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| maybeamommy |
If you don't mind my asking...
What would be something appropriate to say?
I don't mean that in a mean way at all, I am literally just curious of what you could say to someone in that situation.
I read all of the comments and have realized that I have said many of those things before (NOT what goes around comes around!) but things like "It wasn't meant to be" or "At least you know you can get pregnant" or "Better now than later in the pregancy") and I never meant them to be hurtful at all, I always thought of them as sort of comforting things to say in a difficult and very uncomfortable time.
I think sometimes we try to look for the positive in situations, instead of dwelling on the negative.
It's like when people say things to me about TTC - "Just relax and it will happen" - or things like that. I try not to let them bother me because I know the person means well. What would I rather them say? "You've been trying 13 months? Sounds like it will NEVER happen for you. That's too bad!" Of course not, right? I think it's one of those situations where you just don't know what to say, so you fall back on those lovely cliches. KWIM?
Posted 9/26/08 11:21 AM
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| davenjess |
I hope you all know that this thread is helping me learn the things I shouldn't do...but I do have to echo Maybeamommy's sentiment... What IS okay to say???
as an outsider looking in....i think when people say SOME things, you have to consider the source.
in my case - i truly have doubts that i am going to be capable of getting pregnant on my own (due to health issues, etc.), without medical intervention, so the fact that you ladies were able to conceive...while it did not end in a way ANYONE would ever wish, you were capable of doing something that millions of people cannot (myself included)...
Posted 9/26/08 11:28 AM
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| MrsMessina |
There really is nothing to say to someone going through this except:
"I'm sorry, and I'm here for you". :hug (or just I'm sorry)...
Posted 9/26/08 11:41 AM
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| MrsMessina |
Posted by maybeamommy
It's like when people say things to me about TTC - "Just relax and it will happen" - or things like that. I try not to let them bother me because I know the person means well. What would I rather them say? "You've been trying 13 months? Sounds like it will NEVER happen for you. That's too bad!" Of course not, right? I think it's one of those situations where you just don't know what to say, so you fall back on those lovely cliches. KWIM?
I've been trying for over 4 1/2 years. I've been through clomid, IUIs, and now IVF... all to get pregnant and then miscarry. "at least you can get pregnant" isn't comforting to me--- who cares if you can GET pregnant if you can't STAY pregnant- to me, now having gone through it, it hursts worse than had I just gotten yet another BFN- b/c now I know there was a life at stake, and our baby is gone. 
The reason I quoted what you wrote (and my above paragraph isn't directed at you but just in general).... is because I think that if those people KNOW that you've been trying that long, they should either keep their mouth shut, or just say once again as in my PP, "I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish nothing but good things for you. I'm here for you".
Unfortunately, 99.9% of things ppl say in both of these situations are things that we on the other end could live w/o. JMO. 
Posted 9/26/08 11:45 AM
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| MrsRbk |
Posted by MrsMessina
There really is nothing to say to someone going through this except:
"I'm sorry, and I'm here for you". :hug (or just I'm sorry)...
ITA w/ this. If you don't know what to say, this is the best answer. I really didn't want to talk about my m/c witih anyone other than my husband. The best thing to do is just let that person know you are there for them if they need to talk and leave it at that. I secluded myself for a while, did not answer the phone, emails, etc, until I was ready to.
Posted 9/26/08 11:50 AM
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| sleepie76 |
Posted by maybeamommy
If you don't mind my asking...
What would be something appropriate to say?
I don't mean that in a mean way at all, I am literally just curious of what you could say to someone in that situation.
I read all of the comments and have realized that I have said many of those things before (NOT what goes around comes around!) but things like "It wasn't meant to be" or "At least you know you can get pregnant" or "Better now than later in the pregancy") and I never meant them to be hurtful at all, I always thought of them as sort of comforting things to say in a difficult and very uncomfortable time.
I think sometimes we try to look for the positive in situations, instead of dwelling on the negative.
It's like when people say things to me about TTC - "Just relax and it will happen" - or things like that. I try not to let them bother me because I know the person means well. What would I rather them say? "You've been trying 13 months? Sounds like it will NEVER happen for you. That's too bad!" Of course not, right? I think it's one of those situations where you just don't know what to say, so you fall back on those lovely cliches. KWIM?
I agree. I think it's similar to the same situation with comments that you get TTC.
