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| EmmaNick |
Posted by tabrtm
You are much better than I am. I won't go away if SS is there. He's 7 and I WILL NEVER share a bedroom with him. My DS is 4 months old. DH now has issues because DS has gone away, but SS has not. Oh well! Let him go away with his mother!!!
Wow. How sad 
I had a step mother with that attitude. It's sad for the kids 
I never understood why people "sign up" to be step parents if they don't want to fully accept their SO's child as their own (regardless of how much you dislike the ex wife/husband) 
Posted 8/21/08 10:13 PM
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| clwp |
Posted by Summerrluvv
Posted by tabrtm
You are much better than I am. I won't go away if SS is there. He's 7 and I WILL NEVER share a bedroom with him. My DS is 4 months old. DH now has issues because DS has gone away, but SS has not. Oh well! Let him go away with his mother!!!
Wow. How sad
I had a step mother with that attitude. It's sad for the kids
I never understood why people "sign up" to be step parents if they don't want to fully accept their SO's child as their own (regardless of how much you dislike the ex wife/husband)
You don't sign up... you fall in love with a man. No one really wants it in most cases we aren't looking for it. I cried when I realized I was in love with DH... I didn't want to be, but it just happened. I didn't even want to date him at first b/c he had a child. Someone encouraged me to give HIM a chance. I did and we clicked. Again, to love a child you have NO input in the life of as much as your own... I'd like to be able to begin to understand that. You also have to realize that ex wives/husbands are not people we are born to hate... but how would you feel if a biomom rips you a new one b/c you tell your DH that as SS's father you should have a right to be involved in decisions.... SS told mommy I said that and next thing you knew DH had a voice mail saying how I was a "bad influence on HER child" and she'll take him to court to prevent him from ever seeing SS if he doesn't leave me. Unless your a s-mom you don't know the other side. I know it must be very hard to be a s-child too, but it's also hard to sit back and watch the person you love get stepped all over and get stepped all over yourself, all I wanted to do at first was to help SS. She got threatened that we'd take him from her and she did nothing but PAS and abuse us. It's very, very complicated. I really feel for kids in these situations, but on the s-mother side, I know I just bite my tongue so that my DH can even see his child on an IRREGULAR basis. I'm sure SS will write on a board one day about his father who didn't care and his evil S-mom, but it's his evil biomom he should be mad at.
Also, I hold to the fact that an unrelated woman or s-mother is setting herself up for a day in court with biomom if she sleeps in the same room - especially with a step SON! JMO All that child has to say is "yes, I sat on step mom's bed" or something like that and I hope you have Michael Jackson's lawyer to clear you of molestation charges. Not all biomom's have the best interest of their child at heart unfortunately and for some money is a much stronger influence than love for her child. In the poster's case too from the other thread - she's having other issues with DH not treating her or her DS nice at all in the name of her SS.
Message edited 8/21/2008 10:26:53 PM.
Posted 8/21/08 10:21 PM
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| EmmaNick |
Posted by clwp
Posted by Summerrluvv
Posted by tabrtm
You are much better than I am. I won't go away if SS is there. He's 7 and I WILL NEVER share a bedroom with him. My DS is 4 months old. DH now has issues because DS has gone away, but SS has not. Oh well! Let him go away with his mother!!!
Wow. How sad
I had a step mother with that attitude. It's sad for the kids
I never understood why people "sign up" to be step parents if they don't want to fully accept their SO's child as their own (regardless of how much you dislike the ex wife/husband)
You don't sign up... you fall in love with a man. No one really wants it in most cases we aren't looking for it. I cried when I realized I was in love with DH... I didn't want to be, but it just happened. I didn't even want to date him at first b/c he had a child. Someone encouraged me to give HIM a chance. I did and we clicked. Again, to love a child you have NO input in the life of as much as your own... I'd like to be able to begin to understand that. You also have to realize that ex wives/husbands are not people we are born to hate... but how would you feel if a biomom rips you a new one b/c you tell your DH that as SS's father you should have a right to be involved in decisions.... SS told mommy I said that and next thing you knew DH had a voice mail saying how I was a "bad influence on HER child" and she'll take him to court to prevent him from ever seeing SS if he doesn't leave me. Unless your a s-mom you don't know the other side. I know it must be very hard to be a s-child too, but it's also hard to sit back and watch the person you love get stepped all over and get stepped all over yourself, all I wanted to do at first was to help SS. She got threatened that we'd take him from her and she did nothing but PAS and abuse us. It's very, very complicated. I really feel for kids in these situations, but on the s-mother side, I know I just bite my tongue so that my DH can even see his child on an IRREGULAR basis. I'm sure SS will write on a board one day about his father who didn't care and his evil S-mom, but it's his evil biomom he should be mad at.
