Childless by Choice...or Not

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Posted by tourist

I don't think I get judged too much--probably because I havent' said we arent' going to ever, but I am starting to feel like I don't fit in.

I was at a party last week, most of the people there had kids or were expecting, so it was a frequent topic of conversation.

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Posted by Shelly


BTW, its not just for childless couples. I have 1 child am constantly getting - when are you having another. Its so unfair to DD to only have one.

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Doesn't bother me.

They can all bite me..I don't answer after the initial question.

They ask if I have kids and I say no. I have lots of other blessings.

If I went into the whole thing I would go postal on someone.

I'm learning that there are important things in life and things that are annoying.

Having a baby is important to me and DH and I will try everything I can to do that within reason.

The people that judge me are..well, just annoying.

It can wear on you though. I'm not saying it can't.

I keep the important/annoying perspective as much as possible. It was good advice given to me by someone I admire and it has served me well so far.

Lisa, I know how it hurts. It's terrible. These people are just ignorant. Ignorance shouldn't be the excuse but it is. These are the times we turn to the ones that understand for support.

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Posted by tourist


I also see in my community, that families know each other because of the kids, and are invovled in activiites beacuse of the kids, aso I always feel osrt of liek a visitor, or temportrary reisdent, even though I wona hoem & have beemn there for 2 years and will probably be there for a while.

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The decision to have children is a personal one that should remain between the two people who are married to each other. End of story. Ditto for how many you choose to have, etc.

For some reason, people think it is okay to comment on this, to ask rude, invasive questions, and to offer their opinions. I think this is terrible. The couple who cannot have children get their feelings hurt when asked, and the couple that chooses not to have children has to "DEFEND" their choice!?

I get very sad when I hear stories like the one that was posted about the woman who harassed you at the grocery store. That makes my blood boil. No one should deal with that type of behavior.

Yes asking why is rude. I think if you don't know anyone who experienced IF, you don't know just how rude it is or how much pain you can cause. But as the pp said ignorance is no excuse.

I think it's normal to ask "do you have kids?" when you're playing catch-up with someone after highschool. I saw someone I knew on Facebook who is 40 & posted photos of mainly her dog & a little girl. Since she posted to me about my kids, I asked if she had any. Even then I was hesitant because there were only a few of the little girl & tons of the dogs. When she responded no, I commented on her adorable furbabies.

Realizing I'm not in your shoes (should I even be answering this post??) I think the best way to answer the why quesiton depends on who is asking & how you're feeling at the time. I would probably answer in a way that will illicit the least amount of questions & cause you the least amount of angst.

I'm going to go out on a limb & it's probably not really the case that they're thinking less of you or that you've done something wrong. I can't imagine anyone I know thinking less of someone for not having kids (unless they're throwing their judgements around about poor parenting, then it gets as touchy as bringing a dog with you to the supermarket).

I agree for those that have kids, life revolves around them for some time. And yes there are times my bad days are made less worse if I have a wonderful child. There are also those days I have a little maniacal SOB on my hands that thinks the world revolves around them...and that makes my bad day worse. I think of it along the lines of being married. Some days snuggling up to the man you love rules. Other days, you've wondered why a uterus means you have to iron shirts & he shouldn't.

That doesn't mean your life needs to revolve around kids if you don't want it to. We'll still invite you to our kids parties because we adore you. We'll invite you out for drinks because well..we need to get out! But if you feel like you need something to fill the gap of being childless, then find something else - whether it be volunteer work, a hobby, travel, etc. Make something else your passion - everyone needs a passion that is theirs. This is probably going to come out wrong but if someone had children & made them their only passion, I'd want to flee from them. That's the mom yelling "Go Jenny Penny! You can do it...Go Dolly" that I'm texting my friend about on the sidelines of a soccer game. Everyone needs something of their own. Let's face it, kids grow up & start their own lives. We're going to need something else in our lives when they've started theirs.

Spend time with the people that get you -whether it be childless or not. I wouldn't suggest vacationing with people with children because..well we suck. We need to end our night early unless we have a babysitter - and even then we need to get up early. Dealing with a child & a hangover isn't a good combination. But please, please, please...invite us to vacation WITHOUT the kids.

We went to JazzFest last year with a couple without kids. DH told me ahead of time that they were childless (not by choice) and to limit talking about kids. I felt like I was back in college, staying up till the wee hours, talking about bands, philosophy, etc. Not one conversation about potty training...lots of discussions over work. Best thing ever!

As I said I don't know that I should have responded & I haven't walked in anyone else's shoes. Just my observations.

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Posted by LisaW

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Posted by tourist


I also see in my community, that families know each other because of the kids, and are invovled in activiites beacuse of the kids, aso I always feel osrt of liek a visitor, or temportrary reisdent, even though I wona hoem & have beemn there for 2 years and will probably be there for a while.

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yes, this is another big issue...I totally feel like an outsider...everyone knows each other b/c of their children...