Perhaps it's the frequency you hear them and get tired of hearing them. I think in both TTC & miscarriage situations there is nothing anyone can say that can make it better.
I prefer :
"thats sucks"
"i'm sorry"
"it will happen"
I think that covers it and is enough said.
I hated "it wasn't meant to be" or "it just wasn't the right time."
I felt it implies that the pregnancy was taken away for a reason and that was the last thing I wanted to hear a couple days after a loss.
none of the other ones bother me, but that is probably because I don't talk about my miscarriages IRL, so I dont get the comments as frequently.
Message edited 9/26/2008 12:22:04 PM.
Posted 9/26/08 12:19 PM
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| mom2mgn |
Posted by MrsMessina
There really is nothing to say to someone going through this except:
"I'm sorry, and I'm here for you". :hug (or just I'm sorry)...
Exactly. Or, just a hug helps.
My MIL said to me "oh, well, you really didn't need another one anyway" !!!!!!!! I still hate her for saying that. Out of the million of things you could have said, you come up with that????!!!!
Posted 9/26/08 1:04 PM
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| IrishLass |
Posted by myson220
Posted by MrsMessina
There really is nothing to say to someone going through this except:
"I'm sorry, and I'm here for you". :hug (or just I'm sorry)...
Exactly. Or, just a hug helps.
My MIL said to me "oh, well, you really didn't need another one anyway" !!!!!!!! I still hate her for saying that. Out of the million of things you could have said, you come up with that????!!!!
OMG, I think I would have killed her.
Posted 9/26/08 1:08 PM
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| JennyPenny |
Posted by kahlua716
Posted by Sneezy
Do you want to tell me what stupid reason exists for this, @$$hole?
Many times miscarriages occur when there is something wong with the fetus-maybe that is what she meant.
I know that when my sister had a miscarriage I said a few of these things- of course not while she was in the hospital or anything- but as she was recovering.
It was kind of a silver lining thing- you know- at least you know now that conceiving isn't the problem (which I now know wasn't exactly true) and that things DO happen for a reason (meaning the problem was most likely a chromosomal abnormality) and that it was better off that she had a miscarriage than that she went full term and delivered a baby that would not survive.
I see now that these things are hurtful- but it is hurtful to me to see that I could've been being called an a$$hole behind my back just because I can't understand and was trying to be nice.
I'm glad I know now to just keep my mouth shut.
PS- sorry for crashing- just wanted to give the other side of the coin, in my case anyway.
Some things are hurtful, yes, but nothing you said to me was hurtful. You were very comforting and supportive, and I am very glad you were there in my time of need.
Don't listen to these people. You are not an @sshole, and were never perceived as one. Do not "keep your mouth shut" next time. (hopefully there won't be one)
These women are still healing and do not pertain to me. If I ever have to go through another miscarriage, it is nice to know you will be there for me.
PS This is not to offend anyone. Just have to speak my mind and defend my sister.
Message edited 9/26/2008 2:26:34 PM.
Posted 9/26/08 2:16 PM
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| MrsRbk |
Posted by JennyPenny
Posted by kahlua716
Posted by Sneezy
Do you want to tell me what stupid reason exists for this, @$$hole?
Many times miscarriages occur when there is something wong with the fetus-maybe that is what she meant.
I know that when my sister had a miscarriage I said a few of these things- of course not while she was in the hospital or anything- but as she was recovering.
It was kind of a silver lining thing- you know- at least you know now that conceiving isn't the problem (which I now know wasn't exactly true) and that things DO happen for a reason (meaning the problem was most likely a chromosomal abnormality) and that it was better off that she had a miscarriage than that she went full term and delivered a baby that would not survive.
I see now that these things are hurtful- but it is hurtful to me to see that I could've been being called an a$$hole behind my back just because I can't understand and was trying to be nice.
I'm glad I know now to just keep my mouth shut.
PS- sorry for crashing- just wanted to give the other side of the coin, in my case anyway.
Some things are hurtful, yes, but nothing you said to me was hurtful. You were very comforting and supportive, and I am very glad you were there in my time of need.
Don't listen to these people. You are not an @sshole, and were never perceived as one. Do not "keep your mouth shut" next time. (hopefully there won't be one)
These women are still healing and do not pertain to me. If I ever have to go through another miscarriage, it is nice to know you will be there for me.
PS This is not to offend anyone. Just have to speak my mind and defend my sister.