It sounds like your issue is with your SS's mother, not your SS. I have no doubt it's a tough job being a step parent. It makes me sad to read things like what I quoted in the above. I know there are some great step parents on here that are very accepting of their SC and include them in everything, but sadly reading the above makes me afraid of what my own child will endure if her dad ever gets invovled with someone. I like what another poster said, it's a package deal and that's why I'm not with DD's dad, because he wasn't very accepting of my son from my previous marriage.
Anyway, sorry to crash your board, that comment just struck a nerve with me.
Posted 8/21/08 10:29 PM
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| EmmaNick |
Posted by clwp
Also, I hold to the fact that an unrelated woman or s-mother is setting herself up for a day in court with biomom if she sleeps in the same room - especially with a step SON! JMO All that child has to say is "yes, I sat on step mom's bed" or something like that and I hope you have Michael Jackson's lawyer to clear you of molestation charges. .
Now that is absurd and sounds like an excuse to be honest. But I digress. Enjoy your night 
Posted 8/21/08 10:30 PM
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| clwp |
Posted by Summerrluvv
Posted by clwp
Also, I hold to the fact that an unrelated woman or s-mother is setting herself up for a day in court with biomom if she sleeps in the same room - especially with a step SON! JMO All that child has to say is "yes, I sat on step mom's bed" or something like that and I hope you have Michael Jackson's lawyer to clear you of molestation charges. .
Now that is absurd and sounds like an excuse to be honest. But I digress. Enjoy your night
They take you to court for less - trust me! I can't publically write what we've been through b/c they are legal matters. A concern a few of us had with this particular board. If you only knew what some of these people do for money - they'd throw their kids in traffic for a dime! Hard to believe if your a loving parent... but whatever.
If it sounds like an excuse then fine... I'm not apologizing for it... if DH and I divorced I would not want my DD in bed with my new man and DH would have every right to be angry if it happened. That's just my feeling no one has to agree. I love that - it's an excuse... I'm entitled to protect my interests.
Posted 8/21/08 10:36 PM
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| EmmaNick |
Your SS sleeps in your home no? Going on vacation is no different. Sharing a bed on vacation is not a requirement. I'm sure your situation is unqiue, I'm sure you have had your share of battles, but to say a step mother should not go on vacation with her step children for fear of a molestation charge?
Posted 8/21/08 10:40 PM
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| clwp |
Posted by Summerrluvv
Your SS sleeps in your home no? Going on vacation is no different. Sharing a bed on vacation is not a requirement. I'm sure your situation is unqiue, I'm sure you have had your share of battles, but to say a step mother should not go on vacation with her step children for fear of a molestation charge?
That's not what I said... there were posts about sharing a room... at a certain point I PERSONALLY feel it's not appropriate to do so with a child of the opposite gender and I'm entitled to my space as is he. Honestly too, I have no reason to make excuses... I'm very open with my feelings to DH, no he doesn't always like what he hears, but usually he can see my point of view and I have a right to be comfortable too. Regardless it's not an issue anymore b/c I don't go. Besides, I'm sure you can understand that SS wants to spend alone time with his father without s-mother's involvement, just as he enjoys time and even trips with his biomom without her man. Nothing wrong with a couple going away without the kids either. Most who have their S-kids sleep over use a separate bedroom. Not all of us do the sleep overthing anymore anyway.
Message edited 8/21/2008 10:47:56 PM.
Posted 8/21/08 10:46 PM
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| my3boys |
Posted by Summerrluvv
Posted by clwp
Also, I hold to the fact that an unrelated woman or s-mother is setting herself up for a day in court with biomom if she sleeps in the same room - especially with a step SON! JMO All that child has to say is "yes, I sat on step mom's bed" or something like that and I hope you have Michael Jackson's lawyer to clear you of molestation charges. .
Now that is absurd and sounds like an excuse to be honest. But I digress. Enjoy your night
I agree. Now I have a step dd and when we all go away we all share a room. There are plenty of places for everyone to sleep when your away and being our children are 11,10,3 & 1 they sure can't have their own room. Also my step dtr's mom is married so they shouldn't go away and share a room because they are opposite sexes Also when dh and & I got together my ds was 4 and our 1st vacation we went away on my ds slept in our bed together, does that make me a sick mom? I sure don't think so. Infact my son is 10 as I mentioned and every so often if he gets scared he will come up and lay with us. What should I send him away? I am sorry you & your dh have such a hard relationship with your ss I truely am and I understand that you can only love your child being what you went through. However I love my step dtr and my 3boys and I am NO way trying to be her mother because she has one but I do feel I have a special bond with her and I would do anything for her as I would for my boys. For me it's very important for me to have a part of a life not only is she my dh's dtr she is my sons sister their big sister their only sister. In NO way do I consider half she is their sister and she should be a part of their lives and be able to attend everything we do as a family becuase to be honest we're not a family unless she's a part of it. My dh knows how important children are to me and he has never treated my son any less then a real son.
