And The Wall Came Tumbling Down: The Rise And Fall Of Marriage In The World

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By Mia Bolaris-Forget

In a recent interview with Kate Hudson, before her split, the daughter of a women with one of the longest standing and happy relationships in Hollywood, noted that while she hoped that her marriage to Chris Robinson lasted indefinitely, one could just never be sure.

And it’s not just Tinsle Town that’s experiencing marital mayhem and partnership pandemonium, but mainstream North America as well. In fact the notion of The “Leave It To Beavers” almost completely extinct as is the notion of “Til Death Do Us Part”, which has more recently been replaced by “Til You Aggravate Me and Divorce Do Us Part”

The irony is that despite the stigma and stereotype, most of us LONG to be paired with someone special, that is, until we actually are. Like a popular song says: “All we want is only what we want until it’s ours”. Combined with the fact that divorce has lost its negative social stigma and modern media bombards us with notions of “having it all” we find a world of impatient individuals lured by the (false) promises of singlehood (and perhaps a myriad of flavors in intimate partners), instant gratification, freedom and independence, thinking that all this will bring us ultimate control (of our own lives) and happiness. And, in many instances we are taught or advised to walk away from problems and issues rather than trying to work them out (at least until we’ve exhausted all our options and believing that the “perfect” relationship is somehow possible, from imperfect humans).

In fact, many experts assert that the commitment means less and less with every passing generation and that more and more people are inclined that the notion of a lifelong liaison and vow of fidelity is unrealistic and/or oppressive.

Additionally, experts note, that the definition of marriage has also significantly changed. In the past two person joined forces to create a SINGLE new creation and family unit, each sacrificing and compromising WILLINGLY for each other and their family. Today, two very independent individuals who enter into marriage expecting to carry out business as usual and who place their personal gratification and fulfillment above all else; hence weakening the marital and family foundation.

And, traditional reasons for marriage such as financial codependence, companionship, desire for monogamy and intimacy, family, fidelity and mutual fulfillment have weakened. In fact, even childbearing outside of marriage and a committed two-family unit has become increasingly accepted, if not “trendy”. Plus, there are a variety of other factors that have altered our perception of marriage or even the need for it.

And, according to experts the above, as well as other byproducts of the sexual revolution have resulted in skyrocketing divorce rates and an attitude that people and relationships are simple “temporary” and “disposable”, with most separations and divorces occurring within the first 10 years.

According to experts, what’s also “ironic” is that years ago only the very worst marriages with serious issues (such as infidelity, abandonment, and/or physical and/or mental abuse, alcohol or drug addiction etc) ended in divorce. Today, most civilized nations experience a 1 in four marriages ending in divorce and some areas the stats are as high as 60 % failure.

And, while the storm continues to surge, some say, it doesn’t have to and that a happy marriage is still actually possible.

Rebuilding On Solid Ground:

Experts suggest that establishing a strong foundation that will last, much like building a sturdy building takes time, effort, and a lot of work. Additionally, much like working on construction, it’s imperative that both parties “lower their standards” and don’t expect the “project”/marriage to go exactly as they planned. There will be difficulties, and times that are challenging for both with neither know what the best thing to do is. Still, remaining determined to stick to it and see your project through rather than tearing the whole house down is essential. And, sometimes that takes patience, and trial and error, but always putting faith in the fact that the end results will be worth it.

It’s also important to treat our mates equal to our friends. While me may be closer to our husbands and wives and expect more from them, we should never treat them as if we own them or have the right to take out our frustrations on them. If your behaviour isn’t appropriate for others, and would threaten your job and/or your friendships, you can count on it damaging and threatening your marriage, so don’t do it.

Professionals also point out that couples need to remember WHY they came together in the first place and that they took an OFFICIAL “oath” or “vow” of commitment, and that, “IT” needs to be taken seriously and the relationship needs to become every couple’s FIRST priority.

Unfortunately for many today convenience wins out over the sacrifice needed to stay committed and loving to someone. And, that they suggest is due to failure to shift thinking from “ME” to “WE” and from “MINE” to “OURS”.

Keep in mind that while there WILL be arguments and disagreements (don’t you disagree with your friends but still want them as part of your life?) couples need to remember that its not what you say, but how you say it, and that happiness and commitment are not build on material acquisitions but on hard work that bind you, build memories and love and that are secured in the mind, heart, and soul. It is also imperative that each partner monitor and keep track of his or her own faults (and note how to improve upon them) before and rather than pointing the finger at his or her mate.

A good maintenance program is necessary and founded on love and support with each partner honoring his/her own vows and commitment and showing respect and acceptance to his/her partner despite their differences.

Selfishness should not be allowed to take root, and anger should always be kept under control, with “revenge” never being an option.

Keep in mind that deep, unresolved anger and frustration will fester, build, and kill love and affection in any relationship, especially in a marriage. State your concerns lovingly and kindly and learn how to pick your battles wisely. And, those who’ve been successful suggest never letting the communication fizzle or die.

Many even suggest taking a Biblical approach and making a decision before you get married (and/or intimate) that divorce and separation are simply not an option. Then lovingly embrace your partner kinks and all, and move happily toward the future.

Finally, some other suggestions for succeeding at this “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”

· Stay true emotionally, mentally, physically/sexually to your partner (and that includes keeping up with your appearance and behaviour to his/her liking willingly)

· Be open, hones and loving about your issues, problems and concern, and never attack the person, but rather the behaviour.

· Remain loving, kind, and considerate, never harsh, nagging, bitter, critical or condemning. Speak to your mate in the tone and manner you’d like to be spoken to.

· Work hard at improving yourself and living up to the standards you expect before expecting them of your partner.

· Ask for guidance and assistance from friends, family, support groups, even religious and spiritual leaders.

