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Funkybutt
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dealing with bf's kids
I'm dating someone with 4 kids (4g, 6b, 9g, 11b). We've only been dating around 4 months, but we were friends before dating. I have a 9yo son and he seems totally fine with me dating (my ex has been dating someone for a year and a half so I guess he's used to someone else being in a parent's life).
However, some of my bf's kids are having issues toward me. My bf dated someone last year and they acted the same toward her. It's mostly the 11 year old - will roar in anger when he sees me, but then sometimes 30 minutes later he acts like nothing happened. The 2 littles mimic the bigger kids but I don't think they have an issue with me, really. The 9yo seems to really like me but she'll still get mad at her dad sometimes when I'm there. I get that there are a lot of kids and they want 1-on-1 time with each parent, which they get sometimes. And they sometimes ask him if he loves me and my son more than them - so I understand that it's not directed at me, per se, just anyone that would split his attention.
However, what I'm not able to navigate is the awful behavior. Of course my kid has issues sometimes, but generally he's a good kid. My bf's 6 yo is REALLY hard for me to take. He cries the second he doesn't get his way, he thinks it's funny to misbehave all the time and to get his siblings in trouble, etc. My bf thinks that he needs to be on ADHD meds (he described other behaviors that may possibly be the reason but his ex won't let him go on medication for 2 more years - for some weird reason).
And last night made me concerned. I walked through the door, the 11 yo saw me and growled, which frightened the 6 yo (who immediately started wailing b/c he got scared). My bf got onto the 11yo for scaring his brother and told him to take a break, so the 11yo got mad at me, came over to me and told me it was all my fault and I better watch out and tried to smack my arm but ended up slapping something I was holding. 15 minutes later everything was calm and the 11yo was talking to me like nothing happened.
Some things to note:
* the 11yo was also on ADHD meds at some point, but not anymore. They know he has anger control issues and they're working with him to self-regulate.
* The 6yo is practically blind. One eye is completely gone (glass eye) and limited vision in the other (but enough for him to walk, ride bikes, play on devices, etc). I sympathize but that still doesn't mean he needs to act like a baby and constantly do things to get others in trouble.
* Their mom was recently engaged and he lives with her (50/50 child custody). According to the kids, they yell a lot and punishment is swift. The ex now thinks it's important to make the kids afraid so the kids fall in line (she didn't believe those things when she was married to my bf). So - it's probably confusing to the kids to have the different parenting styles.
So - any tips on how I need to handle myself? I typically stay out of everything when he's interacting with his kids when it comes to redirection/misbehaviors. I'm an introverted person that's uncomfortable in a lot of situations so I try to blend in the background when stuff like that goes on. When they're being nice, I try to talk to them and show them attention/interest so they know I'm a nice person and that it might just be a good thing to have another adult around.
Message edited 6/11/2019 10:43:23 AM.
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Posted 6/11/19 10:02 AM  |
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b2b777
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Member since 9/09 4474 total posts
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dealing with bf's kids
Yikes -- I dont know that I have any advice other than Godspeed. But seriously this it a lot to take in for a child. Especially the 6 year old. Imagine being in their situation. Only thing I would say is if you think the behavior is more than just ordinary acting out suggest therapy so it all can be discussed and on the table. I understand why the mother wouldnt want to jump to ADHD meds if she thought it was an adjustment issue. I guess only time will tell.
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| Posted 6/11/19 10:19 AM |
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Funkybutt
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Member since 4/15 3049 total posts
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by b2b777
Yikes -- I dont know that I have any advice other than Godspeed. But seriously this it a lot to take in for a child. Especially the 6 year old. Imagine being in their situation. Only thing I would say is if you think the behavior is more than just ordinary acting out suggest therapy so it all can be discussed and on the table. I understand why the mother wouldnt want to jump to ADHD meds if she thought it was an adjustment issue. I guess only time will tell.
My bf has asked his ex repeatedly to allow the kids to go to therapy but she refuses. I know he can do it when he has them without her permission, but all the kids are involved in extra curricular activities and the parents help each other out during the "off" weeks - otherwise they'd never be able to work full time.
