| Posted By |
Message |
| Pages: 1 2 3 4 [5] 6 |
| IrishLass |
I honestly don't think Ophelia has anything to apologize for or say she's sorry if people were offended. She wasn't speaking of others, only herself, very clearly.
If you post and say "I" feel this way about "me" and my life, MYOB, they are not talking about you and how they feel about you. Don't assume they feel that way about you.
Disagreeing is fine, even trying to explain the other side and give another perspective, is fine. I just don't understand how someone can be offended about how someone else feels about themselves.
 Doesn't make sense to me.
Posted 3/14/09 10:52 PM
|
| Little-J-Mommy |
Posted by Ophelia
for those
that understood where I was coming from, I thank you.
that outwardly defended me, thank you.
for those that I inadvertantly upset, I do apologize (especially if I haven't already done so personally through fm).
for those women that have gone through it already, and have shared their stories and in a certain way, validated my fears...you have no idea how much it means to me.
you really don't.
and no matter what path your life is on, I wish you all joy, fulfilment, love, and happiness.
thanks.
for the OP and the other posters on this thread that bared a part of themselves and their feelings,  there is no wrong way to feel.
Everyone is entitled to their feelings and you are absolutely right....there is NO wrong way to feel.
Deciding to have/not have children is a VERY personal decision and for those who didn't have a choice could be the most difficult pill to swallow. But to respect each other and their individual lifestyle is what I thought LIF was all about. I'm glad this board is a safe haven for those of you who need it. I'm a people person and love to gain insight on different opinions and motivations, so I lurk (usually) on all the different boards. I find it helpful in my therapy practice to understand where others are coming from.
fwiw....i had many of the same fears as you Ophelia, but not all pregnancies are like that. Everyone has a different experience. Yes...I got fat and my feet swelled like Fred Flintstone BUT I had no stretch marks, did not get sick once, my skin was incredible and I generally LOVED being pregnant. My DH found me sexy
I just wanted you to know you CAN have a positive experience as well.
Posted 3/16/09 9:28 AM
|
| kimbalina |
I am ignoring all the drama, and going to just answer the question. to all those who were flamed for no reason!
I am not into having a baby, I don't know if I have no "chip" but I just never thought of myself as a mom. I think that it must be hard to put yourself out there for someone else all the time. I give people credit who do. But it is a choice and I have decided (for now) that is something that I am not doing.
I heard a Mom and daughter (daughter looked to be in her 20-30's) having a discussion about the "identity" issue. The Mom was saying that she "lost herself for the past 20 years". The daughter looked like she was going to cry.. I would never want to feel like either one of them.
DH's mom basically said the same thing to FIL when she divorced him. That she needed to find herself, because the marriage and kids stole her identity.
Posted 3/16/09 7:08 PM
|
| cds58019 |
Posted by kimbalina
I am ignoring all the drama, and going to just answer the question. to all those who were flamed for no reason!
I am not into having a baby, I don't know if I have no "chip" but I just never thought of myself as a mom. I think that it must be hard to put yourself out there for someone else all the time. I give people credit who do. But it is a choice and I have decided (for now) that is something that I am not doing.
I heard a Mom and daughter (daughter looked to be in her 20-30's) having a discussion about the "identity" issue. The Mom was saying that she "lost herself for the past 20 years". The daughter looked like she was going to cry.. I would never want to feel like either one of them.
DH's mom basically said the same thing to FIL when she divorced him. That she needed to find herself, because the marriage and kids stole her identity.
Im only quoting Kim's post b/c it was the most recent one about identity issues.
I honestly dont see how having a child makes you lose your identity? Someone said they dont want to be known only as so-and-so's mom. But what about getting married? Why weren't they scared they'd only be known as so-and-so's wife? And Im really asking this because I cant see it happening and maybe someone can explain their point of view to me more thoroughly.
Posted 3/16/09 7:41 PM
|
| kimbalina |
Posted by cds58019
Posted by kimbalina
I am ignoring all the drama, and going to just answer the question. to all those who were flamed for no reason!
I am not into having a baby, I don't know if I have no "chip" but I just never thought of myself as a mom. I think that it must be hard to put yourself out there for someone else all the time. I give people credit who do. But it is a choice and I have decided (for now) that is something that I am not doing.
I heard a Mom and daughter (daughter looked to be in her 20-30's) having a discussion about the "identity" issue. The Mom was saying that she "lost herself for the past 20 years". The daughter looked like she was going to cry.. I would never want to feel like either one of them.
DH's mom basically said the same thing to FIL when she divorced him. That she needed to find herself, because the marriage and kids stole her identity.
Im only quoting Kim's post b/c it was the most recent one about identity issues.