I understand wanting to defend your sister, but nowhere here did anyone call her an @sshole. The OP was just expressing her emotions towards the person that said that to her.
Posted 9/26/08 2:56 PM
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| JennyPenny |
Posted by MrsRbk
Posted by JennyPenny
Posted by kahlua716
Posted by Sneezy
Do you want to tell me what stupid reason exists for this, @$$hole?
Many times miscarriages occur when there is something wong with the fetus-maybe that is what she meant.
I know that when my sister had a miscarriage I said a few of these things- of course not while she was in the hospital or anything- but as she was recovering.
It was kind of a silver lining thing- you know- at least you know now that conceiving isn't the problem (which I now know wasn't exactly true) and that things DO happen for a reason (meaning the problem was most likely a chromosomal abnormality) and that it was better off that she had a miscarriage than that she went full term and delivered a baby that would not survive.
I see now that these things are hurtful- but it is hurtful to me to see that I could've been being called an a$$hole behind my back just because I can't understand and was trying to be nice.
I'm glad I know now to just keep my mouth shut.
PS- sorry for crashing- just wanted to give the other side of the coin, in my case anyway.
Some things are hurtful, yes, but nothing you said to me was hurtful. You were very comforting and supportive, and I am very glad you were there in my time of need.
Don't listen to these people. You are not an @sshole, and were never perceived as one. Do not "keep your mouth shut" next time. (hopefully there won't be one)
These women are still healing and do not pertain to me. If I ever have to go through another miscarriage, it is nice to know you will be there for me.
PS This is not to offend anyone. Just have to speak my mind and defend my sister.
I understand wanting to defend your sister, but nowhere here did anyone call her an @sshole. The OP was just expressing her emotions towards the person that said that to her.
I know that noone was calling her that. The reason I said that was because my sister said that since she said those things to me when I miscarried, she was hurt that she could have been being called an a-hole behind her back because of what she was saying. I was just reassuring her that that wasn't the case, because not everyone feels the way some of these ladies feel about the "comforting" advice people try to give.
Posted 9/26/08 3:23 PM
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| faithann |
My neighbor actually said, "Well, your house is too small anyway. Where would you have put the baby?"
Posted 9/26/08 3:57 PM
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| dgirl |
Posted by maybeamommy
If you don't mind my asking...
What would be something appropriate to say?
I don't mean that in a mean way at all, I am literally just curious of what you could say to someone in that situation.
I read all of the comments and have realized that I have said many of those things before (NOT what goes around comes around!) but things like "It wasn't meant to be" or "At least you know you can get pregnant" or "Better now than later in the pregancy") and I never meant them to be hurtful at all, I always thought of them as sort of comforting things to say in a difficult and very uncomfortable time.
I think sometimes we try to look for the positive in situations, instead of dwelling on the negative.
It's like when people say things to me about TTC - "Just relax and it will happen" - or things like that. I try not to let them bother me because I know the person means well. What would I rather them say? "You've been trying 13 months? Sounds like it will NEVER happen for you. That's too bad!" Of course not, right? I think it's one of those situations where you just don't know what to say, so you fall back on those lovely cliches. KWIM?
This is such a good question and the very things that hurt me or upset me that people said are things I could have said before going through this.
The most comforting things that have been said to me are:
"I'm so sorry for your loss"
"I'm here for you."
Also friends / family just saying to come over or out even if all we want to do is cry on their shoulder or scream our heads off at how much it hurts. I think it is the positive spin that makes me feel bad because from my point of view, when I am really hurting, there is just no possible upside.
But I do know and acknowledge that nobody has said anything maliciously to me.
Posted 9/26/08 4:02 PM
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| sleepie76 |
Posted by JennyPenny
Posted by MrsRbk
Posted by JennyPenny
Posted by kahlua716
Posted by Sneezy
Do you want to tell me what stupid reason exists for this, @$$hole?
Many times miscarriages occur when there is something wong with the fetus-maybe that is what she meant.
I know that when my sister had a miscarriage I said a few of these things- of course not while she was in the hospital or anything- but as she was recovering.
It was kind of a silver lining thing- you know- at least you know now that conceiving isn't the problem (which I now know wasn't exactly true) and that things DO happen for a reason (meaning the problem was most likely a chromosomal abnormality) and that it was better off that she had a miscarriage than that she went full term and delivered a baby that would not survive.
