Ever feel you are part of the fiscal responsibility....

but you just don't get that "emotional" payback that you would from a birth child.

It makes me sad. I feel like they are so emotionally disconnected from me. DH sometimes wants me to think of them as my own until its something thats none of my business.

Yes. That's what makes being a step-parent so hard. We are expected to treat them as if they are "our own" but a lot of times we don't get the overwhelming love, hugs, kisses and "I love you's" as we would from "our own". It's a tough thing, and it used to discourage me from trying so hard to treat SD as my own. But you have to look at it from their point of view, too. You're NOT your stepchildren's mother. You're a woman their father married, and you didn't give birth to them. You weren't there from the day one. It's just NOT the same, and it's hard to expect children to treat you like a mother, when you're not their BM, KWIM? I know it's soooooo hard, but it's prt of our job as step-parents.

Absolutely! My SS is not an overly affectionate child to begin with so I get zip. I have been with his dad since he was 2 1/2 and he is now 11 1/2. I used to do so many cute things for him, make cupcakes for his class, valentines day bags, etc... and never felt like he had that attachment to me. But to be completely honest, now that I have a DD of my own, I can understand better. I will never treat him any different but the fact is that it is different. I had a step dad of my own but my natural father wasn't around much so I have a very strong relationship with him.

Totally!
It's a case of be involved - until we decide we don't want you to be.
I wish they published a handbook...

sure, I agreed when I married my DH to accept his obligation to SD finacially & emotionally. Many times a big portion of the financial burden fell on me. I carried our health insurance for years-at one point I was paying over $1000 a month out of my salary. I pay the bills so when things were really tight for us a few years ago & we were paying CS + extras and buying almost all of SD's clothes, jackets & shoes it really sucked.
It sucked again when BM got preggo with a guy she just met & was able to stay home with her baby for a couple of years while DH & I worked our azzes off.
While we decided not to have any kids together after we had been married 4 years & were finally ready because SD reacted so poorly to her mother having another child.

Probably the biggest slap in the face was SD's project for her italian class last year. I'm the person that does all of her school projects with her, science fair, makes the costumes for halloween & plays. So her project was to create a family tree on oaktag & write something in Italian about each family member. We spent an entire Sunday in my craft room scanning photos including photos of her mother & mother's family because I saved all of the photos DH had when I met him & put them in a photo box in chronological order so SD would have them when she's older. I was even nice enough to suggest she use an older photo of her Mom when she was about 75 lbs lighter rather than one of the more current & less flattering photos.
I wasn't really paying attention to which pictures she scanned until she started marking out the family tree. I was not included or mentioned in any way, neither was my son-her step-brother. She added her mother's baby-her half-brother but not her stepfather.
When I asked her she said "its too confusing, too complicated".
So in the end of the day, I can work to support her, buy her designer clothes, help her get an A+ on her science fair project, get her a new cell phone when she losses it for the third time BUT
I'M NOT HER FAMILY!
That is just the way it is.
I lived with my Mom & my stepdad from the time I was four years old. My stepdad was my family. I guess somehow when I married DH I thought someday SD would consider me family.

Message edited 9/15/2008 7:39:04 AM.

Yes, I deal with the same BS. SD has enough B@LLS to give me a guilt trip for not getting her school clothes this year but then turn around during a discussion about parenting and insinuate that i'm not really her "mom" and how DH makes the rules (as if she follows those anyway). Meanwhile, whenever they want to go on vacation or need phone's, ipods, bdays, Christmas...whatever....they never hesitate to ask. Not only financially, when SD is throwing a tantrum (yes she's 13!!) and my DH yells at her, she runs to me and says how I "always make it better." It just makes me sad how she passes those snide comments.

I guess I can't complain, overall if I say something they do listen to me. However, I also get upset when I don't get the acknowledgement I feel I deserve. Then again....neither does DH.

It makes me sad too...

I have a very good relationship with my step-sons, but it is VERY hard dealing with the fact that they are like my own when it comes to financial responsibilities, but not like my own in any other way.

They've told me they love me once and only once. It was the strangest thing. We were dropping them off a couple of years ago and they said I love you sooo much. They never said it again... At least they tell Thomas they love him all the time.