I honestly dont see how having a child makes you lose your identity? Someone said they dont want to be known only as so-and-so's mom. But what about getting married? Why weren't they scared they'd only be known as so-and-so's wife? And Im really asking this because I cant see it happening and maybe someone can explain their point of view to me more thoroughly.
I think you have a good point. I know it was hard for me to take DH's name at first. I contemplated just adding his name after my original last name, finally I decided to take his name.
I guess it the loss of identity with a major change. So people go through this with massive weight loss also. They are not sure who they are, or were.
Posted 3/16/09 8:08 PM
|
| Christine |
Posted by cds58019
Im only quoting Kim's post b/c it was the most recent one about identity issues.
I honestly dont see how having a child makes you lose your identity? Someone said they dont want to be known only as so-and-so's mom. But what about getting married? Why weren't they scared they'd only be known as so-and-so's wife? And Im really asking this because I cant see it happening and maybe someone can explain their point of view to me more thoroughly.
When I think "lose your indentity" with regards to becoming a mother, I think of women that seem to forget they were their own person with adult interests before they had children. After they have children, they rarely if ever socialize. When they do they only talk about their children. That sort of thing.
Of course this does not apply to all mothers nor does it mean that mothers should never talk about their children.
Posted 3/16/09 8:57 PM
|
| Bxgell2 |
Posted by cds58019
I honestly dont see how having a child makes you lose your identity? Someone said they dont want to be known only as so-and-so's mom. But what about getting married? Why weren't they scared they'd only be known as so-and-so's wife? And Im really asking this because I cant see it happening and maybe someone can explain their point of view to me more thoroughly.
I can see how it happens and have seen it happen, thankfully though, none of my friends have gone through it.
Having a baby is really a whole different universe compared to getting married. I know, at least, for me, getting married was really a matter of adjusting to having another partner in my life - an equal partner who shared in many aspects of my life with me. It was an adjustment, but it never consumed my life.
Having a baby is different. First, it completely transforms your body. Some love pregnancy, others go through immense torture for 9 months, and have a really tough time coming to terms with the fact that your body is no longer your own for those months, and for as long as you nurse. It's a hard concept to explain, but when I am pregnant and nursing, I really do feel that my body turns into a vessel whose soul purpose is to sustain another life.
And when that baby comes out -your whole world turns upside down. Most women stay home during maternity leave and generally take on the bulk of the baby responsibilities, which are totally consuming! Your life, which used to be about meeting your girlfriends for lunch, or getting together with co-workers for an important brainstorming session, or making important calls, is now about changing a myriad of diapers, burping, consoling, rocking, nursing, feeding and doing whatever it takes to get that baby to sleep. There are no breaks in the beginning - a good day for me was a day I could squeeze in a shower between the incessant crying and the nursing sessions.
And unfortunately, some women never come out of that. For me, I HAD to - I had to find some normalcy in my life, albeit a new one, that wasn't just about taking care of a baby all day. I had to make some GREAT efforts to regain focus on my marriage instead of solely on my baby, and on my career, but I like to think that, after a year of struggling harder than I ever have in my life, I was able to achieve that balance. And while my daughter does take up an enormous chunk of my time and attention, I do have other outlets that are for myself solely and for my husband solely.
I think it's really about the choices you make. I can see how women can easily lose their identity if they don't strive to find that balance for themselves, but I can also speak from my own experience, that if you make the effort, it can be done, and quite happily.
Posted 3/17/09 7:48 AM
|
| irishbaby |
bxgell - thank you for all of you honesty, it is really "real" and makes me feel like less of a freak. I though because I had these feelings I was not cut out for motherhood, but maybe that is not the case. You didn't sugar coat everything like the ppl in my life do right now, and I really appreciate that.
As for ppl that have taken offense to this thread, that was not the intention. It was how I was feeling and not meant to be taken personally, I was speaking of myself and the ppl in my life not anyone here.
Posted 3/17/09 9:21 AM
|
| SusiBee |
I joined because I want to be in a place where I can be childless and not be attacked for being childless.
I am me.
I am a wife.
I am a daughter.
I am an auntie.
I am not a mother and never will be.
Let me explain further. I always wanted children, but the moon and the stars did not line up properly and it was not meant to be.
My husband and I were both older when we married, and I knew coming into this marriage that he did not want children. I can't force him to change his mind, I would be over the moon if he did, but I'm already 42 years old, quite old to go into a first time pregnancy. He's 47. We have the responsibility of looking after our dads, our mom's both passed away after long illnesses.
We have made a choice not to have children. It is our choice and all that we ask is that others respect that decision.
Posted 3/17/09 9:51 AM
|
| medic6809 |
Posted by SusiBee
I joined because I want to be in a place where I can be childless and not be attacked for being childless.
