today is not a good day.Commencing ventI just came from my brothers house where I saw his SIL who is PG and talked about the 10 or 15 people my brother and his wife know that are PG and while I feel happy for everyone - i truely do....part of me feels like WHY THEM AND NOT ME??????? I know I have a wonderful son and I am thankful for him every single day of my life, but I want another baby so bad it hurts. I think about how far along i'd be right now if I did not miscarry in October, I think about how that pregnancy and due date would have worked perfectly with school, I wonder why the people who know about the miscarriage never say anything to me about it and really hardly ever acknowledged it to begin with. I know they probably just don't know what to say or don't want to bring up something like that.I still never lost all the weight that I gained with DS, I have a wedding to go to tonight and I feel like a fat a**. My hair needs to be cut and I need my highlights done desperately...tomorrow is my birthday so I will be another year older and all I hear is TICK, TOCK, TICK TOCK.......the da mn biological clock slamming away in my ears! So many of our friends that are going tonight are so skinny and 2 of them are meeting us at my house so we can all go together and I am just going to feel so fat. It is my own fault, I have no one to blame. I need to get up off my butt and exercise and be more careful of what I eat and I start of good for a few days and then bam right back to old habits. In April I lost 10 lbs so I know I can do it........is it possible to go to the store any buy some willpower?!?!?! Whoa.....diarrhea of the mouth much?!?!?!
I have never blogged before, but I have always used writing as a method of release and a kind of therapy so i thought i'd give it a try. Today I am feeling a little bad about something and the more I think about it the worse I feel. I just thought i'd get it off my chest and then maybe I can be done with it. I had a conversation with my SIL recently about my mc it was the first time I was sharing that news with her, she has had 2 in the past so she knew how I felt. I was telling her that I really hate that miscarrying so early is referred to as a chemical pregnancy, it just sounds so impersonal to me and I don't like it. She shared with me that it really bothered her when people would say...."oh, its probably for the best" or something along those lines and it dawned on me that I probably said something like that if not those exact words to her. I meant well, but I can see now looking back that that wouldn't be something you would want to hear. Of course at that point I could only imagine how she felt because I had never been there myself. I don't think my SIL was saying that directed at me in anyway, we have a great relationship and I love her like a sister, but I think that might also be why this is bothering me so much.....because I would never ever want to say something that would hurt her, especially at a time when she is already feeling bad.Now this really got me thinking about all the times someone may have been hurting about something and I unintentionally said the wrong thing and without even knowing it. Coincidently (or not) when I went to my communications class this morning this exact topic came up. About empathy and how you can't really know what someone is feeling unless you have been through the same situation. Even then can you really know what someone else is feeling? How do you know what to say to people in tough times? How can I possibly know what is going to effect you because it may not be the same thing that would bother me? I am definitely going to be more aware of this in the future....... I think I will stick with something like i'm sorry I don't have the words to make this better, but I am here for you.But on the other hand don't we need to realize that people don't always know what to say! Don't we have to sop and think for a minute that someone who has not shared my experiences may not have the reaction we want them to have. Shouldn't we think to ourselves, well that was a stupid thing to say, but they meant well.