Posted 8/21/08 11:30 PM
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| legallyblonde |
Posted by my3boys
But see the orig. poster mentioned the step dtr loves her and she didn't mention anything about the sd treating her bad it ways more of the lines that she wants vacations alone not with his child and she doesn't want to be the one to get stuck with her. The orig. poster also mentioned down a little futher how she feels her dh pays the mom the money so she shoul be the one to do things with her.
Well that came across wrong. I don't mean that I don't want to do ANYTHING with her, I suggested smaller trips. I think I had digressed off the topic and was thinking of other things when I said her mother gets our income and should do everything with her. That was my poor wording on a message board.
We all have our own situations as step parents. I would love to have a good relationship with biomom but she does not share the same goal, which is unfortunate. By the same token the torture I endure at times causes me to be resentful of the situation. I'm not saying that's right or fair...I think the complete opposite but it's something I have to work on and everytime I'm there, I get knocked down again. So here we are...not wanting to do long "family" vacations.
Posted 8/21/08 11:30 PM
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| KateDevine |
But why CAN'T he take her on a nice vacation? Doesn't he have a say in it? Doesn't SHE? At this point, you married a man with a child, you all are a family.
Listen, I am not in your shoes, but I think that you really need to think about a family dynamic. Yes, you and your DH should take nice vacas before you guys have kids, but can't you give up just ONE to spend with your SD?
And I don't think sharing a room is major thing unless it is MADE into one. We cruised with our DS on RCCL in January and were in the smallest class of rooms and we had a blackout curtain between the living area (where his pnp was) and the bed.
I sincerely hope that you step back from the situation and think about taking this FAMILY vacation.
Sorry to crash your board
Posted 8/22/08 12:34 AM
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| dm24angel |
I just feel sad for the kids. They didnt ask for any of this and the tone being used by some of you is that they are partially to blame or just so negative towards them.
You all CHOOSE to get married. you had the choice here. They didnt get a say.
I think theres such a deeper issue here then the cruise. If you dont want to go thats one thing, but you and your DH obviously have a lot to work out as a family and maybe this will be the opening for that to happen.
Posted 8/22/08 7:44 AM
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| Stacey1403 |
Posted by dm24angel
I just feel sad for the kids. They didnt ask for any of this and the tone being used by some of you is that they are partially to blame or just so negative towards them.
You all CHOOSE to get married. you had the choice here. They didnt get a say.
I think theres such a deeper issue here then the cruise. If you dont want to go thats one thing, but you and your DH obviously have a lot to work out as a family and maybe this will be the opening for that to happen.
ITA
I am also going to call my stepmother to thank her for being so wonderful to me and my siblings. She treats us as if we are her own children. I know how truly blessed I am to have her
Posted 8/22/08 9:24 AM
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| 1stimemom |
I am extremely disappointed to see how this tread has turned (or is taking a turn) towards the "judgmental side". Everyone needs to remember that this board is here so people who ARE stepparents can vent and/or speak freely with eachother about things that others do not really understand the situation with. am glad that some of you have wonderful relationships where the things you do are accepted by Biomom and dh and stepkids, but for others we find ourselves fighting an uphill battle every single day and find our lives effected by things we basically have no say in, and it is rough. I once was chastized by biomom for wearing a tank top in from of her 11yr old son. Please do not "judge" without trying to understand the persons individual situation.
And for those who feel that a young child is ENTITLED to go on a nice vacation with his or her dad ~ maybe you are right, but that doesn't mean that stepmom has to go too. And personally, I would rather cut off my arm (or quit my job) than spend 6K so that a 10 yr old could go to Antigua. For anyone who feels that any young child is ENTITLED to something like that, than I think you are part of the problem. CHildren (step or other) should get what they earn and not feel "entitled" to anything!
ETA ~ Yes, we did "choose" to marry men with children, but for some of us, our crystal balls were broken and never could have imagined or seen some of this crap coming... GOd bless if you don't know what I mean.
Message edited 8/22/2008 9:30:16 AM.
Posted 8/22/08 9:28 AM
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| Janice |
are DH's friends bringing their kids on the cruise?
If yes, then I would bring my kid on a family cruise.
