Childless by Choice...or Not

Thispost just reminded me of something.

After I had a m/c 2 years ago and had been struggling with IF for awhile, DH and I hung out mostly with people who were a little older and the two women I was closest to and most comfortable with were pregnant (at the same time) and therefore had children a couple months apart.

They knew I had a m/c and was having alot of trouble and how I wanted a baby more than anything. But everytime we were at a party or a small group outing, all I heard about was onesies and carseats and baby monitors. I began to dread hanging out with these people and actually began to resent them because they didn't bother to limit their baby talk at all and I couldn't be included in any conversations. I just had to sit there and stare in a daze because I had nothing to contribute.

It made me feel completely left out and I hated it. I couldn't blame them because it was what was happening in their lives and they were excited. But I still will never forget that and thinkit was incredibly rude to behave like that as an adult.

this is one of those "open mouth, insert foot" conversations.

How many times have people (not thinking what they're saying at all) say to couples "you gotta have a baby!!! You'll change your mind"

Sure, there are many couples who don't want children who are constantly harassed.... (If I were in that boat, I'd probably break down and quip something rather rude as a retort after a few years. My sympathy goes to those couples for enduring people's prepetual stupidity.) But much much worse, IMO, is when this is told to a couple who desperately wants a child, but is quitely enduring the hardships of infertility. You never know who is in the former group, and who is in the latter...

I view the 'do you want children' conversation as being very similar to the 'are you pregnant' conversation. I wouldn't ask if a woman is pregnant until I see a baby emerging from her body

I never ever go there.....

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Posted by JennyPenny

Thispost just reminded me of something.

After I had a m/c 2 years ago and had been struggling with IF for awhile, DH and I hung out mostly with people who were a little older and the two women I was closest to and most comfortable with were pregnant (at the same time) and therefore had children a couple months apart.

They knew I had a m/c and was having alot of trouble and how I wanted a baby more than anything. But everytime we were at a party or a small group outing, all I heard about was onesies and carseats and baby monitors. I began to dread hanging out with these people and actually began to resent them because they didn't bother to limit their baby talk at all and I couldn't be included in any conversations. I just had to sit there and stare in a daze because I had nothing to contribute.

It made me feel completely left out and I hated it. I couldn't blame them because it was what was happening in their lives and they were excited. But I still will never forget that and thinkit was incredibly rude to behave like that as an adult.

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Lisa,

I've been wondering a lot of the same things since my last failure. I mean for sure this might be my life going forward so I'm glad you started this thread. I actually would love to see a separate board for living childless, whether it is living childless for now or forever.
Of course there is no doubt that being childless not by choice is completely different than choosing not to have kids. It just isn't the same at all.
I feel left out all the time. Everyone in our lives has kids. I'm trying to figure out what I will do with the rest of my life if I never have kids...I know that it will be important to have hobbies/interests/something that makes me keep going. I'm not done trying but I'm not sure when or if this will happen so I need to start having a life. As for bday parties, showers, etc...I'm sick of putting myself through that. I'm just not going to anything I don't feel like going to anymore.
I have such a good husband and we have sooo much love for each other. If our fate is to be childless then at least I know that we have each other and I'm very grateful for that.
*I'm not sure if this helped or if I'm just rambling but again, this has been on my mind lately and it feels good to get it out.

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Posted by LisaW


I don't expect people to limit their child talk, and don't find it rude when they do...like you said its their lives...but, it does put us in a strange situation, especially when we are invited to birthdays and christenings, and other things just revolving around children.

DH HATES going to these things b/c he just feels so unconnected (and I guess b/c we are childless b/c of IF there is the whole emotional aspect of it), and I feel a sense of having to go for fear of offending anyone or just b/c its a natural part of life and if I don't go I am going drift away from my friends. I am lucky enough that I do have a group of "IF friends" (for lack of a better term ) who have children and are incredible and sensitive in these situations, and I wish everyone could be like them...

But yeah, when we do go...most of the time we are just sitting there listening to everyone talk about things we will never experience and know nothing about and its very hard...but again, that is b/c of why we are childless...and hopefully in time that pain will ease....

I'm curious how people who are childless by choice feel in these situations...do you find these events enjoyable?

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I completely agree that the decision to have a child is the decision of the couple and everyone else should butt out.

