HoneyBadger Blog

this ain't goodbye


Over ten months ago we met by chance through our jobs; we were forced to work together and started talking about stuff. Anything you can think of, we talked about it; from the benign to the sublime and everything in between. No stone left unturned. It just came easy, naturally. At no point ever forced or fake, just two people who could talk endlessly about anything.

He was a great distraction. My fun. My escape from the harsh reality I lived and then one day I realized he became much more than a distraction. I couldn't even tell you at what point that exactly happened, it just did.

It shouldn't have ever happened. I know this now, I kind of knew it then, but I couldn't walk away and now it's just too late.

I'm in love.

I haven't felt this way about another man in, well, I don't know how long. I had honestly forgotten what it felt like to be so smitten with someone. To need to breathe in his scent, to be able to close my eyes and feel the tickle of his whiskers on my cheek or lips when he kisses me. To memorize his touch on my skin and crave it. To kiss so deeply, so passionately, needing to be so close to him that our teeth touch.

With all my heart, I can honestly say I never felt that way with K. Ever.

I'm hooked.

I want him all the time and when I don't have him my heart hurts.

My heart hurts often. Much too often.

It's been over nine months of caring too much; of getting too close to him and him to me. We can never really be together yet neither of us is willing to walk away from the other so for now the story continues.

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i try...i really do.


I don't know maybe I’m just having a crappy week, maybe it's PMS but lately I’ve been really down. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it but then it started to come to me. I feel alone, lonely…very SINGLE. I don’t miss HIM, but I do miss HAVING someone. I miss coming home and having someone to kiss hello, even if that was the only remote sign of affection I ever got.

I have a great network of friends and I’m so grateful for each and every one of them but no one and nothing can take the place of having someone who loves you intimately. Someone who can give you their time and complete affection; someone who will accept you for exactly who you are and laugh at the things that most will find annoying about you.

I hate feeling this way. It reminds me that I’m not always a pillar of strength and frankly that scares me. It scares me because I’ve never been the person who needed a man in her life to feel complete; to not feel alone. I always viewed people who needed a significant other as weak or vulnerable and I never wanted to be weak or vulnerable. People like that get hurt. You can’t hurt me if I don’t have those feelings to begin with, but here’s the kick in the azz, I DO have those feelings and I guess I am hurting.

I’m tired and I just want this all to be over and maybe, just maybe meet someone who can give all his time and more importantly all his affection to me.

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marry me

all day I've been listening to this song; whether it's in my head or on my iPod. all day. i dont know why.

it's a beautiful song, and i can only hope one day i'm lucky enough to find someone who feels that way about me. someone not on borrowed time.


i told him about having this song stuck in my head...

i said, "it's one of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard, it's called marry me; have you heard of it?"
he said, "aw kitten, i DO."
i asked, "oh, you know the song?"
he said, "i didn't mean the song"

oh.


i want him to love me, he says he does.

i asked, "why do you love me?"
he said, "i do, that's why"

i then asked, "does it make you feel like what the fuckk?"
"all the time", he said.

(me): "i feel that way too"

he replies, "but i also know i cant not have you in my life"

(me): i'm the same way
(him): so...screwed

i laughed.

he holds enough of my heart to break it and he will, it's only a matter of time.

i guess i won't laugh then.

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music is my thing.
always has, always will be
certain songs are very relevant to my life now or at some point

i felt like sharing some with you...


Heartbreak Warfare
this song came out just as the shitt hit the fan with me and kenny.
if there was ever a song to describe my relationship with him, this is it.

Lighting strike
Inside my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare

Once you want it to begin
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love
Why don't you say so
If you want more love
Why don't you say so

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare

Once you want it to begin
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love
Why don't you say so
If you want more love
Why don't you say so
Just say so

How come the only way to know how high you get me
Is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you'd let me
But I can't break through it all

It's heart, heartbreak

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down

Red wine and Ambien
You're talking **** again
It's heartbreak warfare

Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name
It's heartbreak warfare

***************************

Pretty Girl (The Way)
by the time i turned thirty-one the person i was
a decade prior was stripped away completely...i was a shell of my former self.
the song always struck me but not until recently did i get that i was this person..
bruised and battered emotionally, i turned to him repeatedly hoping "it would be different this time"
it never was. people have said i'm pretty but the one person who should have made me feel that way never did.
when i run, i listen to this song every time and i cry.

