Just need to vent (overly long...sorry)

I know I'm going to sound like a total b!tch but I need to vent to people that understand (sort of...even if I am irrational )

Let me start by saying I don't have any of my own kids but we talk about starting a family within the next few years. I will fully admit I'm the hold up and am just not ready for that...I definitely enjoy my lifestyle at this point and it's not conducive to proper child rearing. Chalk it up to selfishness or immaturity...whatever...it is what it is.

DH's friends are planning a 9 day cruise...all families. DH wants to go with SD. Honestly, I would kill myself. I can not handle families at TGIFriday's, nevermind for 9 days on a friggan boat. I have visions of screaming, bratty kids just being total party fouls. I don't want to go.

I also don't want to drop $6K on a "family" vacation at this point in my life. I told DH that I want us to take awesome vacations together before we have kids b/c once that happens buh-bye nice, worry free vacays! Once we start doing family vacays with our kids, SD will of course be coming on all of them so what is the big deal if we put it off for a few more years? If we do this cruise then he and I can't do a nice vacation together next year b/c we are also buying a house and a boat and we won't have the money. He doesn't seem to give a rat's hooha about that though.

So now it's a war at my house b/c I refuse to go.

My position is why can't you take SD to D.C. or Lake George or Maine or whatever? Why does it have to be a 2 week expensive ordeal (the $6K does not include our bar tab or excursions)? I never went on fancy pants vacays with my parents until I was in high school and neither did he. What is the big deal if she doesn't get to see f-ing Belize and Anguilla at the ripe old age of 10?

Not to mention this brilliant plan involves him taking her out of school in MAY for 2 weeks. I know he's going to try to dump her off on me all week when Camp Carnival or whatever it's called isn't in session so he can go party with his buddies. I don't think so pal! That real estate at the bar has my name on it! In addition to that, my SD LOVES me so I know she'll be by my side the whole time. I also took the liberty of mentioning that this will certainly be a sex-less vacay b/c there isn't exactly the privacy to do that in a f-ing cabin. That was the ONLY time I saw him waiver. Jerk. Does this sound like a good time? NO!

Okay. I'm done. Thanks.

You don't sound like a b!tch at all, I have to say I agree totally. I have a SD and no children of my own and when we go away I don't even let it come up.

My dh doesn't give me a hard time about our vacations I really hope your dh comes around.

That is a VERY long time to be with your SD, and I know that I wouldn't be able to do it if I was in your situation (no children of your own and not ready for any). However, when you married yor husband, the three of you became a family. Your husband just wants to go on a family vacation, and I see his point, too. But, I know exactly how you feel....2 weeks is a LOOOOONg time!!!! If it was one week, I'd just tell you to suck it up and go!

Message edited 8/19/2008 12:30:17 PM.

You dont sound like a Beyotch at all...

I can understand both sides completely though.

For him he wants to take his daughter away b/c you, him, and her are a family, whether you have children together or not...At this point in your life taking her away with you just doesnt sound like a vacation to you. And to be honest with you...I love my kids dearly but right now taking them away somewhere doesnt sound like a vacation to me either. Next vacation is me and DH only.

If money wasnt an issue I'd simply suggest that you take a family vacation and a couples vacation. But since this isnt an option I would let him plan the vacation b/c this really isnt something you are going to win. If he agrees not to go he is going to resent you and you dont want that. If you go on the trip and complain the whole time then he'll resent you too...just get on board with the whole plan and make several appointments at the spa to ease your sanity.

On another note...perhaps her mother isnt going to be on board with her missing so much school. I know I wouldnt be.

Thanks for the support ladies! I knew you would "get me". We'll see what happens.

And I can just hope her mother puts a nix on the out of school thing. I think that's ridiculous and I've expressed that to him as well. His great answer? "We'll get her work before we leave and then we'll take turns taking her back to the room at 10p.m. every night to make her do her homework." Hmmmm....riiiiiight. I'm not taking turns doing anything thank you very much. I will for sure be in the spa! Good call Heather!

I'm so sorry your going through this.... If nothing else, it seems like an awful lot of money to spend on a vaca your both not on board with.......maybe you can try suggesting a shorter less expensive get-a-way..........Best of luck..

