I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

I am so fed up with my family, I can't even begin to tell you.

My family is not warm, lovey-dovey, and i understand that.

I know that I am a 3rd class citizen for the most part in my family. My stepmother has made sure her kids and their husbands have come first to my dad, and their kids have come 1st as well. My dad is a passive man, and while I don't doubt he loves me, has absolutely no way of showing it, and seems to not even make an effort. My family turned a blind eye when I was being raised by a mentally ill and abusive woman, and I know that they live with that guilt every day. I have managed to grow and move on from that, but I am not sure if they have....

My dad's mother - my grandmother - although I love her, and is 85, also is similar. She is wrapped up in her new boyfriend, which is wonderful, they are in love, but she has forgotten about Cailen's bday party because of him, which is fine, I understand, but something recently happened that really has affected me forever.

On sunday, we got together for mother's day with my grandmother, my dad, stepmom, stepsister and her kids. Also, my 2nd cousin was there. She was never married (she must be in her 60's) and has had a tough life. She had drug problems when she was younger (really bad) and wound up recovering and being a counselor for drug addicts. she is a remarkable, wonderful woman. So sweet.

She had a boyfriend for 20 years who also was recovered drug addict. I have a feeling they went through recovery together. They were a wonderful couple and I really liked him a lot. He once told me that my cousin is the ONE person in the world that he would do anything for. And the love in his eyes when he told me this made me want to cry.


Well, my poor cousin. On Sunday, after she came home from mother's day dinner with us, she found him dead in the house.


Well, I found out yetserday about it.



My stepmom called me, "I'm not sure you knew because i didn't see you at the wake or funeral, but (and then she told me the story)"

She told me my grandma called them right away.

I asked why I never found out about it.

She said to ask grandma. I called my grandmother and left her a message, never heard from her.

I called my dad and asked him. He said he didn't find out until Wednesday. I told him then WHY did I find out on Friday. He didn't know. He thought I knew. I asked him if he thought it was weird that he didn't SEE me at the wake or funeral. He told me he didn't even think about it.

I was very mad. I think I even said something like if I was ever kept in the loop about anything in this family, I would probably drop dead myself.

DH thought that MAYBE I shouldn't have said that. But I don't care. Its one thing to be left out of a dinner my family has together, or a boat ride with everyone except me - but someone dying?

I wanted to be there for my cousin. She always sent a gift or a card for Cailen. She always has a smile and is such a good person.

clearly, my family has issues, and I have learned to accept them for the most part. Hell, the fact that there are so many druggies in my family screams something loud and clear. I have grown and learned from this family to make sure I am the best mother I could be for my son.

but seriously, for some reason, this was the last straw for me....



I don't know what I'm looking for on here, I'm so upset.

Message edited 5/17/2008 10:11:53 AM.

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

I'm sorry you're hurting, Liza.

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

I am so sorry to hear about all of this, and especially for the loss in your family...it's ok to vent (I know you know that!) and I hope you feel better. I know you love your cousin, and your being there for her from now on will be invaluable to her...you can explain what happened later...it definitely sounds like you are making a terrific life for you and your family and you know that living well is the best revenge...have some of these and hope you are feeling better soon...

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

Liza, I am so sorry! I really have no advice but can offer some

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

I don't usually respond to things like this, but this made me very sad for you. How dare them. I would send a card to your cousin and explain that you were never told. Everyone can say forget about them, they are not worth it (they're not) but a part of everyone wants the acceptance and love of their parents. I hope you find some peace with everything.

stephanie

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

I think it's crap. I'm so sorry this happened. You will need to address this on a bigger level. I hope you know that. They need an intervention and fast. They cannot continue to treat you this way. They are adults and need to act as such.

About your cousin, well I would reach out to her directly and go to her and be there for her now when she is the loneliest.

I'm so sorry.:

Message edited 5/17/2008 10:31:48 AM.

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

Posted by Blu-ize

I think it's crap. I'm so sorry this happened. You will need to address this on a bigger level. I hope you know that. They need an intervention and fast. They cannot continue to treat you this way. They are adults and need to act as such.

About your cousin, well I would reach out to her directly and go to her and be there for her now when she is the loneliest.

I'm so sorry.:

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. That is so not right & I would be very upset as you have a right to be.

You are such a good person. Send your cousin a card or visit her. Take her to lunch or dinner and just be there for her.

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

This totally sucks. I think you have to do just what you did, reach out to your cousin and keep reaching out.