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| Posted 6/11/19 10:38 AM |
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
So, I've posted about my SO's son before. He has ADHD, and he is also bi-polar, among other issues. We have been together for just about 5 years, and it is a lot of work. If he had four kids that behaved that way I may have ended up in a looney bin at some point
All kidding aside, don't step back, we have worked with therapists and behaviorists, the kids need to see you and your SO as a united front. We actually work very well with his ex too. In fact, at their last meeting with his school (he goes to a therapeutic school) it was his ex who brought up how horribly his son treats me.
I do think maybe they should see a therapist. How long has he been divorced?
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| Posted 6/11/19 12:54 PM |
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Funkybutt
LIF Adult
Member since 4/15 3049 total posts
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by Straightarrow
I do think maybe they should see a therapist. How long has he been divorced?
They separated Dec 2016 and divorced a year later in 2017. The ex didn't date long before getting engaged - they started dating last June and got engaged in Jan. Wedding is in Oct. I think he's been living there since December.
What's weird is that she's a doctor (stroke victims) so I'm not sure why she's anti-therapy or ADHD medication for her 6yo if it's something that they need. However, to her, the kids behave when at her house so she doesn't see most of the bad behavior. The kids are scared to misbehave at her house b/c of her fiance so they let loose when at my bf's house. Transition days are usually really rough.
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| Posted 6/11/19 1:23 PM |
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JME78
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dealing with bf's kids
How often are you there when he has the kids?
I am sure its all very overwhelming for them.
If you have only been dating for 4 months I would probably spend less time with him when he has the kids - just to give them more time together and not have them feel like you are a threat to their relationship with their dad.
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| Posted 6/11/19 1:40 PM |
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StaceyWill
It's a girl!!!
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Stacey
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by JME78
How often are you there when he has the kids?
I am sure its all very overwhelming for them.
If you have only been dating for 4 months I would probably spend less time with him when he has the kids - just to give them more time together and not have them feel like you are a threat to their relationship with their dad.
I agree. All of this is very overwhelming to them. They just need some time. They are all so young.
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| Posted 6/11/19 1:55 PM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by StaceyWill
Posted by JME78
How often are you there when he has the kids?
I am sure its all very overwhelming for them.
If you have only been dating for 4 months I would probably spend less time with him when he has the kids - just to give them more time together and not have them feel like you are a threat to their relationship with their dad.
I agree. All of this is very overwhelming to them. They just need some time. They are all so young.
Agree. It's very early in the relationship. The kids have been through a lot it seems.
They probably just need more time to adjust to everything.
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| Posted 6/11/19 1:59 PM |
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by StaceyWill
Posted by JME78
How often are you there when he has the kids?
I am sure its all very overwhelming for them.
If you have only been dating for 4 months I would probably spend less time with him when he has the kids - just to give them more time together and not have them feel like you are a threat to their relationship with their dad.
I agree. All of this is very overwhelming to them. They just need some time. They are all so young.
Ehhhhh I disagree with this. If they are working being together, then her spending less time with them to spend MORE time with them is going to be silly in the long run.
What does your BF say about it all?
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| Posted 6/11/19 2:54 PM |
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Katareen
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by Straightarrow
Posted by StaceyWill
Posted by JME78
How often are you there when he has the kids?
I am sure its all very overwhelming for them.
If you have only been dating for 4 months I would probably spend less time with him when he has the kids - just to give them more time together and not have them feel like you are a threat to their relationship with their dad.
I agree. All of this is very overwhelming to them. They just need some time. They are all so young.
Ehhhhh I disagree with this. If they are working being together, then her spending less time with them to spend MORE time with them is going to be silly in the long run.
What does your BF say about it all?
I think you’re expecting way too much. If I was 8 years old and spent every other weekend with my dad, I’d be really pissed if some random woman was there all the time.
These kids went through a lot and they’re still healing emotionally. Not to mention one of them seems to have behavioral issues that they’re not even being treated for.
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| Posted 6/11/19 4:58 PM |
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Funkybutt
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Member since 4/15 3049 total posts
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by Straightarrow
Ehhhhh I disagree with this. If they are working being together, then her spending less time with them to spend MORE time with them is going to be silly in the long run.
What does your BF say about it all?
We're on exactly opposite kid schedules so we only see each other alone every other Sunday night after 4pm. We spend the night at each other's houses but usually go over after the kids are asleep and then leave in the morning for work.