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
That's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love

Pretty girl, pretty girl

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you cry
It's the way
That he in your mind
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love

*************************

Angel
this song makes me think of a select group of people and i smile

You are my best friend.
And I love you
You're always there to love me,
When I didn't even love my self
You bring out the best in me
And I thank you
Thank you for my life, thanks for your advice
Your wisdom and your strength

My earth angel
Thank you I'm so grateful
For trusting me and lovin' me
With your love unconditionally
My earth angel
Thank you I'm so grateful
For trusting me and lovin' me
With your love unconditionally

You are my messenger
From heaven
No matter how unhappy I become,
You always find a way to make me smile
And I admire you
For your pure heart
You always giving all of you
To everyone around you
And I pray we never part

My earth angel
Thank you I'm so grateful
For trusting me and lovin' me
If you love unconditionally
My earth angel
Thank you I'm so grateful
For trusting me and lovin' me
With your love unconditionally

And if it wasn't for you
And if I didn't know you
And if you never reach me
And if you didn't teach me
I wouldn't be who I am right now
I wouldn't give what I give right now
I wouldn't think what I think right now
I'm thanking you, I'm thanking you, ohhh

My earth angel
Thank you I'm so grateful
For trusting me and lovin' me
With your love unconditionally
My earth angel
Thank you I'm so grateful
For trusting me and lovin' me
With your love unconditionally

My earth angel
Thank you I'm so greatful
For trusting me and lovin' me
With your love unconditionally
My earth angel
Thank you I'm so greatful
For trusting me and lovin' me
With your love unconditionally.


***********************************

I Will Take You Home (Little Girl Lost)
Dad's song. that's all I'll say

Little girl lost
In a forest of dreams.
It's a dark old wood
And it's damp with dew.
Hoot owl hoots
For a moment it seems
Something big and cold
Got a hold of you.
Just when everything gets scary,
Daddy's come 'round for his darlin' again.
Hold my hand with your little fingers.
Daddy's loving arms gonna gather you in.

Ain't no way the Bogeyman can get you,
You can close your eyes, the world is gonna let you,
Your daddy's here and never will forget you,
I will take you home.
I will take you home.
Gonna carry you back home
In my arms.
I will take you home.

Long is the road
We must travel on down.
Short are the legs
That will struggle behind.
I wish I knew for sure
Just where we're bound,
What we will be doin'
And what we're gonna find.
Wherever we go, there will be birds to cheer you
Flowers to color in the fields around.
Wherever we go, I'll be right here near you
You can't get lost when you're always found.

Ain't no fog that's thick enough to hide you
Your daddy's gonna be right here beside you
If your fears should start to get inside you.
I will take you home.
I will take you home.
Gonna carry you back home
In my arms.
I will take you home.


********************************

Tears on My Guitar
you. this one is all you.
who would have thought taylor swift?

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without
Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's just so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause...

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.


***********************

you've read plenty
my eyes hurt
i need sleep.

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my inital reaction is to say i don't know...life as i know it was wiped out six months ago and there's so much i want, i don't even know where to begin

i want a job that i'm proud of, that taps into my creativity, that i want to go to everyday. i want to be challenged and pushed...i want to make a difference in the lives of others...

i don't know what i want to be when i grow up and that scares me

i want to finish the degree i started fifteen years ago and didn't have the nerve to see through..

i want to be able to stand on my own two feet, take care of myself and never rely on another human being ever again because I HAVE to, i want to be able to trust again so that just maybe, i'll let someone take care of me...

i want to be comfortable in my own skin and proud of who i am and who i've become

i'd love to figure out who i am and who i'm meant to be.

i long for someone who will accept me completely at face value and then take the time and have the immense patience to get to know me and still love and accept me for all of my craziness...

i long for someone who will hold my hand, who will know instinctively when i need a hug or a kiss...someone who will think i'm beautiful first thing in the morning or late at night when i get back from my run.

i dream of finding someone who will stop what they're doing just to kiss me because they can't help it, they need to feel my lips on theirs and to feel my body pressed up against theirs and feel the warmth and know i love them with all my heart, unconditionally because if you're going to love someone, as far as i'm concerned that's the only way to do it.