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Posted by LisaW

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Posted by tourist

I also see in my community, that families know each other because of the kids, and are invovled in activiites beacuse of the kids, aso I always feel osrt of liek a visitor, or temportrary reisdent, even though I wona hoem & have beemn there for 2 years and will probably be there for a while.

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yes, this is another big issue...I totally feel like an outsider...everyone knows each other b/c of their children...

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People need to realize that just because choices may not work for them - they can still work for others! Whenever someone doesn't agree with something I do or how I live my life I tell them that I like to live it under my terms and hey, it might not work for you... but it works for me!

Let them judge - they are going to do it anyway whether I try to avoid it or not or whether I care or not.

People's intolerance of our various differences can be so insensitive.

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Posted by nrthshgrl

If you want to feel like part of your community, then get involved in whatever you're interested in.

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Message edited 3/6/2009 12:38:20 PM.

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Posted by nrthshgrl



I think it's normal to ask "do you have kids?" when you're playing catch-up with someone after highschool. I

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I'm recently married (5 months) and I'm asked a lot when DH and I are going to have a baby. He is 42 and I'm 35 so we are not getting any younger and they tell me that but, I'm not even sure if I want a baby. All of my friends have children and I've witnessed first hand how it totally changes the parent into this wonderful accepting person and the bond is something everyone should experience BUT, I will not have a child in this economy. Our finances need to be in order and we need to be "ready" in ever sense of the word regardless of age.

So, instead of being honest with people by telling them I'm unsure about it. I say that we want to wait a year and enjoy our 1st year together, getting our finances in order, etc. But, they always have a way to get around it. It drives me crazy!!

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Posted by Kara

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Posted by nrthshgrl



I think it's normal to ask "do you have kids?" when you're playing catch-up with someone after highschool. I

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(Sorry for just picking out this one sentence - trying to cut down on the giant quotes)

I agree that "Do you have kids?" is a normal question.

"When are you going to have kids?" "Do you want kids?" and "Why don't you have any kids?" are not. These are rude questions.

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Posted by nrthshgrl

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Posted by Kara

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Posted by nrthshgrl



I think it's normal to ask "do you have kids?" when you're playing catch-up with someone after highschool. I

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(Sorry for just picking out this one sentence - trying to cut down on the giant quotes)

I agree that "Do you have kids?" is a normal question.

"When are you going to have kids?" "Do you want kids?" and "Why don't you have any kids?" are not. These are rude questions.

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I absolutely agree. But I felt that way before I had kids. I was being harassed about having kids before I was married. At one point I told DH I was going to answer "I'll let you know when I stop having recreational sex." It is none of people's business.

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I wish people would just learn to MYOB!!! It really is such a personal decision about children and it shouldn't matter why you don't have any...ppl just need to live and let live.

DH and I get the baby questions from his family like crazy. His dad says I am "denying him" a grandkid because we should have had a baby already -- heck he didn't understand why we didn't get pregnant before we were married! 2 yrs after our wedding, he's acting like we are the most evil people for not wanting a kid yet.

Eventually we will have one -- BUT -- for now I enjoy having wknds off to do whatever and just BE. You shouldn't have to explain yourself or feel like anyone needs an explanation.

We have friends who are childless, others who have toddlers & babies, while others that have teenagers and tweens -- and I'm glad our friends who have kids don't ever feel like they need to alienate us and only be friends with those people who have kids.

I really don't care if people don't choose to have children...if anything its better for the environment (less stress on natural resources)...so more power to them.

We thought about this for awhile, but we decided to have a family, but honestly, I don't really care if another couple decides not to...its not affecting me

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Posted by MrsPJB2007

DH and I get the baby questions from his family like crazy. His dad says I am "denying him" a grandkid because we should have had a baby already --

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Posted by MrsPJB2007
I'm glad our friends who have kids don't ever feel like they need to alienate us and only be friends with those people who have kids.

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To be honest, I couldn't understand how a couple could choose to not have children until I had a child. I would never have said anything to indicate that, but I admit I couldn't understand....

Now that I have a child I realize the incredible sacrifice that having a child entails. I don't think I completely got it until I had a child. Now I think that couples who choose not to have kids understand how much it will change their lives and realize that it's not for them beforehand - which is great! I would never trade what I have but now I can completely understand the other side of the coin of wanting to do what you want, when you want to and not have to worry about a person that is completely dependent on you.

There are so many rich and rewarding ways to spend your life other than being a parent. I don't think it's insensitive to ask if you have children but to ask why not, well that is rude.

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Posted by tourist
When I was in HS, my boyfriend's mother's idea of a safe sex talk, was yelling "I'm too young to be a grandma!" at him before the prom, so perhaps you should tell your FIL he is too young to be a grandpa!

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Posted by lululu



Now I think that couples who choose not to have kids understand how much it will change their lives and realize that it's not for them beforehand - which is great!

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