My bf actually wants me to come over more than I do. He invited me to go camping with him and the kids 2 weekends ago (which was eye opening on the 6yo's behavior) but they all treated me well the whole trip. And he's invited me to hang out with them all weekend b/c he's having a family reunion. I'll turn his offer down to come over frequently so he can spend more time with his kids without me there - so he seems totally fine with the amount of contact.
I also bring my son over to hang out (on the few times we overlap) and they all get along really well.
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| Posted 6/11/19 5:03 PM |
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pnbplus1
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Mommy
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by Funkybutt
Posted by Straightarrow
I do think maybe they should see a therapist. How long has he been divorced?
They separated Dec 2016 and divorced a year later in 2017. The ex didn't date long before getting engaged - they started dating last June and got engaged in Jan. Wedding is in Oct. I think he's been living there since December.
What's weird is that she's a doctor (stroke victims) so I'm not sure why she's anti-therapy or ADHD medication for her 6yo if it's something that they need. However, to her, the kids behave when at her house so she doesn't see most of the bad behavior. The kids are scared to misbehave at her house b/c of her fiance so they let loose when at my bf's house. Transition days are usually really rough.
I don't know why she would be anti-therapy but as for the meds, the studies show that behavioral interventions work as well as meds in children that age. And, typically age 6 is the youngest age at which ADHD meds should be started, it shouldn't be plan A. Meds are not a "cure" for ADHD as ADHD is not just inattention or impulsivity but instead has to do with executive functioning and meds don't fix that.
How does your bf really know that the kids are scared to misbehave at her house? Even scared children misbehave unless the consequences for the behaviors are extreme. Kids behaving in one house but not the other is very common - your bf may benefit from some parent training (behavioral techniques that can help with his children's behaviors) bc kids are pretty adept at playing parents against each other and pushing boundaries based on expectations/consequences or lack thereof.
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| Posted 6/11/19 10:02 PM |
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Funkybutt
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Member since 4/15 3049 total posts
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by pnbplus1
How does your bf really know that the kids are scared to misbehave at her house? Even scared children misbehave unless the consequences for the behaviors are extreme. Kids behaving in one house but not the other is very common - your bf may benefit from some parent training (behavioral techniques that can help with his children's behaviors) bc kids are pretty adept at playing parents against each other and pushing boundaries based on expectations/consequences or lack thereof.
The kids say that her fiance yells at them a lot and his ex came out and said that she thinks it's important for the kids to be scared so they behave. I'm not sure about all the details of what the kids say to him but I have heard them say they're afraid of him and they don't like the yelling.
They can certainly parent any way they decide (which unfortunately doesn't sound like they're on the same page). However, I'm mostly curious about how I should behave when I'm with them (especially since we'll all be taking a camping trip for a week in August - including my son). I don't want to "tattle" when I see the 6yo misbehaving but he seems to get away with a lot of bad behavior and it's difficult for me to take. It's also not my role to parent them since the relationship is so new, but I have spoken up when it's directed at me (or the rare time it's directed at my son).
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| Posted 6/12/19 9:08 AM |
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BargainMama
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Member since 5/09 15657 total posts
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dealing with bf's kids
Honestly, I would walk away. Probably not a popular opinion, but that seems stressful and not worth it in the long run.
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| Posted 6/12/19 9:19 AM |
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by Katareen
Posted by Straightarrow
Posted by StaceyWill
Posted by JME78
How often are you there when he has the kids?
I am sure its all very overwhelming for them.
If you have only been dating for 4 months I would probably spend less time with him when he has the kids - just to give them more time together and not have them feel like you are a threat to their relationship with their dad.
I agree. All of this is very overwhelming to them. They just need some time. They are all so young.
Ehhhhh I disagree with this. If they are working being together, then her spending less time with them to spend MORE time with them is going to be silly in the long run.
What does your BF say about it all?
I think you’re expecting way too much. If I was 8 years old and spent every other weekend with my dad, I’d be really pissed if some random woman was there all the time.
These kids went through a lot and they’re still healing emotionally. Not to mention one of them seems to have behavioral issues that they’re not even being treated for.
Considering I've lived this, I don't think I am expecting too much.
My son was 7 and my SO's son was 6 when we met. They met each other, and us when we were together about 4 months. And we've spent every weekend together for the past 5 years. Consistency is key
Sorry for the hijack OP
ETA: We live together now, I meant the kids have spent all their weekends together
Message edited 6/12/2019 9:27:08 AM.
