Long Island Forums > Childless Families!

Childless by Choice...or Not

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KittyTheStray	Posted by Blazesyth in our society it is considered an acceptable excuse because it involves parenting a child. I'm sure if I had a child and left early 3x a in a month because I needed to take the child to the Dr it would be considered 'OK'. But if I was to leave early 3x in a month for various reasons not involving a child I would be reprimanded. ITA with this. It's always OK (it seems) for people to not attend a gathering or miss some sort of obligation for child related reasons, but if I miss something, it's never a 'worthy' reason. I also OFTEN hold back my responses on 'childless' topics (even this one) because I feel I will be attacked by the people with children, who take what I am saying the wrong way. Posted 3/8/09 8:42 PM
BaseballWidow	Posted by KittyTheStray I have a lot to say on this subject but the people with kids usually get offended so I will shut up And another point for the board!! Posted 3/8/09 8:42 PM
MrsProfessor	Posted by cjik I have a child now, but for many years, I did not. And eventhough I was unmarried for a lot of them, I can't tell you how many people told me I'd better get a move on it or asked "don't you want children?" It's a very nosy question and it can be a heartbreaking question if you are actually trying to have a child but it is not working out. When I lived in the city, particularly Manhattan, I didn't hear this very much. I think there were a lot of childless couples there, and people leading different lifestyles. So it just wasn't something that seemed strange. But if you live in the suburbs and don't have kids, I think a lot of people just don't get it. It is a personal choice htough, and if people do not want kids, I definitely think they should not have them to fulfill societal expectations. Children are a blessing, but they are a tremendous amount of work also. Another spin on this is that I get is why are you only having one child? I have had people I don't know well at all accuse me of denying DS a happy life by not having another child. I'm tempted to tell them, I have this disorder and this disorder, DH has this disease, so we feel it would be selfish and irresponsible to bring another child into the picture at this point, but it's not the kid of thing I like to go into. At any rate, enjoy your life as it is and don't feel you need to apologize for your choices. I went through the same thing- I think the worst was from my friends. I wanted to be a b!tch many times and say something mean or bitter about how not everyone gets the life timetable, or life overall, that they want. I have one child and already had one friend caution me that my eggs were "getting old" and that I needed to jump on having another. which I may or may not do. I think nosy comments and questions say more about the person who's asking/saying than the person who has to hear and deal with them. I also think that the childless board is a great idea. You don't have to have children to be a family. Posted 3/8/09 8:43 PM
Blazesyth	Posted by KittyTheStray I also OFTEN hold back my responses on 'childless' topics (even this one) because I feel I will be attacked by the people with children, who take what I am saying the wrong way. Me too. We should go out for coffee. Posted 3/8/09 8:48 PM
KittyTheStray	Posted by LisaW But, this is not what I wanted this thread to focus on.... I really just wanted some insight on living child free...on what others do to fill that extra time...and how they relate to others with kids... I never answered your original question! Sorry! OK, so DH and I don't really have a lot of 'free time'. We both work a lot. There are things that we do get to do for ourselves though. We both regularly go to the gym and work out (not together, not even at the same time usually just due to our work schedules). I do volunteer work at a shelter. I garden a lot in the summer. I have 4 really close friends who live in CA so we e-mail and call each other almost every day. DH writes music and has a blog he writes in daily. We don't really spend too much time with other couples just because we don't have a lot of time so we cherish the time we get alone. We are both serious homebodies. I would choose not to spend time with couples if they're going to bring their child because I don't particularly care for how most people raise their children nowadays. I really like children, but I find the parents of today don't raise them well, so they are allowed to scream and be disruptive and misbehave and it makes me very uncomfortable. When i was a child I was not allowed to act the way most kids today act. (ETA: These are people i know, in real life who I have spent time with them and their kids and now choose not to. I am sure many of the people on here who have children have well behaved children). I wish I had all the free time, money and closet space people I know with kids seem to think I have! Message edited 3/8/2009 9:01:43 PM. Posted 3/8/09 8:57 PM