I am me.
I am a wife.
I am a daughter.
I am an auntie.
I am not a mother and never will be.
Let me explain further. I always wanted children, but the moon and the stars did not line up properly and it was not meant to be.
My husband and I were both older when we married, and I knew coming into this marriage that he did not want children. I can't force him to change his mind, I would be over the moon if he did, but I'm already 42 years old, quite old to go into a first time pregnancy. He's 47. We have the responsibility of looking after our dads, our mom's both passed away after long illnesses.
We have made a choice not to have children. It is our choice and all that we ask is that others respect that decision.
THIS is why this board was created.......To everyone talking about how great children and pg are I again say....I do not go on Diet and Fitness and post a 10,000,000 calorie chocolate cake recipe.
Posted 3/17/09 9:56 AM
|
| SusiBee |
May I also add that I am selfish.
I want to be shielded from baby dust, talk of TTC, pics of sonograms, because it is just another stab in my heart.
Outward I will congratulate you on news of your pregnancy and wish you the best, but inward I cry and have myself my own private pity party.
So, to all the mothers, please respect us and our childless status.
Posted 3/17/09 10:17 AM
|
| BunnyWife |
Posted by SusiBee
May I also add that I am selfish.
I want to be shielded from baby dust, talk of TTC, pics of sonograms, because it is just another stab in my heart.
Outward I will congratulate you on news of your pregnancy and wish you the best, but inward I cry and have myself my own private pity party.
So, to all the mothers, please respect us and our childless status.
Posted 3/17/09 10:18 AM
|
| IrishLass |
Posted by SusiBee
May I also add that I am selfish.
I want to be shielded from baby dust, talk of TTC, pics of sonograms, because it is just another stab in my heart.
Outward I will congratulate you on news of your pregnancy and wish you the best, but inward I cry and have myself my own private pity party.
So, to all the mothers, please respect us and our childless status.
After 3 miscarriages, counless failed IUI's and 2 failed IVF cycles, I am very close to being done TTC, I feel the same way you do.
Posted 3/17/09 10:27 AM
|
| MeeshMosh |
Posted by IrishLass
Posted by SusiBee
May I also add that I am selfish.
I want to be shielded from baby dust, talk of TTC, pics of sonograms, because it is just another stab in my heart.
Outward I will congratulate you on news of your pregnancy and wish you the best, but inward I cry and have myself my own private pity party.
So, to all the mothers, please respect us and our childless status.
After 3 miscarriages, counless failed IUI's and 2 failed IVF cycles, I am very close to being done TTC, I feel the same way you do.
Posted 3/17/09 10:52 AM
|
| Michelle1123 |
I am a mom who was pregnant before my 1 year Anniversary and always knew I wanted to have a large family. But I dont understand how anyone could be hurt by Ophelia's post. Those are her fears, and they are valid.
I do think some mothers may lose their identity, as they LET their children run their lives. I go out, take my kids where most people wouldnt, and my children go with the flow. I ENJOY my NEW identity because it doesnt hold me back, just gives me more to be proud of. But that wont be the same for everybody. I know people who have had kids and sit home every day and night and complain all the time about it. So it is a very real concern for those that dont have kids yet.
And come on, I bet there are very few of us moms that didnt worry about stretch marks, getting fat, and what our husbands would think of our new bodies. I still worry, two years later, about loose skin!
I hope you all enjoy your new board! I think its a great idea!
Posted 3/18/09 9:12 AM
|
| MrsPJB2007 |
Posted by cds58019
I honestly dont see how having a child makes you lose your identity? Someone said they dont want to be known only as so-and-so's mom. But what about getting married? Why weren't they scared they'd only be known as so-and-so's wife? And Im really asking this because I cant see it happening and maybe someone can explain their point of view to me more thoroughly.
Just wanted to say that on the first page-- I was one of the people who said they have a fear of being known only as "so-and-so's mommy" instead of who I am.
The difference to me in getting married and forming a partnership with my husband, is that its just that...a partnership. We are two halves of a whole that is our relationship....but no matter what....we are our own individuals as well. So I don't see getting married as just being known as my husband's wife or vice versa.
I know many family members and friends who have had children and their children become their everything. And I don't mean in the "well of course the kid is important" kind of way -- I mean in just putting their entire being into their child(ren). Conversations can not be had unless its about the kids, they seem to almost ignore their DH/DWs and focus all attention on the kids, friends are forgotten, and just individuality seems to disappear.
