I decided to blog...I dont know why....currently I have three fertilized embryos sitting on ice waiting for my defective body to produce more than one friggin egg. Today is CD3 and I went in for the typical sono/bloodwork/protocol. So, even though RE thought last cycle was "good in theory" clearly my body did not respond as expected and that he was switching me back to my normal protocol of 450 follistim, 2 vials of menopur. If all goes well, my ER would be around 7/30ish
I guess I should state for the record that while on some level I believe in God, I dont...I get to a certain point with my faith and then get hung up on crap like no evolution and how the heck did Noah get all those darn animals on the ark. . .you know...logic thinking questions. But I have to tell you, I think someone is up there laughing at me. The grey bearded guy (I dont know...something DH said) is like yessssssssss....she wants a BFP so let me give her one.....the Lord Giveth and Taketh Away. DH wants to go to church. He's very religious. We havent been to church since before we were married and were told that we'd have to sign a covenant with the pastor that we would "abstain" otherwise he would not marry us. I dont want the government in my uterus and I dont want my pastor in my bedroom and I certainly dont want to sign a piece of paper. So if I believe there is no God, then everything I am going through has no purpose. No one is pulling strings and life is just a series of accidents. On the other hand if there is a God, then I really wish he'd keep his jokes to himself as I just dont "get it."
Main Entry: 1de·fec·tive Pronunciation: \di-'fek-tiv\ Function: adjective Date: 14th century 1 a: imperfect in form or function : faulty <a defective pane of glass> b: falling below the norm in structure or in mental or physical function <defective eyesight>bro·ken Pronunciation: \'bro-k?n\ Function: adjective Etymology: Middle English, from Old English brocen, from past participle of brecan to break Date: 13th century 1: violently separated into parts : shattered2: damaged or altered by breaking: as a: having undergone or been subjected to fracture <a broken leg> bof land surfaces : being irregular, interrupted, or full of obstacles c: violated by transgression <a broken promise> d: discontinuous , interrupted e: disrupted by change fof a tulip flower : having an irregular, streaked, or blotched pattern especially from virus infection 3 a: made weak or infirm b: subdued completely : crushed , sorrowful <a broken heart> <a broken spirit> c: bankrupt d: reduced in rank4 a: cut off : disconnected b: imperfectly spoken or written <broken English>5: not complete or full <a broken bale of hay>6: disunited by divorce, separation, or desertion of one parent <children from broken homes> <a broken family>Main Entry: break·down Pronunciation: \'brak-?dau?n\ Function: noun Date: 1827 1: the action or result of breaking down: as a: a failure to function b: failure to progress or have effect : disintegration <a breakdown of negotiations> c: a physical, mental, or nervous collapse d: the process of decomposing e: division into categories : classification ; also : an account analyzed into categories At first I told my DH that I was defective and he said that I wasnt and got angry. So then i told him fine...I'm broken. He didnt accept that either. But I've looked it up....and there they are by definition. Defective - falling below the norm in physical function. Broken - made weak or infirm...crushed....sorrowful.I have had some sort of breakdown (a physical, mental, or nervous collapse) this weekend. I cant function. I am sorrowful. I have moments of clarity and then fall into fits of crying at which point I'm unconsoleable. Yesterday, DH called the therapist. Moved up our appointment to tomorrow. He said I was in crisis Main Entry: cri·sis Pronunciation: \'kri-s?s\ Function: noun Inflected Form(s): plural cri·ses \'kri-?sez\ Etymology: Middle English, from Latin, from Greek krisis, literally, decision, from krinein to decide — more at certain Date: 15th century 1 a: the turning point for better or worse in an acute disease or fever b: a paroxysmal attack of pain, distress, or disordered function c: an emotionally significant event or radical change of status in a person's life <a midlife crisis>2: the decisive moment (as in a literary plot)3 a: an unstable or crucial time or state of affairs in which a decisive change is impending ; especially : one with the distinct possibility of a highly undesirable outcome <a financial crisis> b: a situation that has reached a critical phase <the environmental crisis> Am I in crisis? Yes, if my support for being defective and broken is the Websters dictionary, then yes, I am in an unstable or crucial time or state of affiars in which a decisvie change is impending; especially one witgh the distinct possib lity of a highly undesirable outcome.After every IF failure, I feel defective and broken, but I somehow manage to pick myself up and put myself back together again. This time feels different though. I feel like everytime I've put myself back together, I've forgotten a piece somehow and over time those pieces have added up until my whole "me" is looking for those forgotten lost pieces. Like when you break a vase. Even though you can put the big pieces back together, there is always a shard or two missing. The first time it breaks, that shard or two doesnt make a difference. But what happens if you keep breaking the vase? There will be holes that can never be mended.I dont know what to do. I feel hopeless. I dont know how I can pull myself together tomorrow, to go to the RE to give my blood for my BFN, put myself on a 1 1/2 hour long train ride, to go to work to tell my boss that I effed up his lawfirm, and let him know that if he continues to employ me, I will continue to eff up his firm, and get on a 1 1/2 hour train ride home. Everytime I think of it, it makes me sick. Like I could throw up sick. Like lock me up in a hospital and throw away the key sick.DH asked me if I wanted to stop trying and my only gut response was a resounding "NO!!!!!" Then he asked how long we would try for. My response was just as quick...."Until we are pregnant." But I also realized that I dont think I can do both. I cannot do the baby making and the working thing....or the working under pressure, stress, and deadlines thing.I have been trying for so long to be "normal." To "deal with it." To "suck it up." DH asked me why Friday. What was so special about Friday. Nothing...but for the fact that a spring snapped loose or something. The proverbial straw.