DH and I want children. Our jobs pay nothing and we have a lot of credit card debt so we are not ready. I know you "never have enough money" but at the moment we really don't. I don't mind waiting until I'm 30 to start. Apparently that's not good enough for my dad's side of the family, who constantly ask and ask and ask and give their input. My cousin told me I shouldn't wait until I'm 30 because a lot of her friends waiting and had problems. To me that's kind of abrasive.

The only person I don't mind asking is my 8 and a half year old cousin. She really wants to baby-sit.

I usually discontinue the conversation. I answer with we're not ready and just shrug off persistant questioning.

I think I would respect a person more for making the decision NOT to have children than to have children for the sake of expectations, if that makes any sense and it's not to be taken wrong.

The thing is this. Having children or even ONE child is an utterly massive responsibility and life altering experience. And it's truly a luck of the draw situation. While I know, without a doubt, that it is certainly the most amazing experience, I also know you can't go back. Having children is a forever commitment and for someone to acknowledge that they might not want to take that on, well, I applaud them for it and respect them. ANYONE can have a kid...I think having a child is a completely different thing than RAISING a child. Just like the difference between a wedding and marriage.

For my own life...we're going on 5 years of marriage and no kids. I think people are stunned!

Until I had DS I thought NOTHING would change with my friends, but it did. I will admit to it. I have to bring DS with me most times. I can have a good time with a friend and think nothing of it to have DS with me but I realize they may feel differently. I THOUGHT I could just pack DS and go whenever. Yes, that was good for a short time. I guess I could have done that when DS was an infant but honestly I was too exhausted from sleep deprivation and BFing was sucking the life out of me. Now he is a toddler and unless you have or had a toddler, you just don't know. I can talk to my friend during a lunch but my eyes are on DS and what kind of monkey move he is going to make. So I guess I am not 100% there. But what can I do? Yes, I can go out once in a while without my kid but it's a whole adventure. I already enrolled in the gym. DH has to watch the kid 2 nights. I work on weekends and DH watches DS on those 2 days. That leaves very little time for friends.

So yes, I "lost" some friends from the time I got PG to the time I got DS. I think about it and what happened but I guess it's hard for them to relate too. I am not "as free" as I used to. I really have obligations with DS. It's not like I can postponne laundry night. The kid needs to be fed and go to bed by a certain time. Or MY life will be a nightmare. I do try to give myself time for me but honestly it's hard.

So you go and hang with other moms who have kids similar in age. It's easier!!! My party nights are replaced by playdates. I just find that other parents with kids won't care that I multitask during a conversation. They know how it works.

Now, for the part that people ask you "when are you having kids?". BTDT with my Ex. Married many years with Ex prior to DH and no kids. I wanted them, he did not. It was VERY painful and it was really reopening the wound for me. Constently being reminded that I did not have kids, that I was getting older. Like I did not know! I feel it's natural to ask someone if they want children. But I just don't ask anymore. I realize it's not appropriate to ask such question.

I see nothing wrong with a couple not having kids. As long as it works for them. Based on those principle, what makes a question like "when are you having kid?" OK. We know what's next. "Oh, you don't want other kids. Only 1. Because you know it's coming up. It's apparently selfish to be a childless couple but that just as bad if you only want 1 kid. Then you are a selfish parent DEPRIVING your child from a sibling.

I think people should worry about their own happiness.

This is a great question.
For now, we are childless by choice. We like having our freedom & not having to worry about taking care of anyone but ourselves.
Will we decide in the future to have children, it's possible... but maybe not... also it may not be that easy for us due to health issues anyway. We're on the fence & taking a "wait & see where life takes us in the next several years" approach.
Right now we're young (in our 20's) and married under 2 years, so we don't get the question about kids too often (although some of my coworkers ask, and I have one annoying friend who asks all the time).
But as the years pass & we're married longer & getting older, I'm dreading the questions, because I know our family & friends will have expectations. But F them!!! It's such a rude & personal question & nobody's business but ours! Ugh!!! I don't know what the best way to handle it is... if it's someone close, I'll try to be nice about it... if it's a stranger or someone I don't care for... I'll give a rude answer right back to them.

I had always never wanted children. Then I got pg, then I mc.

Now, I am just undecided what to do. I was starting to feel something was wrong with me b/c I didn't want children. I am relieved to see there are others out there who don't want children.

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Posted by karenk71



I actually would love to see a separate board for living childless, whether it is living childless for now or forever.