This does not mean that I am saying ALL turn out that way, but one of MY personal fears is becoming a mom like that. Because really, no one ever wants to start out that way, they just gravitate towards it without realizing anything. My sister is that kind of parent - and I've watched her marriage crumble thru the years as she is very child centric with their 2 kids. Now the kids are getting older -- and I can honestly say that I don't think her and my BIL even like each other anymore.
There is a reason why the divorce rate of couples after 15-20 years of marriage has been rising. Many times, when the kids are grown, you turn around, look at your spouse and say "I don't even know you anymore"....and that is a giant fear of mine. It doesn't mean I think all couples will be that way, but IMO I have a fear of losing my identity by putting all attention on my a child, and forgetting everyone around me. But again, that is just ME.
Message edited 3/18/2009 1:39:53 PM.
Posted 3/18/09 1:37 PM
|
| Kierasmom |
As a mom of two I would just like to say that everyone has a right to be afraid of getting pregnant. For physical and emotional reasons it is scary. I never thought I was the mommy type. I was scared of how I was going to handle having kids. I was afraid of what my husband would think of me as I gained weight. I was nervous about what it would do to my relationship with my husband. I realized that my life as I knew it was never going to be the same. I would no longer be able to just go out after work with my friends to get drinks without figuring out baby sitting. I knew that I would lose myself in a way until I figured out how to redefine my identity. I knew it was going to be hard for me and my husband to find ourselves again. Our life was no longer going to just be about us. Every decision that we now make involves our kids.
The first year after having my daughter was difficult because we were learning how to handle sooooo many things. There was taking care of this little baby. There was dealing with the emotions of now having a child in our life. We had to learn how to make time to be together. It was a struggle but we did it. Now with 2 kids we have found a balance in life. Yes I have lost the identity that I had before I had kids. But I now have a new identity. I have learned how to make time for myself. I have learned how to keep romance in my relationship with my husband. I have learned how to accept all of the physical changes that my body went through for having 2 kids. I have learned to combine my old life with my new life so that I can be happy.
My point is all of your fears are valid and you all have every right to feel them. And you know what some marriages do fail after having children. And we could debate until we're blue in the face if those marriages would have failed eventually anyway. But at the end of the day every couple has to do what's right for them. And for some people not having children is what's right for them. I have learned that having children was one of the best things that DH and I could have done for our relationship because we both love being parents and we both love seeing each other as a parent. But I do feel that having kids is not for everyone and I don't think anyone should be judged for it or looked down upon. I also think that this board is a great idea and I hope you all enjoy it.
Posted 3/19/09 11:09 PM
|
| tatuka |
Posted by anonttcer
Posted by Ophelia
I think pregnancy is truly heinous.
I am not meant for it.
but I really truly ADORE kids.
so I will suck it up.
but if I could just spring one forth from my head, I would do it in a heartbeat.
there is NOTHING appealing to me about pregnancy...and I feel like I will go to hell for it.
and I feel like I am cursing my unborn child by saying it (though truly, I do not mean to)
I think it's especially awful b/c we have these duling roles for women now.
be hot, sexy, flawless, gorgeous...but then
get fat, get stretch marks, get pregnancy acnes, barf all day, feel like shyte, lose your will to live
so you can become a mother.
and so your husband will never look at you the same.
it sucks.
OMG you said it 100% right!
I am honestly not even as afraid of raising a child and the changes and sacrafices it will bring- as I am of the process of pregnancy and child birth.
I dream of having a surrogate carry my child, adopting, all these terrible selfish things.
I can't seem to get past it though...
Message edited 3/20/2009 6:41:53 AM.
Posted 3/19/09 11:20 PM
|
| avamamma |
Posted by SusiBee
May I also add that I am selfish.
I want to be shielded from baby dust, talk of TTC, pics of sonograms, because it is just another stab in my heart.
Outward I will congratulate you on news of your pregnancy and wish you the best, but inward I cry and have myself my own private pity party.
So, to all the mothers, please respect us and our childless status.
Posted 3/19/09 11:48 PM
|
| DRMom |
Posted by JessInCA
This thread is doing just fine without my POV, but I feel compelled to add it anyway.
Maybe it's because I don't have children that I didn't get offended by Ophelia's post, but I thought it was pretty clear that she was addressing her own feelings/thoughts/fears, and not making a blanket statement about the facts of what will happen to all women everywhere.
I don't think anyone should have taken it personally, particularly those for whom this board AND this post were not intended.
And I think the turn this all has taken illustrates exactly why there is a need for this board in the first place.
I do have children and I was not offended. Actually as I read what she wrote I thought: nopem not true, not me etc. I am 25 lbs thinner than pre pregnancy, I've waited for this for a long time, my husband and I have a deep connection made stronger by having our boys
Posted 3/21/09 1:55 AM
|
| Pages: 1 2 3 4 [5] 6 |