Is Christmas really hard for you?

It's suppose to be such a happy time but since the passing of my dad last October last Christmas and this season as well have been really tough. My DS was two months when he passed, he missed his first Christmas and every other one that will come, he will miss the birth of my son in March. He is missing out on all these joyous events. It's an odd feeling, on one hand I am so happy to have these moments with my son, my heart is bursting with joy. We had a really hard childhood and now as an adult I am finally feeling the Christmas spirit by watching my son and doing all these firsts with him but on the other hand, my heart hurts that my dad is missing everything. I get angry, this isn't fair. He would have enjoyed all of this. The sad Christmas songs, I can't listen to them

Re: Is Christmas really hard for you?

I was just coming on here to post and see how everyone was doing this holiday season.

to you. It's rough, it sucks, I have times where I wish I could flip the calendar to next year. But at the same time, I feel like not doing anything to celebrate would be wrong too. It's a very back-and-forth thing.

I lost my grandpa suddenly over the summer...two days before my 30th birthday. I spent my birthday at the funeral home with my mom and sister, planning the arrangements. I've never had to deal with a sudden death before - everyone else who has passed away in the family had been ill for awhile; it was expected, that sort of thing.

I miss him terribly. He was like a second dad to me. And while he lived in FL and I'm in NYC, we would talk, and e-mail...and as my immediate family is also in FL, I would visit a few times a year and see him.

So this year, the holidays are really hard. We're not sending out Christmas cards...we got a tree - I was on the fence, but DH said that we really should get one, so we did...we did some decorating, we've watched funny Christmas movies, I'll probably bake cookies this weekend...just kind of 'going through the motions' of the holidays, if you will.

And I've had meltdowns; one of them lasted from Friday night through Saturday afternoon. I'm starting to think that maybe I should seek counseling to help with all sorts of feelings I have...guilt, anger, sadness, bargaining...at the same time, I think it's all heightened because of the holidays, and the whole time that I'm thinking weird things like 'this is the first time I've watched Rudolph in my life and...my grandpa isn't here', I'm also trying to focus on the positive: my sister is due in a few weeks and I will follow up that thought with 'this is the last time I will watch Rudolph before I become an aunt!'

It suuuuuuuuucccccccccccccks. There is no other way to put it. It kind of feels like a chore this year; I'm sure you know what I mean by that. But I have faith that next year will be a little easier, and the following one even more easy...

Message edited 12/13/2011 8:48:41 AM.

Re: Is Christmas really hard for you?

Your dad might not be next to you enjoying your holiday season with you physically, but he is with you enjoying it all the same.
Good luckt o you in March with the birth of your DS and i assure you, Your dad will be the one guiding him into your arms.

Re: Is Christmas really hard for you?

I'm having a hard time this year too. My dad passed away in July.

I'm just going through the motions this year. I usually really enjoy putting up the tree, decorating and wrapping. This year I just wanted it over with.

Really not looking forward to Christmas day and I feel like I should be for DDs sake.

Re: Is Christmas really hard for you?

This is the third Christmas since my brother died and it is the first year it feels like Christmas...it is the first year that I did not spend the entire week before crying and my family is finally starting to build new traditions. It still hurts and I miss him like crazy but this year it is just a little easier.