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Posted by karenk71


I feel left out all the time. Everyone in our lives has kids. I'm trying to figure out what I will do with the rest of my life if I never have kids...I know that it will be important to have hobbies/interests/something that makes me keep going.

I have such a good husband and we have sooo much love for each other. If our fate is to be childless then at least I know that we have each other and I'm very grateful for that.

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I have an aunt who is childless, I believe by choice ( but I never asked), and I am very close to her.

She came to all of our stuff as kids.
She took us to movies & concerts. She was definitly the fun aunt in the family.

I don't think anyone in my family ever told her her decision was wrong, ut I am glad she did not feel the need to avoid all babies, b/c she is very important to me as an adult & I have fond memories of her from my childhood.

I try to give her all the fun stuf , with out the annoying stuff of being a parent. She helped with my shower, she got ready with the bridesmaids for my wedding.

I am so far (and maybe always will be) childless and I feel I can relate to her the most, b/c she went away to college, has always worked full time, travels when she can, etc while my mom & other aunts didn't.

hmm, it really used to get on my nerves I waited till I was 30 to have my DC but from the time I was 27 I would get the rudest comments.

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Posted by tourist
She came to all of our stuff as kids.
She took us to movies & concerts. She was definitly the fun aunt in the family.

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Message edited 3/6/2009 6:21:01 PM.

I think the commentary on both sides of the issue are just ridiculous. People just don't know how to keep their pie holes shut.

For me, its when are you having a third. My girlfriend who only has one and has trouble TTC'ing constantly gets "you're not getting any younger" or "she shouldn't be an only child". Then another girlfriend who is childless by choice has her issues from the commentary she gets. I think it sucks.

I absolutely applaud those who choose not to have kids vs. having them just to make their family happy or feel that they should because that is what is expected.

For those who are not able to conceive and are childless from this I applaud them as well. They have a beautiful inner strength that I admire the heck out of.

I think in the end what it really boils down to is people need to just keep their mouths shut. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and if a couple chooses not to have kids its absolutely none of your business. People have made their decision based on their lifestyle, finances and 100 other things. Unless you walk a mile in their shoes you just can't comment.

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Posted by LisaW

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Posted by karenk71



I actually would love to see a separate board for living childless, whether it is living childless for now or forever.

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I asked for this a while ago since it seems so many of us are coming to the end of our IF journey, plus there are many couples who plan to remain childless by choice...My thought was that there are all different types of families...and we could all help each other get passed that stigma of "family" meaning "with child/ren"

But I never really got an answer

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I would love to see a child free by choice board! There is TTC, IF, Pregnancy and Parenting! How about one for us folks?!

We chose not to have children. The key word is CHOICE. Children are not for everyone. Just like pets are not for everyone, skydiving is not for everyone, marriage is not for everyone.
I just never felt the desire to have children. Never. Not even as a kid or a teenager. I knew from the time I was very young that I didn't want any. It's very odd that feeling and sometimes I used to feel like there was something wrong with me-either physical (like I was missing female hormones or something) or mental.
However over the years I have come to terms with the fact that there is NOTHING wrong with it. I would never judge people for their life decisions and expect to not be judged either.
It's none of anyone's business.
Kids aren't for us. I love other people's children- I'm not a horrible child eating monster. I just love giving them back at the end of the day.
We are happy, we are fulfilled, we have each other. My husband did not marry me for my child bearing ability as I did not marry him for his sperm. I married him for him and he for me. Period.
I think I am being extremely responsible in deciding NOT to have kids when I know I couldn't give them my all- rather than having them because I feel pressured to do so by society or because I feel like it's the thing to do...

I love the fact that there are all kinds of people in this world- with all kinds of hopes, dreams and desires. That is what makes the world go around!

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Posted by lululu

To be honest, I couldn't understand how a couple could choose to not have children until I had a child. I would never have said anything to indicate that, but I admit I couldn't understand....

Now that I have a child I realize the incredible sacrifice that having a child entails. I don't think I completely got it until I had a child. Now I think that couples who choose not to have kids understand how much it will change their lives and realize that it's not for them beforehand - which is great! I would never trade what I have but now I can completely understand the other side of the coin of wanting to do what you want, when you want to and not have to worry about a person that is completely dependent on you.

There are so many rich and rewarding ways to spend your life other than being a parent. I don't think it's insensitive to ask if you have children but to ask why not, well that is rude.

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