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| Posted 6/12/19 9:23 AM |
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pnbplus1
Family
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Mommy
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by Funkybutt
Posted by pnbplus1
How does your bf really know that the kids are scared to misbehave at her house? Even scared children misbehave unless the consequences for the behaviors are extreme. Kids behaving in one house but not the other is very common - your bf may benefit from some parent training (behavioral techniques that can help with his children's behaviors) bc kids are pretty adept at playing parents against each other and pushing boundaries based on expectations/consequences or lack thereof.
The kids say that her fiance yells at them a lot and his ex came out and said that she thinks it's important for the kids to be scared so they behave. I'm not sure about all the details of what the kids say to him but I have heard them say they're afraid of him and they don't like the yelling.
They can certainly parent any way they decide (which unfortunately doesn't sound like they're on the same page). However, I'm mostly curious about how I should behave when I'm with them (especially since we'll all be taking a camping trip for a week in August - including my son). I don't want to "tattle" when I see the 6yo misbehaving but he seems to get away with a lot of bad behavior and it's difficult for me to take. It's also not my role to parent them since the relationship is so new, but I have spoken up when it's directed at me (or the rare time it's directed at my son).
It is so sad when a parent (or soon to be step-parent) thinks instilling fear is the way to get respect and to discipline :(
I don't know that you should say anything when you see one of them misbehaving unless it's directed at you or your son or affects your son directly. You're not their parent, that's their dad's role and responsibility. I see it as somewhat similar to how I wouldn't "tattle" on the child of a friend or try to parent that child unless I saw an unsafe situation.
It doesn't sound easy. Work on having positive experiences with the kids and accepting them as they are for now. You can have more of a positive influence on them when you have a stronger bond with them.
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| Posted 6/12/19 9:24 AM |
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by Funkybutt
Posted by Straightarrow
Ehhhhh I disagree with this. If they are working being together, then her spending less time with them to spend MORE time with them is going to be silly in the long run.
What does your BF say about it all?
We're on exactly opposite kid schedules so we only see each other alone every other Sunday night after 4pm. We spend the night at each other's houses but usually go over after the kids are asleep and then leave in the morning for work.
My bf actually wants me to come over more than I do. He invited me to go camping with him and the kids 2 weekends ago (which was eye opening on the 6yo's behavior) but they all treated me well the whole trip. And he's invited me to hang out with them all weekend b/c he's having a family reunion. I'll turn his offer down to come over frequently so he can spend more time with his kids without me there - so he seems totally fine with the amount of contact.
I also bring my son over to hang out (on the few times we overlap) and they all get along really well.
Ugh exactly opposite kid schedules is rough. We lucked out that we have the same weekends. My son lives with us.
My best friend and her husband both have 50/50 and it is really hard to coordinate everyone's schedules.
I would do what you are comfortable with, it's an adjustment for everyone, but like I've said before, consistency is key. If you guys want to try to plan a future together, then do it.
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| Posted 6/12/19 9:26 AM |
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lululu
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 9508 total posts
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
First, I would never put my 6yo on ADHD medication. I think that you should do some research on that one before you leap to judge the mom and call her anti meds.
Second, as PPs have said I think you are expecting way too much from these kids. They are very young and their parents have pretty much made a mess of their lives.
To be honest, other people's kids annoy me way too much. If I ended up divorced I would probably not date anyone with young children. For your own sanity I think that you should back off a little and give him more time alone with his kids. Is there any rush to be together? I would really not want to spend my time taking care of someone else's 4 young children. I would rather spend it alone with my own son.
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| Posted 6/12/19 10:42 AM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54917 total posts
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..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by lululu
First, I would never put my 6yo on ADHD medication. I think that you should do some research on that one before you leap to judge the mom and call her anti meds.
Second, as PPs have said I think you are expecting way too much from these kids. They are very young and their parents have pretty much made a mess of their lives.
To be honest, other people's kids annoy me way too much. If I ended up divorced I would probably not date anyone with young children. For your own sanity I think that you should back off a little and give him more time alone with his kids. Is there any rush to be together? I would really not want to spend my time taking care of someone else's 4 young children. I would rather spend it alone with my own son.
I tend to agree with this.
Especially the med thing. I'm not a big believer in medicating kids that young. I am sure as a doctor the mom is aware of possible side effects as well and maybe that is what is holding her back.