As far as your family, I don't think there is much you can do and maybe just accepting that this is what it is, is the best thing. I know that is much easier said then done but, I'm not sure what the other options are.

From your posts, its obvious that you are a wonderful, caring person and a great mother. These people are the ones that are missing out big time. As for your cousin, it sounds like she gets the family dynamic, and all you can really do is just keep reaching out.

So sorry you had to go through this.

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

aww i don't know what else to say but sorry

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

Oh Liza..Im so sorry...

My only suggestion would be to call her..

Im sure she knows how the rest of the family is...

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

I can't believe these people!! I have read your other posts about them, and honestly, I have no words for this one. I am so mad and sad for you, it's terrible.

It seems that you are always the one to give and give and give, and try.. and nothing is reciprocated back to you. There is only so much a person can do until they give up. I know that you want your son to know his family, but it seems that so many interactions with them are hurtful, it's not right for you to go through this.

I think that a serious conversation needs to be had with your dad. He needs to know that not only does this hurt you, but this is eventually going to push you away.

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

Man that sucks! I am so sorry for you Liza. Thats terrible.

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this..

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

I'm really sorry.

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

I am really sorry! I know you are stuggling trying to do things right with all of them and you always end up behing short changed everytime.

You know how I feel. I cut the cord with my dad and one of my sisters. I need to be happy in my life. I don't want to chase people who don't care about me or love drama. I know it's sounds weird to people that I don't talk to them but I am truly happy now. It's been several years now. I feel I am no longer stressed to please the unpleasable.

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

You have every right to be upset. How do you not tell your daughter that a relative died? How do you not call when they don't show up to wake?

Let's say your dad (who isn't going to get off easy in my scenario) assumed your stepmother called. Don't you have conversation about it...how did Liza take it? Is she coming?, etc?

I realize I'm coming from a family where my mom updates me 3 times on the same thing, but ...ERRR...not nice!

This is straight out of Curb Your Enthusiasm....I think if it were me EVERY conversation I had with my stepmom, stepsister & father would start out with "Hi. Did anyone die today? I was just wondering...you know because YOU DIDN"T TELL ME that so&so's boyfriend died. Don't want to miss another family wake."

Call your second cousin. Explain that you just heard... make plans to get together with her and start having a relationship outside of your parents.


I'm sorry they didn't include you. It was a crappy thing to do.

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

I feel for you.

I have a great father who is also passive, he rarely calls. I love him to pieces but he just is into his own stuff and thinks its ok to just not pick up the phone. I've tried to address it many times, but it always goes back to me always making the effort. My mother and I haven't spoken in 3 years. She quit talking to her entire family. She has mental illness like yours, as well as a controlling husband; the combination of the two has made her cut everyone off.

I just add all of that because I can relate on many levels. Many will tell you to reach out, call, talk it through with your family. In my opinion, you can forgive, but that doesn't equate to being all sweet and picking up the phone to start the therapeutic healing with them. You aren't obligated to work it out all the time. If your family relationships are hurting you over and over to some degree you may want to let them go just a little. I know that's terrible, but when you are ready you will pick up the phone or talk to your Dad, meanwhile I don't think you owe them anything and you have a right to move on a little bit and add some distance for your own sanity and mental well being.

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

oh boy..... I'm so sorry....

sometimes family personalities can simply be unbearable... obviously, this is one of those times...

If I were you, I would be holding a major grudge against all the family members who were at the funeral and didn't contact you...

I would also be calling up your cousin, expressing your condolances, maybe bringing some home-cooked food to her, and mention in a 'by the way manner' that you're sorry you didn't attend the wake and funeral, but you didn't find out the horrible news until friday
be there for her, and skrew the rest of them!

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

wish i could say something to help.

as stated above: it seems like your cousin understands the family dynamics and i know that the relationship you have with her will continue to be strong.

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

I'm so sorry for you Liza and your cousins loss. I can't even comprehend the deplorable actions your family took by not informing you of this news

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin's loss. It really suks that you weren't told. My brother (my only living blood relative) is a cold fish. He still lives in the
house where we grew up and whenever neighbors pass away, he never calls me. As the saying goes "we can't chose our family".

Message edited 5/17/2008 10:24:26 PM.

Re: I know I'm being irrational, but I'm stll hurt, pi ssed, and sad... Warning, long and rambling vent...

That is really despicable. I'm so sorry Liza.