greenfreak	Posted by karenk71 I feel left out all the time. Everyone in our lives has kids. I'm trying to figure out what I will do with the rest of my life if I never have kids...I know that it will be important to have hobbies/interests/something that makes me keep going. I have such a good husband and we have sooo much love for each other. If our fate is to be childless then at least I know that we have each other and I'm very grateful for that. I have a suggestion. Volunteer! Find groups that have values that are close to your heart and seek them out. Take your hobbies, things that you are good at and enjoy, and find a way to dedicate your time to that in a way that will help others. There are other ways to nurture and be selfless besides having children. Because I have heard so many like opinions on this thread, I will say this without fear of being judged... I nurture the hell out of my husband, my garden, and my dog. I do have the instinct to nurture, and that is how I satisfy it. I've only had my dog for six months and have already heard the snide comment of "You're not going to be one of THOSE people who treat their dog like a CHILD, are you?" I responded, "Maybe if more people treated their dogs like children, they wouldn't be so frequently neglected, abused, and killed." I do treat him like a child insomuch as I love him and care for him. He brings added joy to my life. And I'm meeting other people - parents and non parents - who like to get their dogs together for a walk in the park or on the beach. And yes, we call them playdates. Anyway, there's lots we can do to make our lives fulfilled and valuable, without children. Posted 3/8/09 8:58 PM
Jackie24	Posted by KittyTheStray The WORST one I ever heard was a guy who I dated in HS who caught up with me on FB. He LOVES his kid more than anything and when I had e-mailed my DH and I weren't having kids he had the NERVE to e-mail me "If you married the right person you would want kids..." What a rude comment. Posted 3/8/09 8:59 PM
KittyTheStray	Posted by greenfreak "You're not going to be one of THOSE people who treat their dog like a CHILD, are you?" I don't see why this is a problem Our entire house is constructed around the comfort and spoiling of our pets.... and anyone who knows us and our home would agree, and if you haven't been here lately, this weekend Dean and I made it even MORE centered around them Posted 3/8/09 9:08 PM
anonttcer	Posted by Blazesyth Posted by KittyTheStray I also OFTEN hold back my responses on 'childless' topics (even this one) because I feel I will be attacked by the people with children, who take what I am saying the wrong way. Me too. We should go out for coffee. Can I come too? It's amazing how much I can relate to people like you guys who feel the same as me and just "get it". I cannot stand some of my friends who are constantly saying things like- Oh I see you have in your FB status that you are hungry- could this mean your pregnant? Or - oh you don't feel well today? Maybe your pregnant? And then I have to convince them I am not. Why is it that everytime a woman of child bearing years farts, is hungry, is cranky, has heartburn or is tired everyone assumes they are knocked up? It annoys me NO FLUCKING END!! I think that's another reason we need a board like the OP suggested... it's a whole different mind frame... Message edited 3/8/2009 10:04:50 PM. Posted 3/8/09 10:02 PM
luvsbob4603	Posted by anonttcer Posted by Blazesyth Posted by KittyTheStray I also OFTEN hold back my responses on 'childless' topics (even this one) because I feel I will be attacked by the people with children, who take what I am saying the wrong way. Me too. We should go out for coffee. Can I come too? It's amazing how much I can relate to people like you guys who feel the same as me and just "get it". I cannot stand some of my friends who are constantly saying things like- Oh I see you have in your FB status that you are hungry- could this mean your pregnant? Or - oh you don't feel well today? Maybe your pregnant? And then I have to convince them I am not. Why is it that everytime a woman of child bearing years farts, is hungry, is cranky, has heartburn or is tired everyone assumes they are knocked up? It annoys me NO FLUCKING END!! I think that's another reason we need a board like the OP suggested... it's a whole different mind frame... I would love to come too, We should have a childless gtg for us ladies so we can just talk. Just an idea. Posted 3/8/09 10:06 PM
Blazesyth	Posted by anonttcer It's amazing how much I can relate to people like you guys who feel the same as me and just "get it". I've always wondered if there was something wrong with me - mentally or even physically (hormones, etc) that I don't have that desire to become a mother. Now reading these posts from everyone, it comforts me that maybe I'm not crazy (at least when it comes to this subject. ) Posted 3/8/09 10:47 PM
tourist	Posted by greenfreak "You're not going to be one of THOSE people who treat their dog like a CHILD, are you?" I responded, "Maybe if more people treated their dogs like children, they wouldn't be so frequently neglected, abused, and killed." I don't have kids or pets, so clearly I am evil & heartless! Posted 3/9/09 12:14 AM
greenfreak	Posted by Blazesyth I've always wondered if there was something wrong with me - mentally or even physically (hormones, etc) that I don't have that desire to become a mother. I said that to my mother, when she asked why I didn't want children. You know what she said? "I never had the desire either, don't let that stop you." Here's a question for all of you... How do your IL's or your boyfriend's parents feel about your decision? My MIL blames me. My husband is an only child, so this is very hard for her to accept. We have to constantly reaffirm our decision with her. The last time she brought it up was when we got back from our honeymoon. We had been together 7 years by that point, and had both told her countless times it wasn't happening. She pulled me aside and said, "Now that you're married, you will have children, yes?" and I laughed and struggled for the right words so I didn't offend her. And she continued, "You're not too old yet, you know. And even though you'll get fat, you can always lose the weight." I'm not even exaggerating. Oh and it was brought up again when we bought our house and told them we only had 2 bedrooms. She started in that "We just never know what is going to happen, so maybe we need a 3rd bedroom." We totally need a gtg. Posted 3/9/09 7:19 AM