And like you said, I have no desire to raise someone else's kids. I was one and done for a reason. I'm just too selfish, especially at this point in my life and at my age.
I don't care if the guy had a golden penis, I don't think I could deal with 4 young kids and all kinds of issues.
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| Posted 6/12/19 11:43 AM |
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LuckyStar
LIF Adult
Member since 7/14 7272 total posts
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dealing with bf's kids
It sounds like these kids have been through so much and probably want attention (understandably).
I don’t know that backing off is the answer. I actually think another adult to pay attention to them is a good thing. If it were me, I would probably fawn all over them and go out of my way to make them feel special.
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| Posted 6/12/19 12:42 PM |
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by BargainMama
Honestly, I would walk away. Probably not a popular opinion, but that seems stressful and not worth it in the long run.
I thought the same when I read the post. It sounds like a situation that I would not want to get myself involved with.
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| Posted 6/12/19 12:46 PM |
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LuckyStar
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Member since 7/14 7272 total posts
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by lululu
First, I would never put my 6yo on ADHD medication. I think that you should do some research on that one before you leap to judge the mom and call her anti meds.
Second, as PPs have said I think you are expecting way too much from these kids. They are very young and their parents have pretty much made a mess of their lives.
To be honest, other people's kids annoy me way too much. If I ended up divorced I would probably not date anyone with young children. For your own sanity I think that you should back off a little and give him more time alone with his kids. Is there any rush to be together? I would really not want to spend my time taking care of someone else's 4 young children. I would rather spend it alone with my own son.
I tend to agree with this.
Especially the med thing. I'm not a big believer in medicating kids that young. I am sure as a doctor the mom is aware of possible side effects as well and maybe that is what is holding her back.
And like you said, I have no desire to raise someone else's kids. I was one and done for a reason. I'm just too selfish, especially at this point in my life and at my age.
I don't care if the guy had a golden penis, I don't think I could deal with 4 young kids and all kinds of issues.
Same. I don’t think it’s selfish. I don’t want more than one of my own, I certainly don’t want someone else’s. At least not that many.
Though depending on the guy’s age I don’t know if I would date someone under 40ish who didn’t have his own kids. I’m not willing to have another kid and I wouldn’t want the guy to eventually turn around and decide he wants a baby, or regret that he never did.
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| Posted 6/12/19 12:49 PM |
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Funkybutt
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Member since 4/15 3049 total posts
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by LuckyStar
It sounds like these kids have been through so much and probably want attention (understandably).
I don’t know that backing off is the answer. I actually think another adult to pay attention to them is a good thing. If it were me, I would probably fawn all over them and go out of my way to make them feel special.
That's kinda what I've been doing with the ones that are nice to me. I just got back from lunch with my bf and the 11yo. As soon as I got in the car, the 11yo asked if I colored my hair again (I haven't) and other snide remarks. I silently braced myself for the "fun" lunch we were going to have. However, by the end of lunch, I was able to find some common topics that we could discuss and he wasn't surly when I kissed his dad good-bye. Baby steps, I guess, but constantly being a lightening rod of disdain is hard for me to take b/c I don't tend to like being around crap like that - whether kids or adults. But, for now, I'll just keep it to myself and give them attention when they seem receptive to it.
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| Posted 6/12/19 12:50 PM |
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Katareen
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Katherine
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by LuckyStar
It sounds like these kids have been through so much and probably want attention (understandably).
I don’t know that backing off is the answer. I actually think another adult to pay attention to them is a good thing. If it were me, I would probably fawn all over them and go out of my way to make them feel special.
But then what happens if things don’t work out between the OP and their father? They’ll just be disappointed by yet another adult in their lives.
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| Posted 6/12/19 1:09 PM |
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LuckyStar
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Member since 7/14 7272 total posts
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Re: dealing with bf's kids
Posted by Katareen
Posted by LuckyStar
It sounds like these kids have been through so much and probably want attention (understandably).
I don’t know that backing off is the answer. I actually think another adult to pay attention to them is a good thing. If it were me, I would probably fawn all over them and go out of my way to make them feel special.
But then what happens if things don’t work out between the OP and their father? They’ll just be disappointed by yet another adult in their lives.
Good point. Though I assume they’re fairly serious if she’s spending this much time with his kids?
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| Posted 6/12/19 1:19 PM |
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