Long Island Forums > Step-parents

Well lets see if she gets this one....- very small update ...

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Bops	Every couple of weeks we send SD a card ( if theres a holiday, its a holiday card, if not, its just a thinking of you/hello card) ..I'd say 70% of the time we don't get any reply in the mail or by phone even though DH writes to give us a call/write back and tell us how school/horsebackriding/skating etc...is- but we keep doing it and will continue to...We have a feeling that her mail gets intercepted and she doesnt even get to see it- DH sends it certified and it needs to be signed for, so we know its making it to the house...We just got a Halloween card to send from my DS and its really cute, it has his picture on it and he recorded a greeting inside saying "Happy Halloween K.." and he was so excited ( even though the poor kid hasnt seen her in 2 years, to him its his sister) The last card we sent in September was to tell her good luck on her 1st day of school and we put a few pics of DS in there for her and he drew her a picure ( well a face )..no reply In August we sent her a card to tell her we had some good news to tell her ( that there was a new baby brother/sisiter on the way)and wouldnt you know- She actually called ! Guess BM couldnt stand not knowing what the news was and my SD actually got that letter ! And the sick part is that whenever SD sends us a letter back, theres always a tear in the side of the envelope -EVERY TIME ! In other words, the BM is opening the letter to read it first ....Anyway, if anyone has any ideas on how to have the best odds of SD getting our mail- let me know..We've tried sending it regualr mail also, hoping maybe my SD or her sister is allowed to go to the mailbox etc. and it doesnt seem to make a difference 11-6-08 : Well we got signature confirmation that SD's mother signed for the card - ironically on a Tuesday afternoon when she supposedly works , and my SD is off from school for Election Day so lets see if we get charged for childcare, even though she was home ....Now hopefully it was given to my SD, I guess we'll wait and see if we get a reply unless my DH calls there to see if she got it first ... Message edited 11/6/2008 11:23:47 AM. Posted 10/29/08 4:02 PM
KimberlyScott	IDK.....Can you send it to her school? Address it to her teacher and in another envelope put your SD's name on it? From the way it sounds you have no other choice to send it elsewhere. Posted 10/29/08 4:16 PM
Bops	Posted by KimberlyScott IDK.....Can you send it to her school? Address it to her teacher and in another envelope put your SD's name on it? From the way it sounds you have no other choice to send it elsewhere. I would say we could do that- but I have a feeling "it would hit the fan" if you know what I mean...The last time my DH went down to my SD school ( this was back 2 years ago when all of this started) , the teacher had called my DH to have a conference with him to discuss why my SD was so upset...The BM went ballistic that my DH was called and not her and that my DH spoke to the teacher without her there- so I'm thinking that if he sent anything to the school and the BM caught wind of it (which she would) that it would really cause a big problem Posted 10/29/08 4:23 PM
KimberlyScott	OH, what a witch!! I'm new to this board. Can I ask why you haven't seen her in two years? Posted 10/29/08 4:27 PM
Bops	Well long story short ( hopefully) My SD is almost 11 , I have been with DH since she was 4 months old ( DH and BM never married, unplanned suprise I guess you could say)...I'm married to DH for 7.5 years...DH has joint custody and we had regular visitations with her for just about 8 years but throughout those years BM did whatever she could to sabotage their relationship with PAS (parental alienation syndrome), luckily SD bond with DH was great...The PAS got heightened when DH and I got engaged, got worse when we got married and eventually we hit the ice-berg after our DS was born ( 3 years ago) BM went off the deep-end and basically brainwashed my SD against us, after she lost in family court trying to get a support increase.... ( If you read some of my other posts on this board, you'll get a better idea of what i'm saying ) My DH tried for just about a year - heartache after heartache to try and reverse what was done to no avail- So now its been about 2 years, SD won't come to visit with us because of God knows the BM has told her and all contact has been mainly via mail or phone only...We are that with time, something will give ... Message edited 10/29/2008 4:49:57 PM. Posted 10/29/08 4:40 PM
