Long Island Forums > Adoption

Telling your children they are adopted.

Posted By	Message
JenniferEver	How and when do you plan to do this? From experience, i think it's really important that they know and accept it formevery early on. I found out as a teenager and it was a horrible experience. My parents didn't want to hurt me, but they were really afraid.... Anyway, i thought this was an important discussion to start! Posted 3/3/06 1:09 PM
michele31	Since our son will be a different race my situation may be a bit different. My son will always know he is adopted. There is not going to be a "big secret day". I think that must have been awful to experience. We already have children adoption books in the house. We will be telling him the story of his adoption, in age apporiate ways, from day 1. We plan on honoring his birthfamily and remember them on special occasions. After all, they will have given me an amazing gift of love. We are very proud that he is adopted and we want him to be proud of that too. Posted 3/3/06 1:26 PM
FranM	Jack was 19 months old when we adopted him. We have been open about adoption from the start. At 2.5 he dosent yet understand what adoption means but we talk about it. Posted 3/3/06 3:32 PM
Susan	Posted by michele31 Since our son will be a different race my situation may be a bit different. My son will always know he is adopted. There is not going to be a "big secret day". I think that must have been awful to experience. We already have children adoption books in the house. We will be telling him the story of his adoption, in age apporiate ways, from day 1. We plan on honoring his birthfamily and remember them on special occasions. After all, they will have given me an amazing gift of love. We are very proud that he is adopted and we want him to be proud of that too. I could have written this myself. Ditto. Posted 3/3/06 7:31 PM
JenniferEver	I know you are going to make it clear to your child anyway, but just because children are a different race doens't mean they will "know". I knew kids growing up who were adopted and it was so clear they were adopted b/c they were a different race from their parents and they still didn't know. I don't think a kid will make that connection on their own very easily, mommy is stilll mommy, even if she's a different color. Posted 3/3/06 10:38 PM
Susan	Posted by marymoon I know you are going to make it clear to your child anyway, but just because children are a different race doens't mean they will "know". I knew kids growing up who were adopted and it was so clear they were adopted b/c they were a different race from their parents and they still didn't know. I don't think a kid will make that connection on their own very easily, mommy is stilll mommy, even if she's a different color. Good point, but that in combination with talks, books and complete openness should do the trick. Plus, at my house we're going to celebrate Gotcha Day every year to celebrate the day we took our baby home from Korea. Posted 3/4/06 8:21 AM
FranM	I know there will come a time when Jack really understands that another women gave birth to him and that it will be a difficult thing for him to go through. By talking openly about adoption and always showing him how much we love and cherish him we hope to make that reality easier to accept. Posted 3/4/06 11:57 AM
JenniferEver	Posted by FranM I know there will come a time when Jack really understands that another women gave birth to him and that it will be a difficult thing for him to go through. By talking openly about adoption and always showing him how much we love and cherish him we hope to make that reality easier to accept. I don't think it really has to be difficult. I think if you make a child feel proud of being adopted, and as you said, show how happy you are to have him, and how he's meant to be with you, it doens't have to be hard to accept. I found out later in life, but the only thing that really bothered me was finding out so late in life. I really felt that i had been lied to. My family lucked out in terms of not hvaing to tell me because I look a lot like my mom and sister. I've heard other horror stories in my own family of adopted kids finding out late in life or from 3rd parties (as I did), and going completely off the deep end. I think as long as it's something thy assimilate from day 1, it'll be fine. In my family I'm the one who make big deal out of adoption and being open about me having been adopted. I make a point to celebrate the day I came home, and we had an adoption poem on the wall for awhile. I'm really passionate as you can tell about openness. I know I'm preaching to the choir, but there may be some lurkers or some other people reading who aren;t sure what to do, so I'm glad we can talk about this and the pros and cons. If you ever want to ask me anything about it and how I assimilated the info, I will definitely answer anything you'd like. I can imagine how it must be scary at times being an adoptive parents and worrying about how your children will react to it at differnt times in their lives. But you're all giving such a tremendous gift, and if all goes well I'll be joining this board in a few years and asking for YOUR advice. Posted 3/4/06 4:11 PM
michele31	I think that discussing adoption openly and honestly and truly be proud of our son's adoption will help guide him as will the fact that we will truly love his birthparents and hope to even met some of his birth family. We will keep in touch with them thru letters/photos. Of course our 12 month old will not understand adoption but we will do everything we can to help him understand and accept and KNOW that our family is perfect just the way it is. Posted 3/4/06 11:27 PM
Susan	Jennifer, Just wanted to let you know that I LOVE the fact that you're posting on these boards and sharing your personal experiences with us. Nothing will help us more than learning from adopted people such as yourself. Thank You! Susan Posted 3/5/06 8:45 AM
JenniferEver	Thanks Susan! It's really important to me to discuss these issues because I am an adoptee and because I plan to adopt. Posted 3/5/06 10:55 PM
Tish	As an adoptee as well and a soon to be adoptive parent, I will make sure I am open and honest with my child from day one. I have known I was adopted since I can remember. My mother is Irish and my father is Italian. I am Korean American, so although the physical differences were obvious, we still talked about adoption, but didn't overemphasize either. While it is so important to discuss and share your child's history, it seems that some adoptive parents press the adoption issue too hard at times. If I had a question about my ethnicity, my parents would willingly answer. However, they didn't constantly remind me that I was adopted. I think just making your child feel loved and secure no matter what, regardless of the situation is what matters most. I thank my birth mother for giving me life, but I thank my parents for giving me MY LIFE.... Sorry for rambling Posted 3/5/06 11:52 PM
Susan	Posted by Tish As an adoptee as well and a soon to be adoptive parent, I will make sure I am open and honest with my child from day one. I have known I was adopted since I can remember. My mother is Irish and my father is Italian. I am Korean American, so although the physical differences were obvious, we still talked about adoption, but didn't overemphasize either. While it is so important to discuss and share your child's history, it seems that some adoptive parents press the adoption issue too hard at times. If I had a question about my ethnicity, my parents would willingly answer. However, they didn't constantly remind me that I was adopted. I think just making your child feel loved and secure no matter what, regardless of the situation is what matters most. I thank my birth mother for giving me life, but I thank my parents for giving me MY LIFE.... Sorry for rambling I couldn't agree with this more. I just recently sent Sandra an FM about the same issue. I feel people focus too much on the adoption aspect and not enough on the parenting aspect. Our children do not need to be reminded every minute of every day that they are adopted; they should be reminded that frequently how much they're loved. I'm so happy you joined this board. Posted 3/6/06 10:48 AM
michele31	I think just making your child feel loved and secure no matter what, regardless of the situation is what matters most. I thank my birth mother for giving me life, but I thank my parents for giving me MY LIFE.... That is BEAUTIFUL!!! I hope someday my son can say the same thing. Posted 3/6/06 1:16 PM
jennifaaaa	Posted by Tish As an adoptee as well and a soon to be adoptive parent, I will make sure I am open and honest with my child from day one. I have known I was adopted since I can remember. My mother is Irish and my father is Italian. I am Korean American, so although the physical differences were obvious, we still talked about adoption, but didn't overemphasize either. While it is so important to discuss and share your child's history, it seems that some adoptive parents press the adoption issue too hard at times. If I had a question about my ethnicity, my parents would willingly answer. However, they didn't constantly remind me that I was adopted. I think just making your child feel loved and secure no matter what, regardless of the situation is what matters most. I thank my birth mother for giving me life, but I thank my parents for giving me MY LIFE.... Sorry for rambling Well said Franz!!! Posted 3/9/06 11:22 AM