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this september marks the thirty-fifth anniversary of my cousin's death.

taken prematurely from her family and friends
she was brutally murdered.

i never met her;
i wasn't born yet.

he comes up for parole every two years and every two years my family writes victim impact statements to keep the monster who took her from us in jail.

i am working on my statement now and i just can't seem to get what's in my head and heart onto the paper...

i always have this problem when it comes to writing this letter.

so instead,
i'm writing a blog
about writing the statement.

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the song remains the same

that night i said we would never be friends

many moons later and we still play a daily part in each other's life

i have no idea what you would call what we have...

friendship?

but we're NOT friends
at least in the traditional sense

friends don't
pine for each other
steal kisses in a crowded bar or across a table in a restaurant
they most certainly don't do what we did at the movies


that night, i said we'll never be friends because i didn't want to just be his friend



i still don't.

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I was walking down Park Avenue yesterday.

It was a beautiful day. A bit brisk but not in that painful bite your face way; it was an invigorating get out and walk 82 blocks in the city brisk kind of day.

Only hours earlier I had lunch with an amazing man whom I care for deeply.

Minutes earlier I purchased overpriced but fabulously fitting and looking lingerie. It's the kind of lingerie that celebrities wear and when I tried it on it made me feel fabulous and sexy so it was worth the dent it put in my wallet.

Life IS good, I think.

And then I'm walking down Park Avenue in rush hour and I start to feel not so good anymore about life.

A sadness washes over me and the longer I walk the more it envelopes me; but I continue to walk because I have to press on and get to Penn Station to go back to Long Island.

I see Grand Central Terminal in the distance but that's not where I have to go yet I keep walking towards it because it's where I want to go and the sadness in me continues to grow.

Something in me pulls me towards that building; a yearing to be there. "But that's not where you need to go so stop thinking that" I say in my head yet I'm still walking down Park Avenue towards it.

Then I see a sign on the side of a church. You know, one of those smallish kind of signs that's black with those little white plastic letters. Maybe you don't, it's ok.

Anyway, there's a quote posted in it that says, "To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often" - John Henry Newman

I can't help but read the quote over and over in my head and my feelings of sadness grow stronger. I soon start to feel the onset of tears welling up in my eyes.

Change. Perfection. Changed Often. I keep saying these words in my head. They ring true but the truth makes me sad, it scares me.

I feel alone and that has been brought on by change and at that moment I feel hate for the very change I've brought on to my life. I don't know what to do or where to go, I see Grand Central Terminal and it's still calling me but instead I turn around, walk back to the church and go in.

I take a seat in a pew, put my head down and begin to sob uncontrollably. Tears staining my face, dripping on the wood floor beneath me. Tiny puddles of tears between my feet.

I cry.

I cry like a hurt child.
I cry like a scared child.
I cry like a grown adult who feels lost, who is hurt, who is scared, who feels alone.

I cry the tears I have held in me since everything started about six months ago.

I haven't shed a tear for my impending divorce before this moment.

I haven't because I'm afraid that once I start I won't stop. And if I don't stop I will be too weak to continue on. But for this moment everything stops and I allow myself to cry. I feel the loss of ending my marriage full force and it hurts, a LOT.

I may have initiated it but that does not take the enormous, overwhelming pain away.

And so I cry.

And then I make a phone call to the one person I want to speak to. The man I had lunch with a few hours ago.

The same man I kissed and hugged hello in Herald Square Park.

The man I hugged good bye and said, I'm so glad we got to have lunch today; it was so great to see you.

I call and leave a message..."Hi, it's me. I'm in a Methodist church on Park Avenue and I'm crying. Actually, I'm sobbing; like puddles of tears on the floor sobbing. I didn't know who else to call, you were the chosen one, lucky you."