KimberlyScott	That is really sad and for the life of me I can't understand why or how a mother could do that to their child. Just know that In time she will come to realize that you guys have been there for her. Posted 10/29/08 4:54 PM
Lucky2008	I had tears in my eyes reading your post about DS drawing her pictures and sending her cards. He should have a relationship with his sister. It is so sad that these children suffer at the hands of crazy mom's who seem to be jealous when dad has found a new life and wants to include his child/ren in that new life. I don't know what else you can do other than walking to her front door and ringing the doorbell until she opens (I know easier said than done - trust me) but you just wish you could just do that. Question, how was DH's relationship with maybe BM mother/family? Maybe you can send the card to them and hopefully they can give it to SD? Probably a stretch but just a thought. Posted 10/29/08 7:40 PM
Bops	Posted by Lucky2008 I had tears in my eyes reading your post about DS drawing her pictures and sending her cards. He should have a relationship with his sister. It is so sad that these children suffer at the hands of crazy mom's who seem to be jealous when dad has found a new life and wants to include his child/ren in that new life. I don't know what else you can do other than walking to her front door and ringing the doorbell until she opens (I know easier said than done - trust me) but you just wish you could just do that. Question, how was DH's relationship with maybe BM mother/family? Maybe you can send the card to them and hopefully they can give it to SD? Probably a stretch but just a thought. Thank You Actually the only member of BM family that she speaks to is her sister who lives in Virginia- The BM had found a way to not have a relationship with her mother, father (divorced) and 2 brothers- this is the kind of person she is- so basically my SD also has no extended family ( meanwhile my DH has 6 brothers & sisters and his mom, SD's cousins etc... and my whole family ) I had met my SD maternal grandmother in the very very beginning and thought she seemed like a genuinely nice person, but after the BM had a falling out with her (reasons unknown)- my DH asked SD how her grandma was and my SD said " she's mean to my mom" - we knew she was doing the same thing to them that she has done to us...Her one brother she took to court over some kind of partnership w/ a house or something ( so no relationship there) and not sure the story with the other brother or father (DH never met them)...the only reason that she speaks to her older sister ( who also seems very nice) is probably because she has some high profile gov't job and is very together and probably in her strange convoluted mind, thinks having someone with that type of staure could come in handy or "look good" around - hard to explain...Her sister was always very genuine to me and DH, kissing us hello etc.. so I'm wondering if her sister ever knew what was going on- you could see on BM face that it made her irate-Who knows what she tells the sister now ( although the sister liked my DH a lot, you could tell) and I'm sure she has BM # , but maybe feels bad for her since its her younger sister...I wish we did still have a way to keep in contact with my SD's grandma, she probably feels a lot of the same feelings we have, not being able to have a relationship with her grandaughter- Its a really sad thing- My SD has had a bubble built around her - Its just not right Posted 10/29/08 8:50 PM
hbugal	Email??? AIM??? Cell phone??? Have you tried calling from a blocked # when you know the BM isnt home??? Does the BM stay when she has her horseback riding lessons? How about going to the stable????? Posted 10/29/08 9:33 PM
Bops	Posted by hbugal Email??? AIM??? Cell phone??? Have you tried calling from a blocked # when you know the BM isnt home??? Does the BM stay when she has her horseback riding lessons? How about going to the stable????? From what SD had said (granted this was 2 years ago) - she and her sister were not allowed to have an e-mail address....Good question about the cell phone, not sure that she has one of those (but if she did, BM would probably have tried to find a way for DH to pay 1/2 ) We know from back when that SD is not allowed to answer the phone when BM isnt home- DH does call from our house ( we have a blocked #, but w/ their house you have to use *82) and when the step-father answers, SD doesn't get the message if shes not home (or BM doesnt relay it- who knows) BM always stayed for ice lessons so I would get guess she stays for horseback lessons (they are only an hour)...I'm hoping that if we can get a line of communication going again, that we