anonttcer	Posted by Blazesyth Posted by anonttcer It's amazing how much I can relate to people like you guys who feel the same as me and just "get it". I've always wondered if there was something wrong with me - mentally or even physically (hormones, etc) that I don't have that desire to become a mother. Now reading these posts from everyone, it comforts me that maybe I'm not crazy (at least when it comes to this subject. ) I said the same exact thing when I first responded to this post. I often wondered if I was missing some female hormones or if I had mental issues. To this day I still feel guilty about it sometimes- and maybe I always will- but I have come to accept the fact that children aren't for everyone and that's ok too! Posted 3/9/09 8:37 AM
Lisa	Posted by anonttcer Posted by Blazesyth Posted by anonttcer It's amazing how much I can relate to people like you guys who feel the same as me and just "get it". I've always wondered if there was something wrong with me - mentally or even physically (hormones, etc) that I don't have that desire to become a mother. Now reading these posts from everyone, it comforts me that maybe I'm not crazy (at least when it comes to this subject. ) I said the same exact thing when I first responded to this post. I often wondered if I was missing some female hormones or if I had mental issues. To this day I still feel guilty about it sometimes- and maybe I always will- but I have come to accept the fact that children aren't for everyone and that's ok too! you took the words right out of my mouth!! Its not that I dont like kids...if I didnt I certainly wouldnt be volunteering to be a Girl Scout leader but I just feel that kids arent for me. Posted 3/9/09 8:42 AM
BigB	Personally, I think people in society need to learn to S T F U and mind their own business. Didn't their parents teach them manners? I don't see anything wrong with a childless family board! Go for it! Those of you who are childless, EMBRACE life! Take it all in and enjoy every minute of it! Travel, shop, take dance lessons, pack up the car and go on a road trip! Do whatever your heart desires! Posted 3/9/09 9:04 AM
Red	Posted by greenfreak We totally need a gtg. Childless GTG I love it Posted 3/9/09 9:08 AM
Lizzie217	I do think that childless couples are judged unfairly, it is not right. I also think that the question why? is very rude, as many people do not have kids bc of problems conceiving. Posted 3/9/09 9:12 AM
karenk71	Posted by greenfreak Posted by karenk71 I feel left out all the time. Everyone in our lives has kids. I'm trying to figure out what I will do with the rest of my life if I never have kids...I know that it will be important to have hobbies/interests/something that makes me keep going. I have such a good husband and we have sooo much love for each other. If our fate is to be childless then at least I know that we have each other and I'm very grateful for that. I have a suggestion. Volunteer! Find groups that have values that are close to your heart and seek them out. Take your hobbies, things that you are good at and enjoy, and find a way to dedicate your time to that in a way that will help others. There are other ways to nurture and be selfless besides having children. Because I have heard so many like opinions on this thread, I will say this without fear of being judged... I nurture the hell out of my husband, my garden, and my dog. I do have the instinct to nurture, and that is how I satisfy it. I've only had my dog for six months and have already heard the snide comment of "You're not going to be one of THOSE people who treat their dog like a CHILD, are you?" I responded, "Maybe if more people treated their dogs like children, they wouldn't be so frequently neglected, abused, and killed." I do treat him like a child insomuch as I love him and care for him. He brings added joy to my life. And I'm meeting other people - parents and non parents - who like to get their dogs together for a walk in the park or on the beach. And yes, we call them playdates. Anyway, there's lots we can do to make our lives fulfilled and valuable, without children. I have looked into volunteer oportunities, just last week actually! I think this will be a definite possibility for me in the future. I wish I could get a dog but DH doesn't want one right now. I've been bugging him for a long time. So right now I just nurture him and my plants! I'm also trying to learn how to nurture myself, which I think is very important. Posted 3/9/09 9:40 AM
DonnaJoe708	Posted by Blazesyth Posted by anonttcer It's amazing how much I can relate to people like you guys who feel the same as me and just "get it". I've always wondered if there was something wrong with me - mentally or even physically (hormones, etc) that I don't have that desire to become a mother. Now reading these posts from everyone, it comforts me that maybe I'm not crazy (at least when it comes to this subject. ) I feel the same way... Posted 3/9/09 9:57 AM
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