I sit back in the pew and stare at the alter. It's beautiful. I think about the fact that I am FAR from religious, yet I felt compelled to come in and felt comfort in sitting there being able to cry. This strikes me.

After a few minutes I wipe my face, collect myself, put my sunglasses back on, get up and leave.

I'm back to walking down Park Avenue towards Grand Central Terminal.

My phone rings, it's him, my lunch date. We talk. I cry some more. I say what I'm feeling, I say what I feel for him. I need to do this, I need to get it out of my system; like ridding myself of a toxin that's eating at me.

Only I don't feel any better after speaking my mind. I feel worse. I worry I may have lost one of the only people I can speak freely with, that I truly care for and can connect with even though I know I shouldn't feel this way about him. I CAN'T feel this way about him.

My life is complicated and difficult enough, why is THIS happening NOW?

We finish our conversation.

I've walked all the way up to Grand Central but don't go in. Instead I make a right onto E46th a left onto Vanderbilt Avenue and a right onto E45th and I take that to Times Square, 7th Avenue.

I walk in a fog down 7th to Penn Station. I catch my train and sit and cry quiet tears. No sobs, just tears rolling down my cheeks staining them. I catch a man staring at me from my reflection in the window, he looks away avoiding eye contact and I wonder what he's thinking though I really don't care.

My hurt and heartache is all I care about.

I listen to music until my phone dies and then I take out the book of poetry HE gave me.

I read.

I love it.

It brings me some comfort.

I still feel overwhelming pain and sadness but for a moment I don't feel as alone.

I cried a few more times that night and this morning.

I wonder if I'll be able to get through this. I wonder that as I sit here and write this but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Comments (2)

Vitut
shah shih
Lah-bou
panni
mone defoncer
Tebe Pizd'ets
Jebo

Say it in any language, this is how I'm feeling...

fml

when will this all be over??

please, someone, tell me it will get better.

Comments (1)

love one, hate another;
want one, hate another;
need one, hate another...

will i ever have one? i deserve one, I don't want another.

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I close my eyes and begin to dream
you're there...in my dreams
You're always there...on my mind
My dreams, they're all the same, always...
you're on me, in me, above me, below me, next to me
Legs and arms tangled
Wrapped around each other
Holding on tightly
Pleasure
Pain
Joy
Sorrow
Desire
Fear
I feel it all at once
It causes me to stir
I'm awake again
I look at your picture
I play
I close my eyes again
Hoping this time I'll fall asleep
But at the same time hoping I'll have one more dream of you
Damn it's almost four in the morning now

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i need to remain rock solid...strong...when i let go there's no going back...when i let go i will be my old self, the jenn who is soft...kind and caring...i can't beat him that way...that's how i wound up where i am...i wasn't strong enough to fight him that way.

i got a glimpse of letting go the other day...crying at my desk...sobbing uncontrollably in my car...i can't feel that pain and hurt yet..it's too overwhelming...too encompassing...it will swallow me whole and when it's finished chewing me up, will spit me out into a million little pieces...that's when i'll begin to sew myself back together and be whole again...be me, the girl...the woman i know exists somewhere deep inside

til then, i'm a shell. i have to be it's self-preservation.

i suppose it was a little bit of both...i missed having someone to watch the game with but that got me thinking about the fun we used to have watching football together...it's been a long time, years, since we had fun like that...i've always watched football (really all sports) with my brother or guy friends but it was with him that i really watched...talked about the game. it was probably one of the only times he took me seriously and we would legitimately communicate (sad I suppose)...i guess i got nostalgic that's all.

hmmm...think i could find a cheap flight to england? i heard it's five o'clock there.