I totally understand where you are coming from! 2 weeks does seem like an awful long time, and it is a big responsibility on you too. Can you compromise with him and plan a 4 day-ish trip when she is out on school vacation?

You are much better than I am. I won't go away if SS is there. He's 7 and I WILL NEVER share a bedroom with him. My DS is 4 months old. DH now has issues because DS has gone away, but SS has not. Oh well! Let him go away with his mother!!!

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Posted by tabrtm

You are much better than I am. I won't go away if SS is there. He's 7 and I WILL NEVER share a bedroom with him. My DS is 4 months old. DH now has issues because DS has gone away, but SS has not. Oh well! Let him go away with his mother!!!

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Posted by legallyblonde

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Posted by tabrtm

You are much better than I am. I won't go away if SS is there. He's 7 and I WILL NEVER share a bedroom with him. My DS is 4 months old. DH now has issues because DS has gone away, but SS has not. Oh well! Let him go away with his mother!!!

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OMG that is my exact attitude. As long as that psycho gets part of our income each month, she should have to do everything. I know I should not say things like that, it's so negative, but it's very aggravating.

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Posted by 1stimemom

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Posted by legallyblonde

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Posted by tabrtm

You are much better than I am. I won't go away if SS is there. He's 7 and I WILL NEVER share a bedroom with him. My DS is 4 months old. DH now has issues because DS has gone away, but SS has not. Oh well! Let him go away with his mother!!!

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OMG that is my exact attitude. As long as that psycho gets part of our income each month, she should have to do everything. I know I should not say things like that, it's so negative, but it's very aggravating.

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I know what you ladies mean! This has been brought up in the past by crazy ex - she used to tell the kids that daddy is "rich" and that he should take them on vacations. Meanwhile after paying her, she makes more thasn us! We took them to Seaside Heights once and eveyone was completely misarable - they thought it was cheap and should have been taken on a better vacation! At least I can say I tried once, which is why I recommended that. Now if DH ever brings it up again, I have a point of reference

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Not trying to start drama in anyway but just a question, how would you feel if the tables were turned and you were the one who had the child and your dh felt this way? See I had a child before dh and dh had a child before me and I have to tell you that I feel I treat my step dtr almost the same as I treat my own. ( I yell at mine a lot more) That being said even from the beginning any trip we would go on she was always invited. When she was younger she didn't really come on any however now she comes every where we go. No we don't go on anything fancy or crazy amount of money but even if we did she knows she could come. My step dtr is as much of part of our family as my son and the 2 children we have together. Maybe it's diff. for me because like I said I had a child also but I can tell you that dh & I have yet to take a vacation alone together (6yrs) yes we would like to and one day we will but for now we have children and our family trips come first. I was just really surprised how some people feel about being step parents after reading this post because by marring someone who has a child I feel that you become a parent even though it's not your own. I don't know but was just curious how you would react if the tables were turned.

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Posted by my3boys

Not trying to start drama in anyway but just a question, how would you feel if the tables were turned and you were the one who had the child and your dh felt this way? See I had a child before dh and dh had a child before me and I have to tell you that I feel I treat my step dtr almost the same as I treat my own. ( I yell at mine a lot more) That being said even from the beginning any trip we would go on she was always invited. When she was younger she didn't really come on any however now she comes every where we go. No we don't go on anything fancy or crazy amount of money but even if we did she knows she could come. My step dtr is as much of part of our family as my son and the 2 children we have together. Maybe it's diff. for me because like I said I had a child also but I can tell you that dh & I have yet to take a vacation alone together (6yrs) yes we would like to and one day we will but for now we have children and our family trips come first. I was just really surprised how some people feel about being step parents after reading this post because by marring someone who has a child I feel that you become a parent even though it's not your own. I don't know but was just curious how you would react if the tables were turned.

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Posted by gpsyeyes

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Posted by my3boys

Not trying to start drama in anyway but just a question, how would you feel if the tables were turned and you were the one who had the child and your dh felt this way? See I had a child before dh and dh had a child before me and I have to tell you that I feel I treat my step dtr almost the same as I treat my own. ( I yell at mine a lot more) That being said even from the beginning any trip we would go on she was always invited. When she was younger she didn't really come on any however now she comes every where we go. No we don't go on anything fancy or crazy amount of money but even if we did she knows she could come. My step dtr is as much of part of our family as my son and the 2 children we have together. Maybe it's diff. for me because like I said I had a child also but I can tell you that dh & I have yet to take a vacation alone together (6yrs) yes we would like to and one day we will but for now we have children and our family trips come first. I was just really surprised how some people feel about being step parents after reading this post because by marring someone who has a child I feel that you become a parent even though it's not your own. I don't know but was just curious how you would react if the tables were turned.