I see now that these things are hurtful- but it is hurtful to me to see that I could've been being called an a$$hole behind my back just because I can't understand and was trying to be nice.
I'm glad I know now to just keep my mouth shut.
PS- sorry for crashing- just wanted to give the other side of the coin, in my case anyway.
Some things are hurtful, yes, but nothing you said to me was hurtful. You were very comforting and supportive, and I am very glad you were there in my time of need.
Don't listen to these people. You are not an @sshole, and were never perceived as one. Do not "keep your mouth shut" next time. (hopefully there won't be one)
These women are still healing and do not pertain to me. If I ever have to go through another miscarriage, it is nice to know you will be there for me.
PS This is not to offend anyone. Just have to speak my mind and defend my sister.
I understand wanting to defend your sister, but nowhere here did anyone call her an @sshole. The OP was just expressing her emotions towards the person that said that to her.
I know that noone was calling her that. The reason I said that was because my sister said that since she said those things to me when I miscarried, she was hurt that she could have been being called an a-hole behind her back because of what she was saying. I was just reassuring her that that wasn't the case, because not everyone feels the way some of these ladies feel about the "comforting" advice people try to give.
I don't think anyone should take anything on this board (or any board) personally.
The poster responded passionately with an @ssole, I'm sure there was more to that situation/story than she shared. It probably had to do with more than just the comment.
Some ladies are still hurting/bitter/angry etc and that is what this board was created for. They should be able to vent and say whatever they want.
I know that anything my family has said has always been taken as kind, even if it didnt always come out the right way.
I also know that my sister who had 4 kids by blinking an eye is such a support system for me and any comments that I didn't like I passed over because I know where they come from is a good place. She doesn't really understand what I'm going thru (which sometimes come thru in her comments) but she is my biggest fan and cheerleader. I'm thankful everyday for her.
I don't want to start a war, but I think she should be allowed to post her response without worrying about offending someone.
I understand where both of you are coming from.
I can also tell by your posts that you both have a great sister and are very fortunate.
Posted 9/26/08 9:19 PM
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| kahlua716 |
sorry- wasn't trying to cause drama- just trying to show the reason why people say what they do.
She has every right to think of people as a-holes, I was just explaining why that may not be the case though.
Posted 9/26/08 10:34 PM
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| SweetCaroline |
Posted by kahlua716
sorry- wasn't trying to cause drama- just trying to show the reason why people say what they do.
She has every right to think of people as a-holes, I was just explaining why that may not be the case though.
Having had a m/c I heard all these lines as well,
"wasn't meant to be"
"happens for a reason"
"at least you know you can get pg"
And honestly, I didn't take offense - or at least now believe all these lines b/c now I have a healthy son. Honestly, at the time, we tried about 7 months - i wasn't sure if we were experiencing IF - we had just made an appt to see and I got my BFP. So, I honestly did take comfort in knowing I could get pg. And, now that I have my son and think that had I not lost the first pg he would not be here, yes, now I believe everything happens for a reason - b/c I can't think of my life without Ryan.
But of course everyone is different and I think in general it's just to say, "I'm sorry, I'm here for you".
Posted 9/27/08 6:13 PM
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| tryin4no2 |
I've been hearing "Well, think of the fun you can have trying again."
My husbands friend "Well at least you know its not your "boys" that caused the problem." I REALLY dont like him and now I know why
Posted 10/1/08 7:52 PM
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| patti08 |
"Well at least it was early and you weren't attached to the baby." - I was stunned to silence when I heard this one.
A close relative said "Oh I was so looking forward to a baby in April, I'm so sad, I was really excited about this" I know their intentions were good but this was NOT what I needed to hear.
Posted 10/2/08 1:12 PM
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| neener1211 |
I wanted to add a good comment, one that made me feel better. I can remember the exact moment it was said to me-it stuck with me and still makes me cry (like I am writing it).
My mom said to me while in tears, "Janine, I do not know why God is taking this baby away from us, but maybe it is because he wants us to really meet the next baby. Without losing this child, we would never get to meet the next child."
I don't know why this made me feel better, but it did.
Posted 10/2/08 2:18 PM
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| sfp0701 |
I also had people say.. " You are too youg for a baby anyway and your house is too small. What would you do with a baby.". Actually those comments were all from one person and she said them over and over.....
Posted 10/2/08 3:29 PM
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