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sunday, i hated watching football alone...it sucked, i had no one to scream at the TV with...that was why i texted you; i needed someone to talk to during the jets game...plus i just like talking with you : )

been thinking about that a lot...

then i got home from YCC last night...house was a mess already. it was clean the entire time he was away. cleaning the place was the first order of business after he left...seeing his shiit everywhere...i was immediately piissed. he shitted up MY space.

missing him, watching sunday football alone was immediately a distant memory...now in the forefront was one of the many reasons i can't stand him...why i'm leaving...why i leave MY house (that i pay for every month) every chance i get...i cant stand being there when he's there

my stomach hurts really bad...i cant eat, the thought of doing so makes me nauseous
while he was gone i ate like a starved ethiopian

i want someone who will walk the ends of the earth for me...start a war...lose an eye...maybe a toe...and still think i'm cute as hell in a dress with my raspberry chucks

i am terrified of being hurt again and waiting for it to happen. i know it will...especially by someone i care about a lot...it's only a matter of time...and for now, i just dont allow myself to feel the hurt, i closed that part of me off a long time ago....i laugh more than cry because if i let go and allow myself feel the hurt and pain i have in me now; i wouldn't be able to get myself out of bed

still walking through that fire not giving a rats asss about anything

i need a beer....it's five o'clock somewhere, right?

sigh..

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Words fall out of my mouth
And I can’t seem to trace what I’m saying
Everybody wants your time
I’m just dreaming out loud,
I can’t have you for mine and I know it
I just wanna watch you shine.

Tripping up on my tongue,
It’s all over my face and I’m racing
Gotta get away from you
Burning all the way home,
Try to put it to bed but it chases
Every little thing I do

When the light falls on your face,
Don’t let it change you
When the stars get in your eyes,
Don’t let them blind you.

You’re beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line, and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be,
Come down to me.

Spell it out in a song,
Bet you never catch on to my weakness
I’m singing every word for you.
Here I’m thinking I’m sly
Then you’re catching my eye, and just maybe
You’re thinking what I’m thinking too

When you see it on my face,
Don’t let it shake you
I know better than to try and
Take you with me.

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We’re in a crowded bar having drinks, standing. It’s fun, very relaxed; we’re laughing, flirting…close, comfortable.

At some point, a guy pushes his way through to order a drink causing me to move over and stand in front of you so I’m between you and the bar.

My back is to you…you slide your arms around my hips and whisper something funny about the guy in my ear, I lean back against you and laugh…you kiss my neck.

I close my eyes…the tension grows, there’s a steady pounding in my ears and I’m dizzy with delight…I turn around and take your face in my hands and kiss you deeply.

For a split second the world stops it’s black and we’re alone...kissing.

Flash back to the bar… but now we’re in a hallway, its dimly lit, no ones around, my skirt is hiked up…your body pushing up against mine in a steady fulfilling rhythm.

I close my eyes in sheer ecstasy... wanting for nothing more.

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you introduced me to this;
gave me a taste, but nothing more...

now when i hear it all i can think of is you

****************************

You are the road that I will travel.
You are the words I write.
You are the ocean I will swallow.
You are the wind I'll ride.

You are the cause to keep my head up high.
I'll never say goodbye.
You gotta know I'll stay beside you.
Right till the day I die.

I don't want the chains anymore.
I've already paid. (Said, I've already paid)
And I don't have to pray anymore.
Because my soul has been saved.

And now,
Whenever I come, wherever I go,
No, you're never far away, far away.
Never far away.

You're the blood that's in my veins.
You're my second skin skin.
I'm a feather on the wind.
You will breathe me in.

Every heart should have a beat.
Every night a dream.
Every king should have a queen.
Every saint a sin.

I don't want the chains anymore.
I've already paid. (Said, I've already paid)
And I don't have to pray anymore.
Because my soul has been saved.

And now,
Whenever I come, wherever I go,
No, you're never far away, far away.
Never far away.

When I fall hard you make sure I don't break.
Give me life inside of Heaven's gates.
I know, it's forever.
And you taught me how to live like love comes first.
Gave me definition for the words I know.
That there ain't no space between you and me.

Whenever I come, wherever I go,
No, you're never far away, far away.
Never far away.

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All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal.

The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Have the Kleenex ready and maybe the Depends, you'll laugh that hard.

Read on...

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

"Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.

Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!!

Blinded from pain!!!!

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe!!!!

OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy: a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it!

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair, the hair that should be on the strip...it's not!

I touch.

I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?

I know I need to do something.

So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut!

My butt is sealed shut.

Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub -

The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!!

It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now, nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...

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