You can always sex it up while SD is at camp.
Posted 8/22/08 9:28 AM
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| legallyblonde |
Yes, DH's friends are bringing their kids also. Regardless of whether SD was coming or not, I don't want to go. Spending 9 days on a boat with like 20 kids is not a vacation to me. Add SD into the mix and I might as well consider it work since I'm going to be the one doing her homework with her, picking her up from camp, getting her ready, etc. I could handle 3 or 4 days on a "family" vacation...but 9 days is very long. 9 days is a long vacay for me period...I get antsy.
I said in the beginning of my post that it was a vent and I realized I might come off as a jerk. Yes, I did marry a guy with a kid, yes I knew that before hand...but as 1sttimemom said as a step mom, you have no idea what can happen that you just cannot anticipate. Everyday I try to do the best that I can to be a good influence on SD and set a good example. I have made a lot of sacrifices for this child and I shouldn't have to be the only one in the relationship to make sacrifices. I love my SD but I cherish my time alone with DH. We both work a lot so I look forward to our time. If I don't feel like using my vacay time to spend with SD (or any other kids for that matter) for 9 days on a boat, then so be it. And if his one sacrifice next year is to save me from enduring 9 days on cruise ship, I'll be greatful.
As a PP said, this is a board for step moms to help each other. It's a place where we can go and talk to people that can understand. Those that are not in our shoes should not be coming on here, sharing your 2 cents and judging us b/c you honestly have no idea what it's like.
Posted 8/22/08 10:16 AM
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| toni-mike |
Posted by 1stimemom
I am extremely disappointed to see how this tread has turned (or is taking a turn) towards the "judgmental side". Everyone needs to remember that this board is here so people who ARE stepparents can vent and/or speak freely with eachother about things that others do not really understand the situation with. am glad that some of you have wonderful relationships where the things you do are accepted by Biomom and dh and stepkids, but for others we find ourselves fighting an uphill battle every single day and find our lives effected by things we basically have no say in, and it is rough. I once was chastized by biomom for wearing a tank top in from of her 11yr old son. Please do not "judge" without trying to understand the persons individual situation.
And for those who feel that a young child is ENTITLED to go on a nice vacation with his or her dad ~ maybe you are right, but that doesn't mean that stepmom has to go too. And personally, I would rather cut off my arm (or quit my job) than spend 6K so that a 10 yr old could go to Antigua. For anyone who feels that any young child is ENTITLED to something like that, than I think you are part of the problem. CHildren (step or other) should get what they earn and not feel "entitled" to anything!
ETA ~ Yes, we did "choose" to marry men with children, but for some of us, our crystal balls were broken and never could have imagined or seen some of this crap coming... GOd bless if you don't know what I mean.
Posted 8/22/08 10:56 AM
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| lipglossjunky73 |
Well, I don't know.... It's DH's kid. I once asked him why he was going out of his way to pick up my SD from somewhere for a few hours, and he asked me, "Wouldn't you do that for Cailen?"
And I realized, yes, I would.
If you would take your own child on vacation, then yes, he would wat to take his own child now. Sometimes its hard to see it that way, but the reality of marying a man with kids means that although the kid isn't around full time, they are going to be around for things like this....
Posted 8/22/08 12:43 PM
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| lipglossjunky73 |
I just wanted to add that I grew up as a stepchild and I know I was resented most of the time too.... Its horrible....
Posted 8/22/08 12:45 PM
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| lipglossjunky73 |
Posted by Summerrluvv
Posted by tabrtm
You are much better than I am. I won't go away if SS is there. He's 7 and I WILL NEVER share a bedroom with him. My DS is 4 months old. DH now has issues because DS has gone away, but SS has not. Oh well! Let him go away with his mother!!!
Wow. How sad
I had a step mother with that attitude. It's sad for the kids
I never understood why people "sign up" to be step parents if they don't want to fully accept their SO's child as their own (regardless of how much you dislike the ex wife/husband)
I agree
Posted 8/22/08 12:48 PM
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| lipglossjunky73 |
And for those who feel that a young child is ENTITLED to go on a nice vacation with his or her dad ~ maybe you are right, but that doesn't mean that stepmom has to go too. And personally, I would rather cut off my arm (or quit my job) than spend 6K so that a 10 yr old could go to Antigua. For anyone who feels that any young child is ENTITLED to something like that, than I think you are part of the problem. CHildren (step or other) should get what they earn and not feel "entitled" to anything
I think the issue I had was "when we have kids and we go away, then the SS can come" and not thinking that this SS already has one parent going away... KWIM?
Posted 8/22/08 12:52 PM
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