twins? The wife speaks now.

Posted by secretlyTTCagain

I would feel a little more pity for her if the article was the same, but being sure she only wanted one she decided just to put back one and it split and she ended up pregnant with identical twins. But, I cant help but roll my eyes at this article when she went with two great looking embryos knowing she absolutely wanted one child.

I would never normally say "oh she should just adopt" but if she feels this badly about two, and I also remember from the other article that they wanted a girl, that maybe adoption would have been a better fit for their "needs."

In any event, hopefully they are just super stressed and will be happy and love the twins once they are born. I just wish they didnt publish this with their names...



ITA

Posted 6/28/13 2:54 PM
 
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