It should be noted that I won $175.00 in bingo tonight and two weeks ago won $480. . .what's next? A BFP?!?!?!?!?
I really enjoyed my day off with my DH yesterday. I cooked, I cleaned and I wasnt exhausted doing it. It only made going into work today more miserable. I commute into NYC from suffolk county everyday and while the money is good, it is really getting tiring. I also dont know how I'm going to do this when I get pregnant. Dealing with IF is so emotionally draining. I can barely concentrate on my work. I feel like with every injection I lose brain cells. I was also very upset about family issues. I was chatting with mom via AIM last night and she just kept jumping from one upsetting subject to another. It started off with her wishing that I wasnt having my transfer tomorrow because of Hannah. I let her know that I would travel through a tornado, ice storm and a sunami if it mean the chance of getting pregnant...what's a little wind and rain....then she informs me that my brother is starting to save for a ring for his gf of 6 months. I wish I could say I was happy but IMO she is a manipulative, controlling person who is taking advantage of my brother. My brother is too nice for her and I wish he'd find someone who truly appreciates what a good and kind heart he has and not one that is looking to manipulate him and disrespect his family. I also dont like her cause she called me a b!tch but thats for a different blog. Then I find out my mother doesnt want to go on the cruise I was planning for my parents' 40th wedding anniversary/my dad's 70 birthday. Before my dad got married he did so much traveling and when he got married the furthest he's been is florida as my mother never wanted to go anywhere because "what would happen to the children if something were to happen to us?" As much as I love my mom, I feel like my dad has missed out on so much and now that they're both retired and should be enjoying their golden years, all he does is sit home because my mom doesnt want to go anywhere. So anyway, i told my mother I was booking this vacation and that I would like to see the whole family go. My brother and his gf (have I mentioned I dont effing like her?) and my mom's cousins and her aunt, etc. That we'll have a real nice trip and that it was DH and I's gift to them. I guess in theory it was fine now she has one excuse after another. Hope its not in the bahamas. i dont like the bahamas. Great now I have to get a passport. I cant go on a cruise I'm to fat. I'll feel self concious. I dont want to be on a ship. I'll get sick. I dont want to get off the ship in a place I dont know. What if they dont have anything for me to do? What if I dont like the food? What if there is bad weather? What if our flight is delayed and we miss the cruise. So after 45 minutes of me rebutting all excuses, she flat out says that I should save my money and she doesnt want to go. (Meanwhile I sent the itinerary to my dad and he's so excited he already picked out his excersions). Basically it came down to me telling her that she had no choice. i was booking the trip and she was going even if I had to drag her by her hair.So....jeez...was there a point? Oh..yeah....lot on my mind today...so, here's an example of my thought process everytime I attempted to do something at work today. I'd start thinking about if and when I'd ever get pregnant. Then I would think that what if my brother got married and his wife got pregnant before I did. then I thought about the 20K ring she wants my brother to buy her (even though he only makes $35K a year and she doesnt work). And why should that biotch have a bigger ring than me and how disrespectful she is to my mom and my brother lets her because he doesnt want her to break up with him and how much DH and I need to take a vacation and why the heck doesnt my mom want to travel and why cant she suck it up for my dad who wants to go away so bad but then if i do book the cruise (which would be next november) what happens if i give birth by then? Who will watch my newborn (and would I even WANT anyone to watch my newborn so maybe my mom's right i shouldnt book anything, but then again maybe I wont be pregnant, maybe I'll never be pregnant, that I'll wind up this old barren woman that lives in a creaky old house and has lots of cats and dogs as substitutes for the children she was unable to have and how my DH will leave me because I'll be so depressed and unfullfilled and I'll have no children and I'll have no DH and I wont have my brother because his wife will have 7 children and he wont have time for me.....ok......got the idea.....yeah, i think this whole IF thing is really throwing me for a loop....and I totally know its the friggin meds i'm on but all the effing thoughts keep running through my head....argggghhhh....then I think jeez...if I could just take a vacation and relax and then that gets me started thinking about the cruise again......
After my last IVF cycle and the devestation the BFN caused me, I discussed with my RE my strong desire for a five day transfer. My RE is of the belief that embryos have the same chance whether they are "inside" or "outside." So, instead of putting back embies on day 3 that would have not made it to day five and then have to wait 2 weeks to find out with BFN, I'd rather go for the five day transfer. if there is nothing to transfer then there is nothing to transfer and I'll just move on.Today was to be my three day transfer (unless they called and told me that they were going for five day). I've been waiting all morning (I woke up at 6am). They said they would call by 8. The closer it got to 8 the more pessimistic I started to get. Finally at 7:55 I decided that they weren't going to call and called work to let them know that I wouldnt be in. At 8:01 I got the call that I was a go for a five day transfer!!!!! I decided this was a day to celebrate so I wont be going in today anyway!!!!The day of my retrival they got nine eggs and eight fertilized. This a big improvement over last cycle when they retrieved seven and four fertilized. They put back three and the last one didnt make it to day five so there was nothing to freeze.This cycle I am hoping for a BFP and embies to freeze so when we plan for another baby I wont have to go through all these meds. Wish us luck!!!!!!!!!!!