· Focus on your marriage and even pray for inspiration, strength and guidance.

In a recent interview with Kate Hudson, before her split, the daughter of a women with one of the longest standing and happy relationships in Hollywood, noted that while she hoped that her marriage to Chris Robinson lasted indefinitely, one could just never be sure.

And it’s not just Tinsle Town that’s experiencing marital mayhem and partnership pandemonium, but mainstream North America as well. In fact the notion of The “Leave It To Beavers” almost completely extinct as is the notion of “Til Death Do Us Part”, which has more recently been replaced by “Til You Aggravate Me and Divorce Do Us Part”

The irony is that despite the stigma and stereotype, most of us LONG to be paired with someone special, that is, until we actually are. Like a popular song says: “All we want is only what we want until it’s ours”. Combined with the fact that divorce has lost its negative social stigma and modern media bombards us with notions of “having it all” we find a world of impatient individuals lured by the (false) promises of singlehood (and perhaps a myriad of flavors in intimate partners), instant gratification, freedom and independence, thinking that all this will bring us ultimate control (of our own lives) and happiness. And, in many instances we are taught or advised to walk away from problems and issues rather than trying to work them out (at least until we’ve exhausted all our options and believing that the “perfect” relationship is somehow possible, from imperfect humans).

In fact, many experts assert that the commitment means less and less with every passing generation and that more and more people are inclined that the notion of a lifelong liaison and vow of fidelity is unrealistic and/or oppressive.

Additionally, experts note, that the definition of marriage has also significantly changed. In the past two person joined forces to create a SINGLE new creation and family unit, each sacrificing and compromising WILLINGLY for each other and their family. Today, two very independent individuals who enter into marriage expecting to carry out business as usual and who place their personal gratification and fulfillment above all else; hence weakening the marital and family foundation.

And, traditional reasons for marriage such as financial codependence, companionship, desire for monogamy and intimacy, family, fidelity and mutual fulfillment have weakened. In fact, even childbearing outside of marriage and a committed two-family unit has become increasingly accepted, if not “trendy”. Plus, there are a variety of other factors that have altered our perception of marriage or even the need for it.

And, according to experts the above, as well as other byproducts of the sexual revolution have resulted in skyrocketing divorce rates and an attitude that people and relationships are simple “temporary” and “disposable”, with most separations and divorces occurring within the first 10 years.

According to experts, what’s also “ironic” is that years ago only the very worst marriages with serious issues (such as infidelity, abandonment, and/or physical and/or mental abuse, alcohol or drug addiction etc) ended in divorce. Today, most civilized nations experience a 1 in four marriages ending in divorce and some areas the stats are as high as 60 % failure.

And, while the storm continues to surge, some say, it doesn’t have to and that a happy marriage is still actually possible.

Rebuilding On Solid Ground:

Experts suggest that establishing a strong foundation that will last, much like building a sturdy building takes time, effort, and a lot of work. Additionally, much like working on construction, it’s imperative that both parties “lower their standards” and don’t expect the “project”/marriage to go exactly as they planned. There will be difficulties, and times that are challenging for both with neither know what the best thing to do is. Still, remaining determined to stick to it and see your project through rather than tearing the whole house down is essential. And, sometimes that takes patience, and trial and error, but always putting faith in the fact that the end results will be worth it.

It’s also important to treat our mates equal to our friends. While me may be closer to our husbands and wives and expect more from them, we should never treat them as if we own them or have the right to take out our frustrations on them. If your behaviour isn’t appropriate for others, and would threaten your job and/or your friendships, you can count on it damaging and threatening your marriage, so don’t do it.

Professionals also point out that couples need to remember WHY they came together in the first place and that they took an OFFICIAL “oath” or “vow” of commitment, and that, “IT” needs to be taken seriously and the relationship needs to become every couple’s FIRST priority.

Unfortunately for many today convenience wins out over the sacrifice needed to stay committed and loving to someone. And, that they suggest is due to failure to shift thinking from “ME” to “WE” and from “MINE” to “OURS”.

Keep in mind that while there WILL be arguments and disagreements (don’t you disagree with your friends but still want them as part of your life?) couples need to remember that its not what you say, but how you say it, and that happiness and commitment are not build on material acquisitions but on hard work that bind you, build memories and love and that are secured in the mind, heart, and soul. It is also imperative that each partner monitor and keep track of his or her own faults (and note how to improve upon them) before and rather than pointing the finger at his or her mate.

A good maintenance program is necessary and founded on love and support with each partner honoring his/her own vows and commitment and showing respect and acceptance to his/her partner despite their differences.

Selfishness should not be allowed to take root, and anger should always be kept under control, with “revenge” never being an option.

Keep in mind that deep, unresolved anger and frustration will fester, build, and kill love and affection in any relationship, especially in a marriage. State your concerns lovingly and kindly and learn how to pick your battles wisely. And, those who’ve been successful suggest never letting the communication fizzle or die.

Many even suggest taking a Biblical approach and making a decision before you get married (and/or intimate) that divorce and separation are simply not an option. Then lovingly embrace your partner kinks and all, and move happily toward the future.

Finally, some other suggestions for succeeding at this “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”

· Stay true emotionally, mentally, physically/sexually to your partner (and that includes keeping up with your appearance and behaviour to his/her liking willingly)

· Be open, hones and loving about your issues, problems and concern, and never attack the person, but rather the behaviour.

· Remain loving, kind, and considerate, never harsh, nagging, bitter, critical or condemning. Speak to your mate in the tone and manner you’d like to be spoken to.

· Work hard at improving yourself and living up to the standards you expect before expecting them of your partner.

· Ask for guidance and assistance from friends, family, support groups, even religious and spiritual leaders.

· Focus on your marriage and even pray for inspiration, strength and guidance.