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I totally agree. I don't have any children prior to marrying my DH (w/ 2 girls aged 9 and 14 at the time), but once I was with him, I treated his children as if they were my own. That meant we included them in our plans when we made them, etc. I guess it was different with us since my DH got sole custody right after we were married & therefore I was raising them, too. We now have a DD together and I could not imagine me or my DH excluding her from things we do as a family or treating her like an inconvenience in our life. To me, it doesn't matter how they came into this world, if they are a part of your family, you treat them as such and make decisions respecting everyone's needs and feelings.

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Posted by my3boys

I was just really surprised how some people feel about being step parents after reading this post because by marring someone who has a child I feel that you become a parent even though it's not your own. I don't know but was just curious how you would react if the tables were turned.

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Posted by 1stimemom

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Posted by my3boys

I was just really surprised how some people feel about being step parents after reading this post because by marring someone who has a child I feel that you become a parent even though it's not your own. I don't know but was just curious how you would react if the tables were turned.

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Even though we are all step-parents, you must also remember that everyones situation is different. Some people have been rasing the kids since they were babies, some get along great with the ex's and agree on everything but there are also others (like myself) that have been around the kids since they were older and/or with crazy ex's that do the parental alienation thing and do eveything in their power to turn their children against you and/or their father. It is very hard to force yourself to feel like these children are your own, because, honestly, they are not and they also know it and don't let you forget it sometimes! Please keep in mind that unfortunately all step-moms do not get treated very nicely and alot more times than not we are always taking a back burner to the stepkids and sometimes even the ex. I wish everyone's situation was great, but that is simply not the case. If the tables were turned, (at least in my case) I would never let my kids act the way DH lets them or treat us in ways that he lets them get away with out of guilt in the first place.

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I think every couple deserves a "couple only" vacation.

I am a mother (although not a step-mother) and I completely understand the need for a couple to go away just the two of them. Especially considering that cruises ar e so expensive and also probably not something that your average 10 year old would enjoy!

I do feel for you and understand your frustration!

Perhaps it would benefit everyone if you and your DH took a cruise together and then went on another more kid friendly trip with his child.

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Posted by my3boys

Not trying to start drama in anyway but just a question, how would you feel if the tables were turned and you were the one who had the child and your dh felt this way? See I had a child before dh and dh had a child before me and I have to tell you that I feel I treat my step dtr almost the same as I treat my own. ( I yell at mine a lot more) That being said even from the beginning any trip we would go on she was always invited. When she was younger she didn't really come on any however now she comes every where we go. No we don't go on anything fancy or crazy amount of money but even if we did she knows she could come. My step dtr is as much of part of our family as my son and the 2 children we have together. Maybe it's diff. for me because like I said I had a child also but I can tell you that dh & I have yet to take a vacation alone together (6yrs) yes we would like to and one day we will but for now we have children and our family trips come first. I was just really surprised how some people feel about being step parents after reading this post because by marring someone who has a child I feel that you become a parent even though it's not your own. I don't know but was just curious how you would react if the tables were turned.

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Message edited 8/21/2008 7:48:16 PM.

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Posted by clwp

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Posted by my3boys

Not trying to start drama in anyway but just a question, how would you feel if the tables were turned and you were the one who had the child and your dh felt this way? See I had a child before dh and dh had a child before me and I have to tell you that I feel I treat my step dtr almost the same as I treat my own. ( I yell at mine a lot more) That being said even from the beginning any trip we would go on she was always invited. When she was younger she didn't really come on any however now she comes every where we go. No we don't go on anything fancy or crazy amount of money but even if we did she knows she could come. My step dtr is as much of part of our family as my son and the 2 children we have together. Maybe it's diff. for me because like I said I had a child also but I can tell you that dh & I have yet to take a vacation alone together (6yrs) yes we would like to and one day we will but for now we have children and our family trips come first. I was just really surprised how some people feel about being step parents after reading this post because by marring someone who has a child I feel that you become a parent even though it's not your own. I don't know but was just curious how you would react if the tables were turned.