can start going to the stable/ or her cheerleading competitions- maybe if its in a public place SD will be more receptive ( either that or she'll be a mess )...I keep up with the cheer competitions online and my DH is going to make mention of one of the wins they just had in the card, so that at least if she does get the card, she will know that we try to keep up to date on her school and extracurriculars....I guess we are going to have to hope that as many cards and letters slip through the cracks as possible ( or that BM is having a "happy" day and lets her have them)..We keep copies of everything we mail, so one day she can see them all, since she's not now I wonder at what age, children start to really think on their own - I try to remember being that age and I can't really remember ...As I've mentioned my SD underneath is a very good girl and very sensitive just like my DH , I'm waiting for her to show through Posted 10/29/08 10:17 PM
1stimemom	I just want to give you 10 million hugs right now, Bops. You are really trying your absolute hardest here, and although I can relate to what you are going through (for the most part), I think you are so strong and so good to keep fighting every single day. Not alot of people would do that, especially being put through what you have, especially not a "wicked stepmom". So here's to you Bops! Please keep your head up and know that one day, no matter how far off, she will recognise the efforts Posted 10/30/08 2:25 AM
Bops	Thank you so much It really means a lot to me - For almost 8 years , she essentially was my child , maybe not biologically and I never tried to replace her mother or the "mother" role, but we had a bond-and she is my DH's flesh and blood and thats all that mattered....It almost feels like the grieving from a death- hard to put into words, but when someone is a huge part of your life for such a long time and they virtually disappear , its a loss you feel...I can only imagine how DH feels inside, he's not as vocal as I am and I think its really hard for him to talk about it as often as he would like to....Sometimes , in a strange way, I almost feel like the way BM treats him is my fault because , if he was unhappy she would leave him alone and let them be- then the rational side of me kicks in and says that its ridiculous and I know it is....All we can hope for is that one day our efforts pay off, who knows if we are approaching this whole thing the right way, but for now, it seems like the only way to do it ...Thanks you again Posted 10/30/08 9:20 AM
Lucky2008	Posted by Bops Thank you so much It really means a lot to me - For almost 8 years , she essentially was my child , maybe not biologically and I never tried to replace her mother or the "mother" role, but we had a bond-and she is my DH's flesh and blood and thats all that mattered....It almost feels like the grieving from a death- hard to put into words, but when someone is a huge part of your life for such a long time and they virtually disappear , its a loss you feel...I can only imagine how DH feels inside, he's not as vocal as I am and I think its really hard for him to talk about it as often as he would like to....Sometimes , in a strange way, I almost feel like the way BM treats him is my fault because , if he was unhappy she would leave him alone and let them be- then the rational side of me kicks in and says that its ridiculous and I know it is....All we can hope for is that one day our efforts pay off, who knows if we are approaching this whole thing the right way, but for now, it seems like the only way to do it ...Thanks you again My DH said the same thing about his daughter, he feels like he lost her and feels ilke he is mourning her. I am not sure what age they start to come around but hopefully it is soon. My SD doesn't sound as sweet and sensitive as yours, I have witnessed her punch her father several times and call him all sorts of horrible things...my heart hurts for him too. Posted 10/30/08 12:23 PM
Bops	Posted by Lucky2008 My DH said the same thing about his daughter, he feels like he lost her and feels ilke he is mourning her. I am not sure what age they start to come around but hopefully it is soon. My SD doesn't sound as sweet and sensitive as yours, I have witnessed her punch her father several times and call him all sorts of horrible things...my heart hurts for him too. It really is almost like a death- I also hope that your situation make a turn for the better also - all we can do is try and hope in the meantime...Is very hard not to give up- but if you do, the only one in the end who "wins' (if you want to call it that) is the BM ...Its a really sad thing Posted 10/30/08 3:34 PM