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Not to argue, but I disagree, not with the post, but this is not how I feel. Having a S-child isn't at all the same in most cases where the s-kid is not living with you or where there has been PAS by the custodial parent. In our world there was PAS, our values even religion isn't the same and when I had no kids - just DH's son... I too didn't want to go away with him. I wanted to enjoy time alone with DH if I was going to use my vaca days... and I'm so glad we had that alone time together b/c now we have a baby and who knows when it will be just us again. I tried once with SS... DH dumped him on me so he could drink with the boys and SS was a piece of work and when I was "watching him" and he misbehaved several times... I tried talking to him but he blew me off... finally it escalated and I yelled at him in front of DH b/c I had had enough... I thought DH was going to break up with me. And this was just a trip to New England. I had my own car so I left the vaca early. I had a miserable time and now will not go on the annual trip up there with DH and SS. Sorry, but as a step-mother my input has not been valued or appreciated by biomom or by DH (b/c of guilt). So why should I babysit with my vaca days? Now that we have DD - she's a little baby and we don't go anywhere with her anyway. SS is much much older than her so I think the dichotomy would be I'd be spending time doing baby things with her and DH would do big-boy/teen things with him. Not that we want to "split" ourselves it would just be that way due to the age difference. However, SS doesn't even desire to do much due to the horrible things biomom said about us over the years.

If things are different in other's homes, then more power to them, I'm just saying how it is in mine. I do not even come close now that I'm a mom to feeling the same about DD as I do SS. I went through a very difficult pregnancy and had to inject myself everyday for her. I went through a c-section for her and I take care of her and will be (along with DH) a parent to her. Biomom always said she didn't believe in s-parents, among other things that totally negate any relationship we could have. But honestly, now that I have my own DC, I could never love another child nearly as much. I've been through too much to have DD.

If "tables were turned" I would be appauled if my DD treated her dad the way SS treats DH... as well as how he treats adults in general and what he feels he is "entitled to". I would not raise my child and am not raising my child this way. I also understand how important it is to "get over myself" and even if DH did the most horrible thing to me... if he wants to be in DD's life... I'd never ever stand in the way of that. God gave both of us the gift of her existence... not just me. She needs a mom and a dad. I could go on for hours about the games biomom plays and now that he's older - SS plays them too. It's very sad actually, but there have been times I couldn't stand to be in the same room as SS b/c of something he did to hurt my DH (the man has cried in my arms with hurt), but I'm not allowed to tell him anything b/c then biomom would be going off on DH and DH would have even more trouble trying to visit SS... it's a VERY vicious cycle. So I say nothing, but inside I'm about to burst.

Overall it's different for everyone and even though I "disagree", everyone has different feelings and situations. I don't expect everyone to agree with me either.

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I still agree with OP that it's important for them to do the big ticket vaca's alone... one day they really won't be able to do them if they plan on having kids. When a woman is childless, most of us (not saying all) want "sexy time" vacas - romance and all with DH. Once the kids to come then either it's no vaca or it's Disney. I don't see why they just can't go to the places OP suggested like Maine, DC, etc. $6k for Mickey Mouse vaca when you don't have kids... that would have tortured me too... and she shouldn't have to give up her HARD earned vaca time to be a babysitter. I'd send DH on his own with S-child. That's just me though. I'd give up my vaca days just to wipe DD's nose all day, but prior to having her I only went to adult only resorts with DH or New England if we were going to be alone. The alone trips were awsome, the trip with SS was a disaster... Not to mention - DH has us stay with friends of his who put the 3 of us in ONE bedroom... I thought that was totally inappropriate - I'm not his mother - I'm not related, we should not be in the same bedroom with a pre-pubesent boy (talk about uncomfortable - I couldn't even change in the bedroom - great vaca!). Plus as I mentioned you cannot compare one's own children to those of someone else. I love lots of children... none like I love my own though... I can honestly say I love no one like I love DD - I went through too much to have her and would do it again and again for her.

Message edited 8